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Left on Monday night

Old 02-06-2014, 03:44 AM
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Unhappy Left on Monday night

After a long weekend of verbal abuse, and my boyfriend smashing my furniture and throwing things, I left him. Actually, he told me to get the **** out, go back to "wherever I came from," like 50 times, at the end, of course, saying I should stay. He hasn't, and probably won't apologize for hurting my feelings, and is holding against me that I called the police when he was smashing things. I wanted him to stop and didn't know what else to do. He became his monster self, and didn't change back but stays hating me. This all started because I went to a friend's apt. to hang out Friday night, and didn't get dinner groceries in the way home as expected... until his temper tantrum, I was so happy with him. no **** like this has happened in months.

Anyways, I could tell it's time for me to get out of his way, and I need to protect myself and survive this. He says he'll quit drinking on his own, but he has major emotional problems that will probably prevent success that way. He doesn't want to stop, but he's 40 & losing/lost everything. He doesn't believe in God or a higher power.

I'm staying with the only friend with room for me and my cat until I can find a new place. I had to borrow money from my dad. ABF keeps sending me texts saying to get my stuff out NOW, which I cannot do. I'm scared to go pack. he's never hit me, but it's going to be horrible. And the worst part is, I still love, miss, and remember him, his real self.
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Old 02-06-2014, 04:05 AM
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If you're afraid of him, and you should be if he's being a total ass, you need to get a constable in there with you so you can safely pack your things and get as far away from him as possible.

He's not going to change until he's good and ready so don't count on him changing anything but the tone of his voice with you.
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Old 02-06-2014, 06:27 AM
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I agree with BoxinRotz have someone come with you, heck I would turn the voice recording on the phone and secretly record everything while your getting packed up.

I'm sorry you are going through this but leaving him and working on you is the best thing. Real love doesn't hurt. You have abuse love not the same thing. Please get your stuff quickly in and out, in and out...
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Old 02-06-2014, 09:09 AM
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This all started because I went to a friend's apt. to hang out Friday night, and didn't get dinner groceries in the way home as expected

Ok I totally had a flashback reading your first paragraph. It could've been describing any random weekend with my ex. The torrents of verbal abuse and furniture smashing. We used to go through coffee tables like normies go through toilet paper. This didn't start because of anything you did or didn't do. This started because he's an abusive, emotionally unstable individual who needs an outlet for his rage. Alcohol is just like gasoline to that fire- but the fire is burning all the time, believe me. If it hadn't been that it would have been something else. You did the right thing by leaving with your kittycat. Something that took me too long to realize- his "real self" and his "monster self" are the SAME PERSON. You can't separate the two and only try to have a relationship with one of them.
As for getting your stuff- do it as soon as you can arrange some safety precautions for yourself then go no contact with this guy. It sounds harsh, but you have to protect yourself. Hugs and thanks for posting.
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Old 02-06-2014, 09:14 AM
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And the worst part is, I still love, miss, and remember him, his real self.

this IS his REAL self....this is who he is TODAY. otherwise it's like remembering the unlit match and overlooking the fire it started that burned the house down.

definitely have others with you when you go to get your stuff....you could even call the police and see if they will escort you. the sooner you are extracted from this toxic and dangerous person the better.
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Old 02-06-2014, 09:19 AM
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definitely have others with you when you go to get your stuff....you could even call the police and see if they will escort you
I had the troopers escort me when I went back to get my personal stuff -- they officially only gave me 15 minutes of law enforcement support, but the trooper was aware of who AXH was so he stayed the entire time, close to an hour. Definitely have a couple of people with you even if you can't get the cops to help. Only the furthest gone of psychopaths will behave badly in front of other people.

Oh, and don't feel bad at all about calling the police when he started throwing stuff. Destroying furniture and things is a hair's breadth away from becoming physically violent with another person.
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Old 02-06-2014, 09:20 AM
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Amen! Get you stuff and never look back. Alcoholism is progressive, it will only get worse.


Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
And the worst part is, I still love, miss, and remember him, his real self.

this IS his REAL self....this is who he is TODAY. otherwise it's like remembering the unlit match and overlooking the fire it started that burned the house down.

definitely have others with you when you go to get your stuff....you could even call the police and see if they will escort you. the sooner you are extracted from this toxic and dangerous person the better.
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Old 02-06-2014, 12:32 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Destroying furniture and things is a hair's breadth away from becoming physically violent with another person.
Hey Faith. The above is what I learned the hard way only recently. My ex didn't destroy things completely, but I watched a steady progression of throwing stuff around, to inexplicable threats to hit me, and then it finally happened. I won't get into it all here, just know that you're understood.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I was also told to go back where I came from, 'f*** you', 'you're the worst', 'you're no fun', 'i never want to see you again', then told to come back, you're the love of my life. Didn't call it verbal abuse at the time. At least you are naming it right.

Sounds like both of our ex's don't want help right now. I am glad you got away.

I like your wording: 'time to get out of his way'. I don't know how to describe it, but my ex would say weird things after blackouts like 'things will get better', as if this problem is this external entity or a machine that is just steamrolling through, screwing up our good time.

Sorry you have to experience any of this. You are understood.
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Old 02-06-2014, 01:11 PM
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Call your local domestic abuse hotline. You have been verbally abused and threatened. They will be able to give you advice on how to get your things out safely. They may be able to help you arrange law enforcement to accompany you. You seriously can't be too careful. Once your stuff is safe, then go No Contact.
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Old 02-06-2014, 02:19 PM
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Faith,

I am so sorry for you. It must be so difficult to still love somebody so much, yet still have to be somewhere else because of their actions.

Most of the stories I have read the A goes between threatening and begging so yours might be right on track. Don't go to get your stuff without somebody, preferably an officer. Be strong!
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Old 02-06-2014, 02:25 PM
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Faith,
I am sorry for your pain but so very glad for your absolute bravery in seeing the situation for what it is and having the courage to get out.
If you had stayed it would of very likely only got worse, leaving can only make it better.
I am sure there are many of us on here who wish we had your courage, I know I do as the signs were there for me four months in but I ignored them.
Be proud of yourself and start planning for your amazing future as a strong independent woman!
Hugs x
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