Brindie

So four weeks on from leaving AH, now settled in new home and enjoying the awesome peace and quiet on the days when his craziness doesn't come crashing in - texts, e-mails, voicemails. I have finally barred his number after three calls to the police - concerned about his deteriorating mental health. He hit rock bottom pretty quickly, attended outpatient appointment, started home detox, went four days without a drink but couldn't cope with prospect of me not coming home and ended up in the local psychiatric hospital. So sad, angry, pleading and back again ... we have been through the whole cycle at least twice. Nothing new I guess to you folks here. Here's where I need some wisdom ..... In his angry, pre-detox phase, he created an online stock/bond trading account (we have some but they are in my name only) and sold what he believed to be my portion. I only found out when the cheque arrived in the post. I called the company who investigated and confirmed an online transaction by someone posing as me. They have put a block on the account until the matter of my identity is fully confirmed (need to send passport and marriage certificate and change address and provide me with security). Also important to note that these form part of our 'matrimonial property' and therefore future financial settlement, likely to split in half. He's the one with the assets in the marriage, btw. Following so far? So he's in hospital a few days later and I speak to the nurse and suggest he has funds so a good private in-patient rehab clinic. Discussed with doctor, he agrees and has self-referred with a place next Thursday. All good! He e-mails me today asking me to sell the remaining shares to fund the rehab and contribute the cheque I already received.... Fact! I tell him we have no access to the account right now till (the mess he's created) it has been sorted out, and point him in the direction of his big savings account or other options. E-mails straight back to say he's not going, money given to daughter for her wedding and honeymoon and can't access savings (duh?). So in two hours from super-motivated and 'my only chance' to 'not going, no money unless you sell the shares'. Am I missing something here? Even if I could fix the share account to raise the cash tomorrow (around $25,000!), where is the logic here? Yes, I guess I know the answer to that question already, but looking for anyone out there with previous experience ... please.

JustAGirl1971

No previous experience with this. Just wondering though: Have you checked all of the accounts recently to make sure the money's still there? My sister's AH frequently spends thousands/tens of thousands of $$ without her consent or knowledge due to his impulsiveness. She'll think they have a set amount, only to find out he's spent it.

Brindie

We have no joint accounts thank goodness. Kept all that separate throughout, and for the past year or two I have pretty much kept the household going with little input from him. So you're right, he can spend whatever he wants and I have no part in that. This one share account is the only thing in my name that I have any control over.

Mango blast

It sounds like his funds are gone or seriously depleted. Does he have insurance that would pay for rehab elsewhere? Digging in his heels is likely the alky brain looking for a way out of rehab and somewhere to lay blame to that.

Brindie

Thanks Faith. Two things - it never occurred to me that his funds could have gone just like that, he is such a miser usually. I figured they were in some high interest savings account with penalties for cashing in immediately. Possibility though, that he has put them beyond my reach when I left as a punishment. He's threatened this before when things were rough. If they're there or not there though, any advice on whether I should move to cash in and pay up (and say goodbye to any share in future - I'm near retirement age, btw) or sit tight and let him find the solution?

JustAGirl1971

I'd let him find another way. Unless he's asking you to split the account now? Cash in his 1/2 to use for rehab and give you total control over the balance?

Mango blast

Don't cash in your share! Take care of yourself first. Whether he spent it or has it squirreled away and doesn't want to pay for this, there are other options for him that don't cost $25k. I didn't even know about Salvation Army rehab until a thread with that recently. The Salvation Army - Adult Rehabilitation

It sounds like it's not possible to access that account right now? Probably a very good thing.

Good and bad rehabs are available in all price ranges. My husband had the choice of a couple good ones that were $9k and $12k, with the more expensive one being closer to us (5-6 hrs away vs double that). The day before he went in he was looking for any excuse not to go. He brought up the payment for it a couple times, saying if insurance didn't cover it then he wasn't going. It was pre-approved, but he also couldn't use that as a scapegoat since his boss already said he'd pay for it if the insurance didn't.

hopeful4

If you cash in anything of yours you will regret it later...promise.

Hospitals have social workers and doctors who can refer you to programs. Those said programs will work out a payment plan with HIM.

Let Go and Let God...and protect your own assets while you are at it.

lillamy

I would report him to the police. He posed as you online, he sold property that did not belong to him. He's a criminal.

Mango blast

That's actually a really good idea. Not to punish him so much as to empower and protect yourself.

Praying

I'd report him as well, as it could help protect your assets down the road. And depending on your state, splitting anything now could hurt you.

One other thing- I've seen a lot of A's hide money. Lots of it. This could be his way of getting more out of you and saving his own, or of blaming you for him not going. His problem, his solution. I wouldn't touch it with a stick!

Hugs!

Ifnotforgrace

His recovery or lack thereof is His own affair. If he has been in a psy facility he should be physically detoxed and AA is free of charge. I would not cash in anything nor loose a moments sleep over the problems of a man I was divorcing. I would only be concerned with protecting my share of any assets from levy by hospitals or fraud as you have already experienced.

atalose

What does your attorney advise you do? You left 4 weeks ago, in a new home and starting your new life. What was your legal plan? separated? divorce?

Charmed3

Brindie - My situation right now though not the same is similar to your. I left and immediately contacted an attorney and filed LS papers. He continued drinking, didn't respond (in hopes it would all go away) and several weeks ago I finalized papers without him because he was in default.

Last week, went in to detox and then in to treatment. His entire family are A's and so he has no one trustworthy or dependable to take care of the house, animals or bills while he is in which could be up to 90 days. My name is on the house still and I love the animals so I have vested interest in accommodating his need for help. I was also clear with him that I am not "moving back" and that his recovery is his responsibility. This is a one time deal and when he is out of treatment I go back to the nice life I am rebuilding.

I called my attorney who said he needs to write a letter giving me permission to be in the house and my attorney drew up a special power of attorney to be notarized (both done) that allows me to open his mail, log on to the bank account (which still has my name on it) and pay bills on his behalf. The attorney was VERY clear that I need to document everything and not pay anything other than his medical or household bills unless he signs off on it.

Please protect yourself legally by calling an attorney. Though he has detoxed, he IS and always will be an alcoholic. If he returns to drinking he will turn on you without remorse, make accusations and try to make it look like you took advantage of him. If he is serious he will sign legal documents that protect you! If he refuses, then he isn't serious and you should let him take care of his own financial problems.

Timeflies1977

Simply put, you need a lawyer asap to protect any assets that you may be entitled to and to protect you from any debt that he may incur in the future. Wishing you both better days but you MUST protect yourself.

AnvilheadII

triple the vote to contact your attorney NOW and do not liquidate ANY funds towards whatever you AH thinks he's gonna do. it sounds like he created a HUGE financial mess and is trying to cover....i agree that he should be reported for impersonating you and virtually stealing from the marital assets.