Woodman123

Hello again SR friends! Since my last post, my AW has completed her 7th detox in 10 months. As per usual, no rehab or IOP, but she claims she's going to AA now. I finally forced her to experience some consequence- she's been kicked out of the house and currently staying with her mom. In my opinion, she'd do well to get an apartment and focus on getting a job- hopefully giving her a sense of purpose again and focusing on her recovery. Naturally, she wants to come home.

I am truly at the end of my rope- literally ONE more fall into the bottle and I'm serving the divorce papers. I do love my wife, but I cannot continue to live with the ups and downs of alcoholism. One the one hand, I wonder whether it's even fair to continue the marriage under these circumstances- given her history and that of the disease, the chances of never slipping up seem absolutely impossible. Nevertheless, I told her I haven't given up... yet. I told her we need some separation time where we can each work on our own issues.

So here's my dilemma. Do I force the continued separation for 6, 12 months, knowing that she could very easily act like everything is fine despite continuing her 'hidden' drinking? Then after being lulled into a false sense of hope, she comes home in 6-12 months and THEN relapses, so I lose yet another year of my life to this. Or, do I let her come home sooner, where under my watchful eye I will know very quickly whether she relapses and then it's over and I can finally move on?

I am sorry for the cynical, manipulative thinking on my part- I know this is a symptom of my own dependencies and am working on that. But I guess at the end of the day I just crave some certainty in my life and if our marriage is doomed, I want to know now, not a year (or more) from now. I know, loaded question here.

I guess I am just looking for perspective, as I know only I can make these decisions.

MissFixit

The rule of thumb is 12 months to work on your recovery. She works hers and you work yours. Some separate during this time (as emotions are crazy and its easier to focus on #1) but some stay in the same house (they seem to practice detachment but it sounds pretty miserable living like that from the outside). After the 12 months it is suggested that if you are solid in your recovery and she in hers, you evaluate the relationship to see if you both want it and want to work on it. This is only a guideline, there are other ideas and people do what they want anyway, so it is not a hard and steadfast rule.

If you are not already in therapy, I would highly suggest talking with someone as he/she can help you along this path.

Good Luck

BTW, you can cut bait at any time, there are no rules about it. When you have had enough and the trust is gone, I would look out for you kids and yourself.

atalose

I would ask myself, am I content and at peace on a daily basis with her presents out of the house?

If the answer is yes, then why disrupt that peace? If the answer is no, then I'd have to explore why her presents on a daily basis could change that if I am going to constantly live under the fear of that left dropping at any time. What in me is lacking where living with daily anxiety would be acceptable again?

If it were me, I would continue living apart and continue working on me and allow her to continue working on her. I would not invite a potential repeat back into my life until something truely has been proven to me that it's going to be different then all the other times in the past. Like 12 to 18 months of sobriety, a dedicated work history, a clear change in attitude not just new manipulations.

On both your parts:

Don't talk, just act.
Don't say, just show.
Don't promise, just prove.

Your reasons for ending this marriage have been very clear to the both of you. It's not like you really need yet one more reason just because she's done yet another detox doesn't mean anything at all has changed does it? Least not yet it hasn't.

Trust your gut instincts and go the course with that guiding you and not your Codie thinking as the map.

SparkleKitty

Sometimes when we are deep in the middle of a situation, we just can't get perspective. For right now, perhaps this separation could not hinge on some potential future relapse, but on your need for space and clarity outside of the chaos of worrying about her alcoholism. You're future tripping right now on the what if's instead of living in this present moment where you, for a billion good reasons, are not able to trust that she is working a program.

If she wants to recover, it will not matter where she is. If she is going to relapse, it will not matter where she is. It is tempting to believe that having her present and accounted for will make you feel more confident in knowing what is going on, but really all it will do is encourage you to keep focusing all of your attention and energy on her and what she is doing, rather than on yourself and your kids and what YOU all need.

A separation of 6 to 12 months is perfectly reasonable after all you have been through, and it does not have to mean the end of your marriage. Don't look at it like a punishment for her but rather as a much needed break for you.

Strength and comfort to you, Woodman, you have really been through the ringer.

Danae

Hi Woodman,

As an outsider, I'm struck by the "7th detox in 10 months" and no rehab or IOP. This sounds like amazing turmoil and someone perhaps still not ready to quit? She's not taking what are usually the recommended steps--perhaps because she is still resisting?

Sounds like you have been patient, but this has taken its toll. Why do you have to wait for another relapse before you file for divorce? Is this about being fair to her? Giving her more chances? Are you worried that others will criticize you for moving to divorce?

I think you should do what will give you and your kids the most peace and ability to move forward. Divorcing her won't make you a bad person. If you don't want to spend another year of your life seeing how this plays out, you don't have to!

Danae

dandylion

Woodman123--you are perfectly entitled to look to your own welfare (and children) FIRST.

As a matter of fact--it is necessary to tend to your own welfare---because there is no one else on this earth that is going to!!!! How codies get into trouble, in the first place, is by placing the welfare of others before their own. By wanting to be "liked" too much. By not feeling like they are good enough or important enough. By worrying about the court of popular opinion.

It sounds like relapse is almost certain, regardless of what you do. You have no control of when she drinks. So, why not do what you, deep in your heart want and need to do?? Her disease does not care one twit about what happens to you--and she is under the control of alcoholic thinking--it takes a much longer time of a strenuously worked program to give up the alcoholic thinking and attitudes.

What about a LEGAL separation......which can lead to divorce......or not.....depending on how the situation plays out? You don't have to answer to her time l ine!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

iwanthappiness

Speaking from my own experience only, I have discovered so much more about myself while AH and I are legally separated. Initially, I was scared to death that he would relapse. And guess what....he did! He also discovered how to sober up on his own as well...without me.

I am actually enjoying the peace and am really focusing on myself which I found to be IMPOSSIBLE while he was living with me. I think he enjoys it as well. He is able to focus on him and only him. I am able to focus on ME and only ME (as well as our 2 children) I have never given him or me the opportunity to do this.

This may just give her something to fight for? Don't know....

NYCDoglvr

Why are you still hanging on to the relationship? Seven rehabs, no sign that anything has changed. Alanon would be a godsend, it saved my sanity. We must learn that we're completely powerless over other people, they have their own path to follow. There is nothing anyone can say or do to stop an alcoholic from drinking. I stopped projecting when I saw how wrong I always was. I hope you understand that it's time to start taking care of yourself. You deserve a much better life.

spiderqueen

This is so wise and well put. Wow. I must go now and tattoo this on my forehead.

Praying

Someone told me...why are you afraid of divorce? If you both end up in a place where you are healthy and want to be together again, get remarried! Imagine that party! They then followed up with...if you're afraid that scenario wouldn't ever happen, then I repeat...why are you afraid of divorce?

It got me thinking.

Spinner-007

The thing that comes to my mind is the following:

Can you ever fully trust her again?

Are you going to be keeping that one eye open for the rest of your married life for the 'signs' that she could possibly fall off the wagon again?

I've had heard of some couples who survived, but it wasn't easy. I've been told that over 60% of married couples where one is a recovering addict fails as either the fall of the wagon later on, or the marriage is too far broken to ever work again.

So the questions I have for you(and myself) is:

do we have enough in the tank to go through the long haul, and
do we have it in y(our) heart to forgive her as well as yourself should you go through all that and have it fall apart way down the road?

We have to remind ourselves that we don't get to be the age we are now forever, and the time we have here we will never get back. And there is no silver or bronze medal for coming up short.

I'm truly sorry for the acid in my message but as you can tell, I'm facing similar choices but I'm still in habitation with her. But as for marriage, its not even close to be calling it that anymore.

My prayers with you, amigo.

Woodman123

Thanks everyone for the great perspectives- definitely resonates with me. As to the many questions of why I'm hanging on, the answer, i guess, is simple- i still love her. As bad as the past 4 years have been, the previous 19 were great. She NEVER lied to me, or deceived me, or put anything in front of myself and the kids. So, I know the disease has done this to her, and it;'s hard for me to let go. That said, I do have serious concerns about my ability to trust again, and whether there's much chance of her not relapsing. We've agreed that she'll stay at her moms and look for work. She'll visit a couple times a week to see our son, the dogs, and me (although I said not to focus on visiting me as i plainly stated I need the separation right now). We agreed to re-assess things at 3 months (I know, not even close to a realistic timeframe... but it buys me some time to thing about my future). If either of us is 'not ready' to recommit, then she stated she will get an apartment. And, I made it perfectly clear to her while she's thinking clearly, that ONE more slip and it's over once and for all.

Not a perfect plan, but a plan nonetheless. I am hoping time and space will give me some personal clarity here.

JustAGirl1971

Woodman, this was one of the things that enabled me to finally let my AH go. I do want to trust him again... and, like you, despite everything, I still love him. But, there are certain things that although I know I can forgive, I'm not sure I can live with? I don't want to be weighed down by those issues for the rest of my life. Nor do I want him to be weighed down by them. How difficult it must be for them to know that they are failing us and not be capable of changing that? It's not an excuse to drink but the compassionate part of me could see how it would contribute to the drinking by feeding their shame and guilt. I think those expectations I had were holding my AH down. I'm hoping that once he's free of them, he can find sobriety and happiness. I did it for him as much as for me.

Like Praying, I was really concerned with whether I was making a huge mistake by asking him to leave. What if we both changed, etc, etc, etc. A wise friend said something similar to what Praying's friend said: If it's meant to be, it will be. Couples get back together all the time, including remarriage. I don't expect that to happen with us, but it was a freeing realization. I didn't need to worry about the future, I can just focus on the present. With that last obstacle cleared, I was able to let him go. We are divorcing, and as sad as I am about it, I finally, honestly believe that I'm on the right path. I couldn't say that before.

hopeful4

I can tell you that my husband went to rehab and relapsed after a year. Living with an alcoholic means they are an alcoholic for the rest of their lives. I believe you have been with her and know her ways enough to recognize if she is working recovery or not. Why not just take it a day at a time for now and see how it goes? You are going to find out how much she wants it pretty quickly. Good for you for giving a consequence, now stick to it. Don't let her back into the house until YOU are ready for her to be there.

Let go or be dragged......

Hugs.