FireSprite

Oh Hopeful, I'm so sorry to hear that your anxiety is skyrocketing. It is definitely not worth having a heart attack over, there's is nothing wrong with slowing things down until you are ready. (((((HUGS)))))

It sounds more like the effects of stuffing vs. detaching to me too... did you get any time over the weekend to decompress?

Another question that you don't have to answer here - do you get ANY time away from your kids, just for you? I adore, love, worship my DD but I have to get away from her every 10-14 days for at least a few hours. Even if it's an activity she might sometimes attend (garage sale shopping with my BFF) there are times when I just need to leave her at home.

We've talked about this - she knows Mom needs her time to be "FireSprite" and not "Mom" as part of my healthy balance. I don't mean time alone running errands or even going to your CR meetings - I mean time OFF with NO responsibilities. It makes a big difference for me & was actually hard to adjust to - I'm so used to my every minute being needed & accounted for that it took some practice to slow down.

lizatola

Hopeful, I could have written much of what you wrote. My AH takes Paxil, Strattera, and Ambien and then drinks and thinks 2 beers is OK. I am staying still in my marriage and have developed anxiety issues. You've gotten such wonderful support here, things that I needed to read, as well.

It's ok to focus on you for a bit. Get the support you need and just breathe for a bit. I have no big words of wisdom, be gentle on yourself, sending you cyber hugs today!!

Florence

re: "JUST TWO BEERS"

We've discussed it here before, but I know whenever *my* STBXAH admitted to "just two beers" or "just two airplane vodkas" or "just two [XXXXX]" what we all knew he was really saying is, "I will admit to having drank, but I will obscure how much and how often. Let's see what she says."

"I didn't technically cross your boundaries, as far as you know, I only stepped on them. With one foot. What's your problem?"

Woodman123

Good luck Hopeful4... wishing you the courage to do what you need to do. Then peace and serenity afterwards! I'm right there with you!

hopeful4

Yes...you are all so right. I thank you for the outpouring of support. I did decompress over the weekend. I spent some time with my mom Friday afternoon who helped me navigate through all of that mess, then Saturday did some really fun things with my daughters. We went to the church rummage sale and found funny, cheap things to buy which included buying stuffed animals and taking them to the dogs at the Humaine Society which we love love love doing! What is it about a smiling dog that just makes it all better? We had lunch at a place we like and just had lots of fun times. I then went home and took a nap. I don't ever take naps, so that was crazy good! Sundays are always busy from the time we get up until 9:00 or so at night, but in a good way.

I went to Celebrate Recovery last night and of course my girls there are AMAZING in every way. They are my rock.

I do know I don't get enough (and I mean nearly none) me time. It is about to get better because this week I am paying my gym membership which has been on hold, I am really looking forward to that! It forces me to have me time! My little girl, Lyla, is 8. She is a big mommas girl so it is harder. Since she is getting a bit older it helps. She is just a homebody. Last week they were out of school for the week for bad weather and I swear she just stayed in PJ's all week! We are hot and heavy into Competition Cheerleading season which my older daughter competes in. The competitions will end in April so that will also lighten up my load quite a bit. They still practice but nothing like right now during active season.

I do love watching her though. And the meets are fun and I love the other moms so that is a way to have alot of fun. My AH will likely go this weekend b/c our cheer gym is hosting this one so it is one of the few that are local.

This is going to be a hard time, but I don't have to be miserable in the mean time. I am doing things to fight the anxiety. My girls here at work are great. We have all worked together for over 10 years so they are really good friends and another support system. I usto not tell them, but I promised myself I will never hide my husband's addiction again, and that is a promise I will keep. I am not going back to that lonley place again...ever.

Hugs to all my wonderful SR friends. I cannot tell you how much your kind words help keep me going, and I hope one day I will be able to pay that forward to you.

God Bless.

JustAGirl1971

Hi, hopeful. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time Ending a relationship just plain sucks!

Include me in the anxiety camp. I've had an anxiety disorder for as long as I can remember. Most of the time, I can compensate with a few lifestyle adjustments. Not so much lately... especially with AH moving out next weekend. Some things that have helped me are taking more time just for me (like FS said), and meditating for 15 minutes in the mornings BEFORE dd gets up. Actually, I call it meditating for dummies because I'm not really exactly there... but the more I do it, the better I'm getting at it. For some reason, starting my day off with an empty, refreshed mind really helps. I've also been reading a chapter of Job and the daily reading in some of my al-anon literature right before I meditate. And, of course, I let myself cry. Sounds like a no brainer considering that I've been crying for what feels like years (more like months). But, I don't like to cry in front of people... I'm trying to get over that. I still mostly go off by myself when I cry because I don't want everyone (and especially the kids) to think I'm a total basket case (since I'm still crying every single freaking day!) But, I do let them see me cry occasionally. Sometimes, I think we want to protect our kids from the negative emotions... only present our strong sides so that they will feel secure. While I do think it's important that they know that we are strong and will be there for them... I think it's also important for them to see some of the sadness so that they feel secure in sharing their sadness with us, kwim?

Take care of yourself, hopeful. (And,, ps you already do pay it forward.)

hopeful4

JustAGirl....thank you.

I think I am mad at myself for letting myself agree to being in this limbo again. On the good side, I am wise enough to know that won't last long and that I can finish out preparing for what I know will happen.

I have a devil of a time getting up in the mornings, however I do take the time to read the CR daily devo at night before bed and read different things out of the bible. I also just read whatever interests me (i have read before bed since the 3rd grade lol), but it allows my mind to just escape to somewhere else.

I know what you mean about crying. Once I started crying Friday it was like I could not stop for quite a long time. I think that was good and healing. However, I too have always guarded letting my kids see my cry. I don't know why...I guess it is just who I am. I do want them to know they can share their sad moments with me, especially knowing what is coming, so I will work on that more.

Thank you....I appreciate you very much!

JustAGirl1971

It is difficult, hopeful. Don't be hard on yourself for agreeing to wait. It's hard. And, you know, even if you don't catch him drinking again, even if he doesn't drink again, you still have every right to leave or ask him to leave. Just because we agree to something in one moment, does not mean that we have to stick with that course to the end. We have the right to change our minds.

hopeful4

I do know that. In my own crazy mind I feel like I have to justify it, in reality I am not ready yet and I know that. It is a step at a time, and slowly I am moving myself forward. I do want him to leave, but I have very real fear he will spiral out of control and it makes me very sad for my girls. I know that is not my fault, but it will become their reality and that is a scary thing.

I know, I am so wishy washy that I disgust even myself with it!

JustAGirl1971

I have the same fears, hopeful! You will get there when you get there and not a minute sooner, so just take it a day at a time. Your day can start at any time, so if today's a bad day, just start a new day NOW

ETA: And be easy on yourself!! No negative self-talk! It's unproductive and unhelpful and just tears you down instead of building you up

hopeful4

(((JustAGirl)))

In case no one else tells you today...you are an awesome person. Thank You!