SeasonlessWorld

So my XABFs mom just called me twice and didn't leave a message. I'm freaking out, I'm afraid to call her back, afraid he's dead in a ditch somewhere. My sister wisely said "if he was dead she would have left a message." She is a really nice lady, she told me her son was an alcoholic and I didn't believe her, for which I will forever feel ashamed. I'm itching to call her back, please talk me down from this ledge.

allysen

There's a million things it could be so don't panic until there's actually a reason to. Maybe she needs a ride. Maybe she won the lottery. Maybe she wants to know if you want to buy her old couch. Maybe she found something of yours and wants you to come get it. Maybe she's had a few too many wines and is drunk-dialing you to ream you out. Kidding.

Or just breathe and let it go. Whatever it is, you have no control over it anyway.

SeasonlessWorld

Thanks Allysen. It's just that I feel so guilty in not backing her up when she said her son was an alcoholic. They have a super complicated history plus she actually said to me maybe I can get him sober because he really loves me etc. I just don't want to get pulled in anymore. It's been 1 month since I've been in contact with my X so it was a shock and I'm a freaker outer usually. I always think someone's in a ditch somewhere. Taking deep breaths.

allysen

Red flag. When I was dating my XAH, his mother once said to me, "I've noticed such a positive change in him since you two started dating." Trust me, I should've ran then. I had totally forgotten about that until XAH and I separated 14 years later and, for whatever reason, I remembered it out of the blue. And I also remembered that I felt happy when she said it....like a total codie.

You are not responsible for, nor capable of, changing another person. Period.

Anyway, try to let it go. If anyone is in a ditch, you'll hear about it eventually. And all the freaking out in the world won't change it. Hugs to you!

SeasonlessWorld

Thanks. Like a true Codie I loved when she said that he could get sober for me. I think I'm going to extend no contact to her too. Unless she leaves a message I'm not going to engage its just too dangerous for me right now.

Ofelie

Light bulb moment here for me, his family told me how good I was for him, how much happier he seemed with me, etc and it made me happy... Dang. Just....dang.

I dunno the background on this, but could it be he is trying to get her to contact you to get a response since you are no contact with him? Contact by proxy? I agree with the others, if it was super serious the woman would have left a message.

And thank you for your kind words to me earlier today. They helped. I am still a mess, but it really helped me.

SeasonlessWorld

Thanks Ofelie,
It probably is contact by proxy. I haven't been responding to him so he probably thought I would pick up for her. Before SR I probably would have. Usually two calls and no message would have been enough for me to start calling everybody back freaking out. I had a good relationship with his mom and unfortunately often got pulled into the fray, refereeing between them, that's why I would have to go no contact with her too even though I feel guilty I didn't take her warnings about her son's alcoholism seriously. There's a part of me that wants to apologize and tell her you were right, but I don't think that would serve any useful purpose and just get me entangled in their drama.

It's sad how we all have gotten the "he loves you so much he'll get sober for you speech". Us poor Codie's we just want to matter to somebody.

boomtruck

"we just want to matter to somebody."
You have to matter to yourself first. The rest will follow. Remember the three C's: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Alcoholics can NEVER get sober for someone else, only themselves. All you can do is take care of you and be the best you that you can be.

FireSprite

If it's important, I imagine she would leave a message, right? Until she does, and while it is trriggering you so badly, there's nothing wrong with not returning a missed call.

I remember the good ol' days before the age of voicemail when you never even knew you had missed a call... sounds silly but sometimes I miss that simplicity. No one ever EXPECTED you to drop everything to answer the phone in the first place (since we didn't carry them on our hips then) nor did they expect you to find out they called via a tracking log & return their call immediately simply because you KNEW they called. Technology sure has helped us turn a simple phone call into such a mind-game sometimes, geesh.

lillamy

I don't think it's unhealthy to want to matter to somebody. But it is unhealthy to want to matter to someone who uses you. Whether that is the ex or his mother.

My money is on him getting into some kind of trouble -- and her wanting you to save him so she doesn't have to. You don't want to save him.

hopeful4

I think one thing we need to remember is the families get desperate too. I know for a fact that one of the reasons my sister in law does not want me to leave my AH is because she will have to deal with him! So....be cautious. If she's calling to tell you how great he is doing and that he really wants to talk to you....tell her that's great and keep moving forward!

Families are big enablers and codies....you have to be careful!

Hugs.

SeasonlessWorld

Thanks so much for your kind resp

SeasonlessWorld

Thanks so much for your kind responses. So she ends up texting me asking what happened between me and her son I told her we were just incompatible.

SeasonlessWorld

It's sad but I just can't deal with it. I didn't go into details its just too much for me.

OnawaMiniya

You don't need to respond to her.

Someone else mentioned the families wanting you to stay together so they don't have to deal with the alcoholic. This is true. She acknowledged he was an alcoholic. She knows he doesn't have his sh!# together.

Now she's asking you what happened???

She already knows and understands what happened - he's an alcoholic and he ruined this relationship.

You don't need to respond to her. You don't need to feel guilty. You don't need to explain anything to her. You don't need to justify yourself to her.

You don't owe her that.

You owe YOURSELF peace.

Peace.

Edited to add: she's not respecting you, anyway. She called twice and then texts you. Clearly you either didn't want to talk to her, or you didn't want to talk right now...Trying to contact you three times over something that's not an emergency is intrusive.

Don't feel too sorry for her. I'm sure she goes through some Hell from him, but that doesn't give her the right to foist that hell on to you so she doesn't have to deal with it.

Ofelie

I think someone made a good point here. It used to be we didn't have a phone stuck in a pocket everywhere we went, and therefore, no one felt obligated to respond to calls and messages OR ELSE face the callers WRATH or judgment or whatever. Its no wonder half of us cannot breathe, modern technology makes it easy for everyone to be in our face constantly.

Honey, it won't kill anyone if you simply just don't respond. Even if you responded, stop any further responding. No CONTACT...NO RESPONSE, I will white knuckle through it with you!!! Please don't let yourself get derailed by her. You don't answer to her, nor do you owe her an explanation, no matter how nice she is/was to you. We get all embroiled in this game of feeling like we HAVE to respond, especially if this woman is not the main problem who harmed you. But...hey, you don't, not if you are too fragile and it will derail you. So don't. No contact...and no response. STICK to those, FOR YOU. I fear you could get dragged right back down into the chaos if you start responding.

m1k3

Hi SeasonlessWorld and ((((hugs))).

I've got a question for you, I don't expect an answer it's kind of a thought experiment.

What would you really do even if he was in a ditch?

Your friend,

marie1960

So she calls you twice, doesn't leave a message, THEN she texts and asks what happened in the relationship???

HMMM.....

MAYBE, just MAYBE someone is using her phone............

Just a thought.

I would forget this ever transpired, and get back to living your new life.

(((hugs))))

SeasonlessWorld

Dear friends
Now my X has texted me saying how happy he is that he is one month sober, lost weight, life is a peach etc. went to AA but didn't like it but doing great. I don't know what game he and his family are playing but I want no part if it. I repeated what I said the last time we spoke "see you in step nine". I probably shouldn't have responded, but it doesn't matter anyway because I am not going back to him ever. Thanks for the support guys.

OnawaMiniya

Hi SW,

I can see it's bothering you to be hearing from him. You don't have children with him, correct? If that's the case, you can block his number.

I'm glad that you intend on keeping this crazy out of your life - you do what YOU need for peace. You responded because it is still bothering you enough to want to say something. I'm not judging you...I understand. You've been through emotional turmoil and are seeking to close this chapter and you want closure, perhaps. It's typical to want have something to say after experiencing that kind of turmoil. I know I have a lot I'd like to say to my husband! Not that it would do any good. It never has. That is the truth.

Telling him you will see him in step nine might be giving him hope that you are still open to him being in your life.

If you have made up your mind that he is no good for you, and you want him out of your life, but you are still struggling with letting go, then explore and work on that. Do it here in part! You will get a lot of support - so many people here have made the choice to leave/end it, but have struggled with letting go. It's hard! And there are so many here that understand completely.

It's quite possible that, if he doesn't get the response he's looking for from you while he's talking to you "nicely" about how great everything is, he might start getting snippy. So be prepared for that, so you aren't caught off guard. It's going to irritate and maybe INFURIATE you if he does this, so, just mentally prepare for that possibility, and don't engage him. Again come here if you need encouragement. One step at a time.

And his mom needs to butt out...No matter what, you are a grown woman, and it's YOUR CHOICE who you are with. Not hers. Don't let her get to you, babe! Sounds like she's a big co-dependent, trying to fix her son's life for him. She can't fix his life, and she has no business trying to run yours in any way. You may feel bad because you got along with each other, but your obligation is to yourself here.

Wishing you strength, peace, clarity, and a good night. Hugs.

Peace.