theuncertainty

I can definitely relate; had the same emotional storm after leaving AXH. Christina, you see the pattern now. You didn't before. Please be gentle with yourself related to "letting" him have control. You didn't 'let' him have control. To let some one do something is decide to allow or permit it; "letting" him have control would have involved consciously handing it over to him. It was a dynamic that was set up as part of the relationship. Sometimes the way those get set up is so insidious that you don't even realize it and it's not a matter of 'letting' it happen. What matters is that you see it now. And since you see it, you can take steps to avoid it.

OnawaMiniya

People will do what they can get away with when they are users and abusers who only think of themselves. Then they get used to that dynamic.

Now that you see things more clearly, you can change the way you respond to him - including simply not responding at all!

He will have a s#!t fit at first; people don't like it when you get strong and create boundaries and take care of your own needs when they are users and abusers. But, he will eventually get used to the new dynamic.

Now, this is where your strength and resolve must come to the rescue. During this change of dynamics, you will be tested by him. Or, more accurately, your resolve will be tested. And it will be difficult. Just remind yourself often that change is not always easy, but it's worth the end result. If you need a reminder, come here and post.

Good luck to you, Hon. You can do this. Hugs.

Peace.

Recovering2

Don't feel disgusted, a lot of us have been in that same situation. Instead, be proud of yourself for recognizing what's been happening. Be proud of yourself for deciding to do things differently.

christinastar10

So today at work I get a call from him. He wants us to be a ‘Resemblance of a Family.’ So I ask him to define that? He said he wants us to be able to go places with our son as a family and hang out as a family. But not have a relationship.

I told him NO. I told him to please leave me alone. I told him he doesn’t understand how I am feeling and to please give me space. He was like why can’t you do that for our son? And told me that I was being an ass!! Really????

Why does he think he can have his family together and have his cake too????

CodeJob

He knows YOU want a family picture. It was what you fell for yesterday. Look how much you have grown in 24 hours!

christinastar10

Thank you Codejob!

I just cant believe what he is asking for. He was like you are going to start making me hate you? I was like ok. Why should I care about my feelings when he doesnt care about mine.

christinastar10

He is sure having a s#!t fit!! Already calling me an ASS. Saying that it doesnt have to be this way. He is going to fight me till the end!!

Seren

Hi christina! How are you today?

I'm sorry to hear that your ex is having a fit...this, too, shall pass. Perhaps keep the conversations down to just e-mail and only as it relates to your son. Anything else, just skim over and don't pay any attention to.

Remember, just because he tells you something or calls you something, doesn't mean it's true!

fourmaggie

time to get your back bone BACK...

have you started a journal on all the BAD stuff that HE keeps reeling you in...i say start dating them by memory and write these down...it will keep a visual for you on WHY YOUR ARE NOT WITH HIM ANYMORE....my best friend says it works....only you can be his doormat IF you let him...

time to set boundaries with yourself...

fourmaggie

famous quote i took from my sponor:


they will call you SELFISH because they know they can not manipulate you anymore

he will have a temper tantrum
he will manipulate you
he will prey on your vulnerablitity
he will intimidate you...
THEY ARE PERSISTENT

dont buy into this...set boundaries to AVOID any of this...block, hang up...not see him with out a friend with you(or a simple NO will work)

christinastar10

He is definitely trying to do the following. I ask please don't text me unless u need to. He starts texting more if we are in a long distance relationship. And of course it's always about our son and 95% of the time it's unnecessary.

OnawaMiniya

Hi Christina,

Remember, as hard as it is, you don't have to respond to him. He WANTS to get to you. He WANTS to make you question yourself, your judgement, your perception. Because if he can break you down, he thinks, maybe you will fall for some of his bull sh!t. He's just trying to suck you in any way he can.

Like I said, he's going to blow fits for a while, while you change how you respond to him. He will be mad that he can't get to you as much, or not at all. He will be angry that his ability to control you or what you feel and see is slipping away. He will try many things. He might cry, apologize, etc...and when that doesn't work, five seconds later he may launch into a tirade about how "awful" you are...just a big, selfish brat who tries for sympathy and then loses it when that doesn't work.

You deserve better treatment than that.

I know no contact isn't possible since you have a child. Just remember, you don't always have to respond to him. Give yourself a break from his bullsh!t now and then. Keep coming here and reading and writing. Eventually, it will be a bit easier to ignore his hissy fits (because he won't have an emotional hold on you), and it's quite possible that after sticking to your guns for a long time, he will realize he's not going to get anywhere with that ridiculousness, and he might tone it down.

Wishing you strength, serenity, clarity, and peace!

ShootingStar1

Christina, you are doing great. For me, getting out emotionally of my 20 year marriage with a then rageful abusive alcoholic was one step at a time. I'd try a different response to his manipulations and see how it went, and then course correct if I needed to. This is retraining ourselves to make more self caring behavior our new habit.

It is outrageous and mind boggling what they can do and think. My XAH told me before I left him that we could continue to live together and I could do the cooking, cleaning, laundry and all and he would snuggle with me at night. But I wouldn't be allowed to ask him where he went at night or question when he came home because he would be entitled to have other women. This seemed to him to be a reasonable set-up.

It kind of translates to "because I want it, I am entitled to it, and you are bad if you don't give it to me".

Needless to say, 20 months later, I am very happily divorced and living a peaceful life on my own with my little dog.

ShootingStar1

christinastar10

The way they think is mind blogging!! He wants his family together with him during the day. I guess he needs his fix. Then "hang out" with someone who is OK with everything. I know I can't live like this and living like this isn't right. The hardest part is getting out of the mess.

Like today he will have my son for about 6 hours. He will text me constantly. (Ex. How's your day going? He will text me how my son is doing.) It's annoying!

My friends will tell me "ooh he still loves you and wants to be with you. He is just lost and needs to find himself." That's the reason why I come to SR. I know he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with me. He's made that clear.

theuncertainty

Ewww. I think I'd stop talking to these friends about this issue for a bit. Some people just don't understand what it's like to be in a relationship - or trying to untangle from one - with an alcoholic/addict. It doesn't mean they're not your friends; it just means they don't need to be the one to try to give you advice about it.

After leaving AXH and having a fairly bad experience with one of the 2 guys I've dated since, I can say: I am not anybody else's life-line. I'm not here to help some one find themselves, or to find their way out of depression. I'm not here to take care of an adult while they *try*.

I've had to do the no-contact-with-AXH-while-still-having-contact-because-of-DS. I know how hard it is. I let my sister run interference for a while because it got to be too much. Unless the text messages contain valid questions about your kiddo's health, allergies, school, routines..., you do not need to respond. And if the messages contain other garbage besides questions that should be answered, respond to the questions, and ignore the garbage.

Hang in there.

MyBetterWorld

"Yes I need to not have contact with him. When I have my son, I will be blocking all calls and texts from him. "



Be careful of that.......he may block you when your son is with him.
That would probably provide you with a lot of anxiety. What I do is screen him....if it's gibberish or bs I don't reply. If it's something substantial to do with the kids, then I will reply when it's convenient.