Family against me?

Old 02-11-2014, 12:39 PM
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Family against me?

My qualifier is my DF - I grew up in an alcoholic home.

Sometimes my struggle gets really hard. I'm estranged from two brothers and their wives (my choice due to their rejection of my wife and marriage). I've adamantly stated to my DM, "I love them and think they're wonderful and wish them the best, they are welcome in my life - however, their judgment is not - the judgment that I should divorce my wife"

My DM tried to derail me - stated that I've blown things out of proportion, that I focused on the negative, that I'm being selfish, that I'm the one that's leaving "the family" behind, that they don't feel that way. I pointed out that one of my brothers explicitly stated, "I don't love you - you're not my family" and "I think it's in your best interest to divorce your wife because I've known you for 35 years" - this is despite the fact that I've stated clearly that I love my wife and am happy. She tried to derail that by saying that he was just angry or I "coaxed" it out of him. Or...that it's MY problem because I'm dwelling on the past or "hearing what you want to hear".

How do you deal with this craziness? It's like my feelings don't even exist - It's like my wife's feelings don't even exist.

I also pointed out that I've offered for them to come to counseling with DW and I and they've refused. DM retorted with "that's because you're trying to win" - win what? Counseling is specifically set-up to have people meet AS EQUALS.

It's like I live in this world of recovery (sober for 17 months) and it's absolutely wonderful. I look up at strangers - I speak my mind but don't step on others boundaries. I've grown 100 feet taller emotionally and spiritually. But in DM's world or my estranged brothers' world, life is completely different. I have to actually say to someone that it's not OK to call my wife names - to call me names - to judge our lives? seriously?

My counselor compared it to 2 people speaking two different languages due to being from 2 different planets. He hit the nail on the head. I simply don't know how to communicate with several of my family members. When I try to bring love, support, and acceptance, I am given hatred, judgment, and rejection.

I don't know what to do. Looking here for some support.
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Old 02-11-2014, 12:50 PM
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Sometimes it is just a fact that you have to leave some family behind. Your sobriety is wonderful and something to celebrate. It is a fact that some people have a toxic family and that it is useles to try and change them.

You cannot control how they act, only how you react. If keeping your distance is what you have to do, that is how it is. You have to preserve your immediate family, that includes your wife.

Good Luck and God Bless!
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Old 02-11-2014, 12:55 PM
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we don't get to pick our Family of Origin, but we can certainly as adults make healthy choices about who we allow into our lives and how close into our lives they are allowed to get.

sadly, right now, your family has circled the wagons to keep out anyone who DARES to try and shed any light on the elephants and alligators in the living room. Trust No One. Tell No One. Admit Nothing.

to them your offers to go to counseling are an insult. you can't fix them, or change their minds. for now, distance is probably the best approach for everybody....a cooling off period. which is hopefully shorter than the half life of Uranium 238!

it's sad, but i have nothing to do with any of my remaining family members. well one cousin calls sometimes...but that's it. but that same cousin did NOT call to tell me that my uncle had died....not until about 3 months later. i STILL don't get my family.
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Old 02-11-2014, 12:55 PM
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Arguing with crazy is like arguing with someone who's drunk. It's not going to get you anywhere. All you can do is find your boundaries, let them know where you stand and take yourself out of the situation when you need to.

You always have support here. Congrats on your sobriety! Are you currently working a 12 step program? Also, have you read Adult Children of Alcoholics? That was an eye opener for me.
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Old 02-11-2014, 01:57 PM
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Yes, although I only have phone contact with my sponsor, I at least have one (small town with not many males in Al-Anon - couldn't decide on AA member). He's covering both the Al-Anon and AA side of things. With his guidance, I am working on step four at this time. ACOA sounded really interesting as well - I've read some material on the inner child and found it extremely helpful. My inner child is extremely hurt and it's up to me to help him heal.

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