what to say?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
If he was venting without expectation of you doing anything about it or directing the vent AT you, and he used his program (reaching out to his sponsor, etc.) then it sounds fairly reasonable to me. When you are explaining that you are triggered & trying to not overreact & he doesn't take it personally, I think that's great progress. This is the nuts & bolts of readjusting, IMO - we go through a bunch of little similar situations in our world too.
I still go through the exact same trigger more often than I'd like when RAH is out super late even when he is at meetings, which is terrible. (he would also fall off the grid in the old days & stop checking in) I had to really get a grip on it from my side, but he also had to learn to be more transparent & accountable to checking in when he expects to run late. It's basic respect & I'd rather know he's struggling but OK than wonder where he might possibly be when I wake at 3 am & he should have been home hours earlier.
And yes - text as form of communication is sucktacular at those times. There is a fine line between communicating our frustrations & dumping all over someone else too. RAH is terrible at expressing himself with words & it took him a while to be able to better express himself so that he wasn't "dumping" on me as much as he was "explaining" which in turn helped me to react less, listen without expectation of solving anything & stopped triggering that crisis feeling.
Not that it always goes so smoothly, big bumps in the road come along & one or the other of us forgets & steps back into old behaviors but we also have developed gentle ways of pointing it out to each other. Like, when I feel like a conversation is going off the tracks & escalating into an argument because we're missing each other's points, I'll say "hang on, can I buy a vowel??..." to break the tension & then ask him to calmly restate his point so I can better understand. On his side, I have noticed him taking deep breaths, focusing more on not yelling/escalating things, "dropping the rope", & sometimes, gently but firmly calling me out on my attitude when I'm the one crossing the line. It's interesting to see the tables turned & myself being "handled" like that & it's probably how he must've felt when I first utilized detachment, etc.
I know it has to at least somewhat be the result of his meetings & working his program because it's completely new behavior in the last few months.
IDK - we are a work in progress with 2 very imperfect people in very different points of & approaches to recovery. Truth is NOTHING works 100% of the time & that's why we need many tools in our arsenal to draw from.
I still go through the exact same trigger more often than I'd like when RAH is out super late even when he is at meetings, which is terrible. (he would also fall off the grid in the old days & stop checking in) I had to really get a grip on it from my side, but he also had to learn to be more transparent & accountable to checking in when he expects to run late. It's basic respect & I'd rather know he's struggling but OK than wonder where he might possibly be when I wake at 3 am & he should have been home hours earlier.
And yes - text as form of communication is sucktacular at those times. There is a fine line between communicating our frustrations & dumping all over someone else too. RAH is terrible at expressing himself with words & it took him a while to be able to better express himself so that he wasn't "dumping" on me as much as he was "explaining" which in turn helped me to react less, listen without expectation of solving anything & stopped triggering that crisis feeling.
Not that it always goes so smoothly, big bumps in the road come along & one or the other of us forgets & steps back into old behaviors but we also have developed gentle ways of pointing it out to each other. Like, when I feel like a conversation is going off the tracks & escalating into an argument because we're missing each other's points, I'll say "hang on, can I buy a vowel??..." to break the tension & then ask him to calmly restate his point so I can better understand. On his side, I have noticed him taking deep breaths, focusing more on not yelling/escalating things, "dropping the rope", & sometimes, gently but firmly calling me out on my attitude when I'm the one crossing the line. It's interesting to see the tables turned & myself being "handled" like that & it's probably how he must've felt when I first utilized detachment, etc.
I know it has to at least somewhat be the result of his meetings & working his program because it's completely new behavior in the last few months.IDK - we are a work in progress with 2 very imperfect people in very different points of & approaches to recovery. Truth is NOTHING works 100% of the time & that's why we need many tools in our arsenal to draw from.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Originally Posted by Stung 
The HALTS (my counselor said the S is necessary for sick, sad or stressed) acronym comes to mind but I'm not sure if we're supposed to say that to them of if they're supposed to figure that out on their own. Or is that codie and controlling to suggest what they're supposed to do by reminding him of HALT? I think offering him sympathy and love was the best thing you could do. If he's struggling he has all of the tools available to him to cope.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Originally Posted by FireSprite
If he was venting without expectation of you doing anything about it or directing the vent AT you, and he used his program (reaching out to his sponsor, etc.) then it sounds fairly reasonable to me. When you are explaining that you are triggered & trying to not overreact & he doesn't take it personally, I think that's great progress. This is the nuts & bolts of readjusting, IMO - we go through a bunch of little similar situations in our world too.
I still go through the exact same trigger more often than I'd like when RAH is out super late even when he is at meetings, which is terrible. (he would also fall off the grid in the old days & stop checking in) I had to really get a grip on it from my side, but he also had to learn to be more transparent & accountable to checking in when he expects to run late. It's basic respect & I'd rather know he's struggling but OK than wonder where he might possibly be when I wake at 3 am & he should have been home hours earlier.
And yes - text as form of communication is sucktacular at those times. There is a fine line between communicating our frustrations & dumping all over someone else too. RAH is terrible at expressing himself with words & it took him a while to be able to better express himself so that he wasn't "dumping" on me as much as he was "explaining" which in turn helped me to react less, listen without expectation of solving anything & stopped triggering that crisis feeling.
Not that it always goes so smoothly, big bumps in the road come along & one or the other of us forgets & steps back into old behaviors but we also have developed gentle ways of pointing it out to each other. Like, when I feel like a conversation is going off the tracks & escalating into an argument because we're missing each other's points, I'll say "hang on, can I buy a vowel??..." to break the tension & then ask him to calmly restate his point so I can better understand. On his side, I have noticed him taking deep breaths, focusing more on not yelling/escalating things, "dropping the rope", & sometimes, gently but firmly calling me out on my attitude when I'm the one crossing the line. It's interesting to see the tables turned & myself being "handled" like that & it's probably how he must've felt when I first utilized detachment, etc. I know it has to at least somewhat be the result of his meetings & working his program because it's completely new behavior in the last few months.
IDK - we are a work in progress with 2 very imperfect people in very different points of & approaches to recovery. Truth is NOTHING works 100% of the time & that's why we need many tools in our arsenal to draw from.
I still go through the exact same trigger more often than I'd like when RAH is out super late even when he is at meetings, which is terrible. (he would also fall off the grid in the old days & stop checking in) I had to really get a grip on it from my side, but he also had to learn to be more transparent & accountable to checking in when he expects to run late. It's basic respect & I'd rather know he's struggling but OK than wonder where he might possibly be when I wake at 3 am & he should have been home hours earlier.
And yes - text as form of communication is sucktacular at those times. There is a fine line between communicating our frustrations & dumping all over someone else too. RAH is terrible at expressing himself with words & it took him a while to be able to better express himself so that he wasn't "dumping" on me as much as he was "explaining" which in turn helped me to react less, listen without expectation of solving anything & stopped triggering that crisis feeling.
Not that it always goes so smoothly, big bumps in the road come along & one or the other of us forgets & steps back into old behaviors but we also have developed gentle ways of pointing it out to each other. Like, when I feel like a conversation is going off the tracks & escalating into an argument because we're missing each other's points, I'll say "hang on, can I buy a vowel??..." to break the tension & then ask him to calmly restate his point so I can better understand. On his side, I have noticed him taking deep breaths, focusing more on not yelling/escalating things, "dropping the rope", & sometimes, gently but firmly calling me out on my attitude when I'm the one crossing the line. It's interesting to see the tables turned & myself being "handled" like that & it's probably how he must've felt when I first utilized detachment, etc.
I know it has to at least somewhat be the result of his meetings & working his program because it's completely new behavior in the last few months.IDK - we are a work in progress with 2 very imperfect people in very different points of & approaches to recovery. Truth is NOTHING works 100% of the time & that's why we need many tools in our arsenal to draw from.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by readerbaby71
FS, I am hoping the more I try the exercise you gave me the other day, the better it will get. I didn't have much luck with it last night. LOL!
It's flat-out, freaking, fracking, HARD. And you are both in early recovery, right?
Some days I just wanted to toss everything up in the air, some days I could dig in. Some days I felt like my head would spin off, others I felt so centered & on course. For the first 3 months it was just about getting through that day, and then it was Today & Tomorrow, etc. Hang in there, sending you lots of positive vibes today!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
A sponsor isn't there just for the bad days. A sponsor is someone to call often, check in with and also share the small good things in life. Do not text. Pick up the phone and call. Personal contact is important. If this isn't working for you with your current sponsor, think of this one as temporary and keep looking for the right one. 
I was told it works both ways. You never know how much that contact will also mean for your sponsor. It can be another facet of working their own program.
I was told it works both ways. You never know how much that contact will also mean for your sponsor. It can be another facet of working their own program.
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