Mellybug

I've hit my breaking point and am just fine with the decision. I've fallen into every trap, been through the crazy twists and blame and "nothing is ever good enough for you" arguments. He's making an "effort" by drinking "less" during the weeks (3/4 of a fifth of whiskey last night), which means weekends are filled with even MORE going out until 4 am and repeating the same on Saturday.

We had a huge blowout on Saturday because I couldn't just detach and not be drawn into another argument. I'm tired of being hurt and feeling like another "accessory" in his life (which I said very calmly - thus began the huge argument). He didn't listen to anything I said, only reacted by being nastier and nastier...until finally I left for the night. The next day I came back and he left as I pulled in - ignored my texts (which told him I loved him and asked if he was coming home), and came home 7 hours later like nothing was different (drunk, of course). Yesterday I was asked by a friend if I was OK because they heard we broke up. I was very hurt...and when asked he didn't deny it - but did blame ME entirely because he "didn't know" what I was doing.

Yesterday he was acting like usual, saying he loves me and being sweet. Then at midnight his friends show up to check on him because they heard we broke up. I admit I'm SO hurt by that...we AREN'T broken up...yet. But I won't correct them because I have found a place to rent. If I'm going to be taking care of everything, I'm going to do it for the least amount possible - which is just me (and my dog).

Since he's acting like nothing is wrong, I'm afraid of what the reaction is going to be once I tell him I'm moving out. I know I'm done...I don't want to live like this anymore, so I won't. But I'm not sure how to go about doing it. Part of me wants to wait until Friday to see what happens, and if the normal pattern repeats itself...going out to party and come home wasted at all hours of the night. Another part of me wants to be the mature adult and sit down to discuss it - but having a "rational conversation" with him is nearly impossible without him being defensive and it turning nasty. I can't take that anymore.

I've prepared my work that I may take a couple of days off to just pack and leave while he's at work if it comes to that. He has to see it coming - not only did he say that if I can't accept his drinking then we weren't going to work out but his dad told him he's going to lose me over this. Apparently he doesn't care...but yet I know he does (or he wouldn't lash out over me "rejecting" him).

I could really use some help in this area...perhaps sharing of other personal stories of what others have done - what worked well, what didn't, what you wish you'd have done differently...etc.?

Thank you in advance.

CAPTAINZING2000

Tough one.

I had a good friend in alanon that let me move to his place. He had a second house so, I was able to have a place to stay to sort things out in my head.
Mine was drinking any longer so, that made it harder.
The step kids were being enabled to death and were living in our house.
I finally reached a breaking point either they become adults and live on their own or I was leaving.
I had to follow up on what I said. I moved out.
This has been a slow and steady transition.
The good thing someone else's chaos no longer swirls around your world.
However, I still have to work on me

Mountainmanbob

I hope that when you move out
that someone can help you and be there with you

preferably a nice 250 lb brother possibly
these big guys usually keep things pretty settled down

MB

Mellybug

I have friends willing to help me move out - although in all honesty I'm happy to do it by myself (feeling of great accomplishment for me). I'm not afraid of physical violence because I'm fairly certain he'll just leave and go out drinking. He would rather run away to the bottle instead of face an uncomfortable situation.

In all of the boundaries I've set I've never actually threatened to move out. I've said I'd stay in the guest room if he came home drunk, but I wanted to let him know I love him and am not rejecting him in the hopes that he would not feel threatened (advice from a friend who had an alcoholic husband) and not treat me like an adversary. But I've stated my stance very clearly, and he has clearly disrespected my feelings on the issue. So, I'm ready to go....

I am SO dreading packing, though. LOL

JustAGirl1971

I'm sorry, Mellybug. My AH just moved out over the weekend. It is difficult and it sucks.

My question for you is this: Why do you feel like you have to discuss it with him? He's telling everyone that you broke up... in break-ups one person usually leaves... so why can't you just leave? No discussion means no argument?

As for my experience, I just told AH that it wasn't working and then asked him to move out. There was some negotiation on when (I said sooner, he said later, we compromised on a month which has drug into a 1-1/2 months.) Really, if we didn't have all this property to divide up from the marriage, and custody of children to decide on, I probably would have just moved out. Told him as I was packing. But, that's just me.

marie1960

I like the idea of moving out while he is at work.

Less drama, and conflict for all involved.

I do agree, have others present when moving, safety in numbers.

As far as waiting till Friday to see what happens, Melly, a zebra CANNOT change his stripes.

You are currently in the lather, rinse, repeat, crazy, crazy cycle.

Sending you strength, from personal experience, he will promise you the moon to give him ONE more chance, and of course the end result will be the same, FAIL.

CAPTAINZING2000

Ditto

lillamy

It's a great accomplishment to make the decision to leave a dysfunctional relationship.
You don't have to do it all on your own.
That's one of my biggies in recovery -- that I have a hard time asking for help because it makes me feel weak, so I'd rather do it myself so I can pat myself on the back for how GOOD I am.

I second Mountainman Bob's suggestion to accept the help that is offered. Whether or not you are moving out while he is at work, the actual moving out, the actual leaving, is the point at which most women are physically abused or killed. Even if all he would do is come home and yell at you and call you names, you don't need that. And it's very unlikely that he would behave badly if there are other people around.

I don't care if you're a World Champion in weight lifting, moving out is a hard thing even if you know it's the right thing. Don't underestimate the moral support friends can provide either.

Wishing you good luck with the next step. And hug the dog from me.

Brindie

This was me five weeks ago, so here's my story if it helps. Tipping point reached, rented a place and had it all lined up to go, but didn't tell DH because I couldn't bear to watch the fallout and needed to concentrate on me. I went early one morning at 6.00am, three bags of clothes and the 2 dogs. The sense of relief as I drove off was awesome. Like you, I warned work of the situation and the need to take some time off, and they were great. I took 4 days. First week was total peace and quiet, he doesn't know where I am. Very important for your own mental health! Swear your close friends and family to secrecy on this. I have been no direct contact except for two texts and one note. I am trying to stay as detached as possible. DH has gone into detox and is not over us, holds on to any small sign of getting back together. Be decisive and stick to the plan, and all the best, you won't look back. Take great care now

Mellybug

Thank you, Brindie...this is exactly what I needed to hear.

I've decided that I will write him a letter. I will try to have a very nice conversation about why I'm leaving...but that I don't think it has to mean the eternal "end" to our relationship - IF he's willing to go to AA and get help. If it appears that it's going to turn nasty, I'll simply hand him the letter and leave (keeping a copy of the letter, naturally).

I have requested an appointment with my therapist for tomorrow, and she can fit me in. I normally see her every other week...but she said that any time I need something earlier to email or call - so I did.

Brindie

Melly - I wrote a letter too and left it on the kitchen table. I didn't get the chance to hand it to him as he was passed out on the couch, and we actually walked out right under his nose. In the letter all I said was fact - I'm leaving, why, what I'd taken, please not to try to contact me and I would be in touch within a few weeks. No promises, no conditions, nothing. I didn't plan on a reconciliation and I wasn't in a frame of mind to offer any possibility of anything beyond putting a safe distance between us (but then he a pretty bad temper). All I wanted was some space and peace and quiet to sort myself out. The last thing I needed was an ongoing conversation at a distance about 'us'. So I guess my advice is if you want to hand him the letter in person with a set of boundaries and conditions around the future of your relationship, that's your call. I guess too that this continues some kind of conversation beyond your leaving. I wonder how stressful that will be for you while you work on yourself? My own take was - your are now your OWN responsibility DH and I want no more craziness! But only you will know what feels right -and most of all - safe for you. You go girl

ladyscribbler

You never realize how much junk you have until you try to pack it into boxes and take it someplace else. When I moved out one of my first steps was to weed through and honestly evaluate what I wanted to transport 800 miles. That resulted in a massive Salvation Army donation and less boxes for me to pack. All around a good thing.
I told him I was leaving after he sobered up and asked me "Are you leaving?" This was two days before I actually left. I had already given my boundary of not living in a home with active alcoholism, so there was no real need for a big, drawn-out discussion.
I was lucky to have minimal drama. I actually got more blowback from his mom than I did from him. I know this can be a volatile time, especially in a dysfunctional relationship. Stay safe.

Mellybug

A few of the larger pieces of furniture (dresser, chest of drawers, and a table) are mine, which I will need to take with me as they were given to me by family. Since I haven't been here long, I can pack just about everything else in the back of my Expedition and bail.

I have been reading a lot of literature and my best friend has first-hand experience with an AXH. I am trying to be compassionate and not destroy his already damaged sense of self because that just seems mean to me. I will let him know how his drinking affects me and how I feel about it when I go. I do believe that he can be a good partner if he is willing to work at it - and as much as he SAYS he is, he hasn't done much to SHOW me that he is. My friend tells me that ANY little effort should be rewarded, but how long, really, can I go on doing all of the housework and then give him a HUGE "atta-boy" for doing the dishes? The resentment builds up and builds up...

I don't want to completely give up on this person - but "this person" isn't the man I fell in love with. To be honest, the man I fell in love with may not even be the "real" person he is - but a facade he put on for 4 years until I was living with him 24/7...then he couldn't keep it up continually. So...I'll give him the choice - AFTER I've gone. Be the man you say you want to be by working at it, or give me up for good.

Either way, I'm moving out as soon as I can pay the deposit! (hopefully by the weekend)

Mellybug

Fortunately, I just moved in last October, and a lot of my non-essential stuff hasn't been unpacked yet! As for blowback from his family - his dad is my #1 Supporter, as he is FULLY aware of the situation and we are in contact a lot. As for his mother - well, he's a Mamma's boy and she will baby him and coddle him and as much as she SAYS she won't condone his behavior, she never speaks against him or negatively to him - EVER - for fear of his disapproval. So, I don't know how she'll react, but she knows our tortured history so I'm sure she won't be surprised.

As for MY family - my mom is the one sending me money for the deposit on the new place rather than me having to wait until next week's paycheck! (Thanks, Mom!)

Brindie

You take care now and keep us posted on how you're doing!

Carlotta

I third. There is no point in having a rational grown up discussion with someone who is drinking. You will just end up arguing with a bottle.
Be safe and let us know how it goes.

Mellybug

I wish it were arguing with a bottle...they don't have mouths and tempers. The man attached to it DOES!