readerbaby71

Everything has been going really well--I had a therapy appointment yesterday and it was very productive. The main thing I talked about was my anxiety about leaving my job and he put my mind at ease a little bit.

However, today I'm having a bit of a dilemma. My BF is adjusting to life sober and is working really hard at his new job. The schedule is pretty grueling and he's having trouble sleeping. It's going to take him a while to get used to it. I've noticed that he's kind of neglecting his recovery--not going to many meetings and just seems burned out on it. I understand how that feels but I don't want to see him headed for a relapse. Yesterday I asked him to come with me to therapy, as couples therapy was part of the deal if he was going to stay. He seemed annoyed by it but I just ignored it because he was very tired and in a ****** mood. I have learned not to take things personally if at all possible.

The winter has become so depressing and I know it's affecting him because he's used to being really active. I am too. I'm trying to be proactive and focus on myself and what I'm doing as much as I can.

We are going to a Shambala Heart of Recovery meeting tonight. I know he's looking forward to it. I am just not sure if I should bring up the things I'm seeing with him neglecting his mental health and recovery. It's his recovery but it affects me too. I don't want to sound accusatory or anything like that but I don't want him backsliding on the boundaries and conditions I set if we are to continue our relationship. I see old patterns of behavior returning, and there's no way I'm going back to that.

Should I give it a few more weeks and see if he works it out on his own, or talk to him about it? I'm torn because I want to be as hands off as possible but I don't want him to think that I'll put up with him not working his recovery and sliding back into drinking (not that I'm assuming that's what he'll do). I know there's a lot of future thinking going on here.

Thanks in advance for insights and comments.

Hammer

Dunno. Sort of makes me laugh thinking about it all.

Am happy on my end that Mrs. Hammer is still doing her T.

She was pondering if she could catch it this evening.

She has no idea (I think) that I am now doing T, too.

We should probably talk about some of this stuff some day.

But . . . That day is not today or tomorrow.

JustAGirl1971

Readerbaby, does he know your boundary regarding his recovery? Was it discussed while he was sober? If yes, then I don't know if it really needs to be repeated? I am really bad about wanting to remind Everyone about Everything... and frequently! I've been really working on this (and have miles and miles to go!) In one of the al-anon meetings, someone said: stating your feelings or opinion once is sharing information, stating them twice is nagging.

If you really feel like it needs to be stated, I guess I would say just ask him how he feels about his recovery? Maybe share an experience of when you felt burnt out? Of course, I am so new to this recovery thing that you probably mostly just want to ignore what I have to say, lol.

And, I totally agree about this winter It keeps dragging on and on and even people who don't normally have issues with winter are feeling it this year!

Stung

I don't know. I guess it really depends on what your boundaries are. Is your boundary about him working his recovery in a certain way or to a certain degree? Or is your boundary about relapse? Or are you afraid of what he's thinking and might do next?

He really does have all of the tools necessary to maintain sobriety and to help himself work through his funk. He'll work through it or not regardless if you talk to him about what your observations are. From the outside looking in, I think he needs to work through this and figure it out on his own. If things decline in a few more days or weeks you'll know what you need to do then.

readerbaby71

I think I need to leave him be. There are good days and bad days for both of us, and that's life. I'm OVERTHINKING as usual!

hopeful4

RB...no matter what you decide we support you, YOU are doing great in YOUR recovery from all of this!

I think the meeting will be good and it is good he is looking forward to it. It is easy to get burned out this time of year. I am too, the whole just going to work, coming home, not being able to be outside or really do anything. It's hard for everyone, especially if you are inclined to have depression or anxiety.

I hope you have a blessed and peaceful day!

JustAGirl1971

I do this, too! I just have to say that reading your posts really, really helps me. You're further along in your recovery. Hearing about the things you're doing for yourself, and hearing about your struggles (and how you resolve them) is extremely helpful to me. So, thank you for that, RB

FireSprite

I think it's kind of day-to-day, but for the most part you are probably better off being as hands-off as possible. You can lead by example; you can point out & talk about things working for you in your recovery in an honest (not force-fed) kinda way. My RAH resented me for every bit of "advice" I offered & resented it twice as much when I was right. (not saying the dynamic is the same for your relationship)

In early recovery he was no where near ready to accept my help & I {finally} learned that I was hindering his process by trying. This kind of helped me to understand what it really means when we say that we can't know how someone else is meant to walk their own path, their own journey. Part of his journey includes ASKING for help & me always offering was impeding that process for BOTH of us. Once I got used to NOT jumping to point out/help/etc. it also helped me to not get so involved in "seeing" his struggles as well, in a "staying-on-my-own-side-of-the-street" kind of way.

I know someone else has used this analogy here before, but it's sort of like seeing the character in the movie walking straight into obvious danger & wanting to shout, "Don't do it!" at the screen. They can't hear you no matter how loud you yell.

readerbaby71

Thanks.....you guys really help me too!