KatieT

Thanks, this perspective helps ease the embarrassment. I just worry about it coming back to bite me. And the neighbors, etc. But maybe the police wrote it up with a fair perspective.

He told me that he either wanted to hit me if i didn't shut up but he could never do that so he called the police to shut me up. i engaged and I shouldn't have. Still.

i dont have mace and i am no match for him physically. Not even a little bit, I think not engaging until I'm sorted as the other poster noted will work ok. i am a mess right now but you all are helping me so much. i'm going to keep reading your words here and trying to understand what I'm up against, being honest about it.

The only thing he has on me is that I've experienced a fair amount of loss in my life and just can't bear more. The good stuff crams into my head with all the other stuff.

iwanthappiness

Oh KatieT, I had to post again, because I FEEL your pain. I too suffered a lost of my mother so I know how hard that is. BUT, do not allow the good to out weigh the bad right now.

Believe me, verbal abuse can QUICKLY turn into physical abuse. My AH was the most kindest, sweetest, best dad award. His disease progressed so fast. His verbal abuse started 3 weeks before the physical abuse kicked in.......I was NOT engaging either.

Please, do not think that could not happen. He appears to be out of control. Protect yourself, you are worth it!

KatieT

Thank you so much. Yes, the dreams are hard to let go of. We have co-mingled our lives and dreams in such a way that it's hard. 5 months ago when we made a move to a beautiful new town i had such high hopes. It just feels dark now.

KatieT

I'm trying to wrap my mind around the concept that A is a progressive disease. I'm not sure that I totally understand it. But from what I see, a loss of memory, cognitive function, inability to resolve conflicts.. will get worse, as will his health. He is such a handsome man and I can see how it's affected his muscle mass and physique.

I'm sorry for your loss and going through this too. Thank you for being so kind. I know i shouldn't rule out physical abuse.

Thank you guys, this is all so helpful to me.

AnvilheadII

progressive means it will continue to get worse over time.....NEVER better. he keeps a bottle of vodka by the bed.....his job is on the line....he is abusive towards you and VERY controlling....as his own world spins further out of control, he will attempt to control YOU so he feels like he's still the boss. picking a HUGE fight over a deposit.....calling the cops....demanding sex.....he will continue to try and beat you down, the lower YOU feel, the better HE feels.

its past time to go hon. the situation is now dangerous. he is volatile, flies into rages, and is capable of ANYTHING.

Hopeworks

Hi Katie,

Sorry you are going through this. I am in the criminal justice system and have had direct contact with thousands of domestic violence cases through the past 3 decades.

You are a lucky girl because the norm is that when a call is made someone goes to jail and that someone could have been you. Next time it might be you... he cannot... repeat cannot be trusted!

What if he scratches himself so he bleeds? Cuts himself with a knife and says you did it? Are you prepared to spend an night in jail with a no bond for the one who "loves you" and is such a great guy? Are you prepared to have a record of an arrest even if exonerated later? Or not? I have seen innocent people get convicted many times... that is a very, very real.

Life is uncertain but life with an active, vindictive, abusive alcoholic who calls the police and has NO REMORSE is not relationship material my dear.

Please take care of you. Get into counseling and visit alanon... you won't regret it I promise.

And if you need to get bailed out of jail pm me... OK?

KatieT

Wow, this really hit home. Thank you for taking the time and for offering this perspective, I never thought of it quite that way and it's really sinking in how much at risk he placed me in.

No, I am not prepared to have a record of arrest for love. I don't even have a point on my DL. (: I can only imagine if they were called by him again they might arrest me for nothing just because it's a second call!

i know that i have made allot of excuses for him. He had a super rough childhood. Heartbreaking really. But i can't fix it. I don't feel sorry for him, i just gave him more latitude than I should have, in retrospect.

i can't express enough how much I appreciate your comment and all the others, I will be referring to them often over the next several days and then some.

KatieT

(: Thank you, this made me smile. Hopefully I won't let that happen. Thanks again for your straight forward advice. i truly appreciate it.

KatieT

Thank you for this. Yes, keeps a bottle of vodka by his bed and when he wakes up at 2 or 3 sometimes he doesn't let me sleep, or i hear him drinking. Damnit why. i wish it was different.

dandylion

KatieT--please keep the domestic violence center in m ind. As Hopeworks mentioned---I know someone who was wrongly taken to jail. The abuser is the one that called the police.
Here in Virginia--in my county---Somebody goes to jail if the police show up!!

dandylion

DoubleBarrel

I know to decent law abiding people this post sounds crazy, but I have also seen these exact scenarios played out in the courts more times than I can count.

Calling the police is a recipe for disaster. Eventually they are gonna arrest someone.

Or they just might shoot someone. http://o.dailycaller.com/all/2014-01...8-year-old-son

Hopeworks

Hi Katie,

Alcoholics and other unstable personalities do not have the same ethics or empathy that normies like yourself have in play in their lives. I have seen nightmares develop for people that have been preyed upon by their "loved one" doing the very things I described. One man (yes men can be victims) married a gal who swept him off her feet and after a few months figured out she was stealing money out of their savings account (his money) to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars. He told her the marriage was over and she needed to find new digs to live in and she called the cops and had him arrested (she could dislocate her jaw at will from a previous car accident and she scratched herself up). She had him arrested after he bonded out by lying and saying he drove by her house!

I backgrounded her for him and turns out she had done this same scenario before... and yes, she was a drinker.

As for the bad childhood and victimization I fully understand...hey, my dad used to shoot guns at us and we would hear the bullets whiz by our ear... and he was dead drunk but an ace shot. He threatened to burn us out while we slept... I lived a terrified childhood.

But... exercising my elbow drinking gallons of vodka is not the answer and doing positive things to work towards getting over our trauma and pain as kids is the only hope for your A.

I was a scared kid for a long time...but I survived. There are kids far worse off in sex slavery, starving children digging through trash to find food, drinking dirty water, dying of aids and just dying... starving to death slowly one day at a time.

Life is hard. It is not fair. Only a few get perfect childhoods with the Cleavers as their parents. We can't change our parents or family but we once we grow up we can CHOOSE who we want to be and if we want to be part of the problem or the solution. We can choose whether we want to get into relationships with healthy people or toxic people. We can choose how we want to raise our own children.

Life is a series of choices and our choices determine our destiny. Who we partner with is a HUGE decision and changes our destiny. And... I learned that red flags are not party favors... please don't collect them like I did for a while before I got a clue.

You deserve a nice normal guy who doesn't call the cops on you to avoid hearing what you are trying to say... talk about non-communication!

Go find that guy! Mr. Nice Guy who will love you like you deserve!

BoxinRotz

He may not be physically abusing you in your opinion but lack of sleep is abusive in nature! You need to open your eyes and see that this man has big issues that only he can fix and if he gave a rat's a$$ about himself, he wouldn't put YOU through this sh!t! Think about that for a minute!!! He does not love himself because he's a solid drunk on vodka. I have lived with Mr Hyde and I know what he's capable of all strung out on vodka.

Until he is done drinking, you will live in Alcohell. Until you have had enough of his abuse, you will live in Alcohell. It is a real place and nothing you think, or thought you knew will sound logical because you've got the blinders on waiting for Mr. Perfect to show up and snap out of it when all you have is Mr. PartyofOne. Girl... Mr. Perfect was a farce to get you on on his arm and now that you're there... here's your ticket to hell. If you're gonna stay, may I suggest you hold on and pack your bags because he's a lifer in this game he's got going on and that's alcoholism.

Do you really want to be a part of that? Really, truly, unequivocally, positively, 100% want to be with a vile, discusting, untrustworthy, lying alcoholic?

I can wrap horse sh!t in pretty paper too ya know! He's a handsome man sunkin in a bottle. Real nice. Think about that.