choublak

How do you pick one?

Over the past couple of months or so there haven't been many people at the meetings and some of them have even been canceled because of all this snow.

Hammer

WELL. GOOD. FOR. YOU.

Here is some of the psycho nutcase stuff I went through.

Maybe consider me a Cautionary Tale, rather than a Good Example.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ping-tips.html

But looking at that, I see you drifted through there.

Here is a suggestion? Offer to Chair a meeting. Pick the topic as "Sponsors" and tell them you need one?

They may even suggest someone from another group.

JustAGirl1971

I'm probably not the best person to give advice as I've only been attending alanon for a few months but I'll share how I did it, in case it helps. First thing, I attend meetings frequently (2-3/week, usually 3.) I have one "main/home meeting" that I try to attend every week, if possible. I am comfortable with the regulars in that meeting. I've tried several other meetings. There are 4 that I attend semi-regularly. I wanted a sponsor who attends regularly, seems strong in her recovery, and whom I could relate to. Those stipulations knocked out the majority of the people. From those left, I really just focused on the ones I gravitate towards. I paid attention to what they said. I got a few phone #s, and, I eventually asked one of them.

I do like my sponsor; however, if I had it to do over, I would have done this: 1-Not been in such a hurry!, 2-stayed after/went early and talked to all of them, 3-talked to all the potential candidates on the phone at least once, 4-after culling down my list of potentials, I would have met the remaining outside of al-anon for lunch, coffee, etc, 5-taken a few months to decide among my choices. That's how I wish I'd done it. I did some of those things but not all of them.

Last thing, because the relationship becomes rather intimate, my counselor suggested that I stick with a woman or gay man as my sponsor. I would have been equally comfortable with either... may have actually even been better off with a gay man as I have difficulty relating to men and that could have helped... however, it just worked out that I chose a woman.

Good luck, choublak. I know it's nerve wracking!! (OY, remember, there are no rules in al-anon so whatever works for you is how you should do it.)

Hammer

Yunno what.

I think we all tend to put much more thought and worry into "picking" our sponsors than we did in "picking" our A that got us here or Alanon to start with.

Funny that. Funny Strange, and Funny haha.

JustAGirl1971

Yes, totally! Lol.

choublak

Hmm...I wish there were more meetings in my immediate area. Someone at one of the meetings I went to told me there used to be more and that membership in the area is actually decreasing...

Hammer

Yeah, life sucks and then you die.

Some meetings go up, some go down, and the world goes round and round.

You know what I think a good sponsor would tell you, if you had one like my Steps Sponsor . . . but he is kind of an A-hole, like me.

So if you had a good sponsor, they could probably say this a whole lot better, kinder, with more compassion . . . but right now all you have is A-hole Hammer . . .

You need to quitcha bytchin' and get to work.

I like you. I like you a lot, friendgirl, but really --

You need to quitcha bytchin' and get to work.

honeypig

I'd like to echo what JustAGirl said about picking a sponsor! The advice she gave about taking your time, hanging out and chatting w/people, going out for coffee, etc., are all GREAT ways to help find someone you're comfortable working so closely with.

I chose a sponsor after only a couple of weeks in Alanon. She wisely said "let's make this a temporary sponsorship for 3 months, and then we can decide from there." As it turned out, she was not a great fit for me--she was a late night person and I'm an early AM gal, so it was tough to find a mutually good time to talk. She also had MANY other sponsees, and I felt like she was perhaps overloaded. At the end of the 3 months, we agreed to end the sponsorship and did so. I certainly did benefit during that time but it wasn't what I felt I was ultimately looking for in that particular relationship. When I feel I have met someone who is potential sponsor material in the future, I will follow a plan much more like JustAGirl outlines above to help make sure both sponsor and sponsee do well in the relationship.

CodeJob

Choublak,

I wish you well. I'd pray about it. My HP has sent me people into my life when I needed them.

lillamy

I've got a weird situation because my sponsor and I are in different states. We do our thing through e-mail and texts and phone calls.

For me, it was important to have a sponsor whose experiences didn't exactly mirror my own. So my sponsor isn't the spouse of an A but the mother of one. That actually helped me a lot when I thought "I can't do this, I can't just leave him to hit bottom without protecting him" -- it was very helpful to think of how much harder it was for her to turn her son away at the door when he was homeless and say "You are welcome here when you are sober. Until then, you're on your own."

I think what I would look for in a sponsor is not someone who's primarily a good friend who'll hold your hand and let you vent. I wanted someone who was painfully straightforward with me and called me on my BS at every turn. Which she does. *sigh*

OnlyOneProblem

choublak, Thank you for this post. I have been attending Al Anon for over a year now and I have yet to see the topic of Sponsors discussed at a meeting. At most meetings stories are told of how someones sponsor was helpful, supportive, etc. but never "how to get a sponsor". I could have asked someone but I'm not big on hanging out after the meeting. Seems everyone is always talking to someone else. I'm not shy - just not a great conversation starter with people I don't know.


Justagirl thank you for your excellent suggestions. I began attending a new meeting at the beginning of the year and I believe that there are a few candidates that I would consider asking to sponsor me. I'll give it some time and try to get to know them a little more. It's hard. I don't know what to say. I've commented in the past, thanking for their sharing as I head out the door, Don't know what else to say.

Springs

I echo JustAGirl's advice, which I think is very sound. I was so nervous to get a sponsor that I just asked a woman on the sponsor list if she'd talk to me about sponsorship and went with her. She's a lovely person, but I'm not sure it's a good fit. I'm sticking with her for now but keeping an eye out for someone who's experience, strength and hope resonates more with me.