How to approach?
 

This may get long so please hang in there!

My husband stopped drinking about 12 years ago. He was doing super well and our son has no memories of him drinking. Well....at Thanksgiving time, roughly, he asked me how mad would I be if he had a couple of drinks to "unwind" that weekend.

I know how I have reacted in the past so I stated simply, I am not your mom, I will not tell you that you can or cannot have some. He's a grown man and needs to make his own decisions on that but I'm not clear why after 12 years he feels the needs to drink. So he made the choice to drink that night (hiding it and his bottle from our son).

As you can probably guess, his drinking has progressively gotten worse. He's about 1/2 bottle a night but I may be wrong on that.

I've been very proud of how I have handled the situation, I haven't nagged, I haven't said a word or anything about it. He knows how I feel and why I feel that way.

However, he didn't go to work today and my guess is either he had too much last night or he is drinking now. I'm pretty sure he doesn't realize I know how much he has been using again and he thinks our son is clueless. He continues to hide his bottles and pour it into his pop bottles.

I guess I'm at a point where I need to say something to him...but I'm not sure what or how. That is the help I need. How do I approach this and I don't want to be the one who is his excuse as I've been using my steps to help myself but I do need to give him my boundaries and I need to make sure he knows I'm aware of it and not in agreement. I don't mean that the wrong way, I don't want to nag, I'm not going to give permission or tell him not to. I just want him to know that I'm concerned it's getting out of hand and what my boundaries are.

He's not an easy person to talk to about anything and he likes to just turn his head the other way about any problem and I'd really like to get my feelings and thoughts out without it being some huge fight.

The reality is, he's going to do what he's going to do but at the same time, I feel like it's time to at least let him know what my feelings are.....not even sure that is the right approach but I do feel like something needs to be said.

Thanks in advance!

Well... that stinks. Any which way you view it.

So... let me ask you this: When he quit drinking -- did he have the help of any program? Did you have the help of any program?

It seems to me a lot of recovering alcoholics for some reason get to that point where they think they're "over it" and can handle moderate drinking. And then *poof* they're right back in that hell that is active alcoholism.

I guess for me, I think before saying anything to him, I would want to sort things through in my own head. What does it mean to you if he continues actively drinking, as an alcoholic? What can you expect living with an active alcoholic? Is that a life you want for yourself, for your son? If not, what are your options?

((spedteach))

Hate so much you & your son are living in this ~ it must be very heartbreaking and difficult.

Only you will know when or how to approach your AH on this topic but a suggestion would be for you to take time to gather your thoughts, your boundaries and what you are sure you want to do if those boundaries aren't honored. . .
just a few examples. . .
_____ it is not healthy for our home life to have this much active drinking going on, do you think it is something that could be discussed and possibly changed?
or
I believe the drinking has reached an unhealthy level for everyone in our home. So here are a few things I think are in the best interest for me and our son to do to keep us healthy:

and then maybe let him know what actions you have decided is best for you & your son.

From my experience, I have benefited from journaling this information out, discussing it with my sponsor & my HP - seeking strength, guidance and wisdom to be able do this in a calm and peace manner.

Deep Breaths & PINK HUGS!

WHY do alcoholics seem to ALWAYS do this? Like they need permission or something?

Well I like to think it is the same idea depressed people feel better on their antidepressants and come off them bc they are over it....

I'm not talking about the action of drinking again, I'm talking about the ASKING someone else if it's okay. Like they bring it up to try and TEST the other person, to see their reaction. And in the end it makes no difference, because they were planning on drinking again all along.

Yeah, and it's one of those questions where there's no right answer, because whatever you say is going to be used as their license to drink.
If you say "no" you're a controlling nag who's driving them to drink, because they're an adult and can do whatever they want. If you say "it's up to you, you're an adult" they hear "yes, what a wonderful idea, please make sure you projectile vomit on the computer keyboard before you come to bed."
As for "the talk", I have no real suggestions. I made a boundary of not living with active alcoholism, so I no longer live with active alcoholism. But mine was never sober or working a program. With a relapse after so long, does he have an AA sponsor or someone you could talk to about this?

This would seriously **** me off. I'd be dropping F Bombs with my boundary just so I could be sure I was not stuffing my feelings. Because I am Codie and have a hard time expressing myself. Ha ha ha!

I guess first thing is need to speak with him when sober. "Honey, how do you see your drinking?" Then just dropping F bombs when the quacking starts.

Ugh so sorry.

I've lived through this once with our older kids and it skewed their viewpoint and mine. I'm recovering, but they haven't started yet. A couple of them are now using alcohol as a crutch also. Our daughter swore for years that she wouldn't drink (having lived with a drunk in the house), but now she does (possibly to deal with anxiety) and her husband (also from an alcoholic family) thinks it's healthy for him to have a couple drinks every night. Alcoholic genetics and environment both at work. Several red flags other than that, but I have to let them take their own paths. I truly am powerless over alcohol and other people's lives.

If my husband were to relapse I would give him an option of going to rehab. If he didn't, I'd let his sponsor and former rehab counselor know so they could deal with him.

Then I'd pack up myself and our youngest son and leave. He's 7, but I would do that even with a teenager. I finally understand our kids pay attention to our actions, not our words. All the years I stayed with an active alcoholic because I love him, I was showing our kids by my inaction and not changing my world and theirs that it was okay. I can't change my husband if he were to chose to drink and not seek help, but I can chose how I react to it. Actions do speak louder than words. His actions and mine.

I'm very sorry you're going this this. ((((hugs))))

Have either of you worked an active recovery program? Regardless of what happens, Alateen or Celebrate Recovery would be good places for your son to get help in dealing with this. It effects all of us in ways we don't see.

Well thanks for the responses. Yes I wonder why he asks me what I think when he already had the bottle and made his mind up!! Hell yes I mind but I used to nag, scream, yell and do all sorts of codependent things I am not allowing myself to ever do again!

I get home and have to go get taxes done and asked if he wanted to go. He said no. And then while I am getting them done, I got an interesting text from him saying he's sorry I don't understand him but he's very overwhelmed and has no one to talk to. I simply texted back I am sorry he feels that he has no one to talk to. I love him and am always willing to listen but at this point all I can do is wait for him to decide he wants to talk. I also nicely said I also need someone to talk to and listen. His response was that trust has been broken. Insert explanation here so you know what that means: 15-16 years ago, we were young and his drinking was out of control. I did the only thing I could think of: called his parents and asked for help. And his brothers. Not out of spite, anger or anything else but I was scared. Well, he has never gotten over that. His problem, not mine. I believe had the roles been reverse he would have done the same thing. My response to his comment was along the lines of so you are holding something over my head from over 15 years ago and are unwilling to try again? Seems unfair to me that I will never be trusted again. And I left it at that. His response was I don't know. I have left it alone mainly as I am not starting something in front of my son.

As for my boundaries and what I will deal with I have thought about it. Basically, I am not ready to offer an ultimatum to him yet. I work full time and a part time job so I can more than support myself and son. However, boundaries I have already been using: won't buy for him, won't clean up any messes, am not hiding it from friends who may ask, am not sitting with him when he's using, don't get into verbal arguments, treat him as I always do when he doesn't use. Son not allowed to get in car with him but now, he hasn't been driving. If he does drive and is arrested, will not post bail. Will not lie to our son. That's a start oh and will do things planned with or without him.

Buying my time to speak but that's because he needs to not be drinking and our son needs to not be home. I do not want him here if it turns ugly and we fight.