Have I made a mistake?
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 6
Have I made a mistake?
Hi all, looking for opinions to help my understanding...my AH had been sober for 3 weeks then yesterday his mum transferred some money into his account by mistake and without realising (I've made it very clear to her not to give him any money and I have complete financial control so he can't get any money unless I give it to him.) He went straight out and bought supplies and is now using them up before he stops again.
I'm ok with his 'lapse' I can't affect it and it doesn't effect me or our 1 year old (he uses alcohol to self medicate for mental health issues and doesn't get 'drunk' or abusive) My question is should I tell his mum? He's going to tell her that she gave him money by mistake (was meant to go to pay a bill and she got the details wrong on internet banking) but not tell her that he's started drinking again, this would destroy her and if he is going to stop again really soon I don't see the point. Am I enabling him by not telling her or am I just protecting her?
Sorry to be so long and ramble on...just trying to figure out what is enabling and what isn't!xxx.
I'm ok with his 'lapse' I can't affect it and it doesn't effect me or our 1 year old (he uses alcohol to self medicate for mental health issues and doesn't get 'drunk' or abusive) My question is should I tell his mum? He's going to tell her that she gave him money by mistake (was meant to go to pay a bill and she got the details wrong on internet banking) but not tell her that he's started drinking again, this would destroy her and if he is going to stop again really soon I don't see the point. Am I enabling him by not telling her or am I just protecting her?
Sorry to be so long and ramble on...just trying to figure out what is enabling and what isn't!xxx.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Bunny, from what you say he has no intention of stopping, or at least no plans to follow through. The minute he gets money he goes out and drinks, which make you think that either he's been topping up in secret, or it's only lack of money which stops him drinking.
FWIW, I think secrecy is the enemy of recovery, and yes you are enabling him by hiding his drinking from his mother. He has to face the consequences of stealing from her (he knew the money was for something else) and his drinking.
While she may be angry or disappointed I doubt if it will 'destroy' her. Whatever her reaction, he needs to experience it.
FWIW, I think secrecy is the enemy of recovery, and yes you are enabling him by hiding his drinking from his mother. He has to face the consequences of stealing from her (he knew the money was for something else) and his drinking.
While she may be angry or disappointed I doubt if it will 'destroy' her. Whatever her reaction, he needs to experience it.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Bunny!
Well, I think it's harmful to get between an active alcoholic and a good set of consequences. It's harmful to the alcoholic...it protects them from prime motivators for change.
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this 'in the middle' position!
Well, I think it's harmful to get between an active alcoholic and a good set of consequences. It's harmful to the alcoholic...it protects them from prime motivators for change.
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this 'in the middle' position!
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