Good Husband Checklist
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
I actually just want an SO who Shows Up.
I would like an SO who I don't consider to be a Spiritual Exercise.
(I really don't want that to sound self-righteous. I know I have tons of spiritual work to do on myself, but some people are sent by God to boost you up and other people feel like a weight around the ankle of your spiritual struggles. And, yes, I am struggling in a few ways but working on it).
I would like an SO who I don't consider to be a Spiritual Exercise.
(I really don't want that to sound self-righteous. I know I have tons of spiritual work to do on myself, but some people are sent by God to boost you up and other people feel like a weight around the ankle of your spiritual struggles. And, yes, I am struggling in a few ways but working on it).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 1,303
Hammer I love reading your posts..I just want to add that today I went to a football match and saw the football coach quip with us on the sideline..as he was doing that he was looking lovingly with his wife...Oh to have the that wonderful luuurrve! 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
I've seen something in ALOT of my male friends, and the one thing that really stood out is this:
They expected that they themselves can 'fix' almost anything, at great cost to themselves.
This is actually a fatal flaw to their marriages, with most ending in divorce or incredibly resentful relationships.
The wives, unknowing what their hubbies had to go through, or pay, to fix a problem, only thought 'no biggie' as the husband, for manly reasons, didn't bother to let them in on what needed to happen.
This obviously spells that honest communication wasn't really there on both parts but the one thing that really opened my eyes to this is that we men need to be forthright with our trusted spouses in telling them what transpired and the actual cost of fixing the issue(be it material, situational, etc), and the consequence of it happening again.
So, yes, HONEST COMMUNICATION needs to be priority.
The lists here from other looks pretty good, too.
Hope this helps.
They expected that they themselves can 'fix' almost anything, at great cost to themselves.
This is actually a fatal flaw to their marriages, with most ending in divorce or incredibly resentful relationships.
The wives, unknowing what their hubbies had to go through, or pay, to fix a problem, only thought 'no biggie' as the husband, for manly reasons, didn't bother to let them in on what needed to happen.
This obviously spells that honest communication wasn't really there on both parts but the one thing that really opened my eyes to this is that we men need to be forthright with our trusted spouses in telling them what transpired and the actual cost of fixing the issue(be it material, situational, etc), and the consequence of it happening again.
So, yes, HONEST COMMUNICATION needs to be priority.
The lists here from other looks pretty good, too.
Hope this helps.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Specifications Vs. HP
I think it is good to know traits and have an idea of what you seek in a mate.
However, there is a balance between project management checklists and which souls are in your life. The mix of choices is a factor more in the control of your HP. I did date a healthy collection of men and had a few relationships. I was only in love twice. My heart was truly only drawn in twice. I don't feel like I had full control of turning on that level of connection so I need to turn that over to HP too.
Now here's the kicker, my qualifier and I both fought our relationship. Neither one of us wanted to be tied down with the other. He had career goals best accomplished single. I had my checklist and smoking was a no go. I was ticked off he smoked. I will never forget being with him on first outing and knowing he was the one on some elemental level and being upset about it. We were consistently drawn to each other and we did not even live in the same state until we got married.
So thank u for this thread. It will make me reflect on what am I truly supposed to do now and be open to my heart which is really not fully guided by my logic.
However, there is a balance between project management checklists and which souls are in your life. The mix of choices is a factor more in the control of your HP. I did date a healthy collection of men and had a few relationships. I was only in love twice. My heart was truly only drawn in twice. I don't feel like I had full control of turning on that level of connection so I need to turn that over to HP too.
Now here's the kicker, my qualifier and I both fought our relationship. Neither one of us wanted to be tied down with the other. He had career goals best accomplished single. I had my checklist and smoking was a no go. I was ticked off he smoked. I will never forget being with him on first outing and knowing he was the one on some elemental level and being upset about it. We were consistently drawn to each other and we did not even live in the same state until we got married.
So thank u for this thread. It will make me reflect on what am I truly supposed to do now and be open to my heart which is really not fully guided by my logic.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 160
My ideal partner is someone who truly believes my thoughts and welfare are as important as his own, and then makes decisions and takes action based on that belief. He doesn't need to always agree with me (though that would be reallyreally nice), just respects and honors my wishes and needs.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Oh boy Hammer, you really did it this time. Asking the women of this forum for their dream list! LOL!
In all seriousness, my reply is a man that cares enough about himself that he cares not only if his paint job is waxed and shiny, but cares enough about himself to pay attention and care for that which can't be seen until the hood is raised. Healthy, inside and out. Self-awareness. Self-care. I believe that leads to the ability to care for others too.
In all seriousness, my reply is a man that cares enough about himself that he cares not only if his paint job is waxed and shiny, but cares enough about himself to pay attention and care for that which can't be seen until the hood is raised. Healthy, inside and out. Self-awareness. Self-care. I believe that leads to the ability to care for others too.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Hey, just wanted to say Thank You for all the good, thoughtful, and funny, and insightful, posts I got on this thread.
So.
THANK YOU!
At the time, I was starting into my Steps Program, and things were a bit overwhelming.
But looking back through your lists . . . .
I think I can do ALL of that, at least some of the time.
And Most of it, Most of the time.
So.
THANK YOU!
At the time, I was starting into my Steps Program, and things were a bit overwhelming.
But looking back through your lists . . . .
I think I can do ALL of that, at least some of the time.
And Most of it, Most of the time.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Very odd. Very odd, indeed.
Was just served papers with a claim for Conservatorship and Child Support -- from AWtf.
Pretty whacky. She cannot handle the kids, full time, and Child Support is less than the bills are.
Once it goes to court, she will probably be shown to have Personality Disorder level Mental Illness and I will have to take/be awarded major custody, and she may have to cover Child Support, as well.
All Things Work Together for Good . . . but it is sometimes odd to see the path to get there.
Was just served papers with a claim for Conservatorship and Child Support -- from AWtf.
Pretty whacky. She cannot handle the kids, full time, and Child Support is less than the bills are.
Once it goes to court, she will probably be shown to have Personality Disorder level Mental Illness and I will have to take/be awarded major custody, and she may have to cover Child Support, as well.
All Things Work Together for Good . . . but it is sometimes odd to see the path to get there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
A good man ......
Some good definitions above, here are a few more
* Does not judge other people
* Has humility (the opposite of arrogance), doesn't see himself as superior to others
* Doesn't offer unsolicited advice
Some good definitions above, here are a few more
* Does not judge other people
* Has humility (the opposite of arrogance), doesn't see himself as superior to others
* Doesn't offer unsolicited advice
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hammer---I am a little slow, sometimes.....but, am I seeing what I think I might be seeing??
Is this a major change in direction of your relationship......?
Is she talking separation....?
I am a simple woman in a gingham dress.....can you spell it out for me a little better...?
dandylion
Is this a major change in direction of your relationship......?
Is she talking separation....?
I am a simple woman in a gingham dress.....can you spell it out for me a little better...?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,427
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Hammer---I am a little slow, sometimes.....but, am I seeing what I think I might be seeing??
Is this a major change in direction of your relationship......?
Is she talking separation....?
I am a simple woman in a gingham dress.....can you spell it out for me a little better...?
dandylion
Is this a major change in direction of your relationship......?
Is she talking separation....?
I am a simple woman in a gingham dress.....can you spell it out for me a little better...?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
As Dandylion says, I can't quite read between the lines of your most recent post to understand what is going on. We're all here for you, no matter what, remember that.
I was going to post a very belated response to your initial post about what makes a good husband, and perhaps it is still - or even more - relevant now.
To be a Good Husband requires that you be in a Real Marriage with a Real Wife.
If you don't have that as the bedrock for your relationship, then there isn't any way to really be a Good Husband.
To me, being a Good Husband or Good Wife requires a real live breathing relationship with the other partner. It is not a solitary activity.
It's like that "pull the rope" game where you have a person on either end of the rope pulling hard, and if they are balanced, everybody keeps standing.
If the other guy doesn't pull, doesn't participate, you're automatically down on your proverbial "as*" and there isn't any game at all.
I thought I was a Good Wife and ministered for years to my Poor Husband's Health Problems, not realizing that most of them stemmed from his alcoholism, narcissism, and other addictions. I stayed 20 years in a relationship that silently deteriorated to the point where I let myself be verbally abused and d*mn near lost my soul because I thought a Good Wife Always Stays With Her Husband no matter what.
My psychiatrist said recently that he believes that if I had stayed much longer I would have contracted some kind of terminal disease - a cry for freedom of the most desperate nature.
I took great pride in my sense of Honor and my ability to Fulfill My Commitments, no matter how hard or personally detrimental. I was Not A Quitter. Who knew that that is the recipe for Enabling and Co-Dependency? I didn't.
My freedom began two years ago this coming July 4th when I had to literally run away to keep my soul intact. The healing is slow, but I am healing and I am finding serenity more and more.
If you're hitched up in a harness like a team of horses, and the driver is taking the wagon off the cliff, it does not matter how hard you work to make that wagon move unless the driver changes the direction it is headed.
Maybe what I learned is that I can't be a Good Wife in a Bad Marriage. And neither the Wife nor the Husband is the Driver of the marriage; that job is more subtly determined by the sum of each of the Husband and Wife's desires and actions, and perhaps, in the end, it is our HP who points us in the direction of the cliff or the castle.
Again, we're here with you and for you. I think the pivot point for you will be recognizing which path is toward true health, not which path the desire to succeed drives you toward.
Blessings,
ShootingStar1
I was going to post a very belated response to your initial post about what makes a good husband, and perhaps it is still - or even more - relevant now.
To be a Good Husband requires that you be in a Real Marriage with a Real Wife.
If you don't have that as the bedrock for your relationship, then there isn't any way to really be a Good Husband.
To me, being a Good Husband or Good Wife requires a real live breathing relationship with the other partner. It is not a solitary activity.
It's like that "pull the rope" game where you have a person on either end of the rope pulling hard, and if they are balanced, everybody keeps standing.
If the other guy doesn't pull, doesn't participate, you're automatically down on your proverbial "as*" and there isn't any game at all.
I thought I was a Good Wife and ministered for years to my Poor Husband's Health Problems, not realizing that most of them stemmed from his alcoholism, narcissism, and other addictions. I stayed 20 years in a relationship that silently deteriorated to the point where I let myself be verbally abused and d*mn near lost my soul because I thought a Good Wife Always Stays With Her Husband no matter what.
My psychiatrist said recently that he believes that if I had stayed much longer I would have contracted some kind of terminal disease - a cry for freedom of the most desperate nature.
I took great pride in my sense of Honor and my ability to Fulfill My Commitments, no matter how hard or personally detrimental. I was Not A Quitter. Who knew that that is the recipe for Enabling and Co-Dependency? I didn't.
My freedom began two years ago this coming July 4th when I had to literally run away to keep my soul intact. The healing is slow, but I am healing and I am finding serenity more and more.
If you're hitched up in a harness like a team of horses, and the driver is taking the wagon off the cliff, it does not matter how hard you work to make that wagon move unless the driver changes the direction it is headed.
Maybe what I learned is that I can't be a Good Wife in a Bad Marriage. And neither the Wife nor the Husband is the Driver of the marriage; that job is more subtly determined by the sum of each of the Husband and Wife's desires and actions, and perhaps, in the end, it is our HP who points us in the direction of the cliff or the castle.
Again, we're here with you and for you. I think the pivot point for you will be recognizing which path is toward true health, not which path the desire to succeed drives you toward.
Blessings,
ShootingStar1
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Sure. The kids are out in East Texas this weekend, at what we were calling Granna/Grandpa Camp, a follow-on to their Girl Scout/Cub Scout Camps. She is out there to pick them up.
So. AWtf had papers scheduled and served to attempt to claim Custody/Guardian/Conservatorship of the kids. (except for a few hours a week when she thinks she will need a babysitter to cover her work/rehab schedule). And of course Child Support, in a world where she now contributes nothing to housing or utilities.
See, at this point she has created so much fantasy drama in all the different lies she created to justify her behavior since Rehab, that she probably feels compelled to try this. After all, if I am some heinous evil, is she not obliged to "Get Those Kids Away?"
Which is most likely the chant of the AA Gossip Girls, and the MIL, who crashed her own family in this same manner -- creating the requisite childhood trauma to have propelled AWtf into the Borderline Region when AWtf was a little one.
But at this point, to anyone who has been around it, it is just Drama (see Karpman Drama Triangle) Scene #1583 (and counting) where AWtf is trying so hard to be some sort of Victim, has to have a fantasy Villain, and engage any would-be Rescuer(s).
Problem is, the kids and I have all seen this show before, and no one has any desire to be part of "Create-a-Crisis.com" as it is now known. Kids seen it coming a while back and all came and asked to make sure I have their back and will keep custody if AWtf goes over the edge (again, again, again).
For my side, I have it pretty well cleaned and cleared from all the work I have done (THANK YOU, SR! THANK YOU, ALANON! THANK YOU, Sponsor and Steps Program, AND THANK YOU, GOD!), but was prepared to keep things functioning for the kids. May have never pulled the trigger on AWtf. So she pulled it on herself.
This is what Mentally Ill A's do, right?
A dog goes Bark, Bark.
A cat goes Meow.
A cow goes Moo.
Mentally Ill A's create crisis for themselves and all those around they can.
From far wiser tongues than mine . . . .
Ye Shall Know a Tree by Its Fruit.
So. AWtf had papers scheduled and served to attempt to claim Custody/Guardian/Conservatorship of the kids. (except for a few hours a week when she thinks she will need a babysitter to cover her work/rehab schedule). And of course Child Support, in a world where she now contributes nothing to housing or utilities.
See, at this point she has created so much fantasy drama in all the different lies she created to justify her behavior since Rehab, that she probably feels compelled to try this. After all, if I am some heinous evil, is she not obliged to "Get Those Kids Away?"
Which is most likely the chant of the AA Gossip Girls, and the MIL, who crashed her own family in this same manner -- creating the requisite childhood trauma to have propelled AWtf into the Borderline Region when AWtf was a little one.
But at this point, to anyone who has been around it, it is just Drama (see Karpman Drama Triangle) Scene #1583 (and counting) where AWtf is trying so hard to be some sort of Victim, has to have a fantasy Villain, and engage any would-be Rescuer(s).
Problem is, the kids and I have all seen this show before, and no one has any desire to be part of "Create-a-Crisis.com" as it is now known. Kids seen it coming a while back and all came and asked to make sure I have their back and will keep custody if AWtf goes over the edge (again, again, again).
For my side, I have it pretty well cleaned and cleared from all the work I have done (THANK YOU, SR! THANK YOU, ALANON! THANK YOU, Sponsor and Steps Program, AND THANK YOU, GOD!), but was prepared to keep things functioning for the kids. May have never pulled the trigger on AWtf. So she pulled it on herself.
This is what Mentally Ill A's do, right?
A dog goes Bark, Bark.
A cat goes Meow.
A cow goes Moo.
Mentally Ill A's create crisis for themselves and all those around they can.
From far wiser tongues than mine . . . .
Ye Shall Know a Tree by Its Fruit.
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