Hammer

Fully Understand THAT, too.

The timelines have very twisted perspectives in the realm between Zombies and Recovering A. Like AlcoholicLove noted, some just go to severe Dry Drunk and never really make it back.

There is no telling how long that "couple of days or day" away your A guy thinks/feels he was gone. Could be minutes, could be months. The (R?)A's do not seem to process time in a linear fashion. There was an interesting thread on here (FFA) by a 10 month recovering A, who is working his Program. He could not figure out why his wife was not "all better" with him after he had been 10 years of Drunk. Real deal was -- 10 good months do not cancel out 10 bad years. A Real Order of Magnitude, there. On his wife's side she was not working any Program -- so time had not moved for her, at all.

For our house, now at about 14 months back from Rehab, the kids are no longer scared of her. THAT is a Major Good. They understand she is not always quite right, but they do not sort of "fear" her, like they did. She still has some crazy made-up stuff episodes with me from time-to-time, but I shut those down pretty quick. And the bedroom ranges from her rolled up and sleeping in a little ball most nights to f-me-now! about like your "other morning," I suppose. And not much between.

dunno. Would not have signed up for this. But "All Things Work Together For Good" . . . you know the rest, right? About all you - Katchie, and me, and anybody/everybody else here can do is:

Work Our Side,
Take Care of the Kids, and
Let God handle the rest.

As near as I can tell -- you are doing all that. So. Continue to March.

Katchie

That comment struck a chord with me. When AH called me wanting to come home he said it was because he missed us sooooo much. I was thinking to myself that he sounded as if he had been gone for weeks. Surely he wasn't processing his one day as more? That is just crazy, but I thought his comment was crazy unbelievable anyway.

So, he comes home around 10pm after ball practice and acts as though he never missed a beat and all is as it was. Wake this morning and do my regular routine with the kids, come home and he treats me as if everything has always been hunky-dory. Its just so weird and pretend like. He cannot be thinking all is normal? Maybe this is his wishful hopeful thinking in action..dunno.

amy55

Mine used to do that also. It's like nothing ever happened. All was just fine. I questioned this and someone told me it is "splicing". Like they do in movies. You just cut the scene out. It didn't happen, didn't exist.

lizatola

My AH will act this way after a few days of acting like a hermit and shutting us out, or after he's been traveling and I've hung up on him for calling me when he's drunk, etc. Just like nothing ever happened. I believe it's part of their denial. My AH thinks, "I'll just act normal and then we can all get back to life just as it was before. They'll never know as long as I don't talk about it, right?" I also believe that my AH believes that I live in the same reality as he does so therefore, all is well. Just ask him.

Time will tell, Katchie. One thing I've learned is: it's hard to lose an alcoholic and as long as you keep taking them back, they will continue to push you and cross boundaries unless they are working a recovery program.

Fandy

I would check the bank accounts and the credit card statements on line. They will show all the transactions

Katchie

I have and will continue to daily. Thanks!

JustAGirl1971

Mine use to do that, too. It was always either pretend everything is just totally normal and wonderful (ignore the dysfunction), or refuse to play the game and get froze out. It's like a wild roller coaster ride through the arctic into hell and back again, only you're blindfolded so you never know when you need to shed layers or pile them on.

I'm sorry, Katchie. I hope your AH ends up with a really tough sponsor who gives him a good, swift kick in the butt

dandylion

Katchie---in the big picture....your husband is an alcoholic...and, so early in treatment that his thinking is alcoholic thinking. Naturally. He looks at the world through the alcoholic filter. Because he looks "normal"....doesn't mean that you are dealing with a healthy, normal person. There is a "war" going on in his head and he is in pretty much of a fog most of the time (even without drinking).

You will find it very frustrating to expect "normal" behaviors from a person who has a distorted brain. All of the deflecting, lying, emotional dysregulation and denial goes along with this. Executive functions of the frontal lobe are pretty compromised, also. This is the way he copes and will likely continue for many months to come. This is what alcoholics do. This is the reality of the disease.

Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. (bma-wellness.com). gives the best explanation of how the alcoholic mind works, in his series of articles, that I have ever read.

dandylion

MissFixit

Katchie,

One thing that I did that I would not do again (knowing what I know now) is to play the part and act like everything is normal. Accepting him back and going with the flow condones what he did/does. You are agreeing to be a part of the crazy world. I know it is hard to deal with and I think you are doing what you can but please please talk with your therapist again and again and again. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Your ah is crazy and I would not believe that he is sober. At best he is white knuckling it and from what you write, he sounds like he still has something going on the side.

lizatola

Love this analogy!

involved

I chalk it up to the slongan...one day at a time...let go of yesterday, dont worry about tomorrow and live for today. Who cares how HE s acting...carry on with our recovery!

AnvilheadII

I told him that's fine, but there will not be the status quo.

So, he comes home around 10pm after ball practice and acts as though he never missed a beat and all is as it was. Wake this morning and do my regular routine with the kids, come home and he treats me as if everything has always been hunky-dory.

status quo is already in da house.

Fandy

wow, your kids practice goes until 10PM ON A SCHOOL NIGHT?

Katchie

7:30-9:30 on Tuesdays and Fridays. Half of the team is made of of home schooled kids and the other half of kids who attend a private that doesn't have an athletic program. It is a great group of young men.

Seren

Hi katchie, I'm amazed at your calmness and strength right now. I think you are doing a wonderful job.

I, nor anyone else here, can tell you what you "should" or "should not" be doing. Those decisions are entirely up to you. We all learn and move foward at our own pace. It sounds as though you have learned alot in a short period of time and are doing a good job protecting yourself and making decisions for yourself.

I hope that your husband will really latch on to recovery this time, but only time will tell. Just keep your eyes and ears open and keep up the good work of taking care of yourself and the kids.

Katchie

Thank you for the encouraging words. I honestly do not want things to go back to normal and I certainly don't want my H to think he can behave that way, to leave the family and think he doesn't have to take ownership of the turmoil that caused his sons. Because of the late practice and me being worn out I'm choosing to wait until I'm not feeling emotionally exhausted to visit with him about it. That may not be until Saturday or sunday. I'm taking my own little day trip with a neighbor and her daughter to watch my eldest son in an erg competition. I'm hoping he makes another personal best and new school record! The talk will come because I have to for me and the boys.
I did call my eldest last night while everyone was at ball practice to let him know of this week's events including valentines day. He was glad I let him know.

involved

I honestly do not want things to go back to normal and I certainly don't want my H to think he can behave that way, to leave the family and think he doesn't have to take ownership of the turmoil that caused

From reading the original thread starter, it sounds like you already comunicated this to him. So devils advocate here...they say you cant change anyone with your words. If you say it again IMO you set the status quo. Before I started this conversation with him, I would maybe ask myself what are my expectations from him in response.

My qualifier has finally turned a corner in that he finally has started accepting responsibility and recognizes when/where he is wrong, and is imedietly (in the same day) apologizing. But he got that from a meeting last week when they read step 12 in the 12&12...not from my constant quacking. It takes a lot for me to keep my mouth shut and not say "if you would just stop doing this stupid imature crap, you wouldnt have to keep apologizing!" But he is making progress and I have quit playing into the game so much, (still have that emotional response sometimes, and when I do, its to the point and not adding my own brand of crazy making to the pot) then I let it lie and see what happens! So yeah me too...I think! Baby steps and good luck to you