This is the most awful Valentine's Day I've ever had

Old 02-15-2014, 07:50 AM
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wants to know where I'm at emotionally...I pull in to the parking lot of the nice restaurant at 3 for an early meal and movie afterwards but we are still sitting there 2 hours later.
That's a form of emotional abuse and whatever his agenda was, he knew exactly what he was doing and sapped you emotionally and spiritually to the point of exhaustion and tears.
A long time ago I was in a relationship with someone like that who wanted to "talk" things through at the most inopportune moment and would go on and on and on until I was completely drained
It was way before I found Al Anon and learned to set boundaries. Nowadays, after 15 minute of that I would tell him: Are we done yet? I m hungry and if he kept ranting, I would tell him I am not his shrink.
Of course I am single, so maybe I just have too many boundaries LOL.
Hang in there and don't let the quacking divert from your focus.
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Old 02-15-2014, 08:03 AM
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Hi Katchie,

I think that for a man who sounds controlling in your relationship to all the sudden suggest separation is suspect for several reasons. Especially with the money deception, him going to shady neighborhoods and the fact that you guys have been tight on money. Something isn't right. Controllers don't give up control easily, like that. Quite the opposite.

Given that you cannot control him and you can only control yourself, I think the separation is a blessing to you and your boys. You will have the time to work on yourself and care for your boys. I highly suggest finding a job or an additional source of income not reliant on ah. There are many reasons for you to have you own income, it really is a good and positive thing to have: sense of pride/accomplishment, use your mind, good example for your kids, more money, you are not beholden to anyone for it (except your boss). If he is up to no good, then you will probably find out in the next few months of separation. I hope you get what you want, but in the meantime work on yourself.

HUGS!
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Old 02-15-2014, 10:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Carlotta View Post
That's a form of emotional abuse and whatever his agenda was, he knew exactly what he was doing and sapped you emotionally and spiritually to the point of exhaustion and tears.
A long time ago I was in a relationship with someone like that who wanted to "talk" things through at the most inopportune moment and would go on and on and on until I was completely drained
It was way before I found Al Anon and learned to set boundaries. Nowadays, after 15 minute of that I would tell him: Are we done yet? I m hungry and if he kept ranting, I would tell him I am not his shrink.
Of course I am single, so maybe I just have too many boundaries LOL.
Hang in there and don't let the quacking divert from your focus.
It may be emtional abuse, but I'm glad this cry fest was done away from the boys. I honestly don't want them to see/hear any of that. I grew up hearing and seeing that crap, so I will forgive it again only because they were spared this small bit. All that I said, all that he said, it needed airing out. I'm such a stuffer, and I believe he is too, that I honestly feel ok today. I'm sure that won't last, but for now its ok. I was so emotionally zapped last night, but I slept great, got up early, posted here, went to pilates, then headed to an alanon meeting.
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Old 02-15-2014, 10:28 AM
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
Hi Katchie,

I think that for a man who sounds controlling in your relationship to all the sudden suggest separation is suspect for several reasons. Especially with the money deception, him going to shady neighborhoods and the fact that you guys have been tight on money. Something isn't right. Controllers don't give up control easily, like that. Quite the opposite.

Given that you cannot control him and you can only control yourself, I think the separation is a blessing to you and your boys. You will have the time to work on yourself and care for your boys. I highly suggest finding a job or an additional source of income not reliant on ah. There are many reasons for you to have you own income, it really is a good and positive thing to have: sense of pride/accomplishment, use your mind, good example for your kids, more money, you are not beholden to anyone for it (except your boss). If he is up to no good, then you will probably find out in the next few months of separation. I hope you get what you want, but in the meantime work on yourself.

HUGS!
There weren't any shady neighborhoods I found him in, just a really nice one. But it doesn't matter either way. To be honest, I almost feel like he's running at the moment. I could be wrong, but I'm trying not to put energy into worrying about it because youre right, I cannot do a thing to change him or what he is doing. I think some time apart will be good for us. What that looks like or how we do it, and when, I don't have the answer to. Im letting him figure that out. Im letting him tell his son's he's leaving and why -- with me present, of course. He gets to air his dirty laundry to them himself.

I couldn't possibly tell you all everything that we talked about in our 2 hour parking lot spill, but the thing that did stand out the most to me is that for the first time EVER he admitted to me that he believes he is an alcoholic. He's never ever said that to me. He also said he hates himself, that he is horrified at the revelation, but will work on it, will get a sponsor, and that he cannot promise me he will abstain. That's the most honest thing I've heard from him in a long time. I hope for him that this is the beginning of his journey to recovery. Praying.
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Old 02-15-2014, 11:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Katchie View Post
I asked him that during our parking lot conversation and no, he doesn't but he said he is getting to know people so he can choose one. He hasn't been going to AA for very long, maybe a 1.5 weeks?
Hmm... Aside from which, the "AA experience" is supposed to stay within the rooms anyway.
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Old 02-15-2014, 11:46 AM
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Originally Posted by choublak View Post
Hmm... Aside from which, the "AA experience" is supposed to stay within the rooms anyway.
he isn't telling me about the people in AA, just that he is learning about himself in there.
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Old 02-15-2014, 12:17 PM
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Katchie, big hugs to you. You'll make it through.
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Old 02-15-2014, 05:56 PM
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Hi, Katchie. I'm sorry yesterday was such an emotionally draining day At least, as you said, it was a productive discussion. I'm glad you were able to do some things for yourself today and feel better.

On the 'running' thing. That's how I felt with my AH. He's never admitted that it's an addiction... but he did admit that it was his coping mechanism or 'self-medication' for dealing with life and that he needed it and wasn't willing to give it up permanently. It was shortly after that conversation that he gave up on our marriage and gave up on working things out with our son. Once he understood that it was alcohol or us... he chose alcohol (though he's never admitted that to us, anyone else, and probably not even to himself.)

But, my AH never gave AA a shot. The fact that your AH is trying is something, imo. During the trial separation, would he consider giving you control of the finances to pay bills, etc (or at least enough of the finances to run the household with out him?) Just thinking that would give you some financial peace while you figure out what you want to do next.

Hugs, Katchie. I'm glad today was a better day
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Old 02-15-2014, 06:11 PM
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He's very pitiful today. I don't know if its sulking or what, but when he came home from his noon AA meeting, he grabbed some lunch I had prepared and then said he would be heading to the office to get out of our hair. When I didn't respond to the comment, which I now believe was an attempt to make me feel bad, he then repeated it. I still didn't respond. Thankfully he didn't attempt to say it a 3rd time. Interestingly enough, he didn't immediately leave, but chose to watch a little tv before the boys left for practice with a buddy. I guess I can be thankful he is still sober.
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Old 02-15-2014, 09:50 PM
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Sounds like he's being a baby.
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Old 02-16-2014, 03:30 AM
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Katchie---he is having to face a new reality, right now. From his point of view...I imagine he would like some reassurance that the old status--quo in your relationship will prevail.
Well...we all want what we want...

Good for you that you didn't respond to his maneuver just to pacify him....

He probably doesn't fully realize that there is a new sheriff in town.


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Old 02-16-2014, 04:05 AM
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Since he is having such a difficult time, why don't you offer to take control ( sorry its the only word comes to mind) of the bills and finances...he deposits his check, you pay everything on line or whatever and see the expendatures. Give him $250. per week for coffee and pizza... ( thats a lot of lunch $$ unless he smokes).
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Old 02-16-2014, 04:09 AM
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I think you did fine, katchie! Learning to not respond to the bait is often the hardest thing and does take practice. Sometimes, a simple 'OK' is all that is needed as a reply
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Old 02-16-2014, 07:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Katchie View Post
he isn't telling me about the people in AA, just that he is learning about himself in there.
Forgive me for being snarky, but isn't that part of the point of AA? To learn more about yourself? What did he think was going to happen? lol
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Old 02-16-2014, 08:10 AM
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He sounds very manipulative to me. Everything that happened on your valentines day sounds pre-planned down to suggesting you split for awhile. It is a common ploy (not just with A's) to address difficult conversations in public arenas - no matter that you stayed in the car the intent was to have dinner, and he just started talking a little too early.

I mean really, who plans a romantic date then 15 minutes in brings up a discussion of the current state of affairs? I'll tell you who one of two - someone with an agenda or an idiot.

This combined with the recent money issues with him wouldn't set well with me AT ALL. I don't believe he is spending 2k a month on your children unless he does the grocery shopping. I have to refer back also to what another poster said - who carries that much money around? Everyone takes credit cards even Mcdonalds and toll booths. What are all these receipts for the kids? So he is giving them money and telling them to bring home a receipt? Bah! Tell you what why doesn't the new Sheriff tell husband that YOU will now take over giving the kids money when they need it?

Don't buy the sullen sulky behavior either. Keep your antennae up more will be revealed.
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Old 02-16-2014, 08:39 AM
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Originally Posted by choublak View Post
Forgive me for being snarky, but isn't that part of the point of AA? To learn more about yourself? What did he think was going to happen? lol
Really? Not kind or supportive in any way.
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Old 02-16-2014, 10:03 AM
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Katchie,

When I first came to SR in 2008, I had just found out about exA's cheating. I was totally lost. I posted in the A section of SR to ask for answers about why an A who claimed to be getting sober and in AA would change partners so abruptly to a hard drinker.

Several people told me that when they got "caught" in their lies, drinking, etc...they ran. They said they changed either locations (where they lived) or partners to escape the responsibility and accountability of their bad (aka drunken, lying) behavior. You mentioned you felt like he is/was running and I know your feeling well.

You will be alright regardless of what happens. Just keep your eyes open, take what he says with a grain of salt and keep seeing your therapist.

Hugs
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