Courage To Change 02/12/14
 

For me, detachment is relatively easy with casual friends, where I'm not very emotionally involved. I've noticed that when I am detached, I can listen to other people being critical or grumpy without being affected. But if members of my family act the same way, I often take on their negative frame of mind. My own behavior shows me that I have a choice about my response to other people's moods and attitudes.
What I have learned by comparing these two situations is that detachment involves paying attention to my own mood before I have a chance to take on someone else's. Then I can simply see and hear negativity or anger, without becoming negative or angry. I don't have to have a bad day just because someone I love is struggling. This knowledge allows me to let everyone, including myself, feel whatever they feel without interference.

Today's Reminder

If I pause for a moment before focusing on someone else's mood, I may find out that I have feelings of my own that deserve attention, I will look for those moment to check in with myself today.

"Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves."

This reading is particularly speaking to me and a very good reminder. I have a tendency to pick up the moods of people I am close to without them even saying anything. I used to joke that I was empathetic but maybe that's it: codependents are truly empaths who do not know how to close the gates.

Same here. This is very useful to me. I am so sick of absorbing the emotions of people around me. I've gotten better but I still let them affect me way too much.

I like that definition... it doesn't sound quite as negative :)

I do this, too. Am especially bad at doing it with AH. Actually, I think I do it with men in general. Thank you for sharing these readings, Carlotta. I like to read them on here and then again at home when I read through my material. It reinforces the reading for me to hear it more than once :)

My mom was severely depressed when I was growing up. I know that's when my codependent and caretaker tendencies were formed. I'm the oldest of seven kids and was so busy taking care of everyone else that I had very little self-awareness. I also believe that I "absorbed" her feelings of despair and self-hatred and emulated her negative behaviors. If things had been different my depression as a teen and adult may have been much, much less severe.

Luckily I've been able to recognize and take care of a lot of that stuff. I love my mom and wish she could have delved more deeply into healing herself. She's incredibly sensitive and a very talented artist. (a lot like my BF, imagine that!) We've talked about it but she doesn't want to dig up the painful parts of her life. I understand as she had a horrible childhood, and I credit her for being a loving, affectionate mom and doing the best she could.

Carlotta, FANTASTIC thread, thank you. I have been this negative, defensive person for so long that detaching from bad emotions to memories of people, especially my older brother, is proving to be challenging to say the lest. Staying in the present moment, being aware of my feelings in the here and now, has really been hard to sustain for very long periods of time, but I am making progress. Never considered myself to be codependent, but truthfully don't know much about it, so gonna look into to it. Have a nice day, rootin for ya. :egypt:

http://ts1.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.46830...7&rs=1&pid=1.7

I don't know about you other parents out there, but this is especially helpful to me as it relates to my teenagers' moods.

I've really been struggling lately with feeling hurt when my kids are hurt by someone else's behavior. I can't tell if it's natural 'mother bear' instinct or if it's codie behavior. I do know that it's not good for anyone and I need to work on it.

Can anyone else relate to this? Anyone been through this and been able to move on to detachment from their children's sufferings?

thanks for that..This is probably my favorite book out of all the alanon books I've bought. I struggle with detaching big time. It seems for me to truly detach I have to be emotionally numb..or maybe I was numb before trying to detach..I don't know. Its just very hard.

As a kid, I grew up in an abusive household. As a defense mechanism, I felt that I had to know what my step-mothers "mood" was--because a bad mood for her meant a painful time for me. (Although in retrospect, I think her "moods" were far more impulsive than anything I could ever truly have anticipated).
I carried that into my marriage, I think. Fear of punishment turned into fear of rejection or fear of losing her love.
Somehow in Al-Anon I learned the skill of detachment. I'm far from perfect at it, but I truly can listen to my wife "being critical or grumpy without being affected." It took time and prayer and practice. Maybe the first step was realizing that her moods were "not about me."
It's pretty amazing how much a little "detachment" has given me a lot of serenity!