LivingLife4Me

I am REALLY having a hard time with this one. I have been married to AH for 18 years. 4 kids with AH, ages 20, 14, 13, and 9. I've been dealing with loneliness, neglect, rejection, and abandonment for pretty much all of those 18 years. I could write a Lifetime movie or novel about all the sheet I've gone through.

I go through cycles of intense pain trying to process years of being alone. I resent the hell out of him for putting me through this. I am by myself all the time. He goes to work, then goes straight from work to hang out with alcoholic friends and family members until about 8 or 9pm Monday-Friday. On the weekends, I know he's chomping at the bit to bail out of here and squeaks by until about 2p and then I don't see him until 9 or even later on the weekends.

I hold in all the seething rage until I explode. Last night was the first night that I think he even attempted to listen. Usually he throws everything back in my face, physically hurts me, and then threatens to lie to the cops and have me arrested if I call them.

I told him I don't understand why you make the decision to stay away from me all the time. I resent the hell out of you for deciding to be gone away from me and that is why I don't want to be around you when you are here. I am tired of crumbles. I need more than what little pieces you are willing to give me. You say that you love me but your actions show that you don't.

He said that the only reason why he goes down with his friends all the time was because he didn't want to come home and listen to me complain. Who would want to come home after a long day at work and listen to your sheet?

I screamed at him I am not responsible for your behavior! You are making the choice to be gone! Stop blaming me for what you do! I will not accept the blame you are throwing my way.

He said you're right, I am sorry. I am responsible for my choices.

??

I want a husband! I want someone to spend time with! I am by myself all the time and I am angry that you say you love me but you don't want to be with me! If you stayed home some you just might be surprised!

Then he was silent for a minute and said, well, I suppose if you want me home then I will just go back out after you are asleep.

I.about.died.

All I see and feel are years of pain. I don't even see my husband anymore. I just see an alcoholic.

I just wish I could shut off the pain. I am reading Codependent No More, and that is helping. Just HOW do you get through the agonizing pain?

I would have been an alcoholic years ago but the only thing stopping me was that my babies need a sober parent. I would drink if I was married to you too!

The stories of the alcoholic hell not ending after a divorce is what is keeping me here. The family enablers who would not hesitate to cover up his drinking and throw me under the bus is why I stay. The baby doesn't even turn 18 for another 8 years. That thought alone could send me to the bottle.

I am in Al-Anon over 2 years. I am working the program. I have a sponsor and working the steps ON 9 now! Most days, detachment is a dandy. Other days, not so much, like today...when I wish I could drown out my sorrows with a bottle of vodka...because it feels like the pain is too much to handle.

I would have called her with all this but she's in a movie theatre right now so I have to wait.

Thought I'd spill it out here first.

Sue

CodeJob

You hold the keys to work thru and release this rage. Are you seeing a counselor? Do you walk or run or exercise?

Personally I have a lot of buried rage. Spinning and running seem to help. I am also finding I need a break from everyone a few times a year just to reset my emotional balance.
One of the reasons this is hard for me is that I am actually mad at myself more than my RAH.

No rant for me. I am on a 4 day break. Well wishes to u.

SoaringSpirits

I highly recommend the book "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing." Out of all the books I read, this one helped me process the emotional pain the most. It was a HUGE help in understanding what was going on inside me.

I was also married 18 years and have four kids very similar ages to yours. Life yours, my AH just left me alone, even when we were home together. He'd hid out in the tool shed, run to the office "to work," or have a night out with friends. For years I identified secretly as a single mother. The whole thing just plain stung. I felt so abandoned by my husband after all that time and life together.

scout360

The hardest lesson that I've had to learn at Al Anon is that I co created the relationship with my alcoholic ex boyfriend. We all do. We have to accept our part in the relationship. It takes 2. Even if we put on a smile and try to do "the right" thing in the relationship with an addict, we end up full of anger, rage, feelings of abandonment and loneliness. So, you either choose to stay and detach with love and essentially live a life on your own and accept for the addict for who they are or leave. Even if they get sober, they're still an addict at heart and have to live a some kind of a spiritual program on a daily basis. I wasn't married so I left.

dandylion

Living life 4Me---check out the current thread started by formyboys......You may find that helpful.

dandylion

matt4x4

Therapy

Hammer

So you know why he goes.

But why does he come back?

Real Question, there.

lillamy

The alcoholic may be all that is left.
If that is the case, is that how you want to live the rest of your life?

Fear of how my ex would use his money and his contacts to take the children away kept me in an alcoholic marriage for years. I don't wish that on anyone. And when I did leave, things turned out much better than I could have dreamed.

Like I said in another post: If leaving is the right thing to do, then leave, and deal with the mess that comes of it.
If staying is the right thing to do, then stay, and deal with that mess.
Either way, it's a mess. And just because a mess is familiar doesn't mean it's preferable.