FlippedRHalo

It makes no sense to me as to why I'm terrified to do this? I feel like I'm going to hear people talking about still being with their AH or ABF and I need to not even THINK about him and I still being together and that it's going to hurt like hell to hear people talk about still being together even when it's bad.

Please explain to me what the meetings are like? Do they really seem to help? I can't have anything penetrate my resolve to stay away from him right now and I'm afraid the slightest hint at working it out while staying together will send me reeling. I'm just scared. I feel strong enough to stay the course I'm on right now, but so fragile in that the slightest teeter in this resolve will swallow me whole. I feel like I'm treading water and that's as good as I can do right now, I don't want to be washed under, but it wouldn't be hard for it to happen.

Growing up with alcoholic parents, being married to an alcoholic husband and then getting into a relationship with an alcoholic boyfriend...it's apparent that I need something to change. I do have my psychologist appt. on Friday too. Maybe I should just do that for the time being and not a meeting?

I want to scream, cry and get it out, but I just can't. I'm too scared to make a move.

hopeful4

You know what, give it a try. It is not some huge committment. If you go and it's not for you, there is no obligation to go back. I go to Celebrate Recovery which is similar and it saved me. I think the important thing is to find a meeting with people you click with. My girls at CR have become such a huge part of my life. They know all of my in's and outs and it is such a wonderful support to have.

Therapy is great and I am so glad to hear you say you are doing that also.

Good Luck and God Bless!

DMC

Just go. You don't have to say ANYTHING. It's completely anonymous. Just sit and listen. It is not really about him - it's about you. But don't be surprised if the floodgates open, you am embraced with love, and again, it's NOT ABOUT HIM.

Al-Anon saved my sanity. And it really had nothing to do with him.

honeypig

Flipped, you're really not going to hear people talking much about their A's at all except in passing. Alanon is for, by, and about YOU and people like you--the spouses, siblings, children, parents and friends of alcoholics. They will talk about themselves and how they've come to see the world and deal with life differently, not tell war stories about life w/their A's. Alanon is for sharing experience, strength and hope.

As someone said earlier, just go. Try a few different meetings to see what's the best fit for you. It's an hour of your time. What could you possibly have to lose?

Hammer

Terrified, you say? I understand. It is the Brain Eating Zombies that bother me.

Always going on about Brains, Brains, Brains. Yeah we get it.

They trail over to Alanon from Zombies Anonymous. Not really all that Anonymous -- those Zombies. You can see the trail of body parts behind them.

I tried to get them banned, but the Group Conscience keeps voting them back in.

honeypig

You are so weird, Hammer. Just so weird. And I just came from a meeting that had a number of group-conscience stories, so I find this extra amusing (and weird!).

Hammer

I think the thing with the Zombies -- Is with all the "Brains, Brains, Brains" stuff -- I think they are in the Problem, not the Solution.

Does that make sense? But I guess you look into the Abyss, and the Abyss looks into you.

Hey, the Zombies have their problems, with facing their Happy Forever Undead life, missing parts and all . . . And I have mine.

Was finishing up Step 2 last night -- at least the "Lecture Part" at my Steps Meeting. We ended with "Return us to Sanity." They asked if anyone there thought they were not a least a little insane? I heard my mouth braying --

"Yeah, I did not think so, but My Sponsor ordered me back to Therapy. So I must be insane. MFer."

m1k3

I can honestly say that I never heard anything in an AlAnon meeting that made me want to get back with my AW.

What I got was people who accepted me as I was. People who never threw anything I said back in my face, people who cared and understood what I was going through.

It was one of the most amazing things in my life.

Your friend,

hopeful4

How about this....give it a try and come back and let us know how it was for you. What did you think, did it benefit you, etc. Really, anyone can do anything for an hour. I hear this on here alot, then people are so glad they went.

You can do this!!

((Waving my PomPoms like a crazy cheerleader))!!!

BlueSkies1

How about you go see that therapist first? You could, after your preliminary fact giving time, start off your conversation about your life with her with the topic "I am terrified to go to an al anon meeting". I don't know the reason you are terrified, but terrified is a strong enough word that I think some investigation as to why you feel terrified might be best before you consider attending.


If it is nothing more than the fear of a public setting, then those fears can be overcome fairly easily, (except for people that have a fear of sharing in a public setting period). You don't have to share at all, you can just listen, or contribute only with a few sentences, briefly.

But. For many people, al anon does NOT work, or else those rooms would have a lot more people in them. For some, it does. I think when the stars align and a person is receptive to al anon's approach (which is far different than your therapists will be) and they find the right meeting group (which is also a hunt and can take awhile) and they are ready to handle their issues somewhat in a public setting, it can be fantastic.
I also think there are times in life that the stars do not align.

I would also read over the 12 steps and think them through a bit. Perhaps do some reading in the big book which is online. You could do some homework of what the al anon approach is, before deciding if it is right for you. You could talk to your therapist about the al anon approach and if it is right for you. It could be a great topic to start with, since you have a history of so many alcoholics in your life.

There's so many possibilities here. It could be right for you, it could not be right for you, it could be right for you in a few years but not right now....

so I think the one on one with the therapist, (which you seem to be more comfortable with the idea of at this point) is a great place to start. Maybe add al anon later, or maybe not, up to you.

BlueSkies1

One more thought...nobody is going to make you feel as if you should return to an alcoholic exbf at an alanon meeting, or shouldn't have left him.

JustAGirl1971

It is scary the first time. Actually, I've been attending for a couple months now and I still find talking scary.... so I just don't do it if I'm too afraid to.... instead I just listen and it really helps. I go several times/week and can tell when I've missed a meeting.

As for the alcoholic, Flipped, most people don't even mention their alcoholics. To be honest, the first several meetings that I attended everyone had left their alcoholic. Ok, well, probably not everyone, but everyone who bothered to mention their alcoholic had left their alcoholic. I'd been attending a few weeks before I actually met someone who was still with their alcoholic and not planning their exit strategy. Honestly, I've been attending for a couple months and I don't know who the alcoholic/addict is for the majority of the people I attend with. There's a wide variety of people who attend.

JustAGirl1971

OY, I've done both counseling and al-anon. They are different and I think both are beneficial. I've had counselors who specialize in addictions and have some background with a former alcoholic or addict (some cases the counselor is the former alcoholic/addict.) I found the counselor with personal history/specialization in addictions more beneficial than the counselor without that history/specialization. Blueskies is right that the counselor have different approaches and focus on different things.

FlippedRHalo

I've thought about it. I'm terrified that it's going to open up a floodgate that will never close again. I called the number to the woman who was listed for the meeting tonight and left a message. She called me back within the hour and we started talking. I completely broke down. I'm breaking down writing this right now just thinking about it all. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I've been running from this my entire life. And now I have to face it all. And it's G*D D*MN TERRIFYING.

I'm going to go. I'm probably going to end up in a heap on the floor somewhere sobbing like a 2 year old that lost her mommy. That's how I feel. Like a scared little girl that just realized that all she thought she had control of wasn't in control at all, but completely out of control. Just a gigantic, emotional, disastrous mess of lies that I told myself because I couldn't face the brutal reality of it all.

Thanks mom & dad. Thanks for all of this.

PippiLngstockng

One Al-Anon meeting and I knew I was in the right place.

And that told me AH had one shot of getting into recovery, or game over.

That's exactly why going to Al-Anon was a big deal to me. It made everything real that seemed dreamlike - public that had been hidden in dark places and pantries.

BlueSkies1

It probably will open up a floodgate...but not a flood that lasts forever.

PippiLngstockng

FRH - we must have been channeling each other. Look what we wrote at the same time.

The great thing is - I got free! F**king H**l!

FlippedRHalo

Wow.... that's frightening! Exactly, it brings everything to light that's been beaten down and hidden in the dark for so long. Opening that trap door seems like such a terrifying prospect, however, if I don't put my big girl pants on and open it, it'll never be gone. And it needs to be gone!

Thanks for the pep talk Pippi and everyone. I'm going for it. Shaking, but can't be any worse than living with it for so long, alone. Right?

You guys are really a great group of people. I feel so much better being here.

JustAGirl1971

I promise, as scary as it may seem, you won't regret it. Even if the first meeting seems really weird, just keep going back. Every time gets easier. I actually find it addictive. I am attending a few times a week. It helps (And, if you do find after several meetings that it's not for you, I still don't think you will regret it. NEver heard anyone say "I wish I'd never gone to al-anon!")

spiderqueen

Personally, I was grateful to stop feeling alone in my shame and misery. And to learn that there were things I could do to help myself - when I had been so terribly twisted around trying to fix my XA.

I also browse the Alanon (and AA) literature at the library first, and read some stories online before attending. Just so I wouldn't feel like it was so ... NEW and unfamiliar.

Good luck, let us know how it goes!