newbe
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Mt.Sterling, IL
Posts: 1
newbe
I'm really new to this. I have an alcoholic father (AF?) and a five-month-old. My husband and I are Christians, my dad and sister are not. My sister is moving out and feeling guilty about it because she has been the one to take care of Dad. She's making me feel guilty because my hubby and I recently moved further away from her and Dad so my husband could have a better job and I could stay home with the baby. I think a lot of her thing is because she's always felt alone in this, but especially now. I don't know how to deal with either her or Dad. I have yet to go to an al-anon meeting, I just found this site, looking for info on al-anon. How do I help my dad? I want my son to know his Grandpa, but I don't want him to see the same man I grew up with. 
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi DMLove and welcome,
You can't help your dad if he isn't willing to change his life. Your sister has probably put her life on hold trying to help him and wants you to take over, but trying to deal with an active alcoholic is not something you should take on. My dad is an alcoholic too and my brother had to deal with the worst of his drinking after I left the house, so I understand what you're going through.
I'm glad you found us and I hope you keep coming back. You may want to look for some al-anon meetings in your area.
Take care,
JG
You can't help your dad if he isn't willing to change his life. Your sister has probably put her life on hold trying to help him and wants you to take over, but trying to deal with an active alcoholic is not something you should take on. My dad is an alcoholic too and my brother had to deal with the worst of his drinking after I left the house, so I understand what you're going through.
I'm glad you found us and I hope you keep coming back. You may want to look for some al-anon meetings in your area.
Take care,
JG
spirit
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: perth,western australia
Posts: 1,460
hi love!
welcome, this is a good place to get advise, support or even just to vent.
you have made a life, hubby and a gorgeous baby. your dad and sister didnt make that happen for you and you cant make things happen for them.
it is tough, there is all the emotional attachment stuff with families, but at the end of the day, they are big people, who will make their choices.
help your sister by validating her decision to move and make a life for herself, you can do that from a distance, by letters, phone calls, pics of bubby etc. it is important to keep her in your life for you and more importantly for your bub. who knows maybe as she makes her moves to grow, you can grow closer. this is an opportunity for you both, turn it into a gift, regardless of you different beliefs.
in terms of your dad, maybe it is time he had to look after himself. you and your sister are doing him a favour in some ways, as tough as that feels. remember he is the parent, not you. sure care about him, offer him ideas or support, but neither you or your sister have to look after him. you are his daughters not his mum or carer.
as i said, hard as it seems, it might be just what he needs. remember you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink! you can show him choices and at the end of the day he is the one who makes them, good or bad. let him have a relationship with you bub, again, photos etc and as the little one gets older than can be extended to sending pictures she/he draws, babbling on the phone. all that stuff is important. in time that is what your child will remember. that is a good thing.
oh one more thing (sorry this feels like a lecture haha) but no one makes you feel guilty, no one is that powerful, you make yourself feel guilty. but you dont have anything to feel guilty about. you are a married lady, with a family and life of your own and that is rightly your priority, that is your focus. fit others in around that, dont live your life based on what they think or are doing - ok.
you sound like a strong, kind and compassionate woman, use that for you, your family and then others, including your sister and your dad, when you can.
that is normal, that is what we all do hon.
good luck with it, hug your bub and be the best mum you can and dont let others actions prevent that.
here endeth the lecture haha - sorry have just got home from work, so feeling more directive than normal hahah
hugs
kath
oh i had another thought, maybe your sister is a bit releaved that you have moved, maybe that has taken some pressure of her (in her mind) to keep dad away from you!! worth a thought!
welcome, this is a good place to get advise, support or even just to vent.
you have made a life, hubby and a gorgeous baby. your dad and sister didnt make that happen for you and you cant make things happen for them.
it is tough, there is all the emotional attachment stuff with families, but at the end of the day, they are big people, who will make their choices.
help your sister by validating her decision to move and make a life for herself, you can do that from a distance, by letters, phone calls, pics of bubby etc. it is important to keep her in your life for you and more importantly for your bub. who knows maybe as she makes her moves to grow, you can grow closer. this is an opportunity for you both, turn it into a gift, regardless of you different beliefs.
in terms of your dad, maybe it is time he had to look after himself. you and your sister are doing him a favour in some ways, as tough as that feels. remember he is the parent, not you. sure care about him, offer him ideas or support, but neither you or your sister have to look after him. you are his daughters not his mum or carer.
as i said, hard as it seems, it might be just what he needs. remember you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink! you can show him choices and at the end of the day he is the one who makes them, good or bad. let him have a relationship with you bub, again, photos etc and as the little one gets older than can be extended to sending pictures she/he draws, babbling on the phone. all that stuff is important. in time that is what your child will remember. that is a good thing.
oh one more thing (sorry this feels like a lecture haha) but no one makes you feel guilty, no one is that powerful, you make yourself feel guilty. but you dont have anything to feel guilty about. you are a married lady, with a family and life of your own and that is rightly your priority, that is your focus. fit others in around that, dont live your life based on what they think or are doing - ok.
you sound like a strong, kind and compassionate woman, use that for you, your family and then others, including your sister and your dad, when you can.
that is normal, that is what we all do hon.
good luck with it, hug your bub and be the best mum you can and dont let others actions prevent that.
here endeth the lecture haha - sorry have just got home from work, so feeling more directive than normal hahah
hugs
kath
oh i had another thought, maybe your sister is a bit releaved that you have moved, maybe that has taken some pressure of her (in her mind) to keep dad away from you!! worth a thought!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: No where
Posts: 79
My only suggestion is get to an Alanon meeting. Do not feel guilty. Maybe suggest your sis gets to one too. My Father was an A too and I didn't go to Alanon until well after his death. Your father's drinking is not something you can fix, you will drive yourself nuts trying to fix him. You could suggest AA but until he wants to there is nothing you can do. You should not feel any guilt because his drinking is beyond your control. If you want your son to know his Grandpa maybe it'll have to be when he is NOT drinking. Think about your son "Would you want your son to feel guilty for not taking care of you when you didn't want to take care of yourself?" Hope this helps, it may not be what you want to hear but I think Alanon would be the first step. Good luck.
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