Divorce vs. Marriage vows
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
My husband and I wrote our own vows. They included the words "to love, honor and cherish." I took our vows seriously, but at the end I realized that while he did love me, he absolutely did not honor and cherish me. You cannot honor someone while simultaneously abusing them.
And the "forsaking all others" part.... My husband's priority was alcohol. I was a bit clueless to the degree he was in trouble until after we'd separated. For a number of months, I thought he was having an affair. I later learned he was --- with vodka.
As someone said, marriage vows don't include a suicide pact. Living with active alcoholism is like dying a little bit each day.
And the "forsaking all others" part.... My husband's priority was alcohol. I was a bit clueless to the degree he was in trouble until after we'd separated. For a number of months, I thought he was having an affair. I later learned he was --- with vodka.
As someone said, marriage vows don't include a suicide pact. Living with active alcoholism is like dying a little bit each day.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
When I separated from my first husband (not an A, but boy was *I* a Codie Mess), I was shocked by how many people told me how "strong" I was for taking that step. How "brave". I did not understand -- I was lost, confused, spiraling out of control. Many moons later I asked one of those friends why they had said that to me (and truly expected her to tell me that I was such a mess she would have said ANYTHING to make me feel better). Her answer surprised me but now that all these years have passed it makes perfect sense. She said, "So many people stay in unhappy marriages because they are afraid of being alone."
Life is too short to deny yourself any opportunity for happiness. I know, as an atheist, it is easy for me to say that, and I don't mean any offense by it. For me, the pain of staying in an unhappy relationship had grown to outweigh the pain of facing the unknown.
Life is too short to deny yourself any opportunity for happiness. I know, as an atheist, it is easy for me to say that, and I don't mean any offense by it. For me, the pain of staying in an unhappy relationship had grown to outweigh the pain of facing the unknown.
Anyways I was talking with a gf about everything and about feeling so lonely. She asked how my relationship was going and I said something about being afraid to move on by myself as I didn't know if I'd ever find someone again ... and her answer struck a nerve in me ... she said "Aren't you alone already?" ... and you know, I have been. I have been a single parent for a long time ... hubby was so detached and focused on his own issues that he couldn't focus on anything here.
I don't believe he understands what I am feeling. I am fighting with depression right now and I believe he chalks it up to that. Being home only two weeks from rehab it isn't the time to bring up all the relationship issues. We are cohabitating and functioning, but we give each other our space and eventually I believe we will broach that subject. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't ... right now I just don't see that it will ...
Anyways ... it struck a nerve because I don't want to stay in a marriage just because I don't want to be alone. I can't do that and be a happy person ... as hard as it is to admit my marriage probably won't last, I have to follow my heart.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
Kdjom I completely understand. I know all to well the loneliness you speak of. I can also relate to not missing the A when he went to rehab. I got more accomplished the month he was away than I had in a long time.
I am at the point now, eyes wide open, that I am tired of dragging dead weight behind me while I am trying to live. Taken me a year of hard work and soul searching to get here.
He may not be drinking, but he is far from living.
I am at the point now, eyes wide open, that I am tired of dragging dead weight behind me while I am trying to live. Taken me a year of hard work and soul searching to get here.
He may not be drinking, but he is far from living.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's SUCH a hard decision to make. I held on for a very long time "in sickness and in health" and "for better or for worse". It was the toughest thing to be the one giving up...he's sick, right? How do you walk away? Some people said I'd know when the time was right. I don't think I really did- at least not in the way that makes it feel any easier.
But someone told me a year ago in the midst of my struggle- divorce papers don't make you divorced any more than a marriage certificate makes you married.
A simple phrase, but it stuck in my head and really helped me think. I didn't have a marriage. I was the only one truly living it, and that first piece of paper didn't matter. Through his choices and limitations, he had already left the "marriage". I was doing the work of both sides, and had been for a very long time. Marriage is not intended to be self-sacrifice. In God's eyes my husband had already divorced me. As much as it all still hurt (after 18 years) to consider a new life apart, clinging to the vows out of integrity was actually selling myself short and cheating me out of the life I was meant to live.
It was HARD. But strangely, the moment I signed the initial divorce filing, when I thought I'd feel sadness or regret...I suddenly felt more sure of anything than I had in years. I felt a huge burden lift. And that's in the midst of wondering how to unravel finances and hoping to move across the country with our kids!
Hugs to you. Listen in the quiet times- you'll hear your answer. I had a hard time listening for a while because the right answer wasn't the one I wanted to hear.
But someone told me a year ago in the midst of my struggle- divorce papers don't make you divorced any more than a marriage certificate makes you married.
A simple phrase, but it stuck in my head and really helped me think. I didn't have a marriage. I was the only one truly living it, and that first piece of paper didn't matter. Through his choices and limitations, he had already left the "marriage". I was doing the work of both sides, and had been for a very long time. Marriage is not intended to be self-sacrifice. In God's eyes my husband had already divorced me. As much as it all still hurt (after 18 years) to consider a new life apart, clinging to the vows out of integrity was actually selling myself short and cheating me out of the life I was meant to live.
It was HARD. But strangely, the moment I signed the initial divorce filing, when I thought I'd feel sadness or regret...I suddenly felt more sure of anything than I had in years. I felt a huge burden lift. And that's in the midst of wondering how to unravel finances and hoping to move across the country with our kids!
Hugs to you. Listen in the quiet times- you'll hear your answer. I had a hard time listening for a while because the right answer wasn't the one I wanted to hear.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Completely off this topic, but just wanted to say to Stung and JustAGirl1971 that I feel a deep kinship with you two. You guys have numerous times posted a topic or in your replies that have been so dead on to what I am going through. I am not sure if we would be sisters – or if our AH’s would be brothers, but our paths are definitely parallel at this point in our lives. So Thank You!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
One more thing- I am very spiritual and struggled so much with divorce. I don't believe in it. I take those vows very seriously. I prayed so long for God to help our family, help my husband, give me strength to stay in it and be supportive.
The minute I changed my prayer to ask him to show me His path for me...the path to divorce, a job in another state, the right housing in the exact place we wanted to live, and the finances to make it all happen fell right into place. Yes, it took some work, but I firmly believe He'd been hitting me over the head with it and I hadn't been listening. So if it helps, I believe God blessed my divorce tenfold and is pleased that I listened.
The minute I changed my prayer to ask him to show me His path for me...the path to divorce, a job in another state, the right housing in the exact place we wanted to live, and the finances to make it all happen fell right into place. Yes, it took some work, but I firmly believe He'd been hitting me over the head with it and I hadn't been listening. So if it helps, I believe God blessed my divorce tenfold and is pleased that I listened.
Recovered People Pleaser
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 391
For me vows are a two way street. A contract. If I made a vow to "love, honor and cherish" am I able to fulfill that part? If not, my vows are already broken and the rest is moot. If the other party has broken the vows I am also free from the contract. It's that simple.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Great thread for a question often asked...it could certainly qualify for sticky status.
A great book on this subject is Redemptive Divorce by Mark Gaither .
I a also believe organized religion misses the big picture of how God dealt with active sin and rebellion throughout all of scripture. He separated himself from his bride (Israel) until she repented and followed Him.
It was only when the consequences of their choices caused calamity they cried out to God and he would show up and rescue them. If they had lived like the devil in the land of milk and honey and God kept hugging on them and showering them with manna would their actions have ever changed?
These pastors who counsel to stay in miserable broken and abusive marriages and "love" the spouse despite evil behavior is silly and not what even Jesus wouldn't have put up with for second. Did Jesus run down the rich young ruler and beg him to let him come up with a different offer? No... And I think the marriage vows are the same... The offending spouse can get carried off to Babyon in my opinion and I think God agrees. And pastors are a new invention too! That's another thread....
Jehovah was not Codie....but he was forgiving and full of redemptive grace when authentic "recovery" was evident.
God hates divorce.... But he hates an unrepentant, cruel, selfish drunk who abuses his bride and his children even more!
Jesus gave His life for his bride...us.... That is the pattern for a husband. If he isn't ready to take a bullet for you then He is out of order scripturally. At my worse I wanted to shoot my A....
Is that a sin? Shoot I shoot him or divorce him? Let us pray....
I recommend the book highly....
A great book on this subject is Redemptive Divorce by Mark Gaither .
I a also believe organized religion misses the big picture of how God dealt with active sin and rebellion throughout all of scripture. He separated himself from his bride (Israel) until she repented and followed Him.
It was only when the consequences of their choices caused calamity they cried out to God and he would show up and rescue them. If they had lived like the devil in the land of milk and honey and God kept hugging on them and showering them with manna would their actions have ever changed?
These pastors who counsel to stay in miserable broken and abusive marriages and "love" the spouse despite evil behavior is silly and not what even Jesus wouldn't have put up with for second. Did Jesus run down the rich young ruler and beg him to let him come up with a different offer? No... And I think the marriage vows are the same... The offending spouse can get carried off to Babyon in my opinion and I think God agrees. And pastors are a new invention too! That's another thread....
Jehovah was not Codie....but he was forgiving and full of redemptive grace when authentic "recovery" was evident.
God hates divorce.... But he hates an unrepentant, cruel, selfish drunk who abuses his bride and his children even more!
Jesus gave His life for his bride...us.... That is the pattern for a husband. If he isn't ready to take a bullet for you then He is out of order scripturally. At my worse I wanted to shoot my A....
Is that a sin? Shoot I shoot him or divorce him? Let us pray....
I recommend the book highly....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Originally Posted by Praying
One more thing- I am very spiritual and struggled so much with divorce. I don't believe in it. I take those vows very seriously. I prayed so long for God to help our family, help my husband, give me strength to stay in it and be supportive.
The minute I changed my prayer to ask him to show me His path for me...the path to divorce, a job in another state, the right housing in the exact place we wanted to live, and the finances to make it all happen fell right into place. Yes, it took some work, but I firmly believe He'd been hitting me over the head with it and I hadn't been listening. So if it helps, I believe God blessed my divorce tenfold and is pleased that I listened.
The minute I changed my prayer to ask him to show me His path for me...the path to divorce, a job in another state, the right housing in the exact place we wanted to live, and the finances to make it all happen fell right into place. Yes, it took some work, but I firmly believe He'd been hitting me over the head with it and I hadn't been listening. So if it helps, I believe God blessed my divorce tenfold and is pleased that I listened.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I grew up being taught of a punishing God if I didn't behave God would punish me. If I didn't listen in church God would punishe me, if I lied God would punish me. I remember over hearing my mother and aunt talking about a neighbor who was very sick and dying a slow death, they said he was a mean SOB and now God is making him suffer for it.
I am greatful that I made a choice to move away from that punishing God thinking and found a more loving and forgiving one.
Had I not done that, I probably would still be married today and believing I was such a bad person and that God was punishing me with my cruel, uncaring and controlling husband.
I am greatful that I made a choice to move away from that punishing God thinking and found a more loving and forgiving one.
Had I not done that, I probably would still be married today and believing I was such a bad person and that God was punishing me with my cruel, uncaring and controlling husband.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971
Wow, Praying. I can relate to this. I have been praying for God's will, too, and I feel like it is to let go of my hubby. I pray back Jeremiah 29:11 and Ephesians 3:20 daily. If I'm being completely honest with myself, I believe my marriage was my Jonah moment - I've been running from whatever God's plan is for me and I ran straight into the arms of my AH. I've been swallowed and spit back out by the whale and I'm done running.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Ephesians 3:20
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Ephesians 3:20
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,
Thank you and Thank you Praying and Hopeworks for sharing. Your words have helped and touched me greatly.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
And then I go over to read my daily "Courage to Change" 02/14/14
https://www.facebook.com/couragetochangeodat
I love it when my HP speaks to me loud and clear (or maybe I am beginning to really listen?)!
https://www.facebook.com/couragetochangeodat
Confusion can be a gift from God. Looking back on instances when I felt desperately in need of an immediate solution, I can see that often I wasn't ready to act. When I became fully ready, the information I needed was there for the taking.
When I know too much about my options before the time is right to exercise those options, I tend to use the information only to drive myself crazy. That's why today, when I am feeling confused, I tried to consider it grace. It may not yet be time for me to act.
I think that dealing with confusion can be like cooking. If the bread isn't done, I don't take it out of the oven and insist it's time to eat. I let it finish baking. If the clear solution to a problem hasn't shown itself yet, I can trust that it will appear when the time is right.
Today's Reminder
I will thank my Higher Power for whatever I experience today, even if I feel troubled or confused. I know that every experience can offer me a gift. All I have to do is be willing to look at my situation in the light of gratitude.
"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content."
~ Helen Keller
When I know too much about my options before the time is right to exercise those options, I tend to use the information only to drive myself crazy. That's why today, when I am feeling confused, I tried to consider it grace. It may not yet be time for me to act.
I think that dealing with confusion can be like cooking. If the bread isn't done, I don't take it out of the oven and insist it's time to eat. I let it finish baking. If the clear solution to a problem hasn't shown itself yet, I can trust that it will appear when the time is right.
Today's Reminder
I will thank my Higher Power for whatever I experience today, even if I feel troubled or confused. I know that every experience can offer me a gift. All I have to do is be willing to look at my situation in the light of gratitude.
"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content."
~ Helen Keller
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,234
I believe, if my spouse had taken care
of my heart, then maybe our marriage
may have had a chance to survive
and not ended our 25yr marriage.
A marriage is a 2 way street. A give
and take. Communication, understanding,
respect and honesty.
We married in the Catholic Church not
knowing I was a true Alcoholic with a
horrible hangover that very morning.
However, after looking at my wedding
pictures, I saw the Sun had shown brightly
upon the the huge Cross above us over
the alter, now knowing God was ever
present looking on us that special day.
I thought too, that we'd be one of those
marriages that would stand strong thru
everything that had happened in our
marriage and sadly it didn't.
Everything in life I believe happens
for a reason and I don't question it
any longer.
I was blessed and guided threw trying
times, unhappiness and removed from
that marriage and placed in a new marriage
with 5 yrs. today on this Valentine's day
living happier, healthier, and most of all
honest.
The Man upstairs continues to shine
brightly upon us as I live my life to
the best of my ability following the
steps and principles in a program of
recovery set down for me each day.
of my heart, then maybe our marriage
may have had a chance to survive
and not ended our 25yr marriage.
A marriage is a 2 way street. A give
and take. Communication, understanding,
respect and honesty.
We married in the Catholic Church not
knowing I was a true Alcoholic with a
horrible hangover that very morning.
However, after looking at my wedding
pictures, I saw the Sun had shown brightly
upon the the huge Cross above us over
the alter, now knowing God was ever
present looking on us that special day.
I thought too, that we'd be one of those
marriages that would stand strong thru
everything that had happened in our
marriage and sadly it didn't.
Everything in life I believe happens
for a reason and I don't question it
any longer.
I was blessed and guided threw trying
times, unhappiness and removed from
that marriage and placed in a new marriage
with 5 yrs. today on this Valentine's day
living happier, healthier, and most of all
honest.
The Man upstairs continues to shine
brightly upon us as I live my life to
the best of my ability following the
steps and principles in a program of
recovery set down for me each day.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Jeremiah 29:11 is posted on my fridge! I also bought a set of dog tags for each of my boys for Christmas with this inscription. We had a good discussion about things where I reminded them God is there with every step and will never abandon them, and I also reminded them of all He's brought us through. (It's still hard, but they are SO MUCH better than a year ago. Progress.) One keeps it hung in his room, while the other never takes it off.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by Praying
Jeremiah 29:11 is posted on my fridge! I also bought a set of dog tags for each of my boys for Christmas with this inscription. We had a good discussion about things where I reminded them God is there with every step and will never abandon them, and I also reminded them of all He's brought us through. (It's still hard, but they are SO MUCH better than a year ago. Progress.) One keeps it hung in his room, while the other never takes it off.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Lyssy
Anyone from Celebrate Recovery want to share the view point of CR?
if I were to speak from the Celebrate Recovery side
adultery is for sure one bible approved reason for a divorce
also -- advice for the Christian man
to treat your wife as Christ loves the Church
step up to that one big boys
MB
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
