helpinghealing

Hello. I am new to the forum. I am not an alcoholic, however I have come to the the realization that my husband is and I'm hoping to get some advice or support in how I can help him.

His drinking has gotten progressively worse over the years we've been together. he used to drink light beer (about 6 a night) which I wasn't as concerned about (though I knew it was a lot to be drinking every night. I had hoped it would change.), but last year he developed a taste for hard alcohol that he never had before. He drinks every night and on average its 5 beers or so and about 2-4 small glasses of whiskey and ice. Sometimes a glass of wine is mixed in between. I am really worried about his health. He has gained a lot of weight (for his small frame), has a puffy face and dark circles under his eyes. I feel like he doesn't look healthy. He complains of being tired all the time and having no energy and i wonder if its caused by the depletion of vitamins from alcohol. He's just 32 and I worry about the state of his health now and how much worse its going to get if he continues. I don't know what to do. I can't see him ever going to AA. He seems to be in denial about this being a problem. Recently he seems to be trying to hide it from me, putting the whiskey bottle in a less conspicuous, place out of view, whereas he used to just put it on the top of the fridge. I want to talk to him about it but any time I've brought it up in the past, it turns into a fight and I can't get through to him. He once told me before that he didn't consider it a problem because he doesn't drink all day long from the moment he wakes up. I guess that's what he constitutes as an alcoholic.

Its putting a lot of strain on our marriage and i don't feel like being around him when he's drinking. He's never mean or abusive, but when I told my mom that he's not the kind of person that could be an abusive drunk she said, "but he could become that." and that scares me. Is that true?

Can anyone out there help me? What was it that made you quit drinking? What can I do to save him? Its breaking my heart to see him do this to himself.

Sincerely

Thank you for your time.

regeneration

hello helpinghealing, I'm really sorry to hear what you and your husband are going through, it does sound like he's got a problem to me, and that amount of booze could affect his liver and health.

From my experience, your husband has to decide for himself to stop and save himself.... has he thought about any recovery groups, as well as AA there is SMART and lots of other methods. I drunk a lot less than your husband and didn't drink in the morning but I found AA and SMART useful, you'll meet some people that did drink all day and some that didn't.

I stopped as I was afraid, I could see how depressing my life had become and decided to give up, but it helps to have support which is why recovery groups can be useful.

I don't know if your husband will become abusive, I've been out with people who drink a lot that never did, but they did check-out emotionally. From my experience it's difficult to have an honest relationship with someone who is an alcoholic, their focus is on the booze and they don't communicate or be there for you (I'm talking about what I was like as well as others I was with). It's really boring and draining even if it isn't abusive.

Have you seen the friends/family forum? This may point you in the direction of support for you while you work out what to do, take care of yourself through this:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Good luck.

Chadd

You could start by helping yourself. Try checking out Al-Anon. You can find a great support group there with others going through the same thing as you.

helpinghealing

Thank you for your responses. I guess I should have looked around the site more because I didn't see the "Friends and Family" section. Maybe a moderator could move this thread over there if that's a more appropriate forum for this topic.

Dee74

Moved as requested

Welcome to SR helpinghealing

D

Lulu39

Very true. Your Mom is a wise woman, listen to her.

At 32 my XAH was drunk, but usually nice to me. He would spend too much money and tell what I thought were little white lies. I'd forgive him because he was my HUSBAND and it was for better or worse right? He's a really nice guy when he's sober, right?

I don't know when the verbal and emotional abuse began. It crept up slowly until one day 10 years on I realized he was nasty, mean, abusive and drunk to me and the children every freakin' day. EVERY DAY! All the time.

Our lives were all about him. Our lives revolved around what kind of mood he would be in when he decided to roll in the door drunk. The dog was afraid of him. The cat was even co-dependent and afraid of him - as soon as he sat down (after him rolling in drunk) the cat would sit next to him until he nodded off sitting up (he did this most nights). He thought the cat loved him - , she was trying to protect us from him!

It's an ugly way to live and I don't recommend it.

FeelingGreat

Welcome HH, alcoholism can creep up on people who have had a steady intake for years; I should know, I was one of them. Your husband's line seems to have been switching from beer to hard liquor. His tolerance has increased, so going back to his light beers isn't an option any more. The other huge red light is that he's begun hiding his drinking so is probably finding he needs more and more. It's a one-way trip unless he seeks treatment.
It may help if you can join an Al-anon group, which is for families and friends of alcoholics and where you'll find people who know what you're going through.
Have you told your husband how concerned you are, and what effect his drinking is having on you?

Godismyrock

Hey HH,

We are glad that you are here. Please read the "stickys" at the top of the forum page. Take your time, and take in a little at a time.

You are in the right place for help for you. Finding help for you may help your husband, and it may not. One thing is for sure - you are hurting. We can help with that. There are many, many great people here in the friends and family forum that will share their experience, strength and hope with you.

Keep posting, keep asking questions. We have heard it all, and most of us have experienced it.

involved

Sorry you had to come looking for this site...you said that he is not abusive, but then you say everyone including the cat is afraid of him. That is abuse. Your mom is right. Alcohol is a progressive disease full of "yets". If he is hiding his booze, he knows how bad its getting....and he doesnt want you to know. This is denial. He knows but cant admit it and wants to be left alone about it, so he can have his affair with the booze. Sort of like Golum in Lord of the Rings.
There is a series of books called "Getting them Sober" that are very helpful and informative, and available also in digital. Also read the stickies at the top. Good luck. The change starts with you and nothing changes if nothing changes.

involved

Oops ^^^ mixed up a couple of posts^^^ it was lulu with the cat... Please disregard that one sentence but keep the rest.

atalose

I would start at learning as much as you can about alcoholism and bevaviors of the alcoholic.

One of the hardest things to accept is that there really is nothing WE can do to help them except set healthy boundaries for ourselves and stick to them.

Read the stickies at the top of the friends and family page, poke around here through all the threads and begin to learn our powerlessness over them.

Al-anon is another place to learn more about helping you cope with this issue.

Hope you stick around its a great place filled with experience and first hand knowledge.

Any time you attempt to get between them and there substance it's going to be a fight and argument and the bottle will always win until he makes the decision all on his own to put it down.

helpinghealing

Thank you for your response. I think you're right about the line from switching from beer to hard alcohol. He still drinks beer but he always sort of "ends" the night with whiskey. I grew up with alcoholic. My mom had a live-in boyfriend and he drank hard alcohol all day long. He was abusive and mean and the smell of hard alcohol reminds me of him...its awful because my husband has that smell now. Its like it emanates from his pores, making me disgusted. He doesn't understand why I seem more distant and he says that I don't love him anymore, which is completely untrue. :/

To answer your question, I've had conversations with him about it many times in the past. About a year after we were dating I told him how much it bothered me and his excuse was that he was coping with his the loss of his two best friends and that it was much better that he was only drinking beer instead of doing heroin. (I realize what a ridiculous statement this was.) He's never used drugs, just to be clear.) I’ve told him about the history of alcohol in my family (my grandpa drank himself to death and 4 of my aunts are alcoholics.) His dad is an alcoholic and he’s told me it’s also in his family. Then almost a year ago when he started drinking whiskey-- we had a talk about it and i got him to admit that he realized it was a problem and he told me that he was going to start drinking a glass of whiskey at night with ice and watered down and he would then eventually "taper off". I feel so naive and stupid now that I really believed he would stop. I feel like maybe his initial intention was to taper off but he couldn't control it. I haven't brought it up again because his mom was diagnosed with cancer last spring. I know he was already going through a rough time and i wanted to just let him be. She is now cancer-free and its fabulous. We are both so happy for her, but he’s still drinking. I guess I don’t really know what to say. I mean, I know alcoholics can be very sensitive about it and I don’t know how to bring it up because I know he’s going to get defensive. The thing is, we never fight! Like, almost to a degree that I wonder if its healthy. I can say that the only real fights we’ve gotten into have been about his drinking. He told me about 5 years ago that he wasn’t going to quit for me because he would end up resenting me for it….that he needed to quit for him. It seems like that’s what everyone is saying here. That there is nothing I can do about it, he needs to be the one to stop. I’ve thought about an intervention but that feels too aggressive. His friends joke about his alcoholism.. his old bandmate tells him he’s a functioning alcoholic. I’m sorry, I feel like I’m rambling now. Thank you for the support. Its so nice to talk to people who understand what I’m going through.

Recovering2

I'm glad you found this site, and I'm glad you're deciding to deal with the alcoholism in your home. It is a brutal, cunning disease. It's also progressive, so your AH will continue down that worsening path unless he decided he wants help. He is right in that he has to want it for him. There is nothing we can do to force our loved ones into sobriety.
The first thing many of us who love an alcoholic learn is called the 3 C's. You didn't Cause the disease, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. You have no power over the disease, or the alcoholic. But you DO have power over you and your choices. You can learn to set healthy boundaries for yourself.
I noted that you grew up around this disease. Many people on here who grew up around alcoholism find themselves in alcoholic relationships in adulthood. There are learned behaviors that affect you down the road. The best thing you can do for this relationship is learn more about you.
I would highly highly encourage you to find an AlAnon group near you, and start attending. All of us who walk through the door of that first meeting are lost, confused, stressed, sad, etc. But there is unwavering, nonjudgemental support from the people in those rooms. We "get it". It's advised to try at least 6 meetings before deciding if it's for you or not. Different meetings have different formats, find one you like.

helpinghealing

I feel like after reading through a lot of these posts, that I sort of have it easy compared to most. My alcoholic husband isn't mean to me. He doesn't yell or scream or hit me. He doesn't drink all day long. He just drinks at nighttime and gets annoying. I o started reading "Getting them Sober" hoping to get some tips or find solace in it and feel like I am relating to very little of it. He doesn't lie or cheat. He's not abusing me. He doesn't borrow or steal money. He's a very, very sweet guy that is being self-destuctive. The only similarity is that he does drink alcohol every night of the week. I am concerned about what he's doing to his body. I mean, this is a high-functioning alcoholic, right? He's responsible. He doesn't lose jobs due to his drinking.

What do I say to him to get him to realize what damage he is doing to himself? Is there anything i can say to him? do I tell him he's an alcoholic or is that the absolute worse thing I could say to him?

ladyscribbler

What do I say to him to get him to realize what damage he is doing to himself? Is there anything i can say to him? do I tell him he's an alcoholic or is that the absolute worse thing I could say to him?

If those words existed, this forum would have one post- THE MAGIC WORDS. Everyone would come here, read the magic words, speak them to the alcoholic in their lives and the alcoholics would seek recovery, be cured forever and that would be the end of it.
I also grew up in a home with an alcoholic. In my case it was my dad. This had a profound effect on me, though I didn't realize it at the time. I learned a lot of coping skills- as you must have growing up, and a lot of unhealthy behaviors to deal with my father's alcoholic behavior.
As an adult, I have been in many unhealthy relationships. My last one was with an alcoholic. His disease progressed very badly during the 5 years we were together. I too was always looking for the right thing I could say or do to make him stop drinking. What I never looked at was myself.
I had to leave due to violence and abuse- verbal, physical and emotional (which was not present at the beginning, but which crept in over time- as Lulu mentioned in her post), but that is only half the story. Since I left, I have been working on my own recovery (we need to recover too, even thought we might not see it at the time). I have been attending Alanon meetings and going to individual therapy. Other members have had good results with programs such as Celebrate Recovery. You can't fix him, or make him change. You can change yourself and the way you handle his drinking behavior so that it has less impact on your health and well-being.
Take care and thanks for posting.

m1k3

Helpinghealing, I'm so sorry you have to be here but I am so glad you found us.

I am going to be blunt answering your questions.

What can I do to help him. - Nothing, there is absolutely nothing at all you can do to help. He will quit only when he is ready and it doesn't sound like he is even close to trying.

What do I say to him to get him to realize what damage he is doing to himself? - The same as above. Nothing you can do to help him.

My alcoholic husband isn't mean to me. He doesn't yell or scream or hit me. He doesn't drink all day long. - Yet. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It only gets worse over time. Sometimes slowly, sometimes faster, but it always gets worse. Even if he never gets abusive he will continue to descend into his own drunken world. He will pass out on the couch or in bed. He will become distant. I can tell you for a fact there is nothing lonelier than laying in bed next to a passed out drunk. They are so close and yet so far away.

Someone posted this earlier but I wanted to make sure they stood out.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

The only thing you can do is work on yourself. Al-anon is a good place to start. What I can tell you from experience is that it will get worse.

Think about that.

Your friend,

helpinghealing

Thank you for your honesty. I appreciate it.

I really don't want to believe it will get worse..even though it has in the seven years we've been together..starting from just drinking beer to now hard alcohol. Everyone on the board keeps saying its a progressive disease and will get worse and that really scares me. We don't have any children and i feel like telling him that I'm never going to bring a child into a home with alcoholic because that's how I grew up and it sucked. Of course he knows that because I've told him about my mom's alcoholic boyfriend who lived with us.

I think I'm going to look into Al-Anon meetings in my area. I apparently went to one as a kid (my sister told me this) but I don't remember it at all. Do I tell my husband that I'm going? We always communicate with each other about our plans.

Thanks again.

ladyscribbler

Do I tell my husband that I'm going?

You can, if that's how you would normally communicate. Or you could just tell him you're going out for an hour, if you're more comfortable with that. Sounds like you're worried about how he might react. That "walking on eggshells" feeling is sometimes a sign that abuse is in the cards.
I don't mean he's going to punch you in the face if you say "I'm going to alanon", but other more insidious types of abuse- snarky comments, attempts to get you to question your reality (called gaslighting). These are common strategies of alcoholics who are in the midst of trying to protect their disease. They have to make the problem about anything but their drinking. You husband telling you "It's just alcohol, I'm not doing heroin" is an example of this. Abuse takes many forms, it's not just screaming and physical violence.

helpinghealing

We do always communicate with each other about what we're doing/where we're going. I feel like he's just going to be blind-sided by it and not understand why I'm going and then I'm going to have to try to get him to understand that his drinking is affecting me before we've even had a conversation that his drinking is out of hand. I'm sure he doesn't even realize its affected me as much as it has other than the fact that I dislike it.

m1k3

His drinking isn't out of hand. He likes to drink and he does, no problem.

He is an adult, he has the right to live his life the way he wants to, with or without your approval.

The same goes for you as well. You are doing this for you, because you want to, not because of anything he is doing. Tell him or not, but it really doesn't matter. You are going to make you better.

I missed this earlier. It is a bad sign. It means he is drinking a lot more than you realize. He has so much alcohol in his system he has no other way to get rid of it.

I will never forget that smell.

Your friend,