It's ending.... I think. Right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
It's ending.... I think. Right now.
After the past 48 hours of just being numb and processing all that has happened with him and I, I think I just ended it.
He's been pretty awful this week. After everything he promised on Saturday, begging me not to ever leave him again, that he can't live without me, wants to get married, wants a baby, that he's a better person when we're together, etc...etc...etc..., he's slowly gone right back to the way it's always been between then and now.
I guess I'll never understand how he can say these things and then, like a light switch, just go back to treating me like I'm insignificant in his life. And of course, it's being turned around on me. I really have to wonder if he honestly just doesn't get it because he can't be this blind to what has been going on in our relationship, can he?
He's basically ignored me all week. An occasional text, but that's about it. Tonight we were supposed to go to the movies. I asked earlier if we were still going and got the response of "ok". I asked if anything was wrong and he said "nope". Well, don't sound so damn enthusiastic about it. I feel so unimportant in his life and I'm kind of finished with it. I know I don't deserve it. I treat him the way I'd like to be treated and I'm so very good to him. Too good. I really, truly don't deserve to constantly guess, minute by minute, of where I stand. I feel like my feelings don't matter, at all. Everything is according to what he wants, when he wants it and how he wants it. What I want isn't even an afterthought, it honestly just doesn't matter to him I guess. So, I cancelled the movies tonight.
He's trying to make me feel like I'm being ridiculous, but I don't think I am. I told him that nothing has changed and that his words and actions never match - and I'm tired of trying alone. His response was that he didn't understand how things weren't different because we weren't fighting like we used to. Umm. Yeah. Because you've trained me to keep my mouth shut and not to balk anymore when you do something wrong, hence, we don't fight.
I asked him if he really thinks he treats me the way he should. His response was: because I don't spend every day with you? I was with you all last weekend.
HUH? Can he honestly be that clueless or is this an act? I read that response with my mouth wide open.
I then responded with: If you can't figure it out by now, there isn't any sense in trying to explain it.
Usually, at that point, I'd get extremely emotional & upset and we'd fight. I wasn't emotional, I'm still not emotional and I just feel beat down and exhausted. There's no sense in explaining it to him anymore. Either he doesn't get it or just doesn't want to get it, but I'm tired of fighting and begging for what he should willingly want to give me as the person he is SOOO in love with, wants to marry and have a family with.
I mean I shouldn't have to explain that, right? Sometimes it seems like it takes all he has to just be decent to me. And, of course, I should be so grateful that he's being decent and not emotionally beating the life out of me. How dare I not see how "hard" he's trying. Whatever. I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of following his training and sucking it all up. I'm tired of being emotionally beat to a pulp by the man that is supposed to love and protect me.
This isn't love. It's not. I don't want to play along any more. I don't want to feel like his project that he's working on because he has to one minute and like the woman he loves more than anything in life the next... all according to how much alcohol he's consumed.
I'm tired of feeling like I come last. He comes first, his alcohol comes first and I come in dead last. This just isn't the way it's supposed to be.
After a few more texts of him trying to make me feel like I'm completely over reacting, I told him that I don't want to deal with this right now, I'm sorry and he said "FINE".
Not sure what happens now. I'm honestly just so numb to it all and have been since yesterday. I'm comfortable with the numbness. I can deal with numb. It was like something inside of me just switched off. I don't think I'm even upset right now and that kind of scares me. How can I not be? I feel nothing except emotionally exhausted by it all. It's an exhausting, all consuming, painful, alcoholic merry-go-round ride that I'm sick & tired of playing on.
You don't treat other human beings the way I've been treated and be ok with yourself. That's just all sorts of wrong.
I loved him with all I had. I gave him more than I had to give. I left little for myself, my feelings and what I wanted out of a relationship. I still don't know how to love me, but I'm a bit tired of wasting what I do have on someone who so obviously doesn't appreciate it.
He had his chances, so many more than any one human deserves. He had me willing to stand by his side through anything, and I did, so many times, even when he was wrong. I'd drop anything at any moment to run for him, to him. I nearly screwed up in school because I was so consumed with making him happy.
He pushed me away. He pushed and pushed and pushed and I think this time he just pushed a little too hard.
I don't know where to go now? What is my next move? I don't know what to expect next. I'm sure my responses, completely lacking in emotion, and my unwillingness to argue, have him a bit befuddled right now and I'll probably hear from him tonight when he has a few in him and I don't know how to handle that. I'm not sure if those texts meant we're done, but I think that is how I came across. I don't have the energy to do anything more. Do I owe him an explanation about what is going on or do I just leave it where it is and not discuss anything else? I don't want to be cruel, but he always wears me down when we talk because he just won't stop until he does.
I don't want this anymore. I don't even feel like I know if I love him anymore at this point. I don't know how I feel, I feel nothing. I just know that he's abused me enough and I can't take anymore.
He's been pretty awful this week. After everything he promised on Saturday, begging me not to ever leave him again, that he can't live without me, wants to get married, wants a baby, that he's a better person when we're together, etc...etc...etc..., he's slowly gone right back to the way it's always been between then and now.
I guess I'll never understand how he can say these things and then, like a light switch, just go back to treating me like I'm insignificant in his life. And of course, it's being turned around on me. I really have to wonder if he honestly just doesn't get it because he can't be this blind to what has been going on in our relationship, can he?
He's basically ignored me all week. An occasional text, but that's about it. Tonight we were supposed to go to the movies. I asked earlier if we were still going and got the response of "ok". I asked if anything was wrong and he said "nope". Well, don't sound so damn enthusiastic about it. I feel so unimportant in his life and I'm kind of finished with it. I know I don't deserve it. I treat him the way I'd like to be treated and I'm so very good to him. Too good. I really, truly don't deserve to constantly guess, minute by minute, of where I stand. I feel like my feelings don't matter, at all. Everything is according to what he wants, when he wants it and how he wants it. What I want isn't even an afterthought, it honestly just doesn't matter to him I guess. So, I cancelled the movies tonight.
He's trying to make me feel like I'm being ridiculous, but I don't think I am. I told him that nothing has changed and that his words and actions never match - and I'm tired of trying alone. His response was that he didn't understand how things weren't different because we weren't fighting like we used to. Umm. Yeah. Because you've trained me to keep my mouth shut and not to balk anymore when you do something wrong, hence, we don't fight.
I asked him if he really thinks he treats me the way he should. His response was: because I don't spend every day with you? I was with you all last weekend.
HUH? Can he honestly be that clueless or is this an act? I read that response with my mouth wide open.
I then responded with: If you can't figure it out by now, there isn't any sense in trying to explain it.
Usually, at that point, I'd get extremely emotional & upset and we'd fight. I wasn't emotional, I'm still not emotional and I just feel beat down and exhausted. There's no sense in explaining it to him anymore. Either he doesn't get it or just doesn't want to get it, but I'm tired of fighting and begging for what he should willingly want to give me as the person he is SOOO in love with, wants to marry and have a family with.
I mean I shouldn't have to explain that, right? Sometimes it seems like it takes all he has to just be decent to me. And, of course, I should be so grateful that he's being decent and not emotionally beating the life out of me. How dare I not see how "hard" he's trying. Whatever. I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of following his training and sucking it all up. I'm tired of being emotionally beat to a pulp by the man that is supposed to love and protect me.
This isn't love. It's not. I don't want to play along any more. I don't want to feel like his project that he's working on because he has to one minute and like the woman he loves more than anything in life the next... all according to how much alcohol he's consumed.
I'm tired of feeling like I come last. He comes first, his alcohol comes first and I come in dead last. This just isn't the way it's supposed to be.
After a few more texts of him trying to make me feel like I'm completely over reacting, I told him that I don't want to deal with this right now, I'm sorry and he said "FINE".
Not sure what happens now. I'm honestly just so numb to it all and have been since yesterday. I'm comfortable with the numbness. I can deal with numb. It was like something inside of me just switched off. I don't think I'm even upset right now and that kind of scares me. How can I not be? I feel nothing except emotionally exhausted by it all. It's an exhausting, all consuming, painful, alcoholic merry-go-round ride that I'm sick & tired of playing on.
You don't treat other human beings the way I've been treated and be ok with yourself. That's just all sorts of wrong.
I loved him with all I had. I gave him more than I had to give. I left little for myself, my feelings and what I wanted out of a relationship. I still don't know how to love me, but I'm a bit tired of wasting what I do have on someone who so obviously doesn't appreciate it.
He had his chances, so many more than any one human deserves. He had me willing to stand by his side through anything, and I did, so many times, even when he was wrong. I'd drop anything at any moment to run for him, to him. I nearly screwed up in school because I was so consumed with making him happy.
He pushed me away. He pushed and pushed and pushed and I think this time he just pushed a little too hard.
I don't know where to go now? What is my next move? I don't know what to expect next. I'm sure my responses, completely lacking in emotion, and my unwillingness to argue, have him a bit befuddled right now and I'll probably hear from him tonight when he has a few in him and I don't know how to handle that. I'm not sure if those texts meant we're done, but I think that is how I came across. I don't have the energy to do anything more. Do I owe him an explanation about what is going on or do I just leave it where it is and not discuss anything else? I don't want to be cruel, but he always wears me down when we talk because he just won't stop until he does.
I don't want this anymore. I don't even feel like I know if I love him anymore at this point. I don't know how I feel, I feel nothing. I just know that he's abused me enough and I can't take anymore.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 209
"This isn't love"
You are so right.
I remember when his mom told me he wasn't capable of love, and to go find someone who is. She even said his love for her and his dad was obligatory love.
I can't imagine feeling like that about my child....Sad.
You are so right.
I remember when his mom told me he wasn't capable of love, and to go find someone who is. She even said his love for her and his dad was obligatory love.
I can't imagine feeling like that about my child....Sad.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 94
Halo - know exactly how that feels, and once you've felt it and said it, the only way is UP! Did you talk to your friends and family about what your private life was like? I finally found the courage to stop lying and pretending to them, and the support has been beyond my dreams. Out of there and up! I'm only recently left, and still having stresses, but take today for example, I got home from work, lay on the couch and watched a movie for a whole two hours un-interrupted! Just because I felt like it! It's these little things that remind us just what contentment can feel like.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I'm sorry you're going through this, but sounds like you've come to an acceptance about the reality of the relationship. You can now make decisions that are healthy for you. I understand the sheer exhaustion when you're the one always trying to make it work. And I understand feeling like you don't matter.
If you need a mental break right now, take one. Just because he may text or call you this evening, doesn't mean you have to respond this evening. It's okay to not take the text or call, you can communicate when you're ready. Do what is best for you.
If you need a mental break right now, take one. Just because he may text or call you this evening, doesn't mean you have to respond this evening. It's okay to not take the text or call, you can communicate when you're ready. Do what is best for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
I am so sorry. The reality is he is not going to put you or your needs before his. Please do not procreate with this man. You deserve better than this.
God Bless.
God Bless.
No worries, I would never, ever have a child with him. EVER. I've lived that kind of life as a child and I would die before I'd ever allow one of my babies to suffer through that kind of hell.
The suffering, I hope, ends here with me, at least for my children. Apparently I'm going to have to be the one to end this cycle that is so deeply engrained in the lovely family I was born into.
Meh, I'm always up for a good challenge. Especially one that will make life better for those to come after me.
I lost that part of me for the past 1+ year, but I feel her hiding in there somewhere getting ready to break back out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
My heart is right there with you, and huge hugs to you while you go through this. You don't owe anybody anything, explanation, etc right now. Matter of fact, since you think his text is gonna come, and try to suck you back in to the chaos how about you just shut the phone off? I have found this to be a very powerful tool. Silly us, we forget we have the choice to shut out the world while we take time to get our head straight. If you don't think you can deal with his crap tonight, then don't. Set his calls to go straight to voicemail, whatever works. Personally, I found that turning it off rather than on silent, etc, gives me a sense of freedom because it doesn't light up, it doesn't flash or anything at all. From past experience, my family and friends will freak if I don't respond (heart condition) so I always tell them...I AM SHUTTING OFF THE PHONE for a while. If yours won't worry, then don't bother with that. No need to rush and make any sort of move right now, either. Take a little time just to breathe. Decisions can come a bit later, when things are less raw.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
If you don't feel like talking or hearing from him, shut off your phone. Seriously, shut it off and leave it till morning. It helps. Maybe watch a funny movie you've been wanting to see. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.
Much love and hugs to you.
Much love and hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
I'm so sorry Halo.
I would not give too much brain power to his calculating/understanding side in terms of 'getting it', I dunno...there is nothing for him to 'get' in his current world, so don't take it too personally. For some reason I figured this out earlier with my ex before she was my ex, probably because of here and Al Anon. One time she strung me along for 12 hours all day long 'deciding' whether she had the 'energy' to come visit me. She called me drunk and said how we're different - that if I am supposed to be somewhere at 2pm, I'm there at 1:50. She said "I just go by my feelings."
There is an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where a character's annoying brother comes to live with her and her husband in New York city. They want him to go home. He says his parents had asked him when he's coming home and his response is "I'll see you when I see you. New York is my lady." My point is, the bottle is his lady. I was only one of two significant others. Only problem is, I don't want an open relationship lol.
I don't think I've seen the word 'giggle' in any of your posts to date. And while you are numb and exhausted and sad beyond words, that made my day to see you type it.
I could have written so so much of what you wrote. We gave it our all. But the piece I am interested in, the piece I have to be interested in, is the other part you said - "I left little for myself."
I'll tell you one possible next move that the wonderful people here clued me in on. No move. Sit with it and give yourself some peace, numb peace, any kind of peace.
I would not give too much brain power to his calculating/understanding side in terms of 'getting it', I dunno...there is nothing for him to 'get' in his current world, so don't take it too personally. For some reason I figured this out earlier with my ex before she was my ex, probably because of here and Al Anon. One time she strung me along for 12 hours all day long 'deciding' whether she had the 'energy' to come visit me. She called me drunk and said how we're different - that if I am supposed to be somewhere at 2pm, I'm there at 1:50. She said "I just go by my feelings."
There is an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where a character's annoying brother comes to live with her and her husband in New York city. They want him to go home. He says his parents had asked him when he's coming home and his response is "I'll see you when I see you. New York is my lady." My point is, the bottle is his lady. I was only one of two significant others. Only problem is, I don't want an open relationship lol.
I don't think I've seen the word 'giggle' in any of your posts to date. And while you are numb and exhausted and sad beyond words, that made my day to see you type it.
I could have written so so much of what you wrote. We gave it our all. But the piece I am interested in, the piece I have to be interested in, is the other part you said - "I left little for myself."
I'll tell you one possible next move that the wonderful people here clued me in on. No move. Sit with it and give yourself some peace, numb peace, any kind of peace.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
One time she strung me along for 12 hours all day long 'deciding' whether she had the 'energy' to come visit me. She called me drunk and said how we're different - that if I am supposed to be somewhere at 2pm, I'm there at 1:50. She said "I just go by my feelings."
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by blake1989
not to derail Halo's thread, but yes, she's quite well employed. She is a registered nurse at an inpatient rehab facility detoxing alcoholics.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
Originally Posted by choublak
How does she get to work on time if she just "goes by her feelings"?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
Just got the 7pm - "I'm sorry, I don't want to fight" text.
So generic, so ordinary, so predictable.
He can't even put the effort into a damn text. Not that it matters anymore, but really, I'm seeing how he puts no effort into anything concerning us. I'm sorry, I don't want to fight just doesn't cut it anymore.
I didn't respond and don't plan on it. I would turn it off, but my teenage son is out with his car and I don't feel comfortable turning it off.
I'm right by not explaining, right? I mean, at this point, he has to know what the problem is, doesn't he? He can't truly be that clueless, can he? We've gone over it soooo many times already, I just can't continue explaining, it feels so... useless.
Is it wrong of me to be upset over the fact that we can never make a plan, never do anything worthwhile together and that I never know what's going on usually until right before it's happening? Do I have the right to be upset that I get one or two generic texts a day, like their obligatory texts and nothing more? Do I have the right to be upset that I've been begging for us to do something fun together on a weekend for months and months and we don't, yet he goes away for the weekend and doesn't tell me a thing until just before he leaves?
Am I being bitchy or is that just basic consideration when you're together in a relationship?
Meanwhile, I was screamed at, accused of sleeping with people and left crying in a bathroom for just going to hang out with friends for Super Bowl since he already had plans, that *shocker* didn't include me. And this type of thing always happened with us. He can do whatever and I have no say. I can do nothing or face the wrath. Fair.
Apparently the rules are very different for him than they were for me.
So generic, so ordinary, so predictable.
He can't even put the effort into a damn text. Not that it matters anymore, but really, I'm seeing how he puts no effort into anything concerning us. I'm sorry, I don't want to fight just doesn't cut it anymore.
I didn't respond and don't plan on it. I would turn it off, but my teenage son is out with his car and I don't feel comfortable turning it off.
I'm right by not explaining, right? I mean, at this point, he has to know what the problem is, doesn't he? He can't truly be that clueless, can he? We've gone over it soooo many times already, I just can't continue explaining, it feels so... useless.
Is it wrong of me to be upset over the fact that we can never make a plan, never do anything worthwhile together and that I never know what's going on usually until right before it's happening? Do I have the right to be upset that I get one or two generic texts a day, like their obligatory texts and nothing more? Do I have the right to be upset that I've been begging for us to do something fun together on a weekend for months and months and we don't, yet he goes away for the weekend and doesn't tell me a thing until just before he leaves?
Am I being bitchy or is that just basic consideration when you're together in a relationship?
Meanwhile, I was screamed at, accused of sleeping with people and left crying in a bathroom for just going to hang out with friends for Super Bowl since he already had plans, that *shocker* didn't include me. And this type of thing always happened with us. He can do whatever and I have no say. I can do nothing or face the wrath. Fair.
Apparently the rules are very different for him than they were for me.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
What Addicts Do
Hello Halo, I'm so very sorry you are in such pain. You do deserve better treatment...but the sad truth is that you will not get it from an active alcoholic. I share this post with you which is a brutally honest statement about addiction and alcoholism. Jon was one of the founders of this community. You asked why...
Originally Posted by Jon
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
The rules are very different. Kind of think there are no rules when the drink comes into the picture.
You have all those basic rights and so many more. So many more. Your brain is just surprised you have them. I understand these things you are saying. I'm still learning. You are not alone.
You have all those basic rights and so many more. So many more. Your brain is just surprised you have them. I understand these things you are saying. I'm still learning. You are not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
Originally Posted by blake1989
I don't want to analyze the alcoholic brain, because I can't. I just see hints and glimmers. But (this is for you too Halo), I observed an amazing capacity to prioritize and schedule. She is one of the most organized, meticulous people I know. No need to even guess what it's organized around.
How the heck is it possible?
And PS Blake - two of the very worst addicts/alcoholics I've know are:
1. a licensed clinical social worker at an inpatient rehab facility.
2. a registered nurse who works in the psych unit.
Kind of frightening, huh?
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
FRH.....
Turn your phone off and do something YOU want to do tonight. Do not engage him, don't fight with him, don't even acknowledge him. Sounds like it might be more fun to go to the movie's ALONE than with him.
I hope you have a WONDERFUL evening.
Turn your phone off and do something YOU want to do tonight. Do not engage him, don't fight with him, don't even acknowledge him. Sounds like it might be more fun to go to the movie's ALONE than with him.
I hope you have a WONDERFUL evening.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
