Help! My fiancée is an alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Chanhassen, MN
Posts: 3
Help! My fiancée is an alcoholic
Hello everyone, this is my first post. I registered here because I have never in my life encountered alcoholism, or anyone who has it (that I know of), and my fiancée is an alcoholic. My friends and family are sick about the idea of us being married, but, when she's sober, she's the most amazing person I've ever encountered and I like to think that I'm willing to suffer through the worst of the downs to get to the blissful ups. She has gone to treatment, inpatient and outpatient, and is currently in DBT, one-on-one therapy sessions, and seeking an available sober living facility. She doesn't have a job, or a car, and her doctor recommended she seek and complete treatment before seeking employment, which I totally agree with. Long story short, she's doing everything she can to get sober. But it's a long waiting game, getting her the treatment she needs, and she's been filling in the gaps with binge drinking. I'm constantly finding vodka bottles stashed all over my house, she's nearly killed both of us driving me home from work a few times, and I'm struggling to figure out whether or not I'm equipped to handle everything that comes with this disease; if I'm really willing (or even able) to suffer through the worst of the downs. Knowing that she cares more about alcohol than about me hurts more than anything I've ever experienced. I love her to death, and she's come a really long way since I met her two years ago, but these relapses are killing me. I guess I don't really know what my question is, I just need some support. I haven't tried al-anon yet, and I'm not exactly sure what that is or how to get into it, so any advice to that effect would be helpful as well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Chanhassen, MN
Posts: 3
Also, my biggest worry is being suspicious of her, every day, forever. If she makes it through treatment, DBT, therapy, sober living, and goes to three AA meetings a day, I'll still be searching the house for bottles every chance I get, never fully believing that's she's sober. The whole idea of the two of us getting married is both gloriously thrilling, and absolutely terrifying. I'm indecisive as it is; this whole ordeal has been a nightmare from the moment I found out she was an alcoholic.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by vwagenjetta 
she's the most amazing person I've ever encountered and I like to think that I'm willing to suffer through the worst of the downs to get to the blissful ups.
The question to ask yourself is are you willing to suffer through the worst of the downs for the rest of your life? Because believe me, there might never come any blissful ups. And sometimes they come and go very quickly and you are back in the crap again. And this happens to some and next thing you know they are married to this person and now there are kids in the mix. And that is the next question to ask yourself. Do you want your kids to suffer thru the worst?
Being in recovery basically means you are in it for life. We will always, forever be alcoholics and there are no guarantees that we won't relapse. I make no promise to anyone because I can't. I get thru it one day at a time. I don't want to go back, but I can't predict the future.
I am sorry for sounding so negative, but the reality is that the recovery rate for us is very low. It is just really something you should think about, do research on it and joining Al-Anon would be a benefit to you as well.
I am sorry you are dealing with this and I do encourage you to post here you will get so much support and great advice here. The peeps here are great.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
I think what you really need to consider is whether or not you want to live the rest of your life with this person just as it is right now or worse, not with the hope of it getting better. Unfortunately, that is the reality. She may get better, but she may not. The odds are unfortunately that she will not. What she really needs to do is an internal job and for better or worse there is nothing you can do to fix this. Only she can do this. I have no advice, but only offer this as an unfortunate blunt reality that you need to consider in making your choices forward. We too many times make decisions with the idea or hope that things will get better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 129
Welcome to SR Vwagenjetta! i will post the same thing i posted a few weeks ago to someone asking a very similar question:
I hate that I have become so cynical, but RUN... seriously. There are MANY days that I wish I had known my wife's future as an alcoholic back when we were dating. it would have been SO, SO, SO much easier to have gotten off the crazy train back then. But after nearly 24 years of marriage, and 2 children, dealing with this disease now and the prospects of losing my marriage, among other things, has made this terrible disease my living hell.
You have your whole life ahead of you- don't start it out with someone with this disease- it will only bring you heartache.
I hate that I have become so cynical, but RUN... seriously. There are MANY days that I wish I had known my wife's future as an alcoholic back when we were dating. it would have been SO, SO, SO much easier to have gotten off the crazy train back then. But after nearly 24 years of marriage, and 2 children, dealing with this disease now and the prospects of losing my marriage, among other things, has made this terrible disease my living hell.
You have your whole life ahead of you- don't start it out with someone with this disease- it will only bring you heartache.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
You state, " Also, my biggest worry is being suspicious of her, every day, forever."
You simply do not trust her.
No trust = no relationship.
Alcoholics seem to possess these magical charismatic traits. Once upon a time I also met the most AMAZING, wonderful person. I just could not imagine my life without him.
When he was sober he had a heart of gold. Loving, kind, intelligent, giving, I could go on and on, but after about the third drink someone very unstable began to emerge.
For 5 years , I really tried to figure out why he thought he needed to drink every stinking day of his life. I really wanted to know what was so bad in his life, that he had to medicate with alcohol.
The bottom line, he liked to drink.
There were no skeletons of abuse or neglect in his closet, he simply like to drink. He told me he liked to drink. He told me he would NEVER quit, and yet I had envisioned a completely different life for us. You see, not only was I in denial, I did not know the first thing about addiction.
Education, opened my eyes, and after 5 years I began to realize that this beast was more powerful than me. There was no way, this side of hell, I could compete with his drug of choice.
Mr. Amazing, and the blackout, know it all, spiteful, drunk guy, = the SAME PERSON.
His disease was progressing right in front of me. Each day it seemed he was sinking deeper and deeper into his addiction. Within 2 to 3 hours of him getting out of bed he would start to drink.
His mind was controlled by alcohol, there were no sober, rational thoughts, his words were no longer his. My life had become one big fat LIE.
Only you can decide what is an acceptable standard of life. Perhaps, your family and friends concern for you and your situation need additional consideration on your part.
Currently, you are choosing to make important life decisions based on emotions and not FACTS.
I can only share that being involved with an addict is not a true, authentic relationship. They are not healthy, they are not normal, and if you allow it, her addiction is going to suck you in, and before you know it, you will be in a very, very dark place.
Hope you take the time and read around this forum, best to have all the FACTS, before proceeding into a marriage with an alcoholic, I would not wish that quality of life on anyone.
You simply do not trust her.
No trust = no relationship.
Alcoholics seem to possess these magical charismatic traits. Once upon a time I also met the most AMAZING, wonderful person. I just could not imagine my life without him.
When he was sober he had a heart of gold. Loving, kind, intelligent, giving, I could go on and on, but after about the third drink someone very unstable began to emerge.
For 5 years , I really tried to figure out why he thought he needed to drink every stinking day of his life. I really wanted to know what was so bad in his life, that he had to medicate with alcohol.
The bottom line, he liked to drink.
There were no skeletons of abuse or neglect in his closet, he simply like to drink. He told me he liked to drink. He told me he would NEVER quit, and yet I had envisioned a completely different life for us. You see, not only was I in denial, I did not know the first thing about addiction.
Education, opened my eyes, and after 5 years I began to realize that this beast was more powerful than me. There was no way, this side of hell, I could compete with his drug of choice.
Mr. Amazing, and the blackout, know it all, spiteful, drunk guy, = the SAME PERSON.
His disease was progressing right in front of me. Each day it seemed he was sinking deeper and deeper into his addiction. Within 2 to 3 hours of him getting out of bed he would start to drink.
His mind was controlled by alcohol, there were no sober, rational thoughts, his words were no longer his. My life had become one big fat LIE.
Only you can decide what is an acceptable standard of life. Perhaps, your family and friends concern for you and your situation need additional consideration on your part.
Currently, you are choosing to make important life decisions based on emotions and not FACTS.
I can only share that being involved with an addict is not a true, authentic relationship. They are not healthy, they are not normal, and if you allow it, her addiction is going to suck you in, and before you know it, you will be in a very, very dark place.
Hope you take the time and read around this forum, best to have all the FACTS, before proceeding into a marriage with an alcoholic, I would not wish that quality of life on anyone.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by vwagenjetta
I love her to death
Your love can't keep her sober; your love may very well be enabling her drinking. And her drinking could very well kill her. So yes, you might be loving her to death.
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
I'm just going to throw this out there--and maybe one of our experts can chime in.
Is alcoholism her only issue? DBT was initially created to deal with Borderline Personality Disorder, and not alcoholism. The fact that she is doing this may mean she is a dual diagnosis, and the road ahead much rockier than the average alcoholic. Getting sober may be the least of her problems.
Again, I don't know anything about her, but if this is the case, you ought to educate yourself before you make a lifelong commitment. You can check out the Borderline Thread in the Mental Health section of SR. Or search SR for that term.
I agree with those who say consider if you want this for life. It is possible that this is the best things will ever get. You aren't fully committed yet.
Is alcoholism her only issue? DBT was initially created to deal with Borderline Personality Disorder, and not alcoholism. The fact that she is doing this may mean she is a dual diagnosis, and the road ahead much rockier than the average alcoholic. Getting sober may be the least of her problems.
Again, I don't know anything about her, but if this is the case, you ought to educate yourself before you make a lifelong commitment. You can check out the Borderline Thread in the Mental Health section of SR. Or search SR for that term.
I agree with those who say consider if you want this for life. It is possible that this is the best things will ever get. You aren't fully committed yet.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
The whole idea of the two of us getting married is both gloriously thrilling, and absolutely terrifying.
the first part of your statement sounds like the FANTASY vision you hold of Happily Ever After and all that hoohah, while the second half sounds like your REALITY.
you say she's gotten better in the two years that you've known her....really? she's binge drinking now, you find empties everywhere, she almost killed you driving drunk, she has no job, a car, she's already BEEN to treatment, in one on one counseling AND looking at a sober living facility.......
whatever the future holds for HER she has a LONG LONG LONG road ahead of her. she may eventually succeed at sobriety, or she may continue her current pattern. i surmise that right now you are her sole means of support....and that she has taken to heart the recommendation to NOT seek employment for a long time. so she has NO means of support, is NOT self sufficient, and she is STILL drinking.....a LOT.
considering that marriage "should" be a merger of two partners, two equals, where's the equality here? have you really done more than be her caretaker? and have all YOUR efforts really changed a thing?
the first part of your statement sounds like the FANTASY vision you hold of Happily Ever After and all that hoohah, while the second half sounds like your REALITY.
you say she's gotten better in the two years that you've known her....really? she's binge drinking now, you find empties everywhere, she almost killed you driving drunk, she has no job, a car, she's already BEEN to treatment, in one on one counseling AND looking at a sober living facility.......
whatever the future holds for HER she has a LONG LONG LONG road ahead of her. she may eventually succeed at sobriety, or she may continue her current pattern. i surmise that right now you are her sole means of support....and that she has taken to heart the recommendation to NOT seek employment for a long time. so she has NO means of support, is NOT self sufficient, and she is STILL drinking.....a LOT.
considering that marriage "should" be a merger of two partners, two equals, where's the equality here? have you really done more than be her caretaker? and have all YOUR efforts really changed a thing?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Long story short, she's doing everything she can to get sober. But it's a long waiting game, getting her the treatment she needs, and she's been filling in the gaps with binge drinking. I'm constantly finding vodka bottles stashed all over my house, she's nearly killed both of us driving me home from work a few times,
If this is EVERYTHING she can do to get sober, then she's not going to get sober. "Filling the gaps" with binge drinking doesn't sound like she's very serious about recovery.
This would be a good time for you to set a boundary- she can no longer drive you or use your vehicle. I'm assuming it's your car, since she doesn't have one. If she crashes and is drunk, you could be liable for the damage. And if she kills you driving drunk, then what happens to your happily ever after? If you're not ready to let her go, at least protect yourself.
I would put the marriage plans on hold until she has one continuous year of sobriety under her belt. Every time she drinks, the engagement clock resets. This will help you not to rush into heartbreak. Why do you think that this is all you deserve from a relationship?
Alanon is a great idea for you. All you have to do is walk in the room. Everything else will take care of itself. Check out a couple of different meetings so you can find one that's right for you, just don't let her drive you.
If this is EVERYTHING she can do to get sober, then she's not going to get sober. "Filling the gaps" with binge drinking doesn't sound like she's very serious about recovery.
This would be a good time for you to set a boundary- she can no longer drive you or use your vehicle. I'm assuming it's your car, since she doesn't have one. If she crashes and is drunk, you could be liable for the damage. And if she kills you driving drunk, then what happens to your happily ever after? If you're not ready to let her go, at least protect yourself.
I would put the marriage plans on hold until she has one continuous year of sobriety under her belt. Every time she drinks, the engagement clock resets. This will help you not to rush into heartbreak. Why do you think that this is all you deserve from a relationship?
Alanon is a great idea for you. All you have to do is walk in the room. Everything else will take care of itself. Check out a couple of different meetings so you can find one that's right for you, just don't let her drive you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, vwagenjetta--glad you found your way here. You can get a lot of support, education and help from the good folks of SoberRecovery, and everything that's been posted here already is evidence of that.
Reading as much as you can here will help you understand what exactly you're up against regarding alcoholism. As others have mentioned, it sounds like you're a little short on facts, which is pretty much how most of us were when we first came here. Be sure to check out the stickied topics at the top of the page; you'll find a lot of good information there. Here's an example: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Regarding Alanon, here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Again, as others have said, all you need to do is show up at the meeting. I think you'll find the folks there to be warm, welcoming and understanding. There is no pressure or obligation to speak unless you feel you want to. The Alanon site offers some info about what to expect at a meeting, and the very first sticky at the top of the page deals with what an Alanon meeting is like also. While SR is a great community, it's a good idea to have some real-world support also, I feel.
Again, welcome. Please do everything you can to learn about alcoholism before committing to a life w/this woman. She does not sound at all ready to enter recovery, and your life w/her will likely be a downward spiral of lies, pain and insanity w/her. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and as another member said, this, right now, may be as good as it ever gets...
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Reading as much as you can here will help you understand what exactly you're up against regarding alcoholism. As others have mentioned, it sounds like you're a little short on facts, which is pretty much how most of us were when we first came here. Be sure to check out the stickied topics at the top of the page; you'll find a lot of good information there. Here's an example: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Regarding Alanon, here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Again, as others have said, all you need to do is show up at the meeting. I think you'll find the folks there to be warm, welcoming and understanding. There is no pressure or obligation to speak unless you feel you want to. The Alanon site offers some info about what to expect at a meeting, and the very first sticky at the top of the page deals with what an Alanon meeting is like also. While SR is a great community, it's a good idea to have some real-world support also, I feel.
Again, welcome. Please do everything you can to learn about alcoholism before committing to a life w/this woman. She does not sound at all ready to enter recovery, and your life w/her will likely be a downward spiral of lies, pain and insanity w/her. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and as another member said, this, right now, may be as good as it ever gets...
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Danae
I'm just going to throw this out there--and maybe one of our experts can chime in.
Is alcoholism her only issue? DBT was initially created to deal with Borderline Personality Disorder, and not alcoholism. The fact that she is doing this may mean she is a dual diagnosis, and the road ahead much rockier than the average alcoholic. Getting sober may be the least of her problems.
Again, I don't know anything about her, but if this is the case, you ought to educate yourself before you make a lifelong commitment. You can check out the Borderline Thread in the Mental Health section of SR. Or search SR for that term.
I agree with those who say consider if you want this for life. It is possible that this is the best things will ever get. You aren't fully committed yet.
Is alcoholism her only issue? DBT was initially created to deal with Borderline Personality Disorder, and not alcoholism. The fact that she is doing this may mean she is a dual diagnosis, and the road ahead much rockier than the average alcoholic. Getting sober may be the least of her problems.
Again, I don't know anything about her, but if this is the case, you ought to educate yourself before you make a lifelong commitment. You can check out the Borderline Thread in the Mental Health section of SR. Or search SR for that term.
I agree with those who say consider if you want this for life. It is possible that this is the best things will ever get. You aren't fully committed yet.
Holy Borderline, Batman!
In T for DBT even before they have her dried out?
Holy Crap.
You are correct -- the binges ARE to manage between bouts. Because what is behind the binge is even worse.
You think THIS is wild? Wait until you see what is there with Addictions and Alcohol removed.
You have No Idea, or the only reason you would even be pausing would be to tie your running shoes . . . . Run Boy Run.
Maybe do some background?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...er-thread.html
Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Chicago,il
Posts: 71
Realize it is tough given you love her and are engaged. Just some random thouhts for you. Best of luck as you sort through this.
Listen to your family members that know the situation a lot better than any of us.
Get yourself in therapy and alanon to help sort through why you are drawn to this dysfunction. Understand what lies ahead for the rest of your life.
Spend a few days reading threads on SR specifically in the family section. The reality is pretty grim. You can't change her and you could spend your life thinking you could change her. She can only do it herself and for herself.
Re-read your story aloud and pretend this was your best friend and his fiancé was doing this to him. How would you react and advise him?
Good luck whatever path you choose. You have the benefit of hearing from both supporters and addicts (I'm an alcoholic) so many different perspectives. The feedback might be difficult and not what you want to hear.....
Listen to your family members that know the situation a lot better than any of us.
Get yourself in therapy and alanon to help sort through why you are drawn to this dysfunction. Understand what lies ahead for the rest of your life.
Spend a few days reading threads on SR specifically in the family section. The reality is pretty grim. You can't change her and you could spend your life thinking you could change her. She can only do it herself and for herself.
Re-read your story aloud and pretend this was your best friend and his fiancé was doing this to him. How would you react and advise him?
Good luck whatever path you choose. You have the benefit of hearing from both supporters and addicts (I'm an alcoholic) so many different perspectives. The feedback might be difficult and not what you want to hear.....
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
The three C's of alcoholism: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. It is a progressive, chronic disease. The addiction will do amazing things trying to stay active. She's still drinking and has a tremendous amount of work to do on her own, both before and after drying out. Leaving her to work on this on her own, whether she does that or not, can actually be a gift. With no job and no car, does she have her own money or are you or her parents supporting her?
Work on yourself, let her work on herself and put off any wedding plans for a very long time.
Work on yourself, let her work on herself and put off any wedding plans for a very long time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Chicago,il
Posts: 71
Also suggest learning what you can about what uou are doing to enable her and also your codependency on her. I'm not an expert but there are a lot if issues here on many different levels.
Have you established any boundaries to stop the drinking? To stop the binges? To stop the booze in your house? If not - you need to start soon with setting boundaries. Without consequences.....hard for anyone to stop.
Have you established any boundaries to stop the drinking? To stop the binges? To stop the booze in your house? If not - you need to start soon with setting boundaries. Without consequences.....hard for anyone to stop.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Originally Posted by Blackhawkfan
Also suggest learning what you can about what uou are doing to enable her and also your codependency on her. I'm not an expert but there are a lot if issues here on many different levels.
Have you established any boundaries to stop the drinking? To stop the binges? To stop the booze in your house? If not - you need to start soon with setting boundaries. Without consequences.....hard for anyone to stop.
Have you established any boundaries to stop the drinking? To stop the binges? To stop the booze in your house? If not - you need to start soon with setting boundaries. Without consequences.....hard for anyone to stop.
Alanon is for you. To be able to learn how to take care of yourself. Find a meeting and go to at least 6-10 of them to start.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
You have to think of yourself here. It is your life and she may well get better because I did but, on the other hand, she may not. One thing I will say from someone from the other side, in my case I didn't love alcohol more than my partner, it must have seemed that way to him but I actually hated it and was simply addicted. So whatever you decide, don't think you aren't loved xxxx
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