Lost my zen...sliding back into the pit of despair.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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Somehow I managed to get out of that house (hell I just basically opened the front door and walked out) and escaped the flames and now I have to just let it burn. Now I have to just stand and watch the inferno consume him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
Thank you to everyone for your words and thoughts. Yes, HopefulinFLA, I have been journaling since forever, since I was young. I am a writer by profession, so the words come naturally, somehow.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
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You know Ofelie, the questions are the same. I never thought about it until I read this thread.
You said: "The answers I am looking for, why is HE this way, what exactly is going on inside of him, that makes him drink like this. The real deep dark reasons that he wouldn't dare ever say out loud to anyone, even himself. I want to know them, understand them, for my own peace of mind."
I have said (I am an alcoholic): "The answers I am looking for, why am I this way, what exactly is going on inside of me, that makes me drink like this. The real deep dark reasons that I wouldn't dare ever say out loud to anyone, even myself. I want to know them, understand them, for my own peace of mind."
Until I stopped asking why and accepted what "is" I couldn't get better.
HopefulinFLA says it best:
"Please don't drive yourself crazy with "why". Knowing why wouldn't change anything, it will still be just what it is."
You said: "The answers I am looking for, why is HE this way, what exactly is going on inside of him, that makes him drink like this. The real deep dark reasons that he wouldn't dare ever say out loud to anyone, even himself. I want to know them, understand them, for my own peace of mind."
I have said (I am an alcoholic): "The answers I am looking for, why am I this way, what exactly is going on inside of me, that makes me drink like this. The real deep dark reasons that I wouldn't dare ever say out loud to anyone, even myself. I want to know them, understand them, for my own peace of mind."
Until I stopped asking why and accepted what "is" I couldn't get better.
HopefulinFLA says it best:
"Please don't drive yourself crazy with "why". Knowing why wouldn't change anything, it will still be just what it is."
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
Hey Ofelie. Sorry you are hurting. Been thinking about this. The memory triggers are tough. I'm right there with you on that. Actually will admit I pulled over and cried on the road today because of a trigger. WTH!! It's like I don't even know what this grief is doing.
But yes, I have been thinking a lot about the memory triggers, trying to examine them cognitively. My ex wrote me an email when we broke up: "I can't take this! Everything reminds me of you!"
Accepting that yes, indeed, there were good times, great times, beautiful times, was a big deal for an apparently severe codependent like me. There is no denying that.
What I am ineptly saying is that despite my admitted flailing around, last night I looked at a really great memory as on a shelf having bookends. There is my memory there, a beautiful little novella about a saturday night where we went to starbucks (one of our things...), no drinking, and we watched the sunset from a hill in the countryside outside a church. The bookends were the days on either side of this day. And terrible things happened those days. I think one of those was a 2 boxes of wine night for my ex. Not good territory, and I don't even need to describe any of what happened because the point is this great memory is held up - no, maybe abutted is a better spiritual-architecture term? - by the sheer horror of watching her....suffer.
Not trying to sound like I know anything, at all. Just sending you support and compassion. Still trying to dig out from the numbness and address this codependency thing and at least ponder what role I played in this saga, and less praying to God to tell me why can't she stop drinking so we can have our life together. I do pray for her though.
But yes, I have been thinking a lot about the memory triggers, trying to examine them cognitively. My ex wrote me an email when we broke up: "I can't take this! Everything reminds me of you!"
Accepting that yes, indeed, there were good times, great times, beautiful times, was a big deal for an apparently severe codependent like me. There is no denying that.
What I am ineptly saying is that despite my admitted flailing around, last night I looked at a really great memory as on a shelf having bookends. There is my memory there, a beautiful little novella about a saturday night where we went to starbucks (one of our things...), no drinking, and we watched the sunset from a hill in the countryside outside a church. The bookends were the days on either side of this day. And terrible things happened those days. I think one of those was a 2 boxes of wine night for my ex. Not good territory, and I don't even need to describe any of what happened because the point is this great memory is held up - no, maybe abutted is a better spiritual-architecture term? - by the sheer horror of watching her....suffer.
Not trying to sound like I know anything, at all. Just sending you support and compassion. Still trying to dig out from the numbness and address this codependency thing and at least ponder what role I played in this saga, and less praying to God to tell me why can't she stop drinking so we can have our life together. I do pray for her though.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
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Originally Posted by Pamel 
Until I stopped asking why and accepted what "is" I couldn't get better.
Ofelie, I love your mountain analogy. So true.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
I must admit I am ABSOLUTELY against WHAT IF's. As a matter of fact they are completely banned from my house. They do me no good worrying about what mighta, shoulda, coulda happened. My son used to drive me nuts with what ifs about everything. The only kind of what if I do is in my work, and that is just plain fiction. There is no use in worrying about what might have happened. Or really even what will happen. I am doing my best to get through what is happening right this minute. I keep telling the kids that the past is done, we can't change it and I am not going to waste any energy that I don't have worrying about it. I am flailing around like Blake is, actually. Everything, EVERYTHING in this house, in this town reminds me of him, and its triggering loads of memories, good and bad. The kids and I were thrilled to go into the new Dollar Tree store a couple days ago that just opened, simply because it was a place that we had been to with just the four of us. Would you believe we all spent over an hour in that place, wandering around with huge smiles at all the cheapo stuff, that we didn't need or want, but were just happy it existed? We came out thrilled, and sort of sat in the truck for a few minutes before I drove away, basking in the happiness of finding a place that was just ours.
I really like the shelf analogy.
I really like the shelf analogy.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 94
The memories are seductive aren't they? For me it's his smell. It's as if he's here, right now. I pull the memory out every now and then when I'm feeling lonely. I also pull out the memories of the drunken rants when I feel my resolve slipping. Staying I the present moment is so hard!! I'm either thinking about the good or the bad aspects of the relationship with my X. When the hell am I going to start thinking about me ?
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
Hi Ofelie,
I was struck by your title "Losing my Zen". Because you really nailed it with that title.
Your descriptions of your feelings are very clear, and accurately describe my emotions too.
The sense of "Why did my Wonderful change to Awful"?
And your insight that "I don't know why I want him back? I know that if he were here, he'd be throwing things or calling me horrible names."
So what I do is not think that if I can get a person to behave correctly, then i'll be happy. Because I know that even when I have what I want, even when I rememeber the good times like enjoying a rainstorm with my ex-soulmate, I also ask myself "Was I COMPLETELY content at that time? Or was the rainstorm a respite from other emotional storms I was experiencing during those days?"
What we mourn is the fact that Life is Change. Everything changes. It changes from bad to hopeful, it changes from hopeful to good, it changes from good to worried about losing our good, it changes from good to uncertain, it changes from uncertain to bad. And then it all starts again. We can't escape the fact of Change. And that change brings whatever it brings.
So if anything, don't mourn the loss of your ex-soulmate. Because when you find a new soulmate, you will be happy. But then something else will happen, both good (you'll have an awesome vacation and rebond in exhilarating ways), and then bad (a loved family member will get cancer or is harmed in a car accident). And then the response of "Why is this happening?" will begin again, even though your relationship is strong and seemed like the answer to LifeHappiness. Because finding something outside ourselves, a partner, financial security, winning contests, is like everything else, only temporary. And then it fades, and something new appears. So we can only react to what we have at a given moment. Wishing things were different is living in sinking quicksand, is living in a circular eddy on the river. It traps us. Our minds can imagine all sorts of things, and then our emotions react to the creation of our imaginations, and then we despair.
But reacting only to what you have at this moment is a way out of that insanity. Viewing our imaginations, our longings as enemies, as inhibitors of our happiness, will help us stay focused on the beauty we possess right now, like a beautiful relationship with a wonderful son.
So I learned from my loss is that nothing is permanent. And you too have experienced that very fact, that nothing is permanent. It's a hard truth that is easily said, but most of us don't truly grasp it until we experience the suffering that you have, that I have.
It's hard living in an ever-changing world. But at least if we understand that it's constant Change that causes our emotions to react, and not the behavior of one individual, we'll be building up wisdom for the next chapter of our life.
I was struck by your title "Losing my Zen". Because you really nailed it with that title.
Your descriptions of your feelings are very clear, and accurately describe my emotions too.
The sense of "Why did my Wonderful change to Awful"?
And your insight that "I don't know why I want him back? I know that if he were here, he'd be throwing things or calling me horrible names."
So what I do is not think that if I can get a person to behave correctly, then i'll be happy. Because I know that even when I have what I want, even when I rememeber the good times like enjoying a rainstorm with my ex-soulmate, I also ask myself "Was I COMPLETELY content at that time? Or was the rainstorm a respite from other emotional storms I was experiencing during those days?"
What we mourn is the fact that Life is Change. Everything changes. It changes from bad to hopeful, it changes from hopeful to good, it changes from good to worried about losing our good, it changes from good to uncertain, it changes from uncertain to bad. And then it all starts again. We can't escape the fact of Change. And that change brings whatever it brings.
So if anything, don't mourn the loss of your ex-soulmate. Because when you find a new soulmate, you will be happy. But then something else will happen, both good (you'll have an awesome vacation and rebond in exhilarating ways), and then bad (a loved family member will get cancer or is harmed in a car accident). And then the response of "Why is this happening?" will begin again, even though your relationship is strong and seemed like the answer to LifeHappiness. Because finding something outside ourselves, a partner, financial security, winning contests, is like everything else, only temporary. And then it fades, and something new appears. So we can only react to what we have at a given moment. Wishing things were different is living in sinking quicksand, is living in a circular eddy on the river. It traps us. Our minds can imagine all sorts of things, and then our emotions react to the creation of our imaginations, and then we despair.
But reacting only to what you have at this moment is a way out of that insanity. Viewing our imaginations, our longings as enemies, as inhibitors of our happiness, will help us stay focused on the beauty we possess right now, like a beautiful relationship with a wonderful son.
So I learned from my loss is that nothing is permanent. And you too have experienced that very fact, that nothing is permanent. It's a hard truth that is easily said, but most of us don't truly grasp it until we experience the suffering that you have, that I have.
It's hard living in an ever-changing world. But at least if we understand that it's constant Change that causes our emotions to react, and not the behavior of one individual, we'll be building up wisdom for the next chapter of our life.
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