Hammer

I have spent ENTIRELY too much time on What Sucks about dealing with the A-side of things.

Dunno about you, but at least I have.

I have my own list about what I want better.

So I have been praying that I could be a:

1. Good or Godly Man. That one is easy to know. Not always there, but I can know it.
2. Good or Godly Father. So that I can raise Godly children. That spec is in the manual.
3. Good or Godly Husband. (that is a major upgrade from bytching at God for sending me an A wife)
4. Good or Godly Servant. For my customers, clients, employers, and churches, groups and community.

Woke up this morning with the awareness, that if I want better and better for me . . . I have to start with me.

On my side of things, I suppose this is only fair, after making fun of choublak, and telling her to quitdabytchin and laughing at Pippi for wishing on an A for money, and then seeing them start to take charge of their stuff . . . leaves me thinking . . . omigod, I am going to get beat or lapped by (yet) Another Girl? My competitive, delicate male ego cannot take too much of that.

So ALL Those Things are things I HAVE TO CHOOSE -- and then I get them.

The Good/Godly Man, Father, and Servant part I can get. I can do that, because I know what they are. I can get all that.

The one that is confusing to me is How to be a Good, or Godly (not getting weird religion here, just to me Good = God, they are the same root word) Husband.

Really NOT looking for Biblo-windbaggery in this regard,

There is plenty of that as far as wimmen-folks go and what woulda shoulda coulda been a Good or Godly wife -- take a fun look at Proverbs 31. Probably by the same folks who wrote Chapter 8 of the AA Big Book, "To Wives."

[boy oh boy, Proverbs 31. I aint got THAT at home. What's up with THAT, God? Huh?]

Almost comical. But not much on being a Good or Godly Husband.

So I am thinking more along a Checklist sort of thing.

Suppose that is just sort of an alignment thing or something with my Steps Sponsor. He is an Aircraft guy. Their world is checklists.

So my request of you all --

Since WE ALL know what Sucks -- I guess that is my question -- flipping over to the Sunny Side of things . . . .

What does the GOOD Husband Checklist look like?

In easy, single serving, small bite size packaging?

I guess on the engineering side of things, I am looking for the specifications list.

Just add it on here as you see fit.

Thanks.




==============

Btw, I know a chunk of you are about like me, and have your own perspectives warped and upside down -- so I am not talking this . . . .

Bad Examples --

Not Drunk. Check.
Not Peeing in the Bed. Check.

Yeah, see how those are defined in the negative? I am looking to get to be a better me from the GOOD side. So tell me what a GOOD side checklist looks like.

Ok. Thanks, again.

===============

fedup3

Loves me more than himself
Attentive
friend
humble
Listens
affectionate

I'll let others fill in the rest.

CarryOn

I'll play...our couples counselor actually just had me do something like this for RAH. I want a healthy partnership - enjoy each other, share common goals, pursue individual interests, be supportive of one another. So here's a couple of "good spouse" items from my list:

• Focused communication with each other - no distractions like the TV, computer, etc.
• Show me affection, be welcoming and even encouraging of affection from me.
• Take full physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual responsibility for yourself.
• Take responsibility for 50% of our "household" responsibilities. We made this life together - we are each responsible for managing it.
• Find little ways to let me know that you are thinking of me when we are not together - a text or phone call just to say hi when we are apart, a token gift or card so I know I was in your thoughts, etc.

Sometimes I think this is stuff that others would find simple or take for granted - it's just normal for a marriage, right? But, we're not normal at this point. I also know that if I'm going to make sure that my relationship meets my wants/needs for a relationship, then I have to be willing to clearly communicate them. Expecting him to "know" what I want/need is unfair.

I'm interested to read what others think!!

JustAGirl1971

Off the top of my head, my list would include the following:

1. Love me for who I am, not who you want me to be
2. Allow me the dignity to succeed or fail on my own. Be my cheerleader, not my rescuer.
3. Love our children enough that you will put their needs above my own when I can not or will not.
4. Have fun with me, make me laugh, laugh with me.
5. Just listen to me. Let me cry to you and with you, don't try to solve my problems for me.
6. Be affectionate but respect my need for space, too.

ladyscribbler

1) Honest but tactful
2) Gives me space to be myself
3) Takes responsibility for himself
4) Sense of humor
5) Calm and respectful

Failing that, there's the personal ad suggested wording from "There's Something About Mary": Seeking deaf-mute with trust fund and huge $%^&.

JustAGirl1971

Ok, I have to admit there's one more that I really, really wanted to add.

Have a job!

I didn't add it because the working/not working/working beneath your ability at a dead end stupid job to avoid taking on responsibility has caused so much discord in my marriage that I don't even know what this boundary would look like for me. Be financially independent and responsible? Idk but I know I will have to figure it out before I even consider another relationship.

FireSprite

Speaking strictly for myself: a good husband knows how to support a Strong Woman - that my being strong & capable doesn't mean I need him less, that just because I CAN handle things doesn't mean I should have to. Strong women want to be able to be vulnerable with their spouses & be able to lean, just a little, just enough, every now & then, so we can let our guards down fully for a little while before going back to slaying dragons.

A good husband will help me be a better Me by kindly helping me to see my flaws - holding up a gentle mirror to my own actions instead of using it like a weapon during our times of war.

A good husband remembers that I have bad days too & just like he can't be 100% every minute or every day, neither can I.

A good husband shares his thoughts, without provocation.... actually STARTS conversations of depth. Isn't afraid to discuss his struggles and realizes that just because HIS ego feels bruised doesn't mean I see him as weak for it.

I also agree with basic things like humor, ambition, a job ( ), general respect, etc.

FireSprite

A good husband is a PARTNER & participates as such.... in decision making, child-rearing, financial responsibilities, planning vacations, helping with the kid's schedule when we have things like spring break to set up child care for, etc.

A partner participates in the planning & doesn't just sit around waiting to be given "Orders".

jessicajoe

The ability to abide by an honesty contract never to be broken with a no omissions clause (because not mentioning it is as bad as lying about it)

involved

Probably every womans/persons idea of a good mate will be different according to their needs. Perfect mate for a drunk is a co dependent enabler! Maybe the question should be to yourself...who do I want to be a good husband to/with?

Katchie

-Give me your ear and really listen.

-Show bits of affection every day with no strings attached. Don't let your only affection be when you have the itch and can't sleep.

-Back me up with our sons. Help with the discipline and never contradict me or get onto me in front of them, respect me in their presence so they will respect me and their future wives.

-Be a spiritual leader in our home to our sons.

-Encourage my personal growth, don't fear it.

-Talk to me. I don't want to find things out from your mother.

-Love me flaws and all.

Hawkeye13

My perfect husband:

Has a sense of humor who can appreciate my sense of humor (twisted as it is)

Treats all people with respect, compassion, and kindness no matter what their station in life. I can't stand mean or patronizing Aholes.

Is a feminist--by this, I mean a respect of women as true equals and who doesn't need macho posturing to prove manhood.

Supports me in my dreams and goals, but also calls me out when I step on his.

Honors nature, other beings (animals or plants) and understands the difference between stewardship and ownership.

Is without exception an amazing chef who can appreciate good cooking but more importantly dish it up himself.

Understands the intimacy is not just bonking or pre-bonking warm up, but also includes showers together, mutual neck rubs while watching DVDs,
and plenty of frequent physical connections (for example, holding hands in the grocery, hugs and kisses goodbye or hello, etc.)

holds standards of honesty and integrity that are pretty absolute--my husband is more honest than me and I aspire to his level of truthfulness in all things. I find it amazing and wonderful.

Is willing to work hard to improve and take / give loving feedback. None of us are perfect and we all have bad days.
We are a work in progress, but even in a long-term marriage, we must keep working and not just going through the motions.



That's a few of the most important for me.
Not an easy job to fill, but I think that both spouses owe each other to be the best they can be for their partner, as Pamel said so beautifully in another earlier post today.

jessicajoe

I can often read your moods so you are not doing me any favors by keeping things to yourself !

Tell me whats bugging you even if you don't want to talk in detail about it or don't need me to say or do anything.
It's the only way I know for sure it's not about me/us/or (in As case) you have or are about to relapse !

changeneeded

Hammer:

If my Godly husband were Godly... I would be content knowing that he is
with sincerity praying for me and his children. If that were to happen it all would fall into place.

May you be blessed,

theuncertainty

I've been working on my list of the type of partner I want to be.

I want to be strong enough to be a partner who will:
1. Voice my needs, wants, opinions and beliefs.
2. Be willing to know when to compromise for the relationship and when not to.
3. Be willing to let my sense of humor show through.
4. Share my fears and know that the sharing makes them thinner.
5. Share my joys and know that the sharing make them brighter.
6. Accept my partner's feelings and beliefs as they are without trying to 'fix' them.
7. Go hiking, camping, boating, try new outdoor sports at the drop of a hat.
8. Be willing to trust my partner to love and parent my child as well as I do, even if not in the same exact way as I do.
9. Enjoy individual pursuits without relying on my partner to enjoy everything I do.
10. Make our home a safe haven, filled with light, laughter, love and music, a refuge from the outside world
11. Take equal responsibility for maintaining our household and relationship.
12. Stand up for and protect our house, family and relationship.

My list for me keeps growing. And I have to trust my HP that if I can get to where I meet the items, that there will be some one else who can appreciate, understand and honor them also. And I'm trying to trust my HP that they will walk into my life.

SparkleKitty

1. Makes me laugh.
2. Considers my feelings and perspectives when making all major decisions (as a bonus, he does this with the minor ones, too)
3. Takes care of his side of the street.

That's what I've got and it's all I'm really looking for.

lillamy

Yay Hammer!!!! That's where it's at! (and you knew that all along, I know you did.)

I don't have a list. Lists are BS. I like to tell people that my husband isn't perfect, but he is perfect for me. I can tell you what he is and does that I love. I think a lot of it applies to others; I know some of it won't.

He works hard at his job. He doesn't say "no" when people approach him with other job offers; he hears them out, sometimes interviews, and when the time is right, discusses with me whether or not he should change jobs. He sees it as obvious that we make financial decisions together.

He is open and honest in his dealings with all people. He controls his temper. I've known him for over 30 years and I've heard him raise his voice in anger maybe fewer than ten times over those years. And never towards me or the children.

He encourages me in my career. He shares the load of children and housework on every level. He is as much a listening sympathetic ear to the kids as I am (if you ask the kids, he's much nicer and more understanding than I am! ) To me, sharing the emotional responsibility in a family is even more important than the "stuff" that has to be done. He takes responsibility for growing and nurturing our relationship. Honestly, because I've worked so much on me, I think he's done MORE of the relationship nurturing than I have.

And the "chores" we just split sort of evenly. Doesn't mean we keep Excel files of who does the dishes the most often. He sees what needs doing and does it. As do I. And we are grateful to the other person for picking up what we can't handle on any given day.

He gives me permission to take care of myself. He insists I do. He asks me what I need and want. Sometimes, he makes suggestions, but he doesn't presume to know (even though he usually does). He takes time for himself. Cares for himself.

He shares his feelings with me. He reads me well. He knows me well enough to know when he can challenge me and when I just need a hug. He calls me on my codie BS. He shares with me what approaches to the kids he sees working, and lets me know when I'm being unfair to one of them. He knows me well enough to know that not all discussions will be settled the first time. He knows that sometimes, I can get hung up on a line of thinking and need a day, or a week, or a month to ponder it before we can continue talking.

He has said many, many times, and often in front of the children, that "the kids come first." And he lives that. The kids are always the priority. More than once when he and I have planned something, he's pulled me aside and said "Honey -- Smallest Child really needs some time with you. You and I can wait if you want to take her out to do something." However, he also sees when the kids take advantage and tells them when they are asking too much of me.

He sees me. He loves me just the way I am. He lets me know every day with his words and his actions that I am important to him and that I am a priority.

He can admit that he is wrong. He can apologize sincerely. He can see past minor disagreements and be irritated at me and still make me feel completely safe and secure in his love. (Oh, and he doesn't drink. On the rare occasion when he buys a six-pack of beer, I'll find five of them under the sink six months later.)

And I think there's something to be said for the fact that we have similar backgrounds. I know that's not politically correct, but for me, it works. We've known each other since childhood. We have the same frames of reference, similar level of education, grew up in similar social settings. We're close in age. We are of the same faith and political persuasion. We share a lot of interests, but we also have a whole set of interests that are our own. I know that's not "the perfect husband" stuff but it's "a good marriage" stuff.

And honestly, Hammer? I think just the fact that you are asking the question means you're well underway.

hopeful4

This:

HikerLady

LOL!!! Ok I am dead serious but cracking up that it wouldn't take much (well in normie world) to make me one happy wife. I only need, want one thing on my list to qualify for good husband. #1 SOBER at all times! Hey I figure if ever I get crazy enough to even indulge in the idea of what makes for a good husband I'm going to start small and work on the #2 After I get #1 checked off. I've just doomed myself for failure eh?

Lyssy

I just read this passage earlier this week.

I believe that Proverbs 31:23 says a lot about being a good husband:
Also, go back and re-read the whole chapter and think what aspects of a good husband allows for a good wife.

A good husband (for me) should be:
Godly
Honorable
Honest
A good provider
Loyal
Respected
A partner
A provider
A companion
A lover
A good example for his children
A leader
Ethical