Sorry if this is in the wrong spot, but I need some clarity

Old 02-05-2014, 06:34 PM
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Sorry if this is in the wrong spot, but I need some clarity

I have co-dependency issues, but it's usually with people who have an excessive amount of problems.

Lately I have been doing a lot of things to improvement my self-image, and with that, has come an improving self-esteem. I always felt that people with a ton of problems would be more accepting of me. I have become a crisis counselor to most and a shrink to others, but when it came to me and my problems, no one would be around, and definitely not through any of my triumphs. Slowly I started letting the friendships die out and started cultivating healthy friendships with healthy people (None of this happened overnight. I went through counseling and NA. This has been over the course of 5 or 6 years. I was in active addiction for about 20 or so years).

BUT there is one hanger on. There is one friend (actually, she's a family member) that I have convinced myself that I WILL solve all of her problems, and she will be forever grateful! My eyes will well with pride when she turns the key of her first house, graduates from college and leaves her dirty bag boyfriend. I will sit with her for HOURS hunting for CODA meetings (for her, not me!), finding colleges, looking for apartments and jobs. I would talk myself hoarse trying to solve her problems, and completely neglecting my own husband and kids.

Well, today I snapped out of it. I said enough was enough. I had been trying to call her to tell her I got a new job and a scholarship, and she hasn't called me back. The thing is, when she is "on" with her boyfriend, she vanishes. When she's "off" she's calling 24/7.

I sent her text asking if she had a minute, she said yes, and I sent her a text and basically told her I felt used. She cursed me completely out. F-bombs, exclamations points, the works. She always cries, "I have three kids I'm raising by myself," like is an excuse to act like a maniac. We have had this conversation before, but I never came right out with it like I did this time (the same thing happened in case you're wondering). I should have just let it fizzle out, but I put so much energy into this friendship I owed it to myself to say what was on my mind.

So here's the part I need clarity with. Why am I the one feeling bad? Why do I feel like I did something horrible? Is her reaction "normal" (and when I say normal, I mean in a co-dependent sort of way)? Hell, is my reaction normal? I feel good but bad at the same time.
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Old 02-05-2014, 07:23 PM
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I'm am not a psychologist, therapist or anything of that nature. I am, however, a Codie.

You feel bad because basically you have trained yourself to feel bad. People like us think the bad is our fault, the good could have been good if we didn't... Well, maybe you don't feel that way but I sure do in addition to feeling bad when I try to put an end to friendships such as the one you are speaking of.

This is where you get to use all that work you have been doing and put it into action. Stand firm!! Be strong!! You are right. Yes your reaction is normal for how you 'USED TO BE". Just tell yourself that you don't feel that way anymore, you are now strong.

Be well,
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Old 02-05-2014, 09:14 PM
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Thank you very much. What you have said helped a lot, and it makes a lot of sense. It's amazing how things resurface, especially when you think you've handled it. I have conditioned myself to feel bad, and I think, over the years, people have capitalized on that.

Geesh, I was so busy dealing with being an addict, that I totally neglected being codependent...and this is the first time I have ever really admitted that to myself.
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Old 02-06-2014, 04:20 PM
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well, this did all happen because YOU did not set boundaries within yourself...but in became awhere of NOW setting boundaries, and this included her....its a little saying like this " they call you selfish(because you are taking care of YOU now) because they can not manilupate you anymore"...

you feel guilt because YOU are not suppose to look after yourself..(its like we where taught this from others

i am going through the same with my recovered 8 year AUNT...i have said NO to her...and now she is in a temper tantrum because i have CHANGED and GROWN and learned to say Aunt does not like this one bit...and is fighting it with me to CHANGE back my ways for HER BENEFIT....aint happening...this is what my 12 steps have taught me....TAKE CARE OF ME!

read Melody Beatties CO DEPENDENT NO MORE....this may help.....
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Old 02-06-2014, 04:36 PM
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You're making good progress.

The only way I could stop the guilt was by letting it go.

It doesn't matter, what matters is you are taking care of yourself.

Growth is painful.
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