Good Husband Checklist
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Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 
As Dandylion says, I can't quite read between the lines of your most recent post to understand what is going on. We're all here for you, no matter what, remember that.
I was going to post a very belated response to your initial post about what makes a good husband, and perhaps it is still - or even more - relevant now.
To be a Good Husband requires that you be in a Real Marriage with a Real Wife.
If you don't have that as the bedrock for your relationship, then there isn't any way to really be a Good Husband.
To me, being a Good Husband or Good Wife requires a real live breathing relationship with the other partner. It is not a solitary activity.
It's like that "pull the rope" game where you have a person on either end of the rope pulling hard, and if they are balanced, everybody keeps standing.
If the other guy doesn't pull, doesn't participate, you're automatically down on your proverbial "as*" and there isn't any game at all.
I was going to post a very belated response to your initial post about what makes a good husband, and perhaps it is still - or even more - relevant now.
To be a Good Husband requires that you be in a Real Marriage with a Real Wife.
If you don't have that as the bedrock for your relationship, then there isn't any way to really be a Good Husband.
To me, being a Good Husband or Good Wife requires a real live breathing relationship with the other partner. It is not a solitary activity.
It's like that "pull the rope" game where you have a person on either end of the rope pulling hard, and if they are balanced, everybody keeps standing.
If the other guy doesn't pull, doesn't participate, you're automatically down on your proverbial "as*" and there isn't any game at all.
Not trying to do both sides -- just making sure My Side is good.
Does that make sense? This is not a Fix-It exercise, just a Check-List exercise.
If any problem is not on my side, it is not my problem.
I thought I was a Good Wife and ministered for years to my Poor Husband's Health Problems, not realizing that most of them stemmed from his alcoholism, narcissism, and other addictions. I stayed 20 years in a relationship that silently deteriorated to the point where I let myself be verbally abused and d*mn near lost my soul because I thought a Good Wife Always Stays With Her Husband no matter what.
My psychiatrist said recently that he believes that if I had stayed much longer I would have contracted some kind of terminal disease - a cry for freedom of the most desperate nature.
I took great pride in my sense of Honor and my ability to Fulfill My Commitments, no matter how hard or personally detrimental. I was Not A Quitter. Who knew that that is the recipe for Enabling and Co-Dependency? I didn't.
My freedom began two years ago this coming July 4th when I had to literally run away to keep my soul intact. The healing is slow, but I am healing and I am finding serenity more and more.
If you're hitched up in a harness like a team of horses, and the driver is taking the wagon off the cliff, it does not matter how hard you work to make that wagon move unless the driver changes the direction it is headed.
Maybe what I learned is that I can't be a Good Wife in a Bad Marriage. And neither the Wife nor the Husband is the Driver of the marriage; that job is more subtly determined by the sum of each of the Husband and Wife's desires and actions, and perhaps, in the end, it is our HP who points us in the direction of the cliff or the castle.
Again, we're here with you and for you. I think the pivot point for you will be recognizing which path is toward true health, not which path the desire to succeed drives you toward.
.
Blessings,
ShootingStar1
Our really crazy has been since Rehab for her. The Rehab totally botched the underlying Psych issues, and she only got two weeks of competent T (who gave the DX she will not tolerate) on return before I caught her changing the T receipts to steal money. (yeah, really, really crazy). Since she did not like DX, she used that Drama to switch T's to one who would not say "bad things" and has been in that for over a year now.
While she has been up and down crazy over the years, including forcing us homeless, SI/Cutting episodes, etc., I usually did some "just work harder" (Boxer the Horse) to cover and fix those.
But during those 18 months since she has returned from Rehab, I have not just been sitting on my butt. Well, I guess a lot of the self-work does involve sitting . . . . anyway. Some T time, Alanon, SR, Full Steps Program, Alateen Sponsor Training. Very Close on the Go(o)d Stuff. On and on. I could not be much better prepared for this.
All by God's Grace and Mercy. Which is pretty good stuff.
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Let go or be dragged, right?
I was dragged and I wish to God that I let go earlier. You might never have pulled the trigger, so God pulled it for you. You and the kids will be okay.
You got healthier and she couldn't live with that around her, so she left health for insanity. Makes sense, right? Healthy attracts healthy and unhealthy attracts unhealthy.
That would be a hoot if she has to pay you child support. You might just come out better off than before, ya know?
I was dragged and I wish to God that I let go earlier. You might never have pulled the trigger, so God pulled it for you. You and the kids will be okay.
You got healthier and she couldn't live with that around her, so she left health for insanity. Makes sense, right? Healthy attracts healthy and unhealthy attracts unhealthy.
That would be a hoot if she has to pay you child support. You might just come out better off than before, ya know?
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Ummm....I so often want to say something to you, Hammer, but then I don't know what to say.
Or I'm too angry to say anything...perhaps that's what it is for me. Angry, because of my experience growing up under the control of a severe BPD mother, as you know. Trapped through early adulthood....no way out.
So, seeing you continue on, keeping yourself and your kids in harm's way.....makes me pretty upset.
Another factor that makes it hard to know what to say is your way of joking over the issue- -or that's how it seems to me. I'm often not sure what you really mean, and don't know how to respond.
Anyway, I'm not a god or bible person, so I don't know how to respond in that department, either.
No matter how good or godly one is, sticking around and keeping your kids in it, while wondering how to be "gooder", "stronger", "manly-er",........ I don't know what to say, cuz it just gets me kind of riled up.
I hope the rest of their lives turns out better than mine. It's a lifetime of stuff to have to unlearn.
Or I'm too angry to say anything...perhaps that's what it is for me. Angry, because of my experience growing up under the control of a severe BPD mother, as you know. Trapped through early adulthood....no way out.
So, seeing you continue on, keeping yourself and your kids in harm's way.....makes me pretty upset.
Another factor that makes it hard to know what to say is your way of joking over the issue- -or that's how it seems to me. I'm often not sure what you really mean, and don't know how to respond.
Anyway, I'm not a god or bible person, so I don't know how to respond in that department, either.
No matter how good or godly one is, sticking around and keeping your kids in it, while wondering how to be "gooder", "stronger", "manly-er",........ I don't know what to say, cuz it just gets me kind of riled up.
I hope the rest of their lives turns out better than mine. It's a lifetime of stuff to have to unlearn.
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Originally Posted by Argnotthisagain
Ummm....I so often want to say something to you, Hammer, but then I don't know what to say.
Or I'm too angry to say anything...perhaps that's what it is for me. Angry, because of my experience growing up under the control of a severe BPD mother, as you know. Trapped through early adulthood....no way out.
So, seeing you continue on, keeping yourself and your kids in harm's way.....makes me pretty upset.
Another factor that makes it hard to know what to say is your way of joking over the issue- -or that's how it seems to me. I'm often not sure what you really mean, and don't know how to respond.
Anyway, I'm not a god or bible person, so I don't know how to respond in that department, either.
No matter how good or godly one is, sticking around and keeping your kids in it, while wondering how to be "gooder", "stronger", "manly-er",........ I don't know what to say, cuz it just gets me kind of riled up.
I hope the rest of their lives turns out better than mine. It's a lifetime of stuff to have to unlearn.
Or I'm too angry to say anything...perhaps that's what it is for me. Angry, because of my experience growing up under the control of a severe BPD mother, as you know. Trapped through early adulthood....no way out.
So, seeing you continue on, keeping yourself and your kids in harm's way.....makes me pretty upset.
Another factor that makes it hard to know what to say is your way of joking over the issue- -or that's how it seems to me. I'm often not sure what you really mean, and don't know how to respond.
Anyway, I'm not a god or bible person, so I don't know how to respond in that department, either.
No matter how good or godly one is, sticking around and keeping your kids in it, while wondering how to be "gooder", "stronger", "manly-er",........ I don't know what to say, cuz it just gets me kind of riled up.
I hope the rest of their lives turns out better than mine. It's a lifetime of stuff to have to unlearn.
Fully understood.
I think you may be pleased with the turn of events today, then.
As near as I can tell she pretty much signed her own collapse in this regard.
But we will see.
Real question --
If after going over the full mental illness aspects with the courts, if they were to award her ANY %, how do I protect the kids from her?
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Hammer, you are so clever I hope you have engineered a Plan X with your God given talents. It frightens me that you admit you would never have acted. And for that, I am actually grateful to Mrs. Hammer. She freed you when you would not free yourself. I find that so terribly sad. What exactly were you willing to sacrifice yourself for? And please get the kids safe from the fall out. You know her anger is going to rage for a time.
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As for the traits, here's a different view u read today on FB!
The Secret List All Women Have. ~ Noorulain Masood | elephant journal
The Secret List All Women Have. ~ Noorulain Masood | elephant journal
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If after going over the full mental illness aspects with the courts, if they were to award her ANY %, how do I protect the kids from her?
What you CAN do is provide the sane home. The safe home. A home without crazy in it where they get to spend the other half of their time. Predictable, safe and loving. That's what you CAN control. And believe it or not, that's an improvement from the current scenario where they live with a mentally unstable/disabled person 100% of the time.
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Originally Posted by CodeJob
Hammer, you are so clever I hope you have engineered a Plan X with your God given talents.
It frightens me that you admit you would never have acted. And for that, I am actually grateful to Mrs. Hammer. She freed you when you would not free yourself. I find that so terribly sad.
What exactly were you willing to sacrifice yourself for? And please get the kids safe from the fall out. You know her anger is going to rage for a time.
Dunno if you follow "persona(s)" or schema models? The administrator (running things on her side right now) is not particularly angry. Nor bright. Tends to get her advice from other A's.
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Originally Posted by Stung
You can't. Additionally, even if you can bring up in court that she has a mental disability, she would presumably be a fit parent if you've been staying with her all this time, no?
You follow the difference? Stayed tight BECAUSE of her Mental Illness.
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Funny Jokes | The Lottery Ticket Joke | Comedy Central
God's guidance and mercy are to be utilized along with the gifts he gave you IMO.
God's guidance and mercy are to be utilized along with the gifts he gave you IMO.
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Originally Posted by CodeJob
Funny Jokes | The Lottery Ticket Joke | Comedy Central
God's guidance and mercy are to be utilized along with the gifts he gave you IMO.
God's guidance and mercy are to be utilized along with the gifts he gave you IMO.
=========
Add on Edit. For folks not Catholic nor other such, and following along. That is not an attack on CJ. The reference is actually towards Peter -- A chronic bonehead who had major acceptance problems . . . about like me.
But this is something asked often -- why not force this or that to suit what seems right to us, right now? Anyone is welcome to do that, but as near as I can tell, per Step 11 that is not really the way He flies . . . .
Covering this for Judas -- who seemed very prone to this, as well . . . .
http://www.catholicwebphilosopher.co...ctions-on.html
================
Third, it may be that Judas never intended Jesus to die. It may be that he believed Jesus to be the Messiah. But he may have thought that Jesus was moving too slowly; and he may have wished for nothing else than to force his hand. That is in fact the view which best suits all the facts. Judas betrayed Jesus in order to force him to act and reveal himself as the Messiah.
However we look at it, the tragedy of Judas is that he refused to accept Jesus as he was and tried to make him what he wanted him to be. It is not Christ who should be changed by us, but we who must be changed by him. We can never, and must never, use God for our purposes.
The tragedy of Judas is that of a man who thought he knew better than God. As we enter even deeper into the mystery of Holy Week, Christ invites us to do what he did, to put our lives in God’s hands and say with him: “Father, not mine, but your will be done”.
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That is exactly why I have my name Hammer. God allows Satan to F with Job. Job questions God. There are a variety of interpretations, but some see Job winning. God goes back, mulls it over and sends his own son to fully experience the human condition.
Codependent Biblical Job. I will always question God. It is God himself who pals around with Satan - not Job.
Codependent Biblical Job. I will always question God. It is God himself who pals around with Satan - not Job.
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Originally Posted by CodeJob
That is exactly why I have my name Hammer. God allows Satan to F with Job. Job questions God. There are a variety of interpretations, but some see Job winning. God goes back, mulls it over and sends his own son to fully experience the human condition.
Codependent Biblical Job. I will always question God. It is God himself who pals around with Satan - not Job.
Codependent Biblical Job. I will always question God. It is God himself who pals around with Satan - not Job.
Larger picture I am sort of leaning and learning towards this all being a Yin-Yang, Good v. Evil, Dark v Light side sort of thing that gets played out on us humans. Perhaps my "Angels" v. STBXAW's "Demons." Dunno. All above my pay grade. In the meanwhile -- as per Job -- Praise God.
Was looking over STBXAW's demand list, and it reads like a typical A.
NOTHING about any real concern for the kids -- all about her. Wants "my time" to be limited to every other weekend (to serve her work schedule) and Mondays 6 pm to 8 pm ONLY. (again, her work schedule)
Always All About the A, right? Just to use the kids as hostages and pawns. Like some folks have mentioned on here -- A's do not have relationships, they have hostages.
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Originally Posted by MissFixit
how old are your kids? at some age don't they have input about whom they want to live with? thought it was around age 13/14.
Looking a little further, she claims she was sole status for determining location of housing and schools.
Ok. AAAA. She wants to drag the kids off on (another) Geographic Cure.
Mental Illness is as Mental Illness does.
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How are you feeling Hammer?
Lots of change coming up, I don't know about you but me the idea of stepping out of known dysfunction and having to face a "hopefully healthy" future as a single woman was really scary.
I don't know what State you are in but if I remember well your kids are teens and pre teens so chances are that the court will interview them and ask them where they would like to reside.
You're doing great not climbing on the crazy train: stay at the station with us and wave that train bye bye
Lots of change coming up, I don't know about you but me the idea of stepping out of known dysfunction and having to face a "hopefully healthy" future as a single woman was really scary.
I don't know what State you are in but if I remember well your kids are teens and pre teens so chances are that the court will interview them and ask them where they would like to reside.
You're doing great not climbing on the crazy train: stay at the station with us and wave that train bye bye
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Originally Posted by Hammer
12, 9 and 7.
Looking a little further, she claims she was sole status for determining location of housing and schools.
Ok. AAAA. She wants to drag the kids off on (another) Geographic Cure.
Mental Illness is as Mental Illness does.
Looking a little further, she claims she was sole status for determining location of housing and schools.
Ok. AAAA. She wants to drag the kids off on (another) Geographic Cure.
Mental Illness is as Mental Illness does.
Do you have an attorney? Can you talk with one this week? I remember my dad having to pile on the evidence about my mom's illness with statements from several experts (doctors). Mom had a couple friends vouch for her, but it wasn't enough given her mental history. The self harm thing is a big one at least it was in our case. Documentation, documentation, documentation.
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On review caught some more of this . . . (btw, thanks for the details, Stung)
Completely agree. Was thinking just doing an Open House relationship proposal. Where she can come, go, visit, etc., But for all the "Grown Up" things, I would still take care of the kids.
Dunno on the job. Has sort of a wig-out history. My T's first concern was that we would not go under if she loses it. There was no promotion, per se, just a lateral move between different rehabs.
[And (geeezzzzz) I had to lie for her to get the job. Yeah, I know, I know, right in the middle of My Steps Program, and my mouth lied three times, just like Peter, covering for her lies. Bad day, that one.]
The big one -- T. For a year and half. There are very few DX that go for a year and half.
But in this, I am not trying to make her look bad, good, or anything else. Or even really fighting for award status. Just trying to keep the kids safe from her Mental Illness. She crashes every couple of years, anyway, so that is not likely too far away. This is probably the run-up.
Originally Posted by Stung
Hopefully your children will be allowed to put their two cents in as well but I would presume that they'll still want a relationship with their mom.
She's gainfully employed, recently promoted, going to therapy, etc. On paper, she doesn't look very bad, Hammer.
Dunno on the job. Has sort of a wig-out history. My T's first concern was that we would not go under if she loses it. There was no promotion, per se, just a lateral move between different rehabs.
[And (geeezzzzz) I had to lie for her to get the job. Yeah, I know, I know, right in the middle of My Steps Program, and my mouth lied three times, just like Peter, covering for her lies. Bad day, that one.]
The big one -- T. For a year and half. There are very few DX that go for a year and half.
But in this, I am not trying to make her look bad, good, or anything else. Or even really fighting for award status. Just trying to keep the kids safe from her Mental Illness. She crashes every couple of years, anyway, so that is not likely too far away. This is probably the run-up.
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Sorry to hear she's coming off the rails. Agree this sounds like the upswing of a mental illness cycle. Lots of noise and activity, very little rational thought.
How are the young Hammers? Have they heard the news or are you still sifting through the crazy on this one?
How are the young Hammers? Have they heard the news or are you still sifting through the crazy on this one?
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