How do you get over tough love?

Old 02-16-2014, 06:23 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 4
How do you get over tough love?

I took in my homeless, unemployed son at the beginning of January. It didn't take long to realize why he was unemployed. He was drunk when I picked him up at the airport and he's been chasing the buzz ever since. Unfortunately we enabled him (reluctantly) because we wanted him to be happy, but we realize now that was a mistake. The other night I asked him to watch his brother and sisters for me so my husband and I could have dinner and see a movie on Valentines Day. We never get to go out together and this night was needed. We offered him $25 for doing it and he of course asked for the money in advance. He borrowed my car at 11AM to go "do something" before he had to babysit. He came back a few hours later, already drinking. Of course he was hiding it, but it was pretty obvious. By the time we left at 5:00PM, he seemed buzzed but capable. We figured he'd be okay (he's 6'5" so he can put down a LOT of alcohol) and the 6 year old twins go to bed at 7:00PM. We had dinner, saw our movie, and when we called at 9:30 to see how things were going, our ten year old daughter answered and told us her brother was sleeping in the twin's room. Passed out at 9:30! It gets worse. When we got back I realized he had stolen booze from our cabinet, stole money from my drawer, and bit his sister so hard, she has two bruises where his teeth were. And this isn't the first time he was physical while drinking. About two weeks after he moved here, we were all having fun, drinking and playing board games, and he got heated. He slapped his sister and I guess the mamma bear in me was awakened. I sprang to her defense and got in his face (tough to do at 6'5") and he pushed me away by throwing me across the room. Turns out this fractured one of my vertebrae and I will be in a brace for three months. I never got an apology, but he sure was interested in the pain pills I got in the hospital. I didn't do anything then because I blamed myself for getting in his face, but seeing those bruises on her arm, the missing money and alcohol, the constant fights, begging for money for booze, the constant anger after asking him to do ANYTHING but lay around and watch movies or play guitar, it just became enough. We told him that he could stay if he would change but he was clear that he didn't think he needs to. Everything that happens is not his fault. He chose to leave and we let him go. Of course he came back when he'd spent all his money, reeking of alcohol, asking to come back in. We had to tell him he made his choice. We bought him a plane ticket, packed his bags, and told him to leave. We couldn't trust him in our home again.

When does the pit in your stomach and the knot in your throat disappear...?
tufchoices is offline  
Old 02-16-2014, 06:34 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Pia
Member
 
Pia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
tufchoices- I am deeply disturbed and hurt for you. I don't know how it feels to go through this situation with an adult son.

But I just ask you to think what would you say if a friend was going through this?
IMO I feel you did the right thing.

I send you hugs and lots of prayers.
Pia is offline  
Old 02-16-2014, 06:36 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
tufchoices---I can tell you from my own experience that kicking one of your children out of the house is one of the hardest things a parent has to do!!

You will feel better and stop your own "guilt trip" when you realize that you did the best thing you could do for your son at the time. It was out of love and concern that you did it. It was loving (though he won't realize it until he stops drinking). You don't have to feel guilty for doing the best for your child.

We parents usually learn this hard lesson about not enabling (with good intentions, of course) through bitter experience--just as you just had.

My heart goes out to you--but just keep reminding yourself that you did the best thing for him. (Hold your ground and never let him suck you in again).

He will survive. If they are resourceful enough to get the alcohol--they are resourceful enough to live where ever they have to. They won't become responsible until they have to.

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 02-16-2014, 06:41 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Mountainmanbob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
your son is a hazard to himself and others best to keep him far away from you and your family
Mountainmanbob is offline  
Old 02-16-2014, 07:10 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Ofelie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
The pit in your stomach probably won't ever go away, mine hasn't. I keep hearing people say it gets easier, but it hasn't yet. You just sort of get used to it I think. You did the right thing though. You had no other choice, you had to protect your other kids, and the mother of your other kids, you. What kind of man..especially a 6"5" man bites a 10 year old girl (if I misunderstood that part I apologize, but he doesn't need to be biting anyone)? Not a healthy stable one, and therefore not one you want around your other children. You absolutely did the right thing and I agree with dandylion... if he is resourceful enough to get booze he can manage to figure out a place to stay. He has to hit rock bottom...and its time to let him hit rock bottom. Its awful and hard and you might hate yourself a little bit for having to let him crash into that wall, but I don't think you have any other choice. Don't feel guilty though and don't hate yourself. You took the hard path with this tough love and that in fact shows just how much you love him.
Ofelie is offline  
Old 02-16-2014, 07:29 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
CodeJob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Tufchoices,

There were two young men at my H's rehab. I met their parents during family program. These parents were very successful people who deeply loved their sons. They were so weary as it was their third time thru an inpatient rehab. This was my first, and I was very naive. One father started crying right at introductions. I had no idea how heart wrenching family program was. At the first break we could see our qualifier and their sons were handsome and affable. They were clean, which they had chosen. My H explained to me how fluid the rehab was and anyone could get anything if they wanted. I was shocked by this too.

So this rehab they claimed was it for them. They told their sons they loved them dearly, but they had to let them go. They had done all they could. I don't know what happened. But they haunt me. I pray my young son does not have his father's addictive personality DNA. You are definitely not alone and may be able to find other parents to bolster you at Al Anon.

You stick to your boundary. It is for you. It is for the rest of your family. You did really well even if your heart is sick and you are questioning the whole thing.

If you are a faithful person, entrust your son to your God. If you are not a faithful person, you might need to work through your sense of a Higher Power. Letting go with faith does help the heart sickness.

Does he have a key to your home or garage access? You might want to do a bit of safety prevention since you have younger kids. I know he flew away, but he could bounce back. You might want to coach the kids if older brother shows up, do not let him in. Get an adult.

Peace and resolve. Welcome to SR. There is a lot of wisdom here in various threads and stickies.
CodeJob is offline  
Old 02-16-2014, 07:44 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
iamthird's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Be proud of yourself you had the strength to stop enabling. All you can do is literally pray for him/love him from a distance. There is nothing you can do! It is so hard when those we love battle addiction, hence this forum.

Come on here and post when you need some support. We will be here to support you when you're feeling sad or down and stand behind you because we all have been disappointed by those we love so deeply and our families have been torn by alcoholism as well.

Treat yourself well. One day at a time.
iamthird is offline  
Old 02-16-2014, 08:04 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Tuf, what a heartbreaking episode for you. No wonder your stomach is churning; I'm sure that would be the case whether you were right or wrong. When an adult gets physical and shoves hard enough to cause injury, or slaps and bites a 10yo girl, it becomes a very serious danger to your family, and you have no choice but to remove him from your home.
I have an (adult) nephew who became violent under the influence of drugs and had to be removed from the home. He later said it was the best thing that ever happened to him, and that he'd had it too easy. He's not over all his problems, but he's getting there.
FeelingGreat is offline  
Old 02-16-2014, 08:12 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Raider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
Ouch. You did the right thing. Prayers to you.
Raider is offline  
Old 02-16-2014, 08:29 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
choublak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
He doesn't think he needs to change?

He BIT a ten-year-old.
choublak is offline  
Old 02-16-2014, 10:49 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Tufchoices, Welcome to SR!

Actually, your choice seemed pretty clear to me. I think you did the right thing. My stepson is one of many addicts/alcoholics in my life. When he was on crack, he was a scary, scary young man. He threatened to kill family members, stole from people, wrecked his truck and got his next vehicle impounded. His father asked him to leave.

Since then he's been in jail, in prison, in homeless shelters and lost job after job, apartment after apartment...the whole time we would tell him we love him and encourage him to seek treatment. Only last year has he finally begun to turn his life around, but we couldn't do it for him. He had to be the one to want to turn it around for himself.

I know you are worried about your son, but you and your other children deserve safety, security, joy and peace. Active alcoholics are far more resourceful than we think. The entire family should not have to be sacrificed for the active alcoholic. I hope that this will be the end of your son's current run. He and you and your entire family will be in my prayers.
Seren is offline  
Old 02-16-2014, 01:41 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 4
You didn't misunderstand...a full grown man bit a 10-year girl. It was a big wake up call.
tufchoices is offline  
Old 02-16-2014, 01:44 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 4
Luckily he does not have keys but we prepared the home for the possibility that he made some. I think we should have them changed just in case and giving the younger kids tools is a good idea. Thanks.
tufchoices is offline  
Old 02-16-2014, 01:50 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 4
Thank you all so much for your replies. I really do feel better. It will take some time to feel better about the whole thing, but I feel lucky to have the support and validation I've found here.
tufchoices is offline  
Old 02-16-2014, 02:45 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
choublak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by tufchoices View Post
You didn't misunderstand...a full grown man bit a 10-year girl. It was a big wake up call.
I'm sorry you, and your 10-year-old, are going through this.
choublak is offline  
Old 02-16-2014, 09:48 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 57
I think the question is...could you live with yourself if he seriously hurts one of your younger children (I know you know the answer to that, because you've already made the right choice). He's already seriously hurt you, and has already assaulted your 10-year-old. I know it's hard to kick him out, and that feeling of hurt is now occupying your heart and mind...but it is far easier to live with that course of action, than it would be if you let him stay and he seriously injures your other children. That would be far more difficult to live with.

You don't really have a choice. You have a greater responsibility to your younger children. He's an adult. He has chosen this consequence for himself.
returntosender is offline  
Old 02-16-2014, 11:57 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
OnawaMiniya's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
I agree that you did the best thing for your son...as well as the rest of the family, including you. I'm appalled that he got so violent with you and the kids. Especially being as big as he is - what bullying!

I've never been through the situation that you are in so I can't offer first hand advice. I can only imagine how twisted your heart must feel. I'm sorry you all went through that, and continue to be disturbed by the memory.

You did the right thing - both in protecting yourself and your family, and in doing all you can do to help him by having him leave. Because he would not have improved staying there, with everything taken care of for him. He wouldn't have been motivated to change - why would he, he was getting taken care of? I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. I'm sorry. Sending you hugs.

Please continue to post here. There is a lot of compassion, experience, and good advice to be found here. It will help you work through your feelings, and give you insight into the mind of those who are alcoholics/addicts.

Wishing you and your family the best, including your son.

Peace.
OnawaMiniya is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:56 AM.