kval64

HI everyone.. I have been reading these forums for a while now… They have been a source of comfort for me.. so Thank you All! I have a situation that I find myself between a rock and a hard place. I am an avid Alanon believer.. but am finding it hard to apply those theories at the moment.

This is the story:

My sister is an active A. Has been for most of her life. She, of course, is in denial.. thinks everything else is the problem.. and she is fine. She married another active A and they lived a severely A lifestyle… During this time my amazingly wonderful nephew was born into this chaotic household. I have always tried to be his rock and sober example… showing up for him and following through. Never breaking a promise… and being present for everything I could. He and I are very bonded and he has my heart. He is 10. My sister and her A Husband are now going through a divorce. Needless to say it is disgustingly messy… My sister is having a breakdown and it is just an upheaval in everyone's life. Especially my nephew. My sister becomes enraged at her soon to be ex (who finally moved out of the house) and drinks and drinks and drinks. She breaks things .. including her own bones… and I get the phone call from my nephew. I of course run over there - contrary to my alanon training - and take him out of the situation to come stay with me. The next day my sister apologizes explaining that "He" (the husband) caused her to act irrationally and when this is all over she will be fine. RIGHT! NOT!! If my nephew was not in the picture I would totally detach myself from this situation as I know I have done everything that I can. But I don't know what to do. I feel trapped.. and wish I could just take him and give him the peaceful life he deserves. Anyone?

K

Ilya

I wish I could advise you on what to do, but I'm really writing because I was your nephew once. He is so extremely blessed to have an aunt like you in his life!

Whatever the outcome is, know that your influence and support and encouragement can be his lifeline.

Good luck

I

Raider

Good for you for being there.

FeelingGreat

kval, you're doing it for him, not for your AS, so I don't see it as enabling. He's very lucky to have a positive and loving role model.
Would there be any chance of suggesting he stay with you while she's in this state? If you're up for it.

Pipping

Your not enabling an alcoholic you are helping a child. Thank God he has you in his life. Would you offer for him to stay with you for a while? Is it possible? Hugs to you xx

lillamy

I would offer to have him stay with you ("during this time of upheaval in your life" you could tell your sister).

If I had good experiences of child protective services, that would have been my second recommendation, but unfortunately, my experience is that unless you can show a kid that's black and blue with broken bones, they don't tend to do much.

Hammer

ummm. . . . Real Alanon is Take Care of Kids, First. Really does have that.

I have heard some goofballs preach that allowing harm the kids is part of "Consequences," . . . but those are goofballs.


Sure. Call the school counselor -- they are generally under a "duty to report."

And call CPS, yourself.

Light up the fire, and get custody.

There is no Over Involvement when it comes to the kids.

JustAGirl1971

I'm with lillamy on CPS. Even bruises don't count for much around here, unfortunately. Maybe Belgium's different? School counselor or a favorite teacher gets my vote.

Hammer

Maybe you are thinking of this in terms of you/us/whomever selecting or enforcing CPS results?

That part is NOT our end. On the front end is the duty to report. Not to try to direct CPS's outcomes.

JustAGirl1971

The couple of cases I'm thinking of are more like CPS made requirements but did not follow through to ensure the requirements were fulfilled, then CPS closed the case. No follow-up. Now, I do realize that in the event these people were reported to CPS again, the result may be different... frequent flyers and all that.

iwanthappiness

Sounds like he really needs stability in his life......so glad you are there for him! There needs to be more people in the world like you!!

kval64

Thank you for all of your responses… I have offered to have him stay with me so she can have some space and time to herself to figure out what she needs to do… this is how I approached it. But.. I feel that she is at the point where she feels backed into a corner and is fighting and clawing as hard as she can… especially at me. I assume it is because she sees me as the one who knows her best and is not believing her "I'm not drinking" bull. We had an altercation this evening when I went to her house to do exactly that.. take him home with me…. The outcome.. her throwing me out of the house… My nephew was not at home.. but was at a friend's house…I would Never fight in front of him!! I took my anger and rage.. and took myself to a meeting… best choice I could have. She was not drinking at the time…. just completely responding like a cornered animal. So I backed off. I can't control her.. but I will continue to be there for my nephew…. whatever that takes.

Hammer

And you know about Alateen?

It is ran / sponsored by many Alanon groups.

Generally to age brackets 9 - 11 and 12 -19, or some just run it all together.

The two groups closest to us run it as combined 9 - 19. Our daughter went when she was 10, and our son when he was 9. They both thought it was/is great.

I think so well of it, that I have done the required sponsor training, and when I have two steady years in Alanon (Aug 2014) and finish my Step Study Program (June 2014) I will likely be an Alateen Sponsor, myself.

Good Stuff.

Ask at one of your meetings, and/or check your group rep, and/or the Alateen meetings may be listed on-line, depending on your local district or state post their information.