LadySage

Short history: met xah when he was sober and he relapsed shortly before we married. Over a year he spiraled, lost his job, sold drugs, started a string of awful behavior, sexted other women and we divorced. He left town and came back to serve time for his 3rd dui. In jail he got sober and has started aa. He will go to a sober living house when he gets out.

And he wants to get back together.

I'm having trouble being rational and sorting out my feelings. On one hand, I've always believed our love was special and that the sober him was my perfect match. On the other hand, he has done nothing but dissapoint me and break promises. He's not been able to provide even close to what I want in a partner while using. I'm terrified he will relapse, terrified I'm being ******** for considering getting together and terrified that I'll settling for a man that brings little to the table but drama under the guide of a very special love.

Having trouble with what the reality is and really don't know what to do other than keep on my with my work/life/boundaries.


How do I know if he is worth considering giving a chance. And by chance I mean dating over a year or two and going from there. (Not considering living together. Which is sad because I want to spend my life together with my partner).

Mrrryah1

People do change. Sobriety works. But it's a risk you are taking. Will he relapse again? Only god knows. He doesn't even know. Is the risk worth the reward?

AnvilheadII

I wouldn't bet my future on somebody who isn't even out of jail yet........

redatlanta

First I hope you know that not all of his behavior can be attributed to alcoholism. I'd spend a little time thinking about that.

Its easy to say what I would do - I would never NEVER NEVER NEVER go back with him.

But that's me. I would recommend that if you consider this seriously that you wait 2 years of him being sober before you go on date one. Then wait 2 more years before living together.

I would have to see some real serious length of time of sobriety to entertain this. It doesn't sound like he has much.

How long has he been in recovery?

LadySage

I agree, I wouldn't bet anything on him and at this point won't give him the benefit of the doubt because I've seen how that works. It's more the question of being open to the possibility of him becoming a good partner in actions. And if it is worth waiting around for when I could be meeting men who have careers and drivers licenses.

LadySage

He's been sober since nye, the day he ended up in jail. He's still there until march. He's going to aa which I've never seen him do but jail is boring and it could just be to pass the time.

redatlanta

" I could be meeting men who have careers and drivers licenses". or….."I could risk waiting to see if this person embraces recovery, makes it through sober living, decided to live right, overcomes unemployment having had 3 DUI, functions without a drivers license, maintains the limits of probation, doesn't relapse, and treats me differently than the first time around".

You have answered your own question, no?

Odds not favorable.

returntosender

Don't. Do. It.

He's only been sober since nye? That's not even 2 months.

When you talk about your special love, or what things "could" be like, you are romanticizing and idealizing him. See him for what he is, not what "could be" or "once was"... See him for what he is, now...Because you could be waiting forever. And anyways, having an idealized version of him in your mind is not fair to either you, or him.

I definitely wouldn't put my life on hold over it. There was a reason you divorced him, and it's too soon to tell if those reasons are still there. If he proves himself to you down the road, and your not with someone else, revisit your assessment of the situation. In the meantime, I would date other people. You may be passing up the person who really is "the one." That's just my opinion.

AnvilheadII

the idea isn't to meet people and THEN sit around waiting from them to grow into someone ELSE before our eyes! it really is best if we learn to stay in today, and see people for who they are NOW, because the present moment is all we have.

he's been in jail, OF COURSE he's sober. they don't hand out Budweiser with their pbj's! this is called enforced sobriety.....he isn't even released til MARCH?

CodeJob

LadySage, Theres a two men I have met in my life that I felt like, maybe I was supposed to be with him. There was a deeper connection or his soul seemed familiar. But each time I realized that this time around we were not meant for each other. I don't get too worked up about this stuff, but it does seem that maybe we keep traveling with the same group of souls trying to perfect our lessons.

You tried with this one. It wasn't mean to be. I personally would wish him the best and seek a more fulfilling relationship. Maybe next lifetime things will go better...

LadySage

No, not till march. He is really into writing letters about how I am his everything, how this time he hit bottom, blah blah blah. He calls most nights. Initially I was so happy he said he was sober and actually appears to be doing a program I launched into future tripping. For a long time I had hoped for this.

Trying to reign myself back in tho and be honest with myself. Admit the hard things.


This is helpful. Be as hard on me as you want lol.

AnvilheadII

aren't calls from jail expensive? or do they get cell phones now?

it's very easy in the first 20 minutes of a diet to feel successful, sound successful and even look successful. look at me I just ate 3 rice cakes AND drank a cup of green tea.

but for a real dietary/lifestyle CHANGE to happen you need to see the body of work OVER TIME. like six months or a year later. THEN go check their fridge and scale!

LoveMeNow

I would be wondering what he was really looking for? Collect calls, visits, money and more money. Best advice I got was - Be careful of anyone who makes us feel too good about ourselves.

allysen

You're basing your decision on what COULD BE rather than WHAT IS. If you were meeting him for the first time as he currently is TODAY, would you be considering dating him? If you're confused, then don't make any decisions yet. Just wait.

Seren

Hello LadySage,

I hope for his own sake, he will continue to be sober on into the future. Right now, he's been sober for a little over 45 days, right? And the reason he has been sober for that long is because he has been in jail pretty much this whole time, am I understanding that correctly?

I think the true test for his sobriety will be when he is released from jail.

Whether or not you wait and watch and see how it goes is entirely up to you. I think many people recommend at least 1 year of continuous sobriety before entering a relationship with an alcoholic and even then, relapse is always a possibility.

I suppose the main question is this: Do you think you can be in a relationship with him knowing that there will always be a certain risk of relapse? If not, then perhaps it's not fair to either of you to try.

Fandy

I'm glad you are legally divorced...look at his PROVEN behavior over the last YEAR, when he wasnt in jail for dui.
why do you want to go back to this craziness?
He has nothing else to do but write you long seductive fairy tails and set you up...don'fall for it.

neferkamichael

LadySage, unfortunately because I was a lifelong addict I spent 7 months in jail and I read the bible 3 times front to back, and I don't even believe in a god. I wrote more letters in that time than I have written in 50 years, attended every church service and aa meeting that came around. I filed every kinda paper I could with the clerk of court just so I could spend all day in the court room and get rejected every time. 3 weeks after I got out I decided to go see an old friend and when I walked in the door there was a plate on the table with a bunch of lines of coke and a straw. I ask for a beer and a cigarette and went right back where I had been all my life for 4 more years. Had I have been drug tested just 1 time by probation I would have spent 5 years in that jail. He's desperate and I would wait for a considerable period of time and see how he does before making any decisions concerning a relationship with him. Rootin for ya.

Carlotta

You should check out this thread.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-say-jail.html
I also do not believe that "sober time" in jail is true sober time because you can bet that if he had not gotten in trouble, he would still be out there drinking and driving.
Now if after leaving jail he stays sober, then yes he can set up his annual birthday to his first day sober (in jail) when his eyes finally opened up and he started his sober journey..
Until then, it's just what it is: someone who is locked up so is unable to use and is statistically not likely to stay sober after incarceration, whether he has the love of a good woman or not.

Carlotta

PS: Did he lose his job and his place? Is he on the brink of homelessness?
People just do not give up their home to go in a communal living situation...
If so, reeling you back in so he can settle in your nice little place sure beats living in a sober house with other addicts and rules or in a homeless shelter...just saying.

BoxinRotz

I agree with Fandy! He's got long hours to make up long drawn out fairy tales to *hook* you. That's his main prerogative right now even if he is going to AA 1 hour a day... he's got 23 more hours to figure out how to get you bent over to do what he wants. That's what you'll be if you take the con back... bent over a barrel, crying your eyes out because you gave him another chance and he showed you who he was. He's putting all his stock in you being his wife... er... ex wife and hoping his words earn him a place to lay his worthless head. It's pretty hard having a record and 3 DUI's when finding a job. If you take him back, hope you have a good job so he can run you ragged and through the mud!

I have a friend on my FB who had a boyfriend. He was sentenced to 2 years in the state penn. He had her pregnant before he left. She had her baby. She waited for him. Future tripped over him. Sent him money. Love letters. Waited up all hours of the night for him to call because they were on opposite coast. She stood by this guy. I warned her though that once he gets freedom, he won't stick around but ya know, he ain't like that! I was wrong and she'll show me! The poor girl... He knocked her up again. She's struggling to bring $100 of food in the house by using the bus and toting his 2 yr old around AND SHE'S EORKING 2 JOBS!!! He's supposed to watch the kid and He leaves before she's ready for work screwing her over!

I'd tell you the same thing I'd tell her... once he gets out, he's going to do shat is familiar to him and that includes you! He's gonna do you if you let him and it's gonna hurt! If you let him, request lots of lube!!! It hurts more with the pants on.