what to say?
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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what to say?
My BF is over three months sober and had been doing really well. This week he's down and I can tell he's struggling. He started a new job after not working much for about a year. It's physically challenging and an adjustment. He's hasn't wanted to talk so I've been leaving him to himself. He just texted me: "Freaking out at work. I need meds. I can't do this **** yet all clean and sober. I'm losing it."
I texted back that I'm sorry he's having a rough time and that I love him. I suggested he call his therapist and psychiatrist tomorrow, and try to get together with his sponsor. I don't know what else to say. I'll see him later when I pick him up at work, but I am at a loss. It's not that I don't care but I am not going to get emotionally entangled in his mental issues again. Things are going well with me and I don't want to **** that up.
I can tell he is barely keeping his head above water right now. I want to be supportive but I'm not sure how.
I texted back that I'm sorry he's having a rough time and that I love him. I suggested he call his therapist and psychiatrist tomorrow, and try to get together with his sponsor. I don't know what else to say. I'll see him later when I pick him up at work, but I am at a loss. It's not that I don't care but I am not going to get emotionally entangled in his mental issues again. Things are going well with me and I don't want to **** that up.
I can tell he is barely keeping his head above water right now. I want to be supportive but I'm not sure how.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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you don't have to DO anything. his struggle, his solution. he doesn't NEED meds...he is using any stressor as an excuse to use. that is addict thinking. he has to work this out for himself. he's a big boy.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
"I know you will work this out", or "You have the tools to handle this - you'll be ok"
I don't know, but I'm thinking about how I try not to rush in to rescue DD12 when she spins out, and what I say that aren't my suggestions. It means so much more for her to find her own solutions.
It must be so tempting to step in, but it's great that you are jealously guarding your OWN well-being during his difficult time.
Good luck RB
I don't know, but I'm thinking about how I try not to rush in to rescue DD12 when she spins out, and what I say that aren't my suggestions. It means so much more for her to find her own solutions.
It must be so tempting to step in, but it's great that you are jealously guarding your OWN well-being during his difficult time.
Good luck RB
Recovered People Pleaser
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Heart of Dixie
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There is also a difference between dry and in recovery. You don't indicate whether or not he is in a support group. When A's "get sober" it is a lifestyle change. There has to be something to replace the old playmates and playgrounds. My support might be in the form of encouragement for him to seek out a 12-step group, so that he would have a sponsor and a telephone list of contacts of like minded individuals and be surrounded by those who have had success in remaining sober for some length of time.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Va
Posts: 25
My Daughter is struggling ..and I believe may have relapsed..but she uses any excuse to do so.....she is married and has a 2 year old..but has decided she wants out of the marriage..sad to say she uses meeting s to meet men...im heartbroken...but cant and wont offer solutions..,,i must leave it in my higher powers hands.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
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The HALTS (my counselor said the S is necessary for sick, sad or stressed) acronym comes to mind but I'm not sure if we're supposed to say that to them of if they're supposed to figure that out on their own. Or is that codie and controlling to suggest what they're supposed to do by reminding him of HALT? I think offering him sympathy and love was the best thing you could do. If he's struggling he has all of the tools available to him to cope.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
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I don't know, I think you said the right things, Readerbaby. As you've said, it is his battle, he has to figure it out. Just knowing you're in his corner, loving and supporting him through it should be all he needs from you. The rest is all him.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Readerbaby71---I think your suggestion to contact his therapist or psychiatrist was just fine. Actually, he has a sponsor, also to take his issues to (or he should), and he can also go to a meeting when he needs extra help. If he starts "dumping" on you--I think it is fine to steer him toward these other sources of help.
Actually, you don't have to say much---just empathetic listening---with occassional "grunts" of empathy should indicate caring to him.....then, direct him to the therapist, psychiatrist, doctor, group meeting or sponsor.
If he persists in excessive "dumping" on you, finding a reason to leave the area would be one way to pull yourself out of the situation.
Early recovery is really, really tough on the non-alcoholic--just as it is for the recovering alcoholic. From my personal experience--as much separation as possible works best.
Actually, I think one year's separation with each working their respective programs should be the gold standard. In a perfect world........
If I had had to live with my adult son in early recovery----I wouldn't have. Thank God he was hundred's of miles away. Even phone conversations were difficult--because of his emotional volatility. I often had to say---I'm going to go....call me again, when you are in a better mood.
dandylion
Actually, you don't have to say much---just empathetic listening---with occassional "grunts" of empathy should indicate caring to him.....then, direct him to the therapist, psychiatrist, doctor, group meeting or sponsor.
If he persists in excessive "dumping" on you, finding a reason to leave the area would be one way to pull yourself out of the situation.
Early recovery is really, really tough on the non-alcoholic--just as it is for the recovering alcoholic. From my personal experience--as much separation as possible works best.
Actually, I think one year's separation with each working their respective programs should be the gold standard. In a perfect world........
If I had had to live with my adult son in early recovery----I wouldn't have. Thank God he was hundred's of miles away. Even phone conversations were difficult--because of his emotional volatility. I often had to say---I'm going to go....call me again, when you are in a better mood.
dandylion
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Halts
Originally Posted by Stung 
The HALTS (my counselor said the S is necessary for sick, sad or stressed) acronym comes to mind but I'm not sure if we're supposed to say that to them of if they're supposed to figure that out on their own. Or is that codie and controlling to suggest what they're supposed to do by reminding him of HALT? I think offering him sympathy and love was the best thing you could do. If he's struggling he has all of the tools available to him to cope.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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I was thinking along the same lines as dandylion - he should be contacting his sponsor with that issue. If you want help, you contact your sponsor. If you want enabling, you contact your enabler.
Good for you for referring him to where he should have gone in the first place.
Good for you for referring him to where he should have gone in the first place.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by lillamy
I was thinking along the same lines as dandylion - he should be contacting his sponsor with that issue. If you want help, you contact your sponsor. If you want enabling, you contact your enabler.
Good for you for referring him to where he should have gone in the first place.
Good for you for referring him to where he should have gone in the first place.
Should be a joke, but not really. (like most of my stuff on here)
Knew I had to get serious on me when I figured out I had Mrs. Hammer's Sponsor on Hot-Button-Speed-Dial on my phone . . . and did not even have my Sponsor in phone book.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Thanks, all. I had a
I think because him working late at night is triggering me and bringing back bad memories of him disappearing and not coming home for days. Also, text is a horrible form of communication. He DID call his sponsor yesterday. He IS working through it. His text was just a vent. Last night he worked with a guy who didn't do anything but stand around and text so it took them much longer to close and he was pissed on top of really having a hard time emotionally.
We talked about it and all is well. I told him the whole situation was triggering me and he understood. He's going to call his sponsor everyday for a while. He made a good point about having to learn how to deal with people again after almost 10 years of heavy drinking. It isn't easy for anyone, let alone someone who has tuned out for that long. Things are actually going really well for both of us right now but some days are going to be rough. That's life.
I am so used to jumping to crisis mode. Just as he's learning to deal with the people and world around him, I am learning to deal with the new dynamic we're trying to form in our relationship.
I am not going to beat myself up. My perception was my perception and even though I tried to look at the reality of the situation my thinking was clouded by assumptions and emotion. Time to learn from it and find a better way so I don't REact so much.
I think because him working late at night is triggering me and bringing back bad memories of him disappearing and not coming home for days. Also, text is a horrible form of communication. He DID call his sponsor yesterday. He IS working through it. His text was just a vent. Last night he worked with a guy who didn't do anything but stand around and text so it took them much longer to close and he was pissed on top of really having a hard time emotionally. We talked about it and all is well. I told him the whole situation was triggering me and he understood. He's going to call his sponsor everyday for a while. He made a good point about having to learn how to deal with people again after almost 10 years of heavy drinking. It isn't easy for anyone, let alone someone who has tuned out for that long. Things are actually going really well for both of us right now but some days are going to be rough. That's life.
I am so used to jumping to crisis mode. Just as he's learning to deal with the people and world around him, I am learning to deal with the new dynamic we're trying to form in our relationship.
I am not going to beat myself up. My perception was my perception and even though I tried to look at the reality of the situation my thinking was clouded by assumptions and emotion. Time to learn from it and find a better way so I don't REact so much.
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Originally Posted by readerbaby71
Thanks, all. I had a I think because him working late at night is triggering me and bringing back bad memories of him disappearing and not coming home for days. Also, text is a horrible form of communication. He DID call his sponsor yesterday. He IS working through it. His text was just a vent. Last night he worked with a guy who didn't do anything but stand around and text so it took them much longer to close and he was pissed on top of really having a hard time emotionally.
We talked about it and all is well. I told him the whole situation was triggering me and he understood. He's going to call his sponsor everyday for a while. He made a good point about having to learn how to deal with people again after almost 10 years of heavy drinking. It isn't easy for anyone, let alone someone who has tuned out for that long. Things are actually going really well for both of us right now but some days are going to be rough. That's life.
I am so used to jumping to crisis mode. Just as he's learning to deal with the people and world around him, I am learning to deal with the new dynamic we're trying to form in our relationship.
I am not going to beat myself up. My perception was my perception and even though I tried to look at the reality of the situation my thinking was clouded by assumptions and emotion. Time to learn from it and find a better way so I don't REact so much.
I think because him working late at night is triggering me and bringing back bad memories of him disappearing and not coming home for days. Also, text is a horrible form of communication. He DID call his sponsor yesterday. He IS working through it. His text was just a vent. Last night he worked with a guy who didn't do anything but stand around and text so it took them much longer to close and he was pissed on top of really having a hard time emotionally. We talked about it and all is well. I told him the whole situation was triggering me and he understood. He's going to call his sponsor everyday for a while. He made a good point about having to learn how to deal with people again after almost 10 years of heavy drinking. It isn't easy for anyone, let alone someone who has tuned out for that long. Things are actually going really well for both of us right now but some days are going to be rough. That's life.
I am so used to jumping to crisis mode. Just as he's learning to deal with the people and world around him, I am learning to deal with the new dynamic we're trying to form in our relationship.
I am not going to beat myself up. My perception was my perception and even though I tried to look at the reality of the situation my thinking was clouded by assumptions and emotion. Time to learn from it and find a better way so I don't REact so much.
You're both learning. My husband's counselor said he still calls his own sponsor every day. It's how he starts his days - good, bad or anywhere in between.
Do you have a sponsor? I haven't found one for myself. Reading this thread I realize I need to. It'd be easy to have the codie feelings, even if I was trying to step back from it.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Originally Posted by keepingthefaith
You're both learning. My husband's counselor said he still calls his own sponsor every day. It's how he starts his days - good, bad or anywhere in between.
Do you have a sponsor? I haven't found one for myself. Reading this thread I realize I need to. It'd be easy to have the codie feelings, even if I was trying to step back from it.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
RB, I think you are doing great and that was the perfect response. The thing we have to learn is that we are too tied to the situation to be of much help except to do just what you did, kindly remind him he can do it and to utilize his therapist and sponsor.
You are doing great!
Tight Hugs!
You are doing great!
Tight Hugs!
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