Stung

So, I've more or less come to the realization that vast majority of my friends are either addicts of some kind, ACOAddicts, heavily codependent or worse - they're not real friends at all and I've now become gossip fodder for them.

I'm beginning to see their unhealthy behaviors in my regular communication with these people and it's just not anything that I want in my life anymore and I kind of feel like I just need to drop the negative relationships and make an effort to start afresh. I also feel a brand new, vigorous appreciation for my friendships with actual emotionally healthy people. It seems like true "normies" are a rare commodity in my life, and that is a huge shame!

There is just such a huge difference in how other emotionally unhealthy people ask me about my problems versus how healthy people ask me and their follow up responses. Some friends ask me about how I am and how my kids are doing then they will gently ask how things are going with RAH and they don't pry or try to tell me what they would do or what I should do. Unhealthy friends flat out ask about my problems and want to make RAH the focus of my life and our conversations. "How is he doing? Is he seeing your kids? Is he going to get better? Are you going to stay married?" Then they tell me that I should just divorce him because they would NEVER put up with what I've put up with.

I do not want to be friends with these people anymore and it kind of makes me feel like an a-hole or like I think I'm better than them. And I'm not better than ANYONE but I don't want to get sucked back into my old ways of thinking by surrounding myself with people who think and live in an unhealthy manner. I want a new flock. I want the majority of my friends to be emotionally healthy people who aren't trying to tell other people how to live their lives or who aren't trying to escape their own feelings/problems with vices. Those are the types of people I want to have involved in my life and my kids' lives, but it bums me out that the people who I thought were really good friends aren't really good for me at all.

caboblanco

yeah..the way I see it..screw em...cause they would screw you..right?

Stung

Not quite. More like, most of my friends are judgmental biotches and I don't want to be a codependent, judgmental biotch anymore so maybe I should stop spending time with people like that. They aren't screwing me over or hurting me, they just live their lives in a way that I don't want to live my life anymore. They aren't bad people but I think the biggest common denominator in some of those relationships was shared unhealthy thinking and I'm trying to change the way that I think and live.

caboblanco

yeah those negative types..they are talking garbage about people all the time...and you can assume they are talking garbage about you when you are not there.. some people just like to blame all their problems on everything and everybody else. You don't have to go for that. those life experts that are total losers in life..I have known many

9111111

I think change brings change and happens on its own schedule.

By changing the way I think and live I meet and attract new kinds of people into my life. Instead of hoping that change would happen faster (and hell sometimes I do!), just trying to go with the flow. New friends come, old friends go, no need to boot people from my life because I need to "see proof" that my life is changing.

Stung

Ha! I like the term life experts! That sums it up pretty nicely. Basically people who focus on other people's problems because they don't want to deal with their own. I'm dealing with my own problems and suddenly talking about other people isn't so appealing to me anymore.

dandylion

Stung---I have had that happen to me once---I had to cut some connections with a group of people that were bringing me more dissatisfaction than pleasure with their company. I remember that I felt really guilty at the time--like I was judging them in some way. Looking back--they were incredibly narrow-minded and self-absorbed people.

My advice--don't feel guilty. Friendship is entirely voluntary and has to be a satisfying two-way street---otherwise, it doesn't fit the definition of friendship...LOL. Just quietly become busy with other activities, etc. and they will fade into the background.

dandylion

p.s. This thread reminds me of the "HOUSEWIVES" reality tv shows.....Ugggh!!
Maybe a new one---"The Housewives of Silicon Valley"......LOL.....just kidding!!!!!

honeypig

I know where you're coming from, Stung. As time goes by, I start to see so much more clearly who is a positive force in my life and who is a negative one. I also don't take this personally--it's about THEM, not me, and they just are who they are. If Alanon has done anything for me at all, it's been to teach me that specific thing.

For instance, a manager at one of the locations of the bakery/cafe I work for now seemed to be an interesting person, and we've chatted while I'm delivering their bread. She moved things to a somewhat more personal level, not just work chitchat, and I reciprocated--no deep dark secrets, just some talk about our lives outside of work. I was considering asking her if she'd like to meet for coffee and a visit sometime, but then I heard thru another of the drivers that she had been saying this, that and the other thing about me.

In the olden days, I would have freaked out, been SO pissed off, run around trying to do damage control, felt hurt and betrayed, etc. It would have been a big bad ugly thing in my life, and I would have slept poorly for days. BUT--knowing what I know now, having come to understand what I now start to understand, I realize that she's saying WAAAAY more about herself than about me in acting this way, and I have no damage to control!

I now know that she is this way, and that's the end of anything but neutral work chitchat. So be it. I'm disappointed, but again, Alanon has helped me learn to take things slow and kind of scope out whether someone is friend material or not before revealing too much about myself. This is all so very, very different from how I've conducted my life in the past, and so incredibly much better.

Congratulations on beginning to see who's going to help lift you up towards the sunshine and who's going to be happy to roll around in the mud down below....may you find many of the former and gradually lose the latter!

Stung

EXACTLY!!! I don't want to be a person who could be on that show anymore and I'm trying hard to change. Whatever I can do to be a healthier person and be a better parent and better partner is what I'm after. I have no more interest in being friends with dramatic, catty women. They are not bad people by any means but the majority of their socializing is just sh!t talking in the worst way.

Stung

Thanks, Honeypig! That's what I'm starting to understand too. That message is "I don't really like myself or my life but look at THEM!" That's a crappy way to live and a really crappy way to socialize.

mry

I had a group of friends who I thought were besties. They dumped me just as things blew up with my rAH. The hardest part was that they dumped my kids as well. It was a pretty ugly 2 years and I missed friendship so badly. In the end, I joined Alanon and found some real friends who don't just want to talk about my problems and tell me what to do, but people who listen to me talk and nod compassionately. Who knew that I really preferred that! I can't blame my old friends, it was me stuck in that type of friendship as well. I"m sure I was returning the favor of solving their lives for them as well.

involved

I also went thru this a couple of years ago... After breaking up with xabf i just wanted friends again! So just started saying yes to anyone who would ask to do something, then relationships started to develop..my time was full again and I was happy for the most part, but had this nagging feeling that it wasnt right! Then like you realized that these people were not bringing out the best in me! One was a chronic liar, one was a narcacist, one was sweet but ridiculously immature! And I found that I was not striving to be my best when with them! So I ditched them. I am finding that it is hard to find quality people with the same interests as I do! I now have one close friend, one good friend who I enjoy but is a ridiculous care taker of her adult children so that limits the time we spend and reminds me to stay on my side of the street. And one good friend who has changed her life for the better (she was over weight and insecure to now looseing weight and training for a full marathon and very happy) and is a great inspiration to me! Back in December my RA got a new sponsor and I have seen some very good changes in him, especially in the last 2 weeks, and that has been also a great inspiration and roll model for me! So hang in there! Change is slow and sometimes painful, but if your working towards getting healthier, it is for the best!

Florence

I went through this too, and realized that a lot of my friends and cohorts had serious, serious problems which I overlooked because, apparently, serious problems were just sort of the landscape. I had to dial back a lot of friendships and lost a few. In the meantime, I found some awesome ways to get more involved in my community and make some new, healthier, more stable friends. It took time and effort, and there were some lonely days where I thought I was never going to relate to people who weren't hiding behind masks or who weren't codependent. With time, too, I've found that I have a much more compassionate eye for people going through this stuff. I can be kind while still deciding not to let their business affect me, or by putting some physical and psychic space between us.

iamthird

This is such an important thread where us codies can take some responsibity for our contribution to the dysfunction. I too had to do a total makeover in life with the people I surrounded myself with...it has improved my life in such a small time!!

Lyssy

Kind of like AA telling the A's that they need to disassociate with their old friend (drinking buddies), quite hanging out at their old hang outs (bars, etc).

I realized quite a few years ago the drama that my friends (and AH's) and my in-laws were adding to the drama or kept it going long after is should have been over. I just ended my side of it, soon they all lost interest and quit contacting me. This worked unless AH got them involved, like when hit hit bottom and I refused to "help" - he contacted his brother and that got all of them involved. Then I was to blame and a heartless B!tch because I wouldn't help him. WTF? He had access to my company insurance. A top of the line, premium insurance (it didn't cost him a dime to get into detox and 30 day rehab and could). He had already been through detox once years ago. But because I physically wouldn't put his butt in the car and drive him there after he threatened my life and my cats life with a gun the night before I was the problem.

//Sorry for the rant.
---Lyssy stepping off her soap box. Hangs head in shame.

hopeful4

I can totally relate. I have some friends from CR who are AMAZING friends and have saved me from myself, literally. I have some others who are gossipy and just not who I want in my life as my "friends."

My daughter had a cheer comp yesterday and the moms that are good friends all sit together. Yesterday my husband went w/me, he said it was like being around a different person b/c I was so happy and having such a great time and laughing so much. He said I should hang out with those friends more, and I agree. They are super great and we have a blast together. I could also tell them anything and they would be right there for me. I guess I have not thought about it that much until yesterday, but it is true that good friends can make such a positive influence in your life.

lizatola

I completely understand! I've cut ties with unhealthy people before and it actually was before I got into Al Anon. I remember saying to myself, "I already have my mentally ill husband to deal with, I can't take her sh*t anymore." Unfortunately, I cut things off with her in a very brusque way leaving her wondering what the heck was wrong with *ME* and I don't blame her. I was so afraid of confrontation back then, that I just dropped her like a hot rock.

I actually owe her an amends and I see her from time to time at the chiropractor or at our sons' homeschool co-op.

I truly believe that as we grow, we're learning what's right for us and what's not acceptable even from people who we call friends. But, we still have a responsibility as humans to treat them with dignity and respect even if we end the friendship. I did it the wrong way(and she wasn't the only one, just the one that was a VERY close friend and most impactful in my life), so I'll just encourage you to be honest with these people even if it means they might hurt you in the end. It's been 4 years since I ended that one friendship and I still regret my cowardly behavior.

Stung

Hugs, Lyssy.

RAH's bulk of friends look like alcoholics. We used to call them fun. Mine look like really insecure people who compensate in one fashion or another. We use to seriously label them as Real Housewives, which Dandy aptly pinpointed as well.

His friends dropped me and our kids when I reached out to them for help last year. That REALLY hurt (still does, if I'm being honest) but its for the best. They really shouldn't be a part of our lives and slowing or halting our forward progress. Then I have a bunch of busy body friends who keep asking for status updates and I'm starting to see what's going on. I think I'm just going to ignore the busy bodies moving forward. One of my friends is basically the female version of my husband and I just cannot stand to communicate with her anymore. Before I knew RAH was an alcoholic, she was telling me how much she could relate to him...only she yells at and abuses her young children while her husband does nothing. I just have zero desire to talk to her now and she's another one who keeps asking me about what my RAH is doing.

Fandy

I think that you might want to just put all these fakie friends on the back burner for now, too busy to chat, tied up, I'll get back to you...no information means their interest will die off and they will move on to the next carcass to pick apart.

Your REAL friends are obvious and you can keep them, when you choose new friends, you will choose carefully to see what you have in common. Same for your kids friends.

I know it is hurtful, but you are so moving forward into a healthy frame of mind, these people are not meant to be there, they drag you down and your kids too.

HikerLady

Loving this thread as it's something I struggled with, and still do to a certain extent. I've always been a bit of a loner type. Long story short it stems mainly from being the child in a military family, we moved A LOT. My bestie and really only true friend is much like me and oddly enough we bonded from the moment we met almost 30 years ago. I'd love to make more friends like that, but it just hasn't happened so easily. I think that one really close friendship has set me up for some really unreasonable expectations on forming close friendships. I am very critical of the fact that I just haven't felt that immediate bond with someone right out of the gate, so I hold back, stay distant, and basically always keep it at arms length, feeling that ok great person, love getting to know them but I didn't feel that immediate bond feeling so it must not be a mutual thing better stay safe and let them do all the work... gah how exhausting I must be if someone thinks I may be potential close friend material for them too but I come off as so distant. The viscious cycles I create for myself.