NWGRITS

I think God is giving you that big sign with neon lights you've been waiting for. I hope the kids' input counts for something in court. If you have an attorney, they should be able to subpoena any records detailing her history and showing her unfit for custody. I'm praying that everything goes as well as possible, and that the kids get to stay in their safe place.

Hammer

Supposed to be on the way back in.

Will see what's what when they get here.

Love all three kids, but my personal big concern is for the middle one.

He has some early "traits," and is the most sensitive to STBXAW's "behaviors" (is that kind enough?)

He was also the one with the direct request to hold things together. And it is abandonment issues that thread the needle on Borderline.

MissFixit

You have the inside scoop on how to handle those issues. Mrs hammer never had the benefit of a healthy knowledgeable parent.

amy55

Me, I just want good-will, mutuality, respect, ability to compromise.

Good-will #1. Be willing to always take a cool off period and resolve things with respect, empathy and compassion.

Praying

Hammer, I hear ya.

I've got one with "traits" as well...NPD is my fear from X. I have to be careful in my own recovery because he triggers me sometimes when he tries to manipulate and gaslight me to get me to do things. Pains me to write it here. No idea if I can help since the research is mixed on genetics and environment...can only do my best.

Was making a list a few days ago about my triggers that I still need to work through, and for the first time wrote him down. Scares me silly, saddens me completely. I call him out and redirect to a healthy way (when I catch it- I was so conditioned to take it for so long). I'm hoping a little behavior mod can kick it, but his T said she's not sure because he's so layered in denial/fix/I'm fine. Argh. It's a real trick to avoid that old Codie self-blame when it comes to my kids. I'm not though.

But as others said...YOU are the best thing that could happen to your kiddo! (I say I am too, lol) Can't future-trip on it now. Enough other issues to attend to...

Sending you prayers and huge hugs.

NWGRITS

It's scary seeing these things in our kids and not knowing if there's anything we can do to stop it. DS8 displays some narcissistic traits, which would be a gift from my AM. DD6 was recently diagnosed with autism, which led to my diagnosis of Aspergers. I figure I'm better equipped than anyone to help my kids, but the NPD scares the living sh*t out of me. I'm hoping that he's just a typical cocky Leo. Some of his refusal to pay me any mind or respond appropriately to consequences has me concerned, though.

barliegirl

Wonderful response. The kind of husband I always wanted.

MissFixit

Hi Hammer,

You okay?

Hammer

Not so bad, thanks.

Letting things sort themselves out.

As the Alananny Angels have taught me -- EVERYTHING is right where it should be right now. I am having a hard time seeing that. But it must be so.

My Angels would never lie.

Hawkeye13

Hi Hammer;
Just thinking of you and your kids and hoping for the best outcome for all of you, including Mrs. H.

I agree, everything is right where it should be.

like NWgrits says, "God's neon lights" seem to have arrived by unlikely messenger.

Florence

I'm just now reading through this thread and hoping to hear an update soon!

Hammer, I know no advice and all that, but I wish you'd get away from her. Cut those ties. You seem like a guy who is striving for better things and (mostly!) willing to go after the life you want. I know you think that being tighter with her is a solution for the kids, but I disagree. This is one leap of faith you're going to have to make, that the courts will work for you and for your kids, and/or that all this will work itself out in the end. I know that all the ACAs I know say that they wish with everything they have that their well parent shielded them from the sick parent and minimized contact with the addiction as much as possible.

I also think that under your jokes is a lot of pain. I laugh with you, but I'm cringing too.

A couple of years ago my sister became a foster parent, and one of her foster babies was a little guy whose mom was a CRAZYTOWN addict and his dad, despite being a perfectly capable parent, wouldn't leave her. The state stepped in and basically told the dad that if he couldn't leave her for good and shield his infant son from her antics (trust me, they were terrible) they would sever his rights to the child. He, for whatever reason, couldn't say no to her. The father was asked to choose his kids over his toxic, addict wife, and he folded his hands and said no. The baby boy was adopted to another family. Nobody's taking your kids away, but as an object lesson, it's a pretty powerful story. Choose your kids, you know? They don't have choices here.

isitme

Just a little side note.. I'm in the weirdest part of TX, but I do know father's who were awarded full custody in instances for substance/alcohol abuse. This was some years back too, so I can only imagine the odds in your favor have increased.