sparkle01

My husband was made redundant a year ago due to his work being outsourced abroad.
He had always been a big drinker and I suspected that it had been affecting his work before he lost his job (which was confirmed by the dr in Jan of last year when he was given 10 years to live if he continued drinking the way he was) but things began to get a lot worse after he lost his job. He moped around for months completely lacking motivation in finding a job.

Things came to a head in the summer when I left to see some friends without him with our 2 children as I had had enough of his behaviour. He finally admitted that he had a problem and to seek professional help. He religiously went to meetings and AA meetings for approx. 3 months after which he went back into denial about having a problem.

He is looking for work but despite getting interest has not got the past couple of jobs which he was interviewed for. We have now run out of his redundancy money and I am completely at my wits end. Even if he manages to secure a job, I am extremely concerned that he will be unable to hold it down. I have some savings which are meant to be my pension which we are now going to have to use.

My little ones are 4 and 1 and I have been at home with them due to the cost of childcare but am seriously thinking that I may have to get a job although I can't see how it will cover all of our living costs (he doesn't want to stay at home with the kids and I wouldn't want him to- he spends most of it sleeping on the sofa at the moment), and I can't bear the thought of financing his addiction..
Has anyone been in a similar situation and come out of the other side with success as I am utterly despondent. I am attending a 'friends and family' group and having counselling and fully appreciate that he has to come to the point where he wants help, but he thinks that finding a job will solve everything. It will of course help our financial situation but I don't want to be a widow in 9 years time...Thanks in anticipation..

readerbaby71

I'm so sorry this is happening. It seems that you are on the right track though, leaving his recovery to himself and taking care of you and your children. You don't have to finance his addiction--if you want to get a job use your money for the bills and expenses for things you need. Open an individual account and sock the rest away. Do you have friends or family who can help you with childcare? I wouldn't trust him alone with the kids.

Wishing you much strength and healing. Hugs to you.

KateL

I was bled dry by my ex. I asked him to leave eventually and was able to get my finances back on track. It is hard being a single parent and I'm not sure what to suggest re your work and childcare, but it's too bad if you have to use your pension money xxxxxxx

JustAGirl1971

Hi, sparkle. I've been in a similar situation and am coming out better for it... but not in the way you're asking, hence why I haven't posted previously. My STBXAH was laid off several years ago. Our kids were older at the time and I was already working full time. Initially, we thought the lay-off was a good thing. He hated the job & wanted to go back to school. At that time, he recognized that he had to stop drinking. He quit but did not start any program. That first year was awesome. He was so helpful at home and with the kids (youngest was 9 at the time.) He went back to school, working on a degree in an area that interested him. After about a year, he started drinking again. It was a gradual descent from there... first he stopped helping at home.... then he started withdrawing from me, our family, & our friends... school was the next thing to go. During that time, unemployment ran out, followed a year later by our savings. He finally found a low paying job (still there a couple years later.) I thought he was depressed.... turned out he was just staying up late drinking vodka and beer.

He's moving out in less than 2 weeks and we are divorcing. Ironically, he appears to be sober (though who knows as he stays up til all hours of the night and is not sleeping in our bedroom. He's definitely happier! I think he may be happy to get out from under all the financial obligations (& my expectations no doubt!) I've made peace with it and am looking forward to having a calm, peaceful home. Not the kind of happy ending I think you were asking for but it is a happy ending.

You mentioned a family group. Have you looked into al-anon? It's really helping me. Have you looked into possible financial help with child care? Does London have any social programs that can help bridge the gap? Unfortunately, we can't control anyone's actions except our own... therefore, that's where I'd start - with the things you can control. Do the things you need to do to take care of yourself and the children. Let your husband worry about himself. I know, easier said than done.

I'm sorry you've had to join us, but I'm glad you found us! If you haven't read the stickies at the top of the page, it's an excellent place to start

CodeJob

Quack of the day: for Sparkle (you are not alone at all)-

Tried to have a heart to heart talk with RAH this am. Sadly he is hung up on his job, so instead of our relationship, he kept going back to jobs and how he takes care of our family. He insisted his A never impacted his former work. Turns out he is seriously still ticked I informed his family of his addiction. He said, "My family all thinks I lost my job due to drinking and that never impacted my work.". His very next sentence was, "Of course I drank when I came home at lunch to deal with that boss." Clearly that happened a lot more than I thought for it to just pop out of his mouth like that. It is a special kind of grim disappointment when a bright man is so in denial. I said, "Your first sentence is then a lie if you were drinking at lunch." He just looked at me, lost in his A reality where everyone is out to get him and make him look bad - including me since I kicked him out and then told his family what was going on. I left for the gym, armed in truth.

MsJojo

Sparkle, your post could have been written by me at times. I've no advice but wanted to let you know that you're not alone.
Jo x

sparkle01

Thanks for your response. Unfortunately his parents live abroad and mine are not close enough to be able to help with day to day childcare and costs in this country (UK) are astronomical.

Thanks for your support all, it is much appreciated and helpful.

hopeful4

I am not sure if it is a possibility or not, but my child care provider is a Registered Nurse, so she made quite a good amount of $. She wanted to stay home w/her own children so she started watching other children also. She cared for my daughter until she went to school, it was wonderful. Now that her kids are big enough for school, she has went back to nursing. She is forever grateful she was able to do that to stay w/her kids.

I would say this would only be an option w/out said lazy husband on the couch, I think that is frowned upon in the childcare world.

Just a thought.....Good Luck and God Bless!