shari07

Ok I'll try to make this short. I've been on here for awhile but don't post much. I've been with my abf for 4 1/2 yrs it's been a very rocky relationship, and I'm not going to say I've been an angel in this relationship, I've had my share of reacting terribly to his bad behavior. Anyway at the end of December I told him I've had enough and he had to move out by the end of January, in that time he was drinking constantly and sleeping on the couch, and I was doing my thing with my friends. Ok come Monday Jan 20, he says I'm going to try my hardest to quit drinking......I didn't say anything, he worked late Tuesday so Wednesday I said ok do you want to talk. I told him if he didn't actually want to quit it won't work, he said he wanted too. So it was a wonderful 9 days then he had to go away for work for 1 night, I talked to him 2 words out of his mouth I could tell he was drunk. So we just didn't talk the rest of the evening, I figured ok it was 1 time we will see what tomorrow brings, everything seemed ok we were texting cuz we were both at work, I wanted to be supportive and just let the 1 time slide. Well when he came home the next day(Thursday)he was hammered again, laying on my kitchen floor, so I said enough he moved out Monday Feb 3rd. Now I am second guessing my decision, should have I just said get up let's go to bed and show him support? That was the first time he ever even tried to not drink for that many days, I'm thinking if I would have just said ok you messed up so let's try again......that maybe he could have tried harder next time seeing I was being supportive instead of b$&)hing about it...... I'm having a hard day. I hope this makes sense

FlippedRHalo

I can't tell you how many times I've heard the same thing. My AXBF promised me he'd stop so many times that I've lost track. I've been begged for 5th, 6th, 10th chances and I always obliged until this last time. I've pretended it didn't happen, tried to be supportive, tried screaming, yelling and threatening. Nothing works. It just doesn't. I know you want to give him another chance - most of us want to still and have many times, but unfortunately, all of the pretending, support, screaming, yelling and threatening in the world isn't going to do a damn thing except for prolong your agony. I can almost promise you that.

This is the hardest place to be and you'll second guess yourself for a while. I've been second guessing since the moment I knew I had to end it to save my own life, but then I remember all of the times he promised. I remember the times when he'd go a week, 2 weeks, almost a month once, without drinking and how great it was. But it didn't stick. And every time I gave him one more chance and hung my hope on it being the magic time that he'd actually stop, it hurt a little more when he'd start again. It became devastating.

I wish I could tell you that you should have done something differently and supported him instead, but, the odds are against us that they'll stop.

I'm sorry - I know your pain right now so well. I'm currently in it too. Lots of us on here are right now. You're not alone and as badly as it hurts, and through all of the second guessing, anxiety and "oh my god, what did I do's"... know that you can not change them with support, love and kindness. Only they can change themselves and it seems most don't.

hopeful4

If you take his consequences away you take away any chance he has of recovery. You set a boundary and stuck to it. That is the best thing you could have done for him and for yourself. If there are no consequences he has no reason to stop.

I know it is hard, I am so sorry. Please be kind to yourself, go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery and get the support you need for YOU.

Hugs.

atalose

Of course your having a hard day, it's Vslentines Day and you just ended an un-healthy relationship and feeling the loss. It's ok to be sad it's not ok to second guess a healthy decision you made for yourself just to stop the pain you are feeling today.

I too am missing the good things I had with my ex but I have to give equal though to the bad things, the things that made me un-happy and anxious.

1 chance always turns into 2 chances which then turns into 3 and so on and so on a new cycle in the relationship begins.

You made the right decision for yourself and for a happier future. Even if by chance he jumps on the recovery wagon again don't jump back into the relationship until he's proven with his actions that he not only has stopped drinking but is working a strong recovery program. And that involves far more then not drinking for 9 days. What he has shown you is that he can't do it by himself (and I don't mean with you) and, he doesn't want it bad enough. So keeping that in mind moving forward actions not his words are what you need to gauge his honesty about wanting to really address his problem.

spiderqueen

I have been apart from my xabf for over 6 months, and I can't agree enough with atalose above.

I am still in touch with my X, and there have been lots of promises, but also lots of slip ups. He knows I won't see him until he has had a solid 6 months sober, and we both know that isn't happening.

As sad and lonely as I have felt at times, I have had the peaceful nights, and calm days to reflect on the unhealthy rollercoaster ride we were on.

Meanwhile, I am getting on with my life - focusing on my kids, and work, and friends - and generally living a life that isn't centered around the sick habits of an alcoholic.

If it helps YOU, you can tell him that until/unless he is sober for a year and working a recovery program, you will not even consider a relationship. Or maybe you're just DONE, and that's OK TOO!!!

Good for you for getting away from the passed-out-on-the-floor guy, who was not capable of being a partner. Remember THAT when you are feeling sad.

(hugs)

dandylion

shari---for what it is worth--here are my thoughts based on my experience with people who are attempting to quit drinking. This is for future reference---as it is probably not in your best interest in having him back in your home without at least one year of un interrupted sobriety while he is working a very strenuous program (like AA/sponsor/doing the steps).

Personally, I would never ask a person to stop drinking "cold turkey"---especially if they have been drinking daily or heavily for a number of years. We also tend to forget that the alcoholic who has never tried to stop may be as ignorant of how to do it as we are...LOL.

First of all, they are certain to have very painful withdrawl symptoms---physical as well as psychic---for which they will have to drink again to keep from suffering. The suffering is very painful and very real. They need a detoxification period that is under---or at least, managed by a medical professional. This is so vital!

In addition, they need immediate support--more than what you can or should be trying to give. They need daily--DAILY meetings...I suggest AA. They need a sponsor to guide them. In addition, they could use a personal counselor that has EXPERIENCE in addiction issues---and, they may need additional medical care from a doctor (preferably psychiatrist) if there is a second complicating problem--like depression or chronic anxiety, PTSD, etc...

Just to stop "cold turkey" is a prescription for almost immediate relapse for the majority of people.

I would also say that if you have any idea of ever being in the life of an alcoholic--you owe it to yourself and them to learn everything you possible can about the disease. This is so that you know what to expect. Knowledge is power. Of course, you need a program of some sort to work on yourself. Your role in the relationship is just as important as his/hers---even if you don't think so, at first.

I am offering this as simple info. and food for thought for you. This comes from my personal opinions and experience.

sincerely,
dandylion

shari07

Thank you everyone, your words helped so much. I knew that he couldn't do it on his own, and I didn't ask him to do it cold turkey. That was his idea, I worried everyday about him being in psychical and psychological pain. He said he didn't believe in AA a long time ago said if he was going to do it he would do it on his own, which I know that's not possible. And he's not asking for another chance he's acting like he doesn't care and is going along with his life happily. Sometimes I think that's the part the hurts the most, but I have been reading and talking to people that have been through this and I know he's just drinking more and is numb....... I know this, but at some moments it's hard to make my mind understand it. Thanks again everyone, I'll keep reading these posts and rereading them when I doubt myself. I hate addiction and I know everyone on here does too.