Katchie

I was asked this by my T today, or something similar. I couldn't answer her because I haven't answered that for myself yet. I'm just hurt and angry. Emotions I haven't really let myself feel until about 5 mo. ago or so. Some days I think I do then others I don't so much. That's a terrible answer isn't it??

Katchie

Well, as you can see, it's a sore subject for me too, one I wish I could forget, at least this year.
:c033

kdjom

It isn't a terrible answer, because it is so very true. Our emotions can be all over the map. If only it was so easy to just say I don't love you anymore and it is time to move on. There are so many factors to consider ... and honestly I believe many times we do still love our "person" ... we just don't love what they have become or what they are doing. It hurts like all get out and we want to feel compassion and make them better. Unfortunately even if they get better they are generally a changed person and life doesn't always continue as it started ... so don't feel bad for waivering or for just not knowing ... I don't know for sure either. I have a little more clarity after talking with my T today ... as I was feeling A LOT of guilt for feeling a desire to move on and have my own place with my girls. I was feeling guilty for feeling my feelings!!! I can't deny what I feel ... sadly the spark doesn't seem to be there anymore ... and I don't know if that spark can come back. It has been gone for so long and so much has changed ... I just don't know.

I do only live once .... but so do my kids and I have to put my kids best interests in there as well. It isn't just me I have to think about ... so sometimes I think that is why we waiver back and forth ... totally normal!

DesertArizona

Its not a terrible answer, in fact that notion probably exists in the vast majority of all relationships. Do you want to be spending so much of your life being hurt and angry?

Here is my take: Its very common for people to let a dying relationship linger simply because of familiarity, they are familiar and comfortable with that person, and they think it can be salvaged.

Every so often there is a good moment, so they hold on a little longer, then it gets worse, then another small good moment, and so on. That's the definition of a dying relationship... Please don't spend your life being so angry and hurt...

If the relationship is dying, put it to rest so it doesn't get any worse.

I don't know your situation though, those are just my thoughts and experience for you to use if you think you can.

JackieC

Like some of the rest of you, I make it all about the kids. We spent the last few days making valentines for their classmates and we'll bake cookies after school tomorrow. But then they go to their dad's house for the weekend. My big romantic plans for tomorrow night -- alone, watching a movie, ordering chinese food and snuggling with my kitties on the couch. Which sounds damn nice, actually.

I learned to manage my expectations for V Day in junior high when the student council had their annual "Carnation Sale" where students could buy a flower anonymously for other students. You can see where this is going... Of course I never got a flower either year and walking out of school that day, passing all the girls who had gotten so many flowers they could barely hold them all-- well, I figured I better buy myself my own flowers if I really wanted any. And THAT is exactly what I've done. And because I'm saving so much money not buying wine --I got myself a massage. Happy Valentines Day to me!

MariahGayle

Bah Hum Bug on Valentines Day

changeneeded

Like someone else mentioned, the only time I liked V day is when I was in grade school. We got to make/decorate construction paper envelopes. That envelope would hold cards that all the kids in class filled out at home. When I would sit at the table and fill out my own at home home, I would take special care to be sure that the boy I had a crush on, got a "special" card. One that said something like ..... I don't know, 3rd grade what did I know. Anyway, I loved it then.

When I got into middle school my dad would bring home all of us (family of girls) a rose. We would all sit in the dining room that was reserved for special occassions and have a nice meal.

When I hit my 20's I hated it and I have not changed my mind since. Why? Not because I want that romantic, gushy stuff and don't get it, but because it is waaaay too much pressure on everyone. Pressure on the man, because tv and movies make us all believe we will be getting that romantic, special gift. Pressure to women to get the sexy little outfit for our wonderful someone.

I say..... why just one day? Why don't we try every day to do this for our loved ones?

And Katchie, you're right..... going through those crappy cards that I DO NOT idtentify with at all!!!

So, I tell my hubby ...it's okay, I know you care. Now that I've discovered my voice, for the past year or so when these types of occasions come up I would just say: I don't want to go out and or away for the weekend and watch you drink. I can do that from the comfort of my own home.

It actually has changed him very slowly. Since our last big blow out fight, I'm actually starting to have good feelings for him rather than what I've been feeling.

Be well everyone,
Love your yourself today!

Katchie

Well, looks like I'll be going to a nice early dinner and a movie. It will be early enough that I'll be home between 8-9, so that is fine. I'll need to eat anyway and won't have to talk much during the movie. Hey, it will give me a chance to look nice and not like the mother of 4 teenage boys for a day!

HealingWillCome

Katchie, Happy Valentine's Day. I hope that your dinner is delicious and your movie is entertaining. Just enjoy it! And to everyone else here, Happy Valentine's Day!

Like any day, it will be what we choose to make it!

TotallyOut

Valentine's Day is just another day. If your good to the person your with all year you shouldn't celebrate it. I think a lot of people use this day as an excuse to make up for the rest of the year.

atalose

Like yesterday and like tomorrow, today I am my own Valentine. I have a happy peaceful and content life. Drama and drug free! The best gift for any holiday I have given myself.

This day last year I was given a bunch of cheep very dead flowers he happened to pick up while in the pharmacy gettings his pills. He also gave me a card but didn't sign it because the pills took affect. LOL

So glad I am NOT back there and so thankful to be just where I am at today.

CodeJob

I'm choosing to have a good day. I've got a pink sweater on. I ate a heart shaped bagel. I gave a simple card to RAH. I gave a geeky card to my son.

Brindie

Never been a big romance day in my calendar, but then neither were birthdays or Christmases or anniversaries. For Christmas me AH gave me a full wrinkle cream course of treatment! Ha ha. Not! Anyway, today I am in my fourth week since I left, here alone in a big empty house with the dogs, roaring fire and peace and quiet. Result. AH is meanwhile in a psychiatric unit, depressed and suicidal, admitted 5 days ago. Mixed feelings - hope he gets better of course, but angry more than ever at his years of abuse and neglect. Why am I feeling guilty about being so angry when he is in this situation? Wish it was tomorrow ..

hopeful4

I choose to have a good day. I am wearing my red, went to my little daughter's Valentines party at school and played corny games with them, and got my kids both stuffed bears that smell like chocolate. I got them at the Cracker Barrell and they are amazing LOL. Tonight my older daughter's boyfriend is coming over and since they are only 14 and 15, I keep a close eye on them. So...our local Fro Yo place just opened, I am taking us all there tonight. AH is welcome to come if he wants to spend time w/his kids, if not..and truly I hope not....I could not care less.

I have found I really dread all holidays in truth. I have bad memories tied to many of them so I am trying to replace the bad with the good. My girls will always be my Valentines so I am focusing on them!

I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend!

DesertArizona

If it were me in that situation, I would refuse to let my addict/alcoholic spouse see his/her kids until they entered treatment. Maybe that will be the thing that makes the consequences of using/drinking finally outweigh the benefits? Just some thoughts.

hopeful4

If this is for me...let me catch you up. My AH lives in our home so he sees them daily. I am planning on divorce however I am financially not quite ready. I am not trying to get him to go into treatment or anything else, I am way way past that and have been down that road. He is in charge of his own recovery, I have let that go. These are simply things I am doing for me and my kids. He treats our kids kindly and if they want him to come that is fine w/me. We get along most times, the love is gone due to his alcohol use. Today is about my kids and showing them they are my Valentines always!

Stung

Ugh. My RAH gave me diamond earrings today and said immediately afterward that he didn't give them to me with any ulterior motives. It's just so awkward. But of course they're beautiful. This holiday blows.

spiderqueen

I am going out with women friends to dinner and then a piano concert.

Like others have mentioned, I am grateful to not have a repeat of last year: meeting for lunch, watching xA unable to eat, shaking and feeling terrible in withdrawals while trying to act normal; like a dope I had brought a gift (he forgot), and he couldn't wait to beat it out of there for a drink. Romantic, right? Pew.

I'd rather be single.

changeneeded

Bolded by me:

Oh my gosh, me too!! its like ptsd, I mean that too, it really is. Through out the years I've had to remind myself that just because I hate the holidays doesn't mean my kids should too. I literally would have to force myself to be happy and excited thru out the holidays so they could enjoy. All the while my stomach would be in knots, anticipating what might happen next.

I don't come from a family of hard core driniking, so my Hubby gets on the nerves of many when at my family functions. Not only is he an A, but he has a bit of this attitude where he reallys likes to "rattle peoples cage.' I think it has to do with insecurities, which he is trying to cover by drinking.

Anyway-- I don't like the holidays and have been praying with all my might that I could just let go-- stop anticipating.

Preparedtowait

Our mutual friend spoke to my XABF today. Apparently he's "feeling much better and focused on his son and his job".
That's great for him.
But it was like a stab to the heart for me.
I don't feel better at all.
I was stupidly hoping I would hear from him today.
But I didn't and I wasn't one of the things he's 'focusing on'
Happy valentines