Decreasing and Deceasing the Drama

Old 02-08-2014, 01:03 PM
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Decreasing and Deceasing the Drama

Been really calm here, this week. The Mrs. Hammer-Drama-Time-Generator has been out of the house for Training for the new Rehab Center Job.

But overall, the Drama level has been decreasing quite a bit, anyway. I was figuring that was a sign that things were getting better from that side of things.

Daughter and I were talking about that a little on the way home from Ice Skating this morning. Turns out Daughter (at 11, still the smartest in the house), has been mapping all this.

She says -- oh no, Drama is still there, the Difference is How Much Better *we* have gotten at deflecting and shunting the Drama.

Had to think about for awhile, and as usual, Daughter is correct. Turns out she has developed a whole new array of tools for Managing Mom -- WAY beyond Alateen, developed from her own studies while being the Social Scientist of the 6th Grade Class.

I have been watching her run test cases on it for the past couple of months without even knowing it.

Cannot reveal this all on the open board, but PM me if you have kids needing to deal with a Dry Drunk parent. I am in TOTAL Awe of this kid.

But for my own side, and the folks here that are here and managing your own side better -- If your path becomes much like mine . . .

You will likely install new high-gain, early-warning drama sensors, and be able to smell and repulsed as soon as a Drama-Carrier-Dry (or Wet) -Drunk starts their stuff.

====================

If we were having a Star Trek moment, it may look something like this . . . . .

Somewhere in Deep Relationship Space, aboard the Starship HammerTime.

Opening Scene --

Helmsman: Captain Hammer! We are sensing a Growing Drama Cloud over by the Dry-Drunk Nebula.

Captain Hammer: Shields Up!

Security Officer: Shields Up!

Captain Hammer: Helm, take evasive action.

Helmsman: Aye, Sir!

Captain Hammer: Ready the Weapons System.

Weapons Officer: Weapons Ready, Sir.

[Starship HammerTime smoothly sails by the Drama Cloud Radiation Bursts from the Dry Drunk Nebula.]

Captain Hammer: Time to kick back and enjoy some serious calm.

Crew (the kids): All Cheer!
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Old 02-08-2014, 02:31 PM
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Dry drunk is a rather imprecise term Hammer.

It has aspects of being an aa term to slander those they disagree with, kind of like the communists used the term burgosie, McCarthyism used the term communist or incompetent leaders use the term resistance to change.
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Old 02-08-2014, 02:38 PM
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Hammer, I always like your posts.
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Old 02-08-2014, 03:23 PM
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Originally Posted by soberhawk View Post
Dry drunk is a rather imprecise term Hammer.

It has aspects of being an aa term to slander those they disagree with, kind of like the communists used the term burgosie, McCarthyism used the term communist or incompetent leaders use the term resistance to change.
Dunno regarding its "aspects," but do understand it is considered pejorative, but seems fairly accurate if you have ever been around the condition . . . .

But to save us from this sub-topic, here is the 759 word-count version.


What Is A Dry Drunk? | Addiction Recovery Basics

==========================

What Is A Dry Drunk?

by BILL URELL

What is a dry drunk, and the ‘dry drunk syndrome’ as it is sometimes called? It can best be described as someone who fits one of two conditions.

The first is someone who has given up drinking and drugging and not made any internal or emotional changes, they stay the same but the substance is gone. Or in the second case what was once someone abstinent and on a progressive path of recovery has slowly returned to chaotic and unrealistic thinking.

Being active in your addiction sets up many trains of thought, attitudes, feelings, and actions that are problematic. Simply removing the alcohol or drugs without changing these underlying factors will produce a dry drunk syndrome. The dry drunk really refers to a condition and not the person. It is important to recognize a reversion back to our old ways of thinking and acting, or lack of progress in moving forward in recovery.

The dry drunk can be a precursor to the beginnings of relapse, the AA Big Book describes this condition as being “restless, irritable, and discontented”. This set of attitudes can apply to anyone who is chemically dependent, or even those were not. Here are some of the attitudes common with the dry drunk syndrome.

Grandiosity – Grandiosity basically means a return to a self-centered, ‘the world revolves around’ me attitude. In 12 Step literatures this is the concept of being “self-centered in the extreme”. It does not have to necessarily mean that I believe I am the best; it can also be seeking attention through playing the victim or sitting on the pity pot.

Impulsivity – A common attitude or observable behavior of people with addiction problems is poor impulse control. We tend to do what we want when we want, with little regard for self harm or hurting others around us. Impulsivity can be linked with grandiosity to engage in behaviors designed to make us the center of attention.

Being judgmental – This is a very destructive attitude for people in recovery. When we judge a person as being better than or less than, we are setting up a situation where we inflate our egos feeling better than other people. On the other hand if we judge ourselves to be on the short end we can feel bitter and generate low self-esteem. Being judgmental is a low self-esteem generator.

Complacency – This is not only an attitude of somebody in dry drunk syndrome, but is a red flag warning sign of someone who is well into the relapse process. An important facet of being in active recovery is just that, being active, and moving forward. It is not how fast you are going but rather the direction in which you are headed. If you become lazy or disinterested and stop being proactive about your recovery, the natural to a tendency is to fall back into addictive behaviors. Your re-engagement in them is just a short step away.

Once you are lured into any of these attitudes, they start to affect how you think. Once your thinking is affected and you start to buy into self-centered thoughts, chances are you’ll engage in the actions stemming from these self-centered thoughts.

Here are some destructive patterns and actions that can result from dry drunk thinking:

1. We become restless and irritable and discontent.

2. We become bored, dissatisfied, and easily distracted from productive tasks.

3. Our emotions and feelings get listless and dull, nothing excites us anymore.

4. We start to the engage in the euphoric recall that is yearning for the good old days of active using and for getting the pain and shame of use.

5. We start to engage in magical thinking we get on realistic and fanciful expectations and dreams.

6. The last thing we want you is engaged in introspection to improve ourselves.

7. We start to become unfulfilled and have the feeling that nothing will ever satisfy our yearning or fill the hole in the sole.

Looking back at the list of attitudes and thought distortions listed above, it is easy to see how the dry drunk syndrome is simply nothing more then reverting back to the way it was when we were active in our use. If you are starting to notice some of the attitudes discussed creeping back into your life, is target time to start paying attention to the possibility of relapse and start turning your life in sobriety and recovery around. The dry drunk syndrome is a bright red flashing warning sign for relapse.
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Old 02-08-2014, 03:25 PM
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Originally Posted by DG0409 View Post
Hammer, I always like your posts.
Stick around, I am sure I will eventually offend you, too.

Will put it on my "to do" list.
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Old 02-08-2014, 03:40 PM
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Had to think about for awhile, and as usual, Daughter is correct. Turns out she has developed a whole new array of tools for Managing Mom -- WAY beyond Alateen, developed from her own studies while being the Social Scientist of the 6th Grade Class.

I have been watching her run test cases on it for the past couple of months without even knowing it.


OK, I hate to beat a dead horse, but I will anyway.
I also grew up "managing" the unstable adults in my life. I know she's in Alateen, and that you're really working to put your kids first here. I respect that, but why is an 11 year old compelled to manage/dodge her mentally ill mother's moods? Yeah you guys are getting really good at detecting and deflecting it, but it's still there.
I understand that you all want your family unit to remain intact. Would Mrs. Hammer have any compassion for this? Is there a way you could approach her without setting off the trip to Crazytown? If you went to her and said "Baby, I love ya, but your crazy is royally f-ing our kids out of their childhoods because they are having to do X, Y and Z to cope with your bs." (Maybe with a touch more diplomacy than I've mustered here).
Wishing you the best, no matter what. Thanks for posting.
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Old 02-08-2014, 04:16 PM
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler View Post
Had to think about for awhile, and as usual, Daughter is correct. Turns out she has developed a whole new array of tools for Managing Mom -- WAY beyond Alateen, developed from her own studies while being the Social Scientist of the 6th Grade Class.

I have been watching her run test cases on it for the past couple of months without even knowing it.


OK, I hate to beat a dead horse, but I will anyway.
Beat away. Nothing worse than the (me) morons who come here looking for advice and then refuse to take it. Funny -- the way that mirror works. It seems real clear to me when I see you all do that.




I also grew up "managing" the unstable adults in my life. I know she's in Alateen, and that you're really working to put your kids first here. I respect that, but why is an 11 year old compelled to manage/dodge her mentally ill mother's moods? Yeah you guys are getting really good at detecting and deflecting it, but it's still there.
Hear you Real Loud and Real Clear.

With the T's parting questions, last week, I could see the Heavy Bombers forming up on the horizon and heading towards my location.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4450777

================

She had some of the same questions as here --

Q: If splitting the house is best for the kids, am I prepared to do that?

A: Yes (and, yes, I know some of you will be pleased to hear that).

Q: If the new agency (National Rehab) catches on that Mrs. Hammer is not quite right, what happens?

A: Nothing to us. We are not relying on any money from it (I pay all the bills).

Q: Do I understand that there may be no "good" outcome from this?

A: Yes.

====================



I understand that you all want your family unit to remain intact. Would Mrs. Hammer have any compassion for this? Is there a way you could approach her without setting off the trip to Crazytown? If you went to her and said "Baby, I love ya, but your crazy is royally f-ing our kids out of their childhoods because they are having to do X, Y and Z to cope with your bs." (Maybe with a touch more diplomacy than I've mustered here).
Nice thoughts. Would most likely just draw fire onto Daughter by tipping off her location and tactics, as well.

Wishing you the best, no matter what. Thanks for posting.
Understood. Thank you.
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Old 02-08-2014, 04:22 PM
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Hammer---I get a feeling that the Daughter is the recipient of your wife's anger that is actually meant for you......do you think so...?

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Old 02-08-2014, 04:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Stick around, I am sure I will eventually offend you, too.

Will put it on my "to do" list.
Good luck with that. I tend to be pretty hard to offend.

Or maybe it's just that I have realistic expectations. I'm on a public forum on the internet after all.

Funny thing about when I do find myself offended, I've been learning it means it's time to look inside anyway.
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Old 02-08-2014, 04:39 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Hammer---I get a feeling that the Daughter is the recipient of your wife's anger that is actually meant for you......do you think so...?

dandylion
Dunno that it is "meant" for me.

Maybe think of this as an A-Hole with Diarrhea.

It just wants to dump its load.

And sees other people as toilets.

I am not a toilet. Daughter is not a toilet.

So we have quit taking her sh1t.
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Old 02-08-2014, 04:40 PM
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Originally Posted by dg0409 View Post

funny thing about when i do find myself offended, i've been learning it means it's time to look inside anyway.
Bravo.
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Old 02-08-2014, 05:24 PM
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Hi Hammer,

In response to Ladyscribbler's post about why your 11 year old daughter is compelled to manage her mother's moods, I would like to comment that it sounds like, from your previous posts, that she may have been passed down the engineering gene from you, that makes her study and evaluate life as it happens around her. My RAH is an engineer. I've heard the expression that "engineers are a different breed".

Obviously, we don't know your daughter at all, except from what you choose to share with us. She sounds very wise to me. One might believe that she should not be burdened with a dysfunctional parent, however, who among us can say that we have not burdened our children by our own choices whether or not the situation relates to an alcoholic.
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Old 02-09-2014, 02:27 PM
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Hammer,

When I was a kid I was learning how to water ski. I did not manage to get up the first time, but I did not let go of the ski rope. For some reason one minor event sums up one of the biggest problems I have in life. I am not wise about giving up or letting go. Despite being absolutely waterlogged and banged up, I hang on for some seriously wrong reasons. Any rational person would drop the rope, get the ski tips above water, and let the boat circle back into position for a fresh attempt.

How many times have you tried to make a go of it? This is my third round. I do not have a fourth round in me.
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