How could I have not seen???
 

Hello. I am brand spanking new to this forum and to the world of alcoholism. I've been married for 18 years and with my husband for 22 years. He's always had alcohol. He's Irish from Boston. Isn't that what they do? I never, never, never in my wildest dreams thought he had a "problem". But he does. He's admitted it to himself and to me and he's going to a therapist and talking about going to AA meetings (but he hasn't pulled the trigger on that yet).

I found this forum by googling "high functioning alcoholic husband" and it popped to a thread posted by "Highfunction" and I started crying while reading all the posts.

How could I have not seen? My father (who never drank) was very abusive and my mom is the classic enabler and I worked for many years to overcome a lot of my own issues (depression, PTSD, etc). I would have known if I was marrying an alcoholic, wouldn't I???

I'm not really sure what to do from here. Can anyone relate to me - to being so blindsided and...just blind?? I'm not a stupid person and I don't go into denial - I'm brutal with the truth and I face everything head on. It's like everything I thought was true is now suspect --- what else have I missed?

Damaged, I was blindsided at nineteen years of age when my older sister asked me if I thought our mother was an alcoholic.

I laughed. Called my brother (26 at the time!) and we both chuckled over how crazy our sister was. Then she sent me a book called Adult Children of Alcoholics. Pretty sure I read the whole thing in one night. I was blown away -- clearly the writer had lived in our home and written about us, the typical three-child family of an alcoholic and a co-dependent.

There is an analogy often cited here about how living with alcoholism is like being a frog in a pot of slowly boiling water -- you don't realize what's going on until it's too late. I didn't start dealing with the after effects of growing up with alcoholism until my first marriage imploded when I was 32. It indeed felt like everything that made me "me" was a lie. I didn't trust myself anymore.

The good news is I sought recovery and now live a much happier healthier life. I am 42, remarried, and while my relationship with my (now recovering) mother is not the best, I am okay with that. Mostly, I am okay with me, for the first time in my life.

You are not alone. You have a place of great comfort, strength and experience. Please keep reading and posting. You are very welcome here.

Welcome Damaged.

Lots of support to be found here.

I'm not sure you have missed anything.

18 years of marriage, you certainly have had a front row seat, and now you arrive at today.

I was with an alcoholic for 5 years. Swept lots and lots of unacceptable under the carpet.

Somehow I always found a way to rationalize his having "too much fun" or everyone gets tired and crabby, or people fall down and injure themselves everyday. His DUI, well it could happen to "anybody", his loss of a high paying job, because of the DUI, well it was the United States Coast Guard that revoked his licensing, and on and on........

yeah, i was in denial.

All I can suggest, Educate yourself about addiction, best to know all the facts about this disease, it will make facing everything head on alot easier.

Damaged...
Hello from Montana!
I just joined this week too actually. Been married for 25 years and was completely blindsided a few years ago as well. Even then I never knew how bad it was until he decided to retire this last year.
It has been a roller coaster of highs, lows, sadness, frustration, anger, grief....I think I have felt nearly every emotion available.
The only thing I can say at this point is to make sure you understand that you are not to blame for anything. And through all of this you need to be honest and sincere to him but mostly to yourself.....easier said than done, I know, because I am still struggling with it myself.
But encouragement, concern, heartfelt advice and much wisdom is found on this sight. I have never felt as good as I have this week in just talking to all these wonderful people on this here at SR. You keep the faith!!!:ring

Welcome.

What I learned about the mechanism of denial is that it happens automatically in the brain and the individual is completely unaware that it is kicking in. If a person comes from a background of trauma, then the unconscious, automatic blocking out of a reality that is too difficult to bear or to acknowledge can continue into adulthood.

I had to forgive myself for a lot of automatic denial when I worked on myself in therapy, because otherwise my self-esteem would have remained in the gutter as I struggled with shame for what seemed incredibly bad choices in my past (like marrying a man who I am sure most anyone could have pegged as alcoholic within a month.)

So now your brain has revealed to you the truth of your husband's disorder and the state of your marriage. I think that means your higher power, your inner wisdom, believes that you have all the inner resources you need to deal with this. I would see the new awareness as positive.

Thank you, EnglishGarden. Your words made me cry (again). But I am so appreciative.

I too thank you for that bit of wisdom.

Damaged2-

I also had done a lot of work on my own stuff before meeting, loving and getting into a marriage with a problem drinker.

My therapist (who is in recovery herself) reminded me not to long ago of why would I have known? I grew up with a lot of rage and a lot of codependency but no alcohol abuse.

It also helped me to realize and truly feel what English Garden wrote about. I have come to realize as painful as it was for me to have to look at, feel etc it has been the piece that has helped me to reach that new level of healing. It force my hands but I don't know if I would have gotten here on my own.

I don't like the lessons, but the learning has been incredible.

"I don't like the lessons, but the learning has been incredible."

Very well said, LifeRecovery, very well said.

I can so appreciate this.

I think I found this site by a similar search last year! Welcome!

Irish, and from Boston?! Well he admitted he has a problem and going to a counselor! Those are positive things! What about you? Are you going to a counselor or trying Al Anon?

Short answer: Not yet
Longer answer: It's all I've been thinking about lately. Therapy should be easy. I have a trusted therapist. Al Anon - I've googled locations but to actually go is to really admit that there's a problem.

I feel like I've been grieving for so long and I'm not quite ready to open the door to more grief. Grief for what might have been. Grief for what I've already allowed to happen.

When our son was in 3rd grade he had a dream that his father was shooting him with a machine gun and I just stood by watching. My husband has always been extremely hard on our son - who is a good, sweet boy. We fight about it a lot. Husband accuses me of sabotaging him when he's trying to "discipline" our boy (not physically - but words can be just as damaging). Accuses me of talking to him like he's a child. But he sometimes acts like a child! He gets into power struggles with our son over nothing! And I refuse to stand by and let him berate and belittle our son. He accuses me of babying him - will start singing Pink Floyd: "Mamma's gonna pick all your girlfriends for you. Mamma's gonna keep baby cozy and warm." He means it to be funny but it hurts.

My sister-in-law came to visit several years ago and she and my husband got into a huge fight. She said that our family revolved around him - what he wanted to do. At the time I sided with her. A huge rift opened between them and I haven't really seen her since. She and I and a group of other women used to do a camping trip every-other-year. 2006 was the last time.

I realize now how isolated I've become. I've always been introverted - and so has my husband - so I've chalked it up to that. But no one ever comes over! (No adults anyway, the kids have friends over a lot, which I choose to see as a good sign.) I don't really have any friends. What a strange realization to come to at age 46.

Very well-said. Thank you.

I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment. Asking why do I need to learn more lessons? Seems like I've been on that journey forever. Digging into the past, trying to figure out where things went wrong. Seeing myself and wondering how the h&ll I got here. Life just seems so incredibly hard. And I'm okay with hard but holy cow isn't there a limit to what someone can take on?

Mostly I'm terrified about the damage already done to our kids. They are 14 and 16. Are they doomed to repeat these patterns? I know you all will say that I didn't cause this and I don't have control over it but shouldn't I have some responsibility for the outcomes? And if I have responsibility, then shouldn't I have some control? I know I can't fix everything or keep my kids from feeling any pain (already failed miserably at that)...I just thought that I had made a life for my children that was better than the life I had. Well, they won't have my issues but it seems I've created some new ones.

I've seen myself as "successful" because I thought I broke the cycle of what my mother created and yet, here I am, just like her. So is my daughter doomed, too? No matter how much therapy you get and how many choices you make, are you just doomed to forever in history repeat the cycles of your ancestors?

Feeling very, very sorry for myself right now. It's 3 am, can't sleep, mind racing. Things seem very, very bleak at the moment.

Damaged, I think you do indeed have a lot of insight already. I am glad you already have a good therapist. Make the call, especially if it is on your mind.

Do you know what a fresnel lens is? They are beautiful old lighthouse lenses that magnify the light. Your H's alcoholism is just another prism of glass. A different magnification to look and reflect at your relationship and family life.

Have you pulled your teens aside to honestly discuss this? As my son got older I started to talk to him about alcoholism and genes. I had to tell him he might react to alcohol like my husband. We talked that for me caffeine is a much better stimulant if I want to stay up late and have energy. It might be a safer option. I told him about the three C's. I told him not to get on the car with my H if he had been drinking all evening. All of this seemed surreal to me.

I started to cry last year when I informed my H he was not welcome home and that I had just had the locks changed. My son told me I had done the right thing. He stepped up and kept an eye on me. It broke my heart to see him take on that role. I took him to counseling and I gently pushed AlaTeen. He did do counseling but refused AlaTeen. Thankfully the T asked My son what he was going to do if our A relapsed, he said I guess come back for more counseling.

So my kid knows how an active A behaves, he knows if you are having problems you can find a therapist, he knows depression and anxiety seem to run in my A's family, he knows meds can help with some of these issues. He knows there is inpatient and outpatient rehab. We have had to live on a budget. I've had to say no. We've discussed the cost of things. Those are probably all good things too in this economy and the austerity attitude that is rampant. I guess that is OK.

My RAH's recovery is at times rocky. We both try to detach and let this fellow putter himself to exhaustion. He has had a few altercations like he just has this ball of anger he has to throw off. At other times he is amazingly calm and his eyes are so clear. He gets hangry for sure. He is now working full time again and I see some old patterns coming back. But I see them. I am not taking the bait. I am in therapy. We are about ten months out. I don't know if we are going to make it. Alcohol might win this one. She held sway for 19 years of our marriage. She is clearly like a ghost whispering in his mind at times. He could choose her any day. That kind of uncertainty is really tough for me. Especially when you have lost the denial.

So today I am doing a long run. I've had some success focusing on me. Time will tell on some of these issues, but the when is really not in my control. Be patient with yourself as you are in a period of crisis and enlightenment.

:thanks:CodeJob - First your reply made me literally sob out loud. Then I looked around at some of your other posts and found the one to Insane Shame about intimacy and I started laughing out loud. So unbeknownst to you, you are making me run the gamut of emotions this morning. I needed both extremes.

Damaged,

I just wanted to post to you so you would know you are not alone. I too, married an Irishman. He is my XAH now but he is an Irish Police Officer to boot. I look back now and am amazed that I was not able to see what was inevitably coming in our lives. His father was an alcoholic also. All my in-laws had a million stories about how hard it was growing up with my father in law. My mother in law fled Ireland and moved in with us to get herself and the youngest son away from that life. Did I once think that might be a genetic issue and I may need to worry about how my husband at the time might turn out later. Nope. I just felt bad for the little boy who grew up in that environment. I was in my early twenties and very in love.

I have heard my XAH talking to my sons the same way as your husband. How he was treating the boys was the final straw for me. I think I could have lived with the abuse longer but one day I just woke up and realized that I did not want my boys to have to grow up like that for a day longer.

I understand the cultural differences. At one time I found them endearing. It is hard how forgiving the Irish are when alcohol is involved.

I wish you the best.
4MyBoys

That's me an emotional roller coaster....
 

:lmao:lmao:lmao

I forgot to mention my RAH is 'dark Irish' too. Hope you have a good week.

I was completely blindsided by my 22 year old son's alcoholism. It hit me worse than anything I've ever been through. I ended up at my Drs for an antidepressant and the counselor's for counseling. I beat myself up for months with "Why didn't I see it? Why didn't I know that was a sign of alcoholism?". I'd never known anyone other than my uncle who had an alcohol problem ,so it never entered my mind. AlAnon helped me learn not to blame myself. It's so common for people to say "Why didn't I see it sooner?". What you're feeling now is so normal. Try to find an AlAnon group near you and go to some meetings.

Hi Damaged2,

Welcome! Take a deep breath and relax... it may feel overwhelming when the blinders start to come off but don't feel guilty... feel empowered. Knowledge is power and as time goes one you will begin to see "with a new pair of glasses".

We operate in the light we have and we cannot know what we simply do not know. As children of broken families... dysfunctional families if you will... our understanding of the world and relationships become like a broken mirror... it is distorted. We have been taught from a very early age to deny what doesn't fit the order we are supposed to accept as "real" and "right".

Finding yourself and learning how to view behaviors and events through an "unbroken mirror" and determining how to deal with unacceptable behaviors from a spouse ... well... it won't be easy. I won't lie to you about that... however... I can promise you that you go on this journey with friends (we are here for you) and if you seek out more support in alanon meetings and with a good therapist the rewards will be priceless.

Peace, happiness, tranquility and breaking the generational patterns of addictive and codependent behavior in your children's children children. Watching you kids learn what is healthy behaviors and what is unhealthy and what to expect from their own relationships in their future. You can teach them that as you go along in your own journey of discovery.

Yes my dear, you can be the catalyst to insure that your kids do not repeat the mistakes that we made as adults. I may still be really screwed up (lol) but my kids are rock solid and have it completely together! I got them in counseling at a very early age so they could deal with controlling mommy and addict daddy... and it worked!

I am an adult child of an alcoholic... an extremely abusive one at that. I married an addict (not at the time but he had all the red flags) but my kids will NEVER choose someone who has red flags sticking out all over them. They won't give a problem drinker or selfish person the time of day...both are in relationships with incredibly good people in every department. The generational curse will hopefully end with them (3 generations of alcoholism/codependency on both sides of their family).

Knowledge is power. Be empowered. Keep seeking truth and take care of you! Don't beat yourself up... please. Keep coming back ... you can be free and so can your kids no matter what the behaviors of the alcoholic parent.

These are questions I've asked myself, too. We have 3 children. Our 2 youngest are about your children's ages (14 & 15.) I do feel responsible for the dysfunction they've lived with and the scars they have as a result of it. I can directly see where my actions impacted them detrimentally. I should have sought help sooner and should have asked him to leave sooner. All I can do now though is make amends to my children and provide them with a safer, more secure, healthier, & happier home going forward. That's what I intend to do.

Also, my kids are in counseling. I am assuming that it's helping them because they mostly don't resist going and they always seem happier afterward. I am still trying to convince them to give alateen or The Landing a try (Celebrate Recovery's version of alateen.) I fully anticipate that counseling will be a long-term thing... not just a few months. I can only hope by addressing the issues now, my children will be healthier and choose more wisely than I did.