lillamy

I think this is an encouraging post. At least that's what I intend for it to be. Even though the timeline may not seem very encouraging, please remember that it's my timeline and no two people are ever alike, in recovery or anything else.

It's been eight years since I first posted here, and since I started going to Al-Anon meetings and working the program. It's been four years since I left my qualifier. I am going through the steps for the second time, and it's a bit like re-reading a book you were forced to read in high school. I'm much more thorough. I have a different understanding. I'm less hard on myself (Step 4) and yet understanding my part in the alcoholic not-so-merry-go-round in a deeper and more fundamental way.

You've seen me post the same thing over the years. The post goes "Dammit, I guess I'm going to have to work on this recovery thing for the rest of my life, huh?"

And all of a sudden, something clicked. That pit in my stomach that I've woken up with most days for the past eight years is gone.

It wasn't something earth shattering that happened. It wasn't some big huge eureka moment or insight. It was more like I sat down with that jigsaw puzzle that is my life and all of a sudden I could see where the missing pieces fit. Or, another metaphor, it's a bit like when kids learn to ride a bike: They can't do it, they can't do it, they can't do it, and then all of a sudden they're biking!

I can look back and see the good times in my alcoholic marriage without being afraid to get sucked back into codependency.
I can think of AXH with, yes, actually, love and compassion. I don't expect to ever see him again, and that's fine. I wish him well. I keep praying for him.
I don't feel guilt and responsibility for him. I respect him as his own person. Responsible for his own choices and decisions.

I don't expect the rest of my life to be lived in this almost divine sense of peace and serenity. I do expect recovery to be a lifelong process. But I feel like I've reached a new level of understanding and recovery. I feel like I'm not starting "in the red" but on level ground.

And I am so very grateful for that. And for all that I've learned during this process. And I wanted to share it with you because you've been a big part of it. Thank you for all that you have taught me.

theuncertainty

for your support and this great post!

MsPINKAcres

((lillamy))

I remember some of your struggles and I also remember how comforting you have been to me when I have gone through mine ~

It's not that we have "made it" but we have reached that place that we finally understand ~ no matter what we will be ok ~

Thanks so much for sharing this journey with me!!!

BIG BIG PINK HUGS!

hopeful4

Great post!!! Hugs!

cgfox

Thank you for sharing your post with us. I hope I will be able to be this serene at some point (soon would be nice) in my life.