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-   -   things i will miss and not miss (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/322795-things-i-will-miss-not-miss.html)

blake1989 02-13-2014 03:03 PM

things i will miss and not miss
 
I will admit to you that I am having a crushingly hard time with no contact. Not because I want to jump back into the fire, but because I'm 35 and this was a plan for the rest of our lives, and it ended with a 3 minute phone conversation in which I told her she hit me, she hung up on me abruptly, and the texts, voicemails and emails asking for second chances started until I finally deleted every trace of myself digitally. I now have a handwritten letter saying the words I thought I'd never hear: "I'm seeking help." I stayed true to the advice I received and did not respond, to anything. She never received an explanation and now says she's seeking help supposedly. I have been radio silent. There is something in the ether that seems wrong about this, but I know you will say I must watch out for myself now. I have had a peace, a sad peace, that I haven't had for nearly a year. She has said her piece many times. I never got to say mine. maybe that's what SR is for. I wish she could hear my side. but I'm silent because it might ignite more things.

So please, tell me this is a codependent exercise, please point out the faults in my thinking. But this 'inventory' is something I need to get out.

I will miss:

The two or so weeks when she quit drinking and we bought plants for her new apartment, we made dinners together, we talked about the future and getting a place together
The weekends when she never drank
Our sacred starbucks outings
So many odd coincidences that convinced me it was kismet, for example we were born at the same exact time, or maybe this just added to our magical thinking
How she'd wake up super early before me when she didn't drink and get us donuts and coffee
Her compassion for animals
Her encyclopedic knowledge of music and her honest to god critiquing of my own music
Her kindness to strangers (well most of the time)
Her loyalty to her family (always)
Her core decency
Her artistic prowess
Her loyalty to me and how proud she was of my work (never had that. is that validation i sought?)
The beautifully arranged home she kept
The way she knew how to heal others, like she was meant to be a nurse, her actual profession. It just didn't translate for her personally.
Her meticulous attention to detail that translated into a fashion sense that was unique, expressive and impeccable
The promise of a life together

I cannot miss:

Being hit in the face when I said I love you
Being beaten repeatedly with her purse in public
That fear of being stabbed if she had too much wine
Talk of needing a gun
Helping her home because she couldn't walk
Her lying in a busy street crying
Her forgetting who I was, then trying to make love to me
Jumping for joy when she didn't drink a whole weekend
Racking up a list of restaurants in my neighborhood I'm no longer allowed to frequent
Her asking if I'm 'sure' I want to drive to her in the rain, or the dark, because I knew she just wanted to drink alone that night
Her telling me she's 'moving slowly' on weekend mornings when she was supposed to visit me, because she's trying to get her drinking in before seeing me
Her smuggling water bottles of white wine into my apartment with paper towels held onto them by rubber bands
Her calling my neighbor a 'stupid c word' through the air vent because my neighbor was talking loud
Her opening all my kitchen cabinets claiming I must be hiding some liquor somewhere
Her abruptly attempting to drive to liquor stores at midnight even though they closed long ago
Taking her keys from her when she had too much
Her talking about her exes in extreme detail when she got drunk
Her getting in verbal shouting matches with girls that looked at her, or me, 'wrong'
Being manipulated into walking on the train tracks near her apartment when she just wanted to go to the liquor store
The stranded feeling of watching movies alone for hours at her apartment while she slept till 8pm from all the nausea of drinking 2 boxes of wine
Being threatened to be punched when I tried to hug her
Worrying about whether her kidney stones were the first physical manifestation of her drinking I was actually witnessing
My consant diarrhea from the anxiety of wondering if she'll hit me or if tonight is a quiet night
Taking anxiety meds just to sleep next to her
Her obsession with female porn stars
Her heroin addicted cousin
The chain smoking

Hammer 02-13-2014 03:11 PM

Missed One . . .

YOU SUCK!

ok. That should about fill it out.

Sorry, Man.

------------------------

Very odd quote that sort of fits things like this sometimes.

“[it is sometimes] like being a jackass caught in a hail storm.

You've got to just stand there and take i
t.”

―Lyndon B. Johnson

Katiekate 02-13-2014 03:15 PM

Blake, the more you uncover here on the forum, the more convinced I become that getting away from her and staying away from her is exactly what you need to do.

I'm glad you are clinging to no contact, it can be so difficult at times.

You have been through so much. She is very unstable, not your responsibility.

Hang in.

love to you Katie

readerbaby71 02-13-2014 03:17 PM

phone conversation in which I told her she hit me

This fragment of a sentence is enough of an explanation. She knows what the problem is/was. Being an alcoholic and mentally ill doesn't make her a bad person. No one is all bad but she is very, very troubled. I'm so sorry Blake. :(

OnawaMiniya 02-13-2014 03:18 PM

I'm sorry you are aching. Sending you big hugs. You can make it through.

You didn't deserve to be treated so poorly.

It really sucks, thinking about what "could have been", "if only...".

Peace.

Recovering2 02-13-2014 03:24 PM

Cons definintely outweigh the Pros. You are grieving, that's okay. I heard someone in Alanon say once, "It's okay to look back, just don't stare." In other words, we can't help but look back on old times when we leave these relationships. But don't get fixated, don't "stare". Move forward, keep your eye on the future. I respect that even though you're struggling, you're taking the wisdom offered here and remaining No Contact. You will look back in a year and thank yourself for finding the courage to do it.

Katiekate 02-13-2014 03:42 PM

"It's okay to look back, just don't stare."

This is awesome!

lillamy 02-13-2014 03:53 PM

So here's what I think...

I went over a similar pros and cons list while still married to AXH. And... well, there's an old poem somewhere that talks about how, when you are about to make a big life-changing decision, you need to do it by coin toss: Not so that a silly game of chance will determine the outcome, but the second you toss that coin in the air, you will know what outcome you wish for.

The first time I made the list in my head, I for sure wanted the "pros" to outweigh the "cons"... the second time, my list looked similar to yours. But what I realized was that even if the "pros" list had been a mile long, the "cons" were serious enough that it didn't matter. It didn't even matter what my hopes were. What mattered was that I was in a relationship with a person who had the capacity to hurt me, even kill me. Not in that "we all have the capacity for violence, given the right circumstances" but someone who had already started making those capacities actual reality.

When your life is at stake, ain't a whole lot else that actually matters.
It hurts.
That means you're alive.
And let me tell you, 35 is no age on a good horse... :) My single girlfriends tell me that they're pretty happy that there are men out there who have been through a bad marriage/serious relationship and know what they don't want. I know you're far away from thinking of dating again (and if you're anything like me, you may even have sworn off relationships for FOREVER) -- but the hurt will lessen. You'll have scars. That means you've lived. And there will be people who will appreciate you and love you not DESPITE the scars, but because of them, and because of what they have taught you.

Take care of yourself.

Raider 02-13-2014 03:53 PM

I'm sorry. Good luck.

SeasonlessWorld 02-13-2014 03:54 PM

"I will admit to you that I am having a crushingly hard time with no contact. Not because I want to jump back into the fire, but because I'm 35 and this was a plan for the rest of our lives"
I can really relate to this because I'm 36 and really thought he was the one. But it's better to start over at 36 than at 46 with kids and a mortgage in tow. I miss him a lot too, it would hurt too much to type it all out. Remember it's ok to have a hard time moving on your human and don't have much support where you live. You have come a far way already, in his poem "on good and evil" Khalil Gibran wrote "even those who limp go not backward". He is talking about all of us here on SR limping towards sanity and self awareness. Please take care of yourself Blake we are all limping along with you.

Pipefish 02-13-2014 04:25 PM

Blake, have been reading your other thread on this situation, and am really happy to see this post, as things seem to be shifting, and it was so good to see your observation that it is you are who struggling with no contact. It is though the best possible, and most loving thing you can do for you, and for her.

Having a talent (ahem) for stating the obvious, I noticed that your 'will not miss' list, is so much longer than your 'will miss' list. Hmmmm....;-)

As another contributor posted above, your ex-girlfriend is not a well person, and is not, and most probably was not the whole time, able for a relationship of the kind both of you deserve. Genuinely, trying to do anything like a meaningful relationship is a really tough call with a drinking alcoholic, and the saying that it is a family illness (even if not blood) is true, because one form or illness sparks another. It's inevitable

Getting yourself in shape for that is a long road, in my experience, and what it takes is a willingness to look at myself, as that is the only person I can change, and really drill down into how my co-dependence manifests in relationships, and what I need to do differently. It's almost like your miss and won't miss list applied to my own behaviour in relationships!

Am sorry for your grief, and it is grief, because somehow loss of hoped for potential can be more painful than something concrete that actually was

Wish you well

JustAGirl1971 02-13-2014 05:14 PM

I have nothing to add except that I'm sorry :(

Katchie 02-13-2014 05:32 PM

I don't have any great words so let me say I am so sorry for your sadness and send warm hugs your way. You will heal.

AnvilheadII 02-13-2014 06:23 PM

blake....any ONE of the cons wipes out the pros. serious.

Her meticulous attention to detail that translated into a fashion sense that was unique, expressive and impeccable - great she could dress herself.

Being beaten repeatedly with her purse in public - great, was that a Couch or Gucci bag, part of her fashion sense????

The promise of a life together vs That fear of being stabbed if she had too much wine

blake, I think you built her up in your head...put her on a pedestal and gave her attributes she really did not posses. people who are good at their core do not DO any one single item on the con list, except maybe needing help navigating to home. the con list describes a dangerously unbalanced woman.

FlippedRHalo 02-13-2014 06:29 PM

I'm really proud of you Blake. You're so strong with getting through this. You're doing what I can't seem to accomplish. I crumbled when he said he can't live like this and I panicked that he was going to hurt himself. I picked up the phone. I don't know how to do it, I don't know how to walk away. I refused to see him tonight, so all isn't lost, but I feel emotionally shredded right now. He's promised me everything I've ever wanted to hear (except that he'll get real help). I want to believe it, but I don't and I don't know what's worse at this point... fooling myself that he was really going to change all those times or knowing now that he really isn't.

I can't stay and I can't walk away. God, I don't know how to do this and I just want to stop crying and hurting. You're doing the best thing you can do for yourself Blake. Don't talk to her. Please trust me on this. It really does just make it all so much worse and so much harder. I'm drowning all over again from my very own damn stupidity. The worst thing I could have done to myself was read his last desperate text and pick up that phone when it rang.

You're saving yourself - don't ever forget that.

blake1989 02-13-2014 06:47 PM

Just keep posting here Halo. We're here for you. I can tell that he has a pull on you like my ex has (working on had) on me. And Anvilhead's observations are not to be overlooked. It's so odd how I can say that yet still feel another thing. Geez I made those lists myself and anyone would see the insanity of it. Except me. Halo, my ex was in the hospital 3 times for gory suicide attempts many years ago. The fear that she'd hurt herself kept me from taking action for some time. It appears she's alive and well. Well enough to call me names on my voicemail, and send me everything, including nearly empty bottles of shampoo and 'we love our customers' hangers back to me, plus a note that she is seeking help.

When I was very new here, someone (maybe Hammer) replied to a thread of mine and said "it seems Blake has not had enough." I just wasn't 'getting it'. At that time, in my mind, I thought 'had enough? i can't get enough. why would i ever have enough?'. Months later I read it again and it made sense.

Halo, I only am doing this out of some spiritual navy seal survival mode I was driven to because it seems my body had enough. I was physically ill. I thought I might lose my job. I'm still waiting for my heart to catch up to all of it.

It is snowing outside. There is a fox behind my building in the snow.

That fox in the snow seems so much more beautiful than the horror I have watched in the past year.

readerbaby71 02-13-2014 07:04 PM


Originally Posted by blake1989 (Post 4469636)
It appears she's alive and well. Well enough to call me names on my voicemail, and send me everything, including nearly empty bottles of shampoo and 'we love our customers' hangers back to me, plus a note that she is seeking help.

Nah, she doesn't sound crazy at all......

:lmao

FlippedRHalo 02-13-2014 07:51 PM

Oh God Blake, I'm so sorry to hear that she's done that to herself and I can only imagine how tough it must be for you to fight that urge knowing her history. My best friend killed himself one night when he was very drunk and depressed. I had just finished an almost 24 hour shift at the hospital because of a storm lock-down (nobody could get in, so those of us there had to stay) when I walked in my door and my sister said I needed to call him and that he sounded really off. He had a history of depression and drinking and I figured that was what was going on. I was so exhausted and knew my son, who was only 3 at the time, was going to be up within hours and I just wanted some sleep. I decided not to call because I just didn't have the energy to listen to it all that night and figured I'd call him in the morning when he was sober. That morning never came. He shot himself that night. I hold that guilt like a knife in my chest daily, still, after all of these years. My mind knows that it probably would have happened eventually since he was so set on it, but my heart says that he only did it because he was drunk and so depressed and that I could have - should have - helped him that night. He was like a brother to me since we were young. He had a horrible, brutal childhood with a drug addicted mother and an extremely abusive father. I can tell myself anything I want to, but I'll always blame his death on myself. My ex knows this and I think he knows that the minute he mentions anything having to do with suicide, I go into an instant full blown panic attack. Like that can't breathe, someone's sitting on my chest, my throat is closing and my heart is pounding panic. I keep telling myself that he uses that against me to get me to talk to him and he knows that tactic works. But what if it's not that, what if he did do something? I couldn't live through that again. I ended up doing a 7 day hospital stay over that and I went into the deepest depression I think anyone could go into and come out of still alive. I'm getting anxious just writing about it. 5 years later, my ex-boyfriend ( we'd been broken up for 2 years and he was engaged to someone else, but we still remained good friends - we grew up together and dated all through high school and quite a few years after) killed himself after a night of drugs and alcohol. It was Christmas Eve. I'll never forget that call. It was like someone drop kicked me in the stomach. So, this is why I panic the second someone even remotely mentions hurting themselves.

I've been completely on my own since I was 16. I had a horribly depressed, emotionally abusive alcoholic mother and an physically abusive step-father. My real father was quite a piece of work as well. In the grand scheme of things, it takes a lot to knock me off my feet, but I can't get control of this situation for the life of me. How I'm keeping up with my studies is beyond me. I think it's my only escape at this point and I almost screwed that up Tuesday, but I won't. I wish I could just forget. Forget the great times, forget the closeness that we shared when he was sober, forget that he always told me that I was the only person he could trust, the only person he knew how to love. Yet, he verbally abused the hell out of me when he was drunk and angry, much like your ex. It's hard to make sense of it all, but I guess with them being alcoholics, we can't make sense of their logic. It's not the same as ours. There are glimpses of normal thinking, but they're only small rays of light here and there in so much darkness.

Fox are said to be the stealthy messengers of the gods in Celtic culture. Very appropriate and powerful that it showed up in your life tonight. Check this out....
The fox is a great guide when you are facing tricky situations. When the fox appears in you life, it encourages action and quick, swift moves. You may be called to take action in a way that shows your adaptability and ability to move quickly through obstacles and hard resistance.

Being inspired by a fox totem, you can work at developing the sharpness of your mental skills: Analytical intelligence, power of deduction, observation can come into play more powerfully in how you deal with emotional matters or bigger projects.

Stealthy messenger of the gods,
Cunning and wise, reliable friend,
Guide my steps through this maze of deception
And see this problem to its end.

Crazy, huh? Maybe you need to send him to visit me next. :)

I'm really proud of you - you're doing so good through this Blake, you really are. Your strength is inspiring. I hope you know that. I'm watching you get through this and hoping that somehow, soon, I find the path you're taking and start walking it too.

I'm still fighting... I'm trying so hard not to give in. I can't give in.

FlippedRHalo 02-13-2014 07:53 PM

Wow, I did NOT realize that was so long!! :hide

OnawaMiniya 02-13-2014 08:58 PM


Originally Posted by blake1989 (Post 4469636)
It's so odd how I can say that yet still feel another thing. Geez I made those lists myself and anyone would see the insanity of it. Except me.

The head and the heart have a hard time aligning when your emotions are invested sometimes. It is helpful to write things out and read them, asking yourself what you would think if someone else was explaining it to you as their own situation.


Originally Posted by blake1989 (Post 4469636)
When I was very new here, someone (maybe Hammer) replied to a thread of mine and said "it seems Blake has not had enough." I just wasn't 'getting it'. At that time, in my mind, I thought 'had enough? i can't get enough. why would i ever have enough?'. Months later I read it again and it made sense.

I've reread things too and had a different perspective.



Originally Posted by blake1989 (Post 4469636)
It is snowing outside. There is a fox behind my building in the snow.

That fox in the snow seems so much more beautiful than the horror I have watched in the past year.

One of my favorite animals. I think they are so beautiful. Just gorgeous.

Enjoy the peace.

Peace.

Edit: if the fox is still there, take a picture of it if you can, and look at it to remind yourself of the feeling of that moment. The peace of it.


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