What Divorced Friend Just Told Me.....
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Hi Hopeful - praying that you're finding some peace in your day.
I found myself thinking about your situation with your children and wanted to share some of my personal experience as an ACOA. My father was an alcoholic and my mother suffered from mental illness. Lots of chaos. 8 children, I'm second oldest first daughter. Could go on for days and days, but to the point which had me thinking of your children. Especially your 14 year old.
Our family broke when I was 11 and we were scattered to foster homes. Different than you I know, but similar in that the family broke. I was never told anything, only had what I knew in my developing emotional and psych from what I saw. Because I was never given any truth from the adults in my situation it was horrific the things I came up with as reasons this happened. And I believed for many years that it was all my fault. I know now how deeply this damaged me. IMHO I think being honest with your children is important or they will, in their hearts, take on the blame for all the negative. How you do this is for you to know. I read somewhere here that a parent goes to a child psychologist for advise with his children in a similar situation as yours. (couldn't find it again) That seemed very empowering to me.
In finding your children on my heart today I thought - wow, I would have loved someone to ask me what I thought was going on. It's a thought maybe for your children? Especially your 14 year old? It might be an opportunity to dispel any delusions and instill healthy truths? It is not about having children make decisions. It's about helping them deal with a traumatic change in the healthiest way possible and I can see that's what you want.
As to your friend's comments, she's suffering from hindsight and second guessing. I try not to make decisions based on what might happen down the road but on what is going on now and maybe hopes for the future.
Sending good thoughts.
I found myself thinking about your situation with your children and wanted to share some of my personal experience as an ACOA. My father was an alcoholic and my mother suffered from mental illness. Lots of chaos. 8 children, I'm second oldest first daughter. Could go on for days and days, but to the point which had me thinking of your children. Especially your 14 year old.
Our family broke when I was 11 and we were scattered to foster homes. Different than you I know, but similar in that the family broke. I was never told anything, only had what I knew in my developing emotional and psych from what I saw. Because I was never given any truth from the adults in my situation it was horrific the things I came up with as reasons this happened. And I believed for many years that it was all my fault. I know now how deeply this damaged me. IMHO I think being honest with your children is important or they will, in their hearts, take on the blame for all the negative. How you do this is for you to know. I read somewhere here that a parent goes to a child psychologist for advise with his children in a similar situation as yours. (couldn't find it again) That seemed very empowering to me.
In finding your children on my heart today I thought - wow, I would have loved someone to ask me what I thought was going on. It's a thought maybe for your children? Especially your 14 year old? It might be an opportunity to dispel any delusions and instill healthy truths? It is not about having children make decisions. It's about helping them deal with a traumatic change in the healthiest way possible and I can see that's what you want.
As to your friend's comments, she's suffering from hindsight and second guessing. I try not to make decisions based on what might happen down the road but on what is going on now and maybe hopes for the future.
Sending good thoughts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
O I did tell her. I don't hide the truth from them, I changed that a long time ago. I don't cover up for him...ever. I just had not done so yet.
I had a very very long talk with my daughter over the weeekend, my 14 year old. She initiated the talk. It was all about her dad and all sorts of things. Basically in a wrap up that she thinks he is a selfish person and that he really makes her very mad. She was very mature, these were not little silly things. She said what a dissappointment it is that she should be looking at her dad with respect and that she does not respect him at all, not just for drinking but for all sorts of things. She knows that divorce is looming. She also said that she is scared he will orbit out of control and it will be really bad and they will have to spend time with him when it is really miserable or even worse, not safe. She has fear he will drive them when he has been drinking.
I was overwhelmed but held it together. I told her that with all I have done at CR and therapy that I have realized I cannot control his behavior and that she cannot either, his or anyone elses. That we have a life outside of all of these issues and will continue doing the things we love to do. I told her that being their mom is the most important thing to me in life and that every decision I make I am trying to do it for their good and that sometimes I dont know the answers, so I pray and seek therapy. She was resentful I had to do that, said he should be the one doing so. I told her the therapy is for me and has made and will make me a healthier person in all aspects of my life, not in just dealing with him.
Basically it all made me very very sad. I see the resentment she has growing for him. Why can he not see it?? She told me how when she was little she could remember him telling her as he was hiding beer cans not to tell me. That he does not go to her cheer comps. All sorts of things that have hurt her. I asked her if she wants to go back to therapy (she loves her counselor, he is a wonderful man). She said not right now. I told her that whenever she does that she can just tell me and I will set it up. I am not forcing it....yet.
What a life I live. I guess all of this just breaks my heart for my girls. How can you not want the very best for them??
Thank you for letting me vent about this. Any insight offered will help!
God Bless!
I had a very very long talk with my daughter over the weeekend, my 14 year old. She initiated the talk. It was all about her dad and all sorts of things. Basically in a wrap up that she thinks he is a selfish person and that he really makes her very mad. She was very mature, these were not little silly things. She said what a dissappointment it is that she should be looking at her dad with respect and that she does not respect him at all, not just for drinking but for all sorts of things. She knows that divorce is looming. She also said that she is scared he will orbit out of control and it will be really bad and they will have to spend time with him when it is really miserable or even worse, not safe. She has fear he will drive them when he has been drinking.
I was overwhelmed but held it together. I told her that with all I have done at CR and therapy that I have realized I cannot control his behavior and that she cannot either, his or anyone elses. That we have a life outside of all of these issues and will continue doing the things we love to do. I told her that being their mom is the most important thing to me in life and that every decision I make I am trying to do it for their good and that sometimes I dont know the answers, so I pray and seek therapy. She was resentful I had to do that, said he should be the one doing so. I told her the therapy is for me and has made and will make me a healthier person in all aspects of my life, not in just dealing with him.
Basically it all made me very very sad. I see the resentment she has growing for him. Why can he not see it?? She told me how when she was little she could remember him telling her as he was hiding beer cans not to tell me. That he does not go to her cheer comps. All sorts of things that have hurt her. I asked her if she wants to go back to therapy (she loves her counselor, he is a wonderful man). She said not right now. I told her that whenever she does that she can just tell me and I will set it up. I am not forcing it....yet.
What a life I live. I guess all of this just breaks my heart for my girls. How can you not want the very best for them??
Thank you for letting me vent about this. Any insight offered will help!
God Bless!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It was wonderful! I am honest with them. We are super close and she knows she can come to me with anything. I know she told me last year how resentful it made her that I did not think she could handle the truth. So I told her that I promise from there on out I would give her the truth and answer any questions she wants to know.
She is a wonderful girl. I hate seeing her suffer and just want to do what is best for both of my kids, I love them so much.
She is a wonderful girl. I hate seeing her suffer and just want to do what is best for both of my kids, I love them so much.
Originally Posted by FireSprite 
Hopeful, as difficult as it was, that sounds like a really great mom-daughter talk. ((((HUGS))))
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I think letting her know that she is entitled to her own feelings & that if she feels it, it is REAL no matter what anyone else thinks or feels is a good thing for kids to hear. If she knows she can come to you to talk about any & all of it & you get the chance to help her separate her emotions from her judgments, it's a win-win. I think you're handling it all really well!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Thank you. It seems I spend a great deal of my time second guessing the things I do and say. I have faith in God, I need to see that he gives me faith in myself. I go to a new therapist very soon who I am hoping can sort it all out with me and at least point me in the right direction.
Have a blessed day!
Have a blessed day!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
It sounds like it went well, hopeful. My daughter is the same age and they really are more mature, and more capable of handling the truth than we sometimes give them credit for. My AH literally only just left yesterday (and still has things to pick up so likely we will see him the next few nights) so I can't comment on how peaceful it is. But, I can tell you it was much less stressful this morning!
Last summer/fall when we were going through the worst of it with AH, dd also expressed anger (rage really) and even some hatred for AH. It shocked and saddened me
It appears that she's working through that in counseling because she's not expressed that level of anger at her father since. It helps that AH has been on his best behavior the last few months and they've been spending a lot of quality father-daughter time together. I don't know if that will last when he moves out. I'm hopeful that it will but I'm assuming it won't... When I mentioned it to oldest ds, wise young man that he is, he told me "Mom, a couple months of good behavior don't make up for years of bad behavior, nor do they indicate real change unless the behavior lasts and I haven't seen anything to indicate to me that it will last." I guess we'll see.
As for the time DD spends with AH at his new apartment, she & I have discussed many times the fact that she can call me at any time day/night to pick her up for any reason. Any time she doesn't feel safe regardless of the circumstances (with AH or with friends, etc.) She also knows not to get into the car with anyone she suspects is under the influence of alcohol or drugs, be it parent or friend (for future... she's not yet allowed to ride in cars with friends.) Actually, we discussed it again just last night when she brought it up. That's really all I know to do at this time. I suppose this is one of those times we can be thankful that our daughters will be driving soon. Aside from that, we just have to trust our God.
Hugs, hopeful. I hope the new therapist is helpful.
Last summer/fall when we were going through the worst of it with AH, dd also expressed anger (rage really) and even some hatred for AH. It shocked and saddened me
It appears that she's working through that in counseling because she's not expressed that level of anger at her father since. It helps that AH has been on his best behavior the last few months and they've been spending a lot of quality father-daughter time together. I don't know if that will last when he moves out. I'm hopeful that it will but I'm assuming it won't... When I mentioned it to oldest ds, wise young man that he is, he told me "Mom, a couple months of good behavior don't make up for years of bad behavior, nor do they indicate real change unless the behavior lasts and I haven't seen anything to indicate to me that it will last." I guess we'll see.As for the time DD spends with AH at his new apartment, she & I have discussed many times the fact that she can call me at any time day/night to pick her up for any reason. Any time she doesn't feel safe regardless of the circumstances (with AH or with friends, etc.) She also knows not to get into the car with anyone she suspects is under the influence of alcohol or drugs, be it parent or friend (for future... she's not yet allowed to ride in cars with friends.) Actually, we discussed it again just last night when she brought it up. That's really all I know to do at this time. I suppose this is one of those times we can be thankful that our daughters will be driving soon. Aside from that, we just have to trust our God.
Hugs, hopeful. I hope the new therapist is helpful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Thank you JustAGirl. I was wondering how you are doing today, hoping you got out to do some fun things over the weekend.
Yes, I guess it shocked me too to hear how much pent up anger she has at her father. He deserves it really, and it just comes down to who he is as a person. She basically said he is funny half the time and the other half he is a jerk. I agree with her and told her so.
So glad to hear therapy is helping in your family. My DD did think about it before she said no, which shows me that she was close to saying yes. I too told her that she could call me no matter what and to never ever get in the car with anyone who she suspects is drinking.
It's a hard life, but we can do it!!!
Have a blessed day my friend!
Yes, I guess it shocked me too to hear how much pent up anger she has at her father. He deserves it really, and it just comes down to who he is as a person. She basically said he is funny half the time and the other half he is a jerk. I agree with her and told her so.
So glad to hear therapy is helping in your family. My DD did think about it before she said no, which shows me that she was close to saying yes. I too told her that she could call me no matter what and to never ever get in the car with anyone who she suspects is drinking.
It's a hard life, but we can do it!!!
Have a blessed day my friend!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Thank you, hopeful 
I'm doing great today! We spent the weekend doing things with church and friends and were mostly out of the house. Of course, it seems that he's dragging the process out but he should be completely out in the next day or two.
My daughter has called her father a jerk several times, too. My niece says the same thing about her AF. She's around the same age as our dds. I think they are just old enough/mature enough to see things more clearly but not experienced enough to have the tools to handle the emotions. Counseling definitely helps. My dd always balks at going to her appointment... but then she's always glad she went I think her small group at church has been the most helpful to her, to be honest. I just pray that having experienced this as children/teens, our dds are wiser in their choice of boyfriends/husbands than I was (since alcohol was a theme in our relationship from day 1.)
I'm doing great today! We spent the weekend doing things with church and friends and were mostly out of the house. Of course, it seems that he's dragging the process out but he should be completely out in the next day or two.My daughter has called her father a jerk several times, too. My niece says the same thing about her AF. She's around the same age as our dds. I think they are just old enough/mature enough to see things more clearly but not experienced enough to have the tools to handle the emotions. Counseling definitely helps. My dd always balks at going to her appointment... but then she's always glad she went
I think her small group at church has been the most helpful to her, to be honest. I just pray that having experienced this as children/teens, our dds are wiser in their choice of boyfriends/husbands than I was (since alcohol was a theme in our relationship from day 1.)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
I wish I could have responded to this thread earlier but I do not have much internet access that will let me reply.
I am divorced from my aexh and we have a 14 year old daughter. She believes, more firmly than I do, that I did the right thing in ending our marriage. We've talked about it and I value her opinion. He did marry someone else who has had a mixed effect at best on my daughter... modeling severely codependent and controlling behavior. "[Mrs. Aexh] fools herself," my daughter calmly told me a month after their wedding. "She thinks she has a great relationship but she doesn't."
There are no good solutions in a relationship that includes active addiction, my only choices tended to be "temporarily bad" vs. "permanently bad". I still regret my divorce terribly. But I know absolutely that if we were still married I would be hating myself for not leaving a long time ago. He hasn't changed; he wasn't ready to address his destructive behavior then and he isn't ready now either.
I am divorced from my aexh and we have a 14 year old daughter. She believes, more firmly than I do, that I did the right thing in ending our marriage. We've talked about it and I value her opinion. He did marry someone else who has had a mixed effect at best on my daughter... modeling severely codependent and controlling behavior. "[Mrs. Aexh] fools herself," my daughter calmly told me a month after their wedding. "She thinks she has a great relationship but she doesn't."
There are no good solutions in a relationship that includes active addiction, my only choices tended to be "temporarily bad" vs. "permanently bad". I still regret my divorce terribly. But I know absolutely that if we were still married I would be hating myself for not leaving a long time ago. He hasn't changed; he wasn't ready to address his destructive behavior then and he isn't ready now either.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
