FlippedRHalo

I woke up today feeling physically sick and so exhausted. My stomach is in a ball of knots. I feel like someone poured acid in there and set it on fire. To boot, I think I'm beyond drained emotionally. Spent. Like I have nothing left, yet I'm still able to cry. And cry. And cry some more. Thankfully I have the day off, but this isn't how I expected to spend it. Yesterday's numbness was such a welcome relief and now it's gone. Back to pain, confusion and missing the hell out of the man I loved so very much, who is basically dead now.

I want to do nothing. I haven't moved from the couch. I'm just kind of stuck here, thinking and feeling so ill over the entire situation and the fact that the person I love and adore refuses to see what he's doing. He just simply refuses. Wow. How?

When I sit and look back, it rocks me to my very core how much he's changed this last year. I loved this man with all I had. He was amazing. Before the uncaring alcoholic took over he was so understanding, compassionate, loving & fun. God did we have fun. He understood me and I understood him.

And now that's dead. Buried. Never to be again.

He's turned into someone I don't know and I need to turn away from in order to save my own life. We were once so together and now we're so far apart. He's there comforting himself with more alcohol and I'm here, feeling every ounce of this pain, all alone, trying to keep the broken pieces from completely shattering beyond repair.

I tried to never let him suffer alone like it was my job. And here I sit, not knowing in the slightest how to fix my own suffering.

I miss him. The old him. The him that I fell so deeply in love with. He's not there anymore. There's a monster where he used to be. A mean, cruel, abusive monster.

Why is that so hard for me to accept and come to terms with? That person is gone. Trying to accept that is like trying to swallowing glass. Yet, there is no other choice but to accept it. It can't be fixed. I have to let go.

I want to answer him, but it leads to the same painful place every single time. There's no more proof needed than this last week. He couldn't even last a week without the controlling, abusive, mind screwing and heavy drinking.

It's not fair. It's so, so unfair.

dandylion

Dear Flipped--continue to cry. This is an important part of the grieving. You are at the wailing wall.

dandylion

Raider

I very sorry. Blessings and praying for you.

lillamy

You know what?
That's OK.

It hurts. Let it. It won't kill you. Dandylion has a very good point -- crying isn't bad. It hurts but it helps.

Want to hear some of the things I did while grieving my first marriage?

When my kids had weekends with their dad, there were weekends I did not shower or leave the house. I would go to Blockbuster on my way home from work and get three seasons of a TV-series I hadn't seen. Stop by my favorite Thai restaurant and get takeout for four people. Then I'd stay in bed and watch endless TV and eat my way through a four-person dinner over the course of 48 hours.

It's OK. You get exhausted from all the emotion. YES, it's important to get out, be among people, not let yourself sink into depression.

But you don't always have to listen to the "shoulds"...

There are days when you don't have the energy to think, to feel, to process, to decide.
Those are the days when it's perfectly fine to treat yourself the way a good mother would treat you if you were sick. Rest, sleep, distract your mind with movies or the kind of books that take you into an entirely other reality.

Allow yourself to grieve. Allow yourself to take care of yourself. You deserve it.

hopeful4

It is all part of the grief process and that is ok. The good part is that it won't go on forever if you allow yourself to go through the stages you will move away from this bad place.

God Bless!

ladyscribbler

Hugs Flipped. Be kind to yourself this weekend. Rest your body and your mind. Do you have a journal? A daily page helps keep me from tying myself in knots. Get yourself a notebook with a cool cover and a pen with pretty ink (I'm partial to purple, myself) and let it rip.

blake1989

Amazing. This describes a lot of my life in the weeks since it ended. It's the pace I know is right, it's the pace that was revealed to me through grief. Almost daily Chinese deliveries, the occasional solo 'date' to chipotle as exposure therapy (dealing with the outside world and stimuli), and i'm surprised I haven't crashed the netflix servers with all my streaming of tv reruns. The weekends are really hard. A bit more flailing there. Working exercise back into the picture ever so slowly. Take it slow, Halo. We're here.

lillamy

I've understood listening to my Alanannies, as Hammer calls them, that a lot of us are overachievers. I think it's part of that control freak behavior that many of us codies see as "normal"... and we continue feeling like we have to Do. Something. Every. Moment. Of. Every. Day. in order to be able to find that feeling of accomplishment. Look at me. Look how good I am. Look how perfectly clean my house my kids my car are! I'm accomplished. I'm worth something.

It's taken me a lot of time, and a lot of input from my new husband, who walked the path of a harrowing divorce before I did, to allow myself to do what you say, Blake -- to listen to what I really need. And allow myself to take life at a pace that's healing for me.

honeypig

Flipped, consider looking for "Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses." I bought this book about a year ago but only began reading it in the last few months. It is about exactly what you're experiencing now--intense grief over the loss of someone we love to alcohol, the loss of the life we imagined and the dreams we held.

((((Hugs)))), Flipped. I'm so sorry for where you are right now and that you feel such pain, but nothing--NOTHING--lasts forever, and there is an end to this pain, too. You'll stand in the sunshine again, count on it. Meanwhile, grieve w/all your heart so you'll be free to love w/all your heart later.

LostMyWay1217

If you need someone to talk to, I am here. Experiencing the exact same thing you are right now. The difference is that AH is still living in our house telling me how much he wants me and our children, and how much he loves us. BUT, he is making no attempts to get any better. He works in Sales and spends the last four hours of his day at a random bar, drives home intoxicated, and proceeds to act ridiculous for the rest of the night. He continues to say "I am not drinking" even though I have friends who call me at least twice a week to tell me he is in a bar alone drinking. I can't even trust him to go pick up a pizza for dinner. I follow him to make sure he doesn't stop at the bar. He has on numerous occasions brought home pizza...two remaining slices of ice cold pizza...for our kids. It's ridiculous and we all know that we deserve a life better than the one we are currently living. I truly believe that it isn't, for me, so much that I am grieving the person he was, as I am grieving over my inability to love him into sobriety. I always believed that our love could overcome anything...until he became an alcoholic 10 years into our marriage. He has had a DUI, wrecked three cars, lost two jobs, went from a six-figure income to making half of what I make now, all because of this monster that has robbed our family of peace and happiness. I am just waiting on my attorney to get the papers completed. But I know that this is only to beginning of the grief. I'm here if you need to talk. Blessing to you. You will be in my prayers.

graceandbeauty0

I am sorry to hear about the intense pain you're feeling. Losing that person you once loved to alcohol is terrible. But you will get through this. It's ok to cry your eyes out, it's healthy to let those emotions out. Be kind to yourself. Even if they are doing bad you still hurt because we remember what they use to be and that's who we really end up missing. Keep taking care of you and it's the weekend so lay on the couch and enjoy some time to yourself.

HikerLady

Grieve my dear, let it happen as it happens. My heart goes out to you, grieving can be so gut wrenchingly painful, I know many of us here have gone through it or are going through it right by your side. You are loved, it will get better.

FlippedRHalo

Thanks Honeypig, I just ordered it from Amazon. I need to understand. That's another flaw, I can never just let things go, something inside of me always has to make sense of it.

FlippedRHalo

Me, in a nutshell.... right there. I can never just sit with myself. Ever. It feels awful and so I go, go and keep going even when my body is screaming to stop and rest. I'm an OCD clean freak, like, I literally can't function when my house feels messy, but I'm trying ever so hard to work on that.

I grew up in an alcoholic "museum" (as my friends liked to call it), where nothing was allowed to be out of place, everything was hospital grade sparkling clean and looked perfect. Keyword here is 'looked'. Beautiful on the outside and a treacherous, broken, messy disaster under the surface.

I need to learn to let things go for my own peace. Thanks for bringing this to my attention and helping me make some sense out of it lillamy.

FlippedRHalo

My now ex would be staggering and unable to walk - look me dead in my eyes and say "Babe, I swear I'm not drinking. Do I look like I've been drinking to you?".... WOW. Umm, seriously? Eventually he'd admit it, but just wow, that denial and deceit is strong.


I'm with you on the tremendous grief over my inability to love him into sobriety. It was my younger sister who so poignantly pointed out that I tried hard enough and needed to let him go because I couldn't love him through to the other side. Those words hit me like a ton of bricks to the chest, because I knew that was EXACTLY what I was trying to do. And at that point, refused to believe I couldn't. Now I know I can't. I don't like that realization, but face it I must. I wanted to so badly and I was so sure of myself that I could.

This is so hard. It's so painful. A substance is the most important thing in their lives - over their families, the people that love them and everything else. I just don't understand and have to accept that I probably never will. Not being able to rationalize and make sense of things is what kills me every time.

Ofelie

Your post hit me so hard this morning when I opened it up I sat there dumbfounded. Unable to respond and provide words of encouragement, because I, too, am feeling sick, exhausted, broken. Your post is EXACTLY how I feel, exactly how we were, all of it. I can't even process it...I had to think for a few hours about it because it hits so close to home, right into my heart which is so wounded. I don't have any answers, I dunno why we stay on the roller coaster, or why when we get off we still miss them. I have asked myself it a million times. People here keep telling me to stop asking why but I am a thinker, its who I am, and it is just not possible to blindly take something and say Okay, GREAT! and move forward. I NEED to understand it, and that is completely impossible. Its grieving, just as you said, because that person we love is dead, replaced by a monster. Yours and mine both refuse...REFUSE to admit/see/accept the things they are doing/have done and its nonsensical. I am not stuck on the couch, unable to move, I am going through the opposite. I am now afraid to stop moving, because every time I have sat still in the last day I have started thinking and remembering and I really do NOT want to think about it anymore. I want to crawl out of my skin and slink off into the dark and hide away, escape this new reality I CHOSE because I hate every second of it. I start these imaginary conversations in my head with him, the way people practice speeches in front of the mirror?...trying to reason with him, and each one stops abruptly, because nope, that way wouldn't work, those words would **** him off, nope, he would deny this, nope he left last time I said that, etc. I finally stopped because its fruitless to even think about it. No way am I going to say another word to him, I have SAID IT ALL, and while I was saying it all, none of it even made a damn difference. He didn't even acknowledge what I said when he was in front of me, why would he now? It was not much different than playing the convo out in my head, now that I think about it, because I got not response, nor do I now. It makes me want to go find him and shake him til his teeth rattle and scream SNAP OUT OF IT DAMMIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS! That would be pointless too.
Its frustrating, its HOPELESS. It feels hopeless. I feel helpless. I know in my heart and head that I am not hopeless, or helpless. I think I typed that backwards. I know it will pass, and it will get better...one day. I fully understand its only for now, etc, blah blah blah. But none of that helps, because again, it feels so damn WRONG, it IS unfair. I know, life isn't sposed to be fair. I know this, I am a grown up. Its unfair, and its not right, and its wrong, and everything feels broken, and backwards and upside down and inside out and the whole time I am sitting here, passing time, trying to wrap my mind around it so I can process it and move ahead, so I can begin to forge my way through the wilderness of my future life. I keep thinking, THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY. I want to kick and scream like those little kids who don't get their way in the toy aisle. I want to pound my fists on the ground and say NONONONONO until someone comes along and puts it all back to how I want it to be! I am not stupid, ok? I am very grounded in reality about this and I know that will not happen. But right now, I just want to wake up out of this nightmare. I don't want it to be real. I don't want to spend my whole future without him. Correction, wait, I do, I WILL spend my future without the monster, but I don't want to spend it without the old him that I fell in love with. Sadly, for me, and tragically for him, its the same person. And that makes it a dealbreaker. I CANNOT be with him. Ever again. Period. And that is torture to bear...right now. Tomorrow might feel better. It goes in waves. Right now, Halo, I want you to know that you aren't on that couch alone ok? I am sitting right next to you. HUGS.

FlippedRHalo

I'll respond as soon as I gather myself... Jesus, we are in the exact same place with this. You just wrote my exact thoughts and feelings so exactly that I read your post partly stunned. And then the last 2 sentences you wrote, they opened the dam, so I need to cry really hard right now and then I'll be back to reply. Thank you Ofelie, I feel you right there next to me. Just keep holding on, we're not going to drown. It feels like it though.

AnvilheadII

I'm with you on the tremendous grief over my inability to love him into sobriety

that WAS never and never WILL be your JOB on this planet. we are not here to fix others....we are here to get right with ourselves. live our own wonderful life. grow into the gifts we are given. while we devote ourselves to trying to recraft others, we are turning our back on the grace and beauty of the Universe, because we are not being all the best that WE can BE....

we get ONE life. ours. our chosen others? THEY are in charge of their life.

dandylion

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