myfreedom

Saturday me and the kids left my AH of 13 yrs for the 2nd time in less than a year. Came back in November thinking that he had everything under control and things would finally be different. Boy did he ever snowball me as well as other family members. In January he wrecked his truck while drinking, didn't get caught but ended up with a public drunkeness. That whole scenario cost us over $500. And he still has suspended license from 2nd DUI right now. He doesn't drink nearly as much as he did but still does. He goes from being very sorry and he is done drinking and acting like a kid to a few now and then won't hurt. He also takes Xanax which he is a complete A** when he is on them. He has hurt and lied to my daughter so many times that she barely talks to him. He hasn't been mean in about 8 months. Things were going ok, but I just feel like we will be back on that path again. An opportunity came up for me to stay with a friend, she is a super nice person, has a beach house and a boat, nice house, quiet, relaxed environment. Treats kids like they would be her own. Me and my daughter have to share a room but my youngest son has his own room. I decided to do it. Kids are alot happier and say they do not want to go back EVER!!! But I am feeling very unsure if I made the right decision or not. He is trying and pleading for me to come home so he can prove to us that he is different. Didn't I just give him that chance in November??? And look what happened. Why is it so hard to let him go?????

SparkleKitty

For what it's worth, I agree with your kids that you have absolutely made the right decision. I'm sorry it's so difficult to let go, but he doesn't require your presence and participation to make changes. That's a rinse-and-repeat way of thinking. You don't have to be there so he can "prove" it. If that is what he is trying to convince you of, then it's clear from an outside perspective that the only thing that matters is getting you back home. Once you are there -- as you have just learned -- he will have no reason to change.

suki44883

The focus should be on what is best for the children. They have told you they don't ever want to go back, so listen to them. He has proven that he does NOT have anything under control. Mixing alcohol and Xanax is VERY dangerous. Your children deserve to be free of living like that.

Sometimes, in order to do right by our children, we have to give up something we WANT, but isn't good for us.

CAPTAINZING2000

Why would you want to be with him?
Just curious?

myfreedom

Honestly, I do not know. When I am with him, I can't stand him and when I'm not, i miss him. I have this issue with not being able to stand up for myself. And I have never really been alone. I know this is for the best, I just can't sink it into my deep skull.... I don't know how.

hopeful4

Are we married to the same man LOL???

I am guessing you have heard his promises over and over and over. If he wants you back, and you want that, let him prove it over the course of a very long time. Look at actions, not words. Set yourself and your children free from the crazy train!

Words mean nothing........as you said, didn't you just give him a chance?

I cannot tell you what to do, only you can decide. I just know I am trying to figure out how to get away from my AH who has the exact same issues, and I have given a few chances too many.

Tight Hugs.

CAPTAINZING2000

All us alcoholics are cheats and liars. All part of our bad boy charm

myfreedom

There have been lots of chances and the same thing happens every single time. I KNOW THAT SO WHY DO I ALWAYS FALL FOR IT???????
I don't think he will ever stop drinking totally. I haven't seen him fully drunk in quite awhile but he still drinks a few and that is a problem for me.

myfreedom

Well we are almost at a week. I am feeling alittle better as he isn't texting me non stop right now. Says he doesn't understand why I left when everything was going good, we weren't fighting, he wasn't drinking much...... Kids aren't saying much, but seem more relaxed. They will stay with their dad for the weekend. Will see how it goes. Trying to keep my head up.......

involved

In my opinion leaving is the right thing.listen to your kids. He wont stop until he is ready...and decides for himself there is a reason. Until then, you are right, it will only get worse! There is a series of books called Getting them Sober that talks about seperation and the temptation to come back too soon...think of your kids serenity. And trust yourself. And by the way the quit drinking is only the first part of this journey. Read up on the disease. Addiction is a family disease and the only person you can change is yourself.

myfreedom

I realize if he would quit drinking there is still many other issues that will have to be dealt with. He has insecurities and anger issues. Bad childhood, low self esteem and the list goes on.

involved

There have been lots of chances and the same thing happens every single time. I KNOW THAT SO WHY DO I ALWAYS FALL FOR IT???????
I don't think he will ever stop drinking totally. I haven't seen him fully drunk in quite awhile but he still drinks a few and that is a problem for me.

Because until YOU are ready to look inside and do some hard work, you will keep accepting the same crap...you will keep waiting for someone else to change so your life will be comfortable.
I know this because I have fallen into the same trap! Alcohol is a family disease. YOU can only control YOU. If you dont like that life, its up to you to change it. (Sorry if that sounds harsh..)

hopeful4

I always fall for it too. However, with counseling and Celebrate Recovery I am coming out of it. The problem is, I really do think he is ready to work on himself quite possibly (or not lol), but either way, too little too late for me.

I totally understand my friend.

Tight Hugs.

involved

I realize if he would quit drinking there is still many other issues that will have to be dealt with. He has insecurities and anger issues. Bad childhood, low self esteem and the list goes on.

Those are his issues that got him where he is and he needs to identify, and work on when HE gets ready. You cant fix him so analyzing HIM does YOU no good. Your work is to look inside and identify the issues that got YOU here and work on YOU. Its not easy...there will be lots of tears and fears and aches...but it will get better for YOU.

myfreedom

I need to hear the reality of it all because I can not seem to realize that even though I know the truth. When he tries to make it seem that he is doing better and I just keep living in the past, it gets to me and makes me wander if he is right......... I KNOW HE'S NOT BUT........... I am trying and know I have alot of work to do so keep being harsh if thats what its gonna take!!!!

involved

Our recovery really is no different from theirs I guess..we hear things when we are ready to hear them and we will take action when we are ready to take action and it will be all on our own time line. Things I have tead that have made sence to me are Getting them Sober, The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, The 12 steps and 12 Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous and I have been listening to a series of talks by Mary Pearl an Al Anon speaker http://www.xa-speakers.org/pafiledb....=category&id=8 over and over daily. I am still parked in the garage...but I think the door is finally open! Good luck and progress, not perfection...one day at a time!

theuncertainty

sending hugs, Myfreedom.
What helped me get past the periods of 'missing' AXH when I left him was making a list of the negative aspects of our relationship, the "I can't stand him" part of the equation from your quote above. It was a reminder that a relationship with AXH also comes with ____, ____....

I also had a list of what I wanted my Home to be like, for me and DS: filled with laughter and music; light; safe; friends and family hanging out; kids running in and out and playing like little wild things... It helped to remember that was the goal, and unfortunately, it wasn't a possibility if I held onto the relationship.

myfreedom

He says he was in this marriage for life and all he wants is his wife and kids. I almost think a part of it is that I don't want him to be with anyone else. Something else I need to work on. When I hear these things coming from him, its makes me cry because that is so how I wanted things to be.

ladyscribbler

He's going to push every button you have and hit you where he knows you're vulnerable because he doesn't want to have to look at himself. If you come back then he can maintain his comfortable status quo. And saying all he wants is his wife and kids is a lie. All he really wants is to drink, otherwise he wouldn't be making the choice to continue drinking even after it drove his family out of the house.
Your kids don't want to be around him because of his drinking. That's more than enough reason to stay gone. One thing that helped me not get sucked into a guilt trip in the early days was limited contact. I understand that no contact isn't feasible when you have children.
I simply don't talk to my axb about anything that isn't related to our son. I also have boundaries where I will not talk to him if he's intoxicated or becomes abusive. You don't have to listen to every voicemail or read every text, especially if he's just manipulating you. You deserve peace. Take care and stay strong.

honeypig

Reading your posts, I do see that you seem to be looking for someone else to change so that your life will be OK and you can be comfortable again, as another poster said. You state that you have a problem standing up for yourself, and that you've never really been alone. Then you say you wonder why you keep falling for his empty promises to change. My guess would be b/c if he changes and "fixes" all your problems, then you don't have to look at yourself. You don't have to leave your comfort zone and learn to stand up for yourself, learn to be alone.

I think that's pretty much where we ALL start out. "Why do I need to change? I'm not the one w/a problem! If only the A would act right, everything would be OK!" That's sure what was in my head at the start...

Once we learn more and get some support for ourselves, we start to see that, just as we can't make the A change or get better, they also can't make things change for us. We are responsible for our own lives. I'd strongly echo the suggestion to look into Alanon or Celebrate Recovery, whichever seems a better fit for you. You'll get both education and support there, and it's good to have some of both in the real world as well as online here.

Regarding the kids--they have told you in so many words that they do NOT want to go back to life w/an active addict. However, they are kids and don't have the final word in this. YOU, as the parent, DO have that word. Check into the "Adult Children of Alcoholics" section here if you need any convincing that there is lasting damage being done. And ask yourself if you're presenting your daughter with the role model you want her to have--someone who can't stand up for herself and who isn't comfortable being on her own. Do you want your son(s) to learn that this is the way to treat a woman? As a parent, these kids depend on you to be strong for them and to keep them safe. If you lack the strength to change for your own sake, then do it for theirs.

We are human. We can learn. We can change. We can do things we never imagined we had the courage or strength to do. Just read this forum if you have any doubts about that.

Wishing you strength and clarity.