Praying

So another post referenced the Hunger Games third book where they play "real or not real" with Peeta, in reference to "drunk or not drunk". I almost laughed because my life right now is just like Peeta's- trying to regain footing and trust my instincts. I'm interested in any thoughts or ESH you might have.

I am divorced a year now (after 18) and still unraveling layers and layers of denial that I can't believe are there. I know we deny until we're in a safe enough space to deal with it, but wow. I spend a lot of time smirking to myself and saying "real or not real"? It's very hard to undo years of denial and lies. While we shouldn't dwell in the past, I think it's important to understand it to help ground ourselves and trust ourselves in the present. And I continue to be blindsided by things I "didn't know I knew" and memories that hit me out of the blue, but with the haze lifted. I say it's like pulling fleece from my eyes and seeing it for real the first time. Believing someone else's lies for 20 years can really squash your sense of self. (Please! If you're reading this and you're younger- IT WILL NOT GET BETTER UNLESS HE IS ACTIVELY HEALING AND CONSTANTLY WORKING! You will wake up one day middle aged or older and find yourself lost. This is YOUR life. Think carefully about who you want to see in the mirror when you're 40 or 50. It will not just change, and the years will pass as it progresses.)

I journal a lot, I'm working with a therapist, and I have a few close friends I share this with whose job it is to remind me (gently or firmly) that it's all very real- sort of like guides to keep me from slipping back into his (my?) fantasy world.

I don't miss him in the slightest, I'm much happier without him, I'm free, I'm healing, I'm virtually no contact... but we have kids together, so that's a point of manipulation and abuse for him, even though he only sees them a couple of times a year. It's so painful to watch him hurt them in those insidious ways that courts can't see. I'm still working on unraveling that gut wrenching anxiety every time he communicates with me or them. (It's only via email, I haven't spoken to him in a year. But email is still very powerful.)

I know this takes time. I'm doing well in most ways. I moved to a safer environment, surrounded myself and my kids with family and friends, I have a good job, I'm doing some things I enjoy, we are away from his turmoil. But I still struggle almost every day. I lost 30 pounds (off of my average frame) through the divorce, and I can't seem to gain it back. I gain some, then lose it again. I can't seem to break out of this- though I accept I have come a long way. I tell myself if I keep working on it, eventually the "memories" will stop barraging me...they'll be done, I'll know them all...and I can move forward. I don't think stifling them is right, because that's what got me here on the first place. But good grief, how long is this going to take!?!

PTSD and codependency. Ugh. I know they say if it took 20 years to develop my behaviors and mindset, it might take that long to unravel it. That depresses me. I'm willing to do the work. I have come a long way in the last two years, but I need more. Any good stories on finally feeling whole and grounded again? I'm still so exhausted.

Stung

No good stories, but I obviously can relate to Peeta and you.

Hugs. I'm trying to get to the same place that you're trying to get to. The next step in my journey is spirituality for me, which involves changing religions (I'm only Catholic because I thought it was important to my husband to raise our family as Catholic. Can you say codependent? )

formyboys

I am also a year out of divorce after 18 yrs married. just wanted to thank you for posting. You sound like you are getting where I want to be, Im still at the place where I am just now admitting the denial. Its hard...I am also willing to do the work. I don't want this to be how people remember me as..that poor woman who was broken by her XRAH...ugg. I don't want him to have that much power.


I need more also...eagerly awaiting responses from the old timers..

Lyssy

I am about where you are except I haven't left yet. Married almost 18 years. No children.

I wish someone had told me this 18 years ago, but I don't think I would have listened.

I just started the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life: Susan Anderson: 9780425172285: Amazon.com: Books

I am finding if very useful and informative. Have you read it?

CodeJob

If you like to read, The Invention of Wings by Sue Monk Kidd. Newest and best book she has written. I found this book very inspiring.

Praying

Thanks for the posts. I LOVE to read. I've read so many books...first on marriage and how to keep it going, then on high functioning alcoholics, then just alcoholism and alanon, then abandonment, then (post-divorce as things started to clarify) narcissism, then finally abuse (surprising how long it took me to get there), then PTSD, then codependency...I am a voracious reader and want as much as I can absorb. I plan to read these books next! Thank you.

Any other suggestions are welcome.

It's title is scary, but "Women Who Love Psychopaths" was a very helpful book for me. Narcissism falls into that category, and many alcoholics are narcissists. I hated carrying it around, but it highlighted the positive traits that make otherwise healthy, successful women susceptible to these relationships. I struggled for a long time with the fact that I WASN'T codependent before this and couldn't figure out how I got here. This book helped. Keep in mind my relationship was incredibly emotionally abusive, though I didn't recognize it until recently.

Thank you! I love not feeling alone...

dandylion

Praying---you post brings back a humerous memory for me. When my husband was alive--died recently from cancer---we would often spend an afternoon browsing through the book store. I would "force" him to carry my books at the check-out line and pay for them. He hated that part--but, I felt naked in line with everyone looking at the titles of my books. I always felt like you could know a lot about people just by the books they were buying. Needless to say--I was busy looking at the titles of everyone else's books!

My bad.

Praying, it sounds like you have a good list going for yourself!

dandylion

JustAGirl1971

Praying, I can really relate to this post. My AH literally just moved out. Last fall, I told my counselor that I felt like the map of my life was shifting. Not just a minor shift sideways but more like an upside-down, hard shift to the left... and now up is down, left is right. If it had just stopped there, I think I could adjust but it feels like it keeps shifting. I feel so disoriented. I really wish I had someone to ask Real or Not Real who I could trust to give me the right answer I have no advice as I haven't figured it out yet, but I just wanted you to know that you're definitely not alone!