Full of Hope...but leery as well!

Old 02-12-2014, 09:57 AM
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Smile Full of Hope...but leery as well!

My AH has been sober since the 3rd. The day that I told him there was ABSOLUTELY NO trust left between us because he had shattered it all, must have (in all hope) struck a cord in him. He started buying Diet Pepsi. He used to drink that a lot when we were first married, but probably hasn't for the last 10 years or so.
I keep looking for signs of him sneaking or stashing and eating mints to try to cover up..but I haven't found any signs. I don't know whether my heart leaping with hope is a good thing or not. So many hopeful moments have been crushed before And Im not sure if I should feel guilt for the "looking for the signs part" either.
Yesterday he had to come into town to hit the grocery store, feed store and the hardware store. Usually a day with those errands would mean a smuggled six pack and a stashed carafe of wine. So, naturally yesterday while at work I thought and dreamed the worst scenario...a lonely night with him passed out in his recliner by 7pm.
I came home a little guarded of course. To my ultimate surprise...there was a 12 pack of diet Pepsi on the counter. I tried to hide my feelings of guilt at what I was thinking all day, but then I thought "NO, I'm NOT hiding my feelings because they are justified from past experiences!"
I asked him if he had struggled through the day and you know what?.... he looked me in the eye and said "I knew you would think that I had a Bad Day and yes I struggled, but I'm good....really".
So there went that soaring HOPE in my heart!!! He even told me that he isn't angry that I felt that way. Could this really be the husband I married so long ago? Not sure what to think today.
But for now...I'm just gonna let the hope ride ............
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Old 02-12-2014, 11:19 AM
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Originally Posted by copperducky View Post
Could this really be the husband I married so long ago? Not sure what to think today.
I think everybody thinks that.

Yunno the outcomes?

At least this is what I think I have seen from the Previews . . .

Behind Door . . .

A. Still Drink, Drank, Drunk

OR

B. Stops Drinking, but not working a Program. Can become total jerks aka Dry Drunk. Sometimes worse than Door A.

OR

C. Stops Drinking, Fully Working the Program. THOSE can be some pretty wonderful people. Better than what we started with.


But for now...I'm just gonna let the hope ride ............
Hoping for Door C for you, me and everyone here.

And for now . . . WE work on US, right?

Alanon, The Steps, Celebrate Recovery, Help Others -- all that and a Bag of Chips.

How we get to be a better us, right? I mean I will feel Really Dumb if I get Door C, and I am still the bitter jackass that I have allowed dealing with all this stuff to become me.

Worse that happens from all that is maybe I get Door A or Door B -- but even with those, with a Better Me, I can deal with them Much Better.

Aint nothing but winning in this Casino.
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Old 02-12-2014, 11:25 AM
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Thanks Hammer...gonna hope for door C for sure!!!
Does every "A" have to work a program?
I'm still working on me..writing a journal, clipping out important messages to place in it for nice reminders. I feel good about myself and I guess at this point...that is the most important thing!!!
Thanks again
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Old 02-12-2014, 11:42 AM
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Originally Posted by copperducky View Post
Thanks Hammer...gonna hope for door C for sure!!!
Does every "A" have to work a program?
Furstly -- You need to know that I should have a sign on my back that says in Big Bold Letters (and braille, too) DO NOT FOLLOW ME, I AM LOST, TOO.

But if you look at the AA Big Book, Chapter 8, To Wives --

Big Book On Line - Table of Contents

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt8.pdf

(Yes, I know, I know, it is a terrible chapter, pretended to be written a wife -- but really by Bill W, whom most of us would likely consider a total lying, cheating, predator douche-bag, a-hole -- BUT it covers a few layers or types of Alcoholics rather well)

There are some levels of A-dom. If they are in the deeper layers of Hell -- They do tend to need a Program. They simply CAN NOT do it on their own. Maybe read through there and see where you think your guy is?

Just for comparing notes -- My Little A is out in the #3 or #4 range. Been through multiple addictions. Alcohol, Drugs, Cutting/SI, Eating Disorder, Compulsive Lying. Underlying Mental Illness components. SHE needs a Program. Truly cannot function for any length time without it.

Dunno about yours. Time will tell.

I'm still working on me..writing a journal, clipping out important messages to place in it for nice reminders. I feel good about myself and I guess at this point...that is the most important thing!!!
Thanks again
Good and Good for YOU!

Continue to March, and Stay Prayed Up.
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Old 02-12-2014, 11:45 AM
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Everything has to start somewhere. So enjoy day one, and be hopeful for day two. And like Hammer said, never stop working on you.

Best wishes!
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Old 02-12-2014, 02:30 PM
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Is he working on recovery, or just not drinking? If he's just not drinking, then you are wise to remain on guard. It's okay to be hopeful, but be realistic as well. "Expectations are planned resentments." It's difficult for an A with no recovery plan to stay sober long term. Is he willing to go to AA? A lot of A's believe they've got it figured out, and can handle it themselves. This is usually short lived.

So be cautiously optimistic, and focus on your own recovery. I don't mean to be a downer, but sobriety without recovery is a tough one.
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Old 02-12-2014, 02:40 PM
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Originally Posted by copperducky View Post
Does every "A" have to work a program?
What I witnessed with my XA, who never stuck with a program and never stayed sober for long, was that alcohol was the GO-TO substance for coping with everything in life. Not just pain, boredom & loneliness, but also joy. Depending on how long they have used alcohol, alcoholics truly NEED it to feel remotely normal, or in control. Even though to non-As, it looks more like loss of control when they drink.

I researched alcohol's effect on the brain, and learned as much as I could about addiction once it became clear that there was no way to make logical sense of what was going on with my A. This is why the affliction is often called "baffling". I encourage you to read and continue posting here - it's a long, hard road and you will need all the support you can get.
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Old 02-12-2014, 02:58 PM
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Not entirely sure about what he is doing for his Recovery. He went to AA February of last year because he was court ordered to do a 6 week drunk driving program. The counselor at that time suggested it and he went to a couple of meetings, but according to him, they were overly religious and he said it was sad because "those" people had lost everything...their homes, their spouses, their life savings, their jobs etc. At the time a little bird in my head wanted to say..."you will too if you don't stop". But that birdy never sang loud enough back then. I think he didn't lump himself in with "that crowd". I'm thinking that he does now. I'm hoping that he does now.
But like you said...work on me and I'm doing that at this very moment.
Thanks
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Old 02-12-2014, 03:06 PM
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Thank you SpiderQueen!
I have been trying to do lots of research and trying to absorb as much as I can here. It is hard to read the research and truly understand what it "looks" like on an A.
That aspect is just now appearing in front of me, though it does not seem to be at the grand scale that is mentioned in a lot of posts here at SR. But from what I gather from all of you is that it is the same, no matter who, no matter what, no matter why.
It is that knowledge that I am having a hard time with I guess.
I will keep posting...for as long as all of you will have me. It TRULY helps!
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Old 02-12-2014, 04:15 PM
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Originally Posted by copperducky View Post
he said it was sad because "those" people had lost everything...their homes, their spouses, their life savings, their jobs etc. At the time a little bird in my head wanted to say..."you will too if you don't stop". But that birdy never sang loud enough back then. I think he didn't lump himself in with "that crowd". I'm thinking that he does now. I'm hoping that he does now.
But like you said...work on me and I'm doing that at this very moment.
Thanks
Honesty and acceptance are the spiritual principles of the first step in AA.

Regardless of the program the alcoholic chooses to use in recovery, if you can't totally accept that you will always end up in the same predicament when you start drinking, your odds of relapse are pretty bleak. It takes time for this to truly register... it took me months after admitting myself into rehab and working a program on a daily basis.

I can only speak for myself, but I would be cautious about judging someone's level of acceptance from superficial evidence over a week or two. This is a forever kind of thing, and it takes awhile to swallow that reality and adjust our thinking and expectations accordingly.

Sobriety has been an incredible gift for me, and I hope he is on the path. Just manage your expectations, its early days for him now.
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Old 02-13-2014, 08:11 AM
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Eddiebuckle,
What finally made you see the truth and accept it? Did a spouse or close one leave, did a family member create an intervention? I apologize for having to ask. But at this point I don't have any answers and that aspect frightens me immensely.
I commend you for the hard work you apparently have put forward to your recovery.
Thank you
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Old 02-13-2014, 12:49 PM
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Sorry CD-I think I see in another thread that you suspect he is using again.

In my journey I have learned that A's tend to follow a spiral path. If I made a big deal about the drinking, he would change-cut back, moderate better, give it up for 30 days, etc. So we'd be going down hill, and then when his hand was forced, he would reign it in for awhile. The thing was, that never lasted, eventually, at some point things would go back to the way they were, plus a little worse, so we were perpetually in this downward trending spiral. I was always filled with hope during the upswings, and it wasn't until the end that I really grew to understand the progressive, "It always gets worse" part of the disease, because I was forever HOPING things would get better.

My hubby went thru OP treatment about 2 years ago, and steered clear of alcohol for over a year, but eventually his attendance at Aftercare group dwindled to monthly and then petered out completely. He wasn't going to AA or working any kind of program other than the White Knuckling It method. He learned a lot in treatment, but fast forward, especially once he stopped going to aftercare/relying wholly on the WKI method, and there came a stressful time where he decided to test the waters with "a drink" and while he didn't turn into a train wreck overnight, after a few months of these stollen, hidden from his wife moments, they went from stollen moments to daily moments, and then from 1 or 2 a day to worse...

From there he did IP treatment, is full on doing AA, steps, aftercare, etc. and this "quitting" looks much different from the previous "quitting" so for that I am hopeful (again) He was never "in recovery" before, but I can see that he is now. Also different for me this time is that this time I am working on MYSELF.

A person might not need to "work a program" to quit, but I really think that for most people, they need to work a program to stay quit. Quitting is a stop behavior, but recovery is a start behavior. It takes a real mindset change to be able to stay quit and be in a good place (in recovery).

Hugs...
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