New to Recovery
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Yes, we're still married. 12 days out of rehab and it's still going to be a long road of recovery for both of us. Getting sober is not the same as healing, it's just a first step. One day at a time. 
btw - we both met a lot of good people there. We really are not alone in this. (((hugs)))
btw - we both met a lot of good people there. We really are not alone in this. (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome to SR Copperducky!
I have been married 20 years so I understand the caution of wanting to work through things and rebuild rather than walk away. You both have worked hard as a couple and have raised a child. You had expectations what you two would do together at this point of your lives. If I understood your summary, your H traveled until this past year, so he was able to hide it though you suspected. Since retiring, he has had a DUI, tried to quit, and you are lonely.
Since H is actively drinking, it is difficult to imagine the life you had envisioned, planned for, and possibly talked about. Living with an A - even a fairly quiet one has a lot of uncertainty. Does your son know? Do you have any close family or friends to confide in? Personally I have found a counselor very helpful.
If your house is silent each night, you might as well head out. Try Al Anon a few times. Go to the movies, walk a mall, take a class, do something you enjoy. Take your journal to a diner, a bookstore, the library, a coffee shop. You need to detach from his problem and take care of you. You might find this easy in the sense you need to return to living like he is out of town. If you think you might be situationally depressed, go see your MD. Sometimes they or their nurses know some good therapists!
I have been married 20 years so I understand the caution of wanting to work through things and rebuild rather than walk away. You both have worked hard as a couple and have raised a child. You had expectations what you two would do together at this point of your lives. If I understood your summary, your H traveled until this past year, so he was able to hide it though you suspected. Since retiring, he has had a DUI, tried to quit, and you are lonely.
Since H is actively drinking, it is difficult to imagine the life you had envisioned, planned for, and possibly talked about. Living with an A - even a fairly quiet one has a lot of uncertainty. Does your son know? Do you have any close family or friends to confide in? Personally I have found a counselor very helpful.
If your house is silent each night, you might as well head out. Try Al Anon a few times. Go to the movies, walk a mall, take a class, do something you enjoy. Take your journal to a diner, a bookstore, the library, a coffee shop. You need to detach from his problem and take care of you. You might find this easy in the sense you need to return to living like he is out of town. If you think you might be situationally depressed, go see your MD. Sometimes they or their nurses know some good therapists!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by copperducky 
Ladyscribbler...thank you.
I am enlightened and feeling great about my decision to join SR and I know that the communications for me at least must remain open. I actually feel like now I have at least one great resource with which to pull from. Are you still married?
I am enlightened and feeling great about my decision to join SR and I know that the communications for me at least must remain open. I actually feel like now I have at least one great resource with which to pull from. Are you still married?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This is not a marathon, it is your life. No one here will or can tell you to leave. What you will hear alot of is work on you so you can decide what healthy boundaries you want to form for you. Do not sit and be miserable during this time. Do things that make you happy. He is a grown adult and does not need you home fretting while he is passed out.
It all happens in baby steps. However, those steps are alot easier to make when you have face to face support by your side. SR is great, but it is not the face to face you will still need.
Now...what can you do for you today???
It all happens in baby steps. However, those steps are alot easier to make when you have face to face support by your side. SR is great, but it is not the face to face you will still need.
Now...what can you do for you today???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Montana
Posts: 33
Good morning all of you! Thanks to all of you...I felt great when I went home. It was nice to have multiple people give me strength. We live in a very tiny town (was minus 26 this morning too!) My folks have health issues and so I absolutely will not consider asking them for advice. My sister lives a couple of hours away, but we have never been very close. My brother lives in town but he has been an alcoholic since he was 16. He functions well enough for him and his wife and I are close, but I cant talk to her since she has her own issues. She knows my troubles but she is so negative when we have talked that I don't feel the desire to talk any more with her. However us girls do get away now and then for just some time out and we both love that!!
We don't have much here for variety of counselors, but I did inquire and will meet with one next week. The nearest town is 100 miles away, so we are limited here. But the help and encouragement I received yesterday from all of you gave me strength for the rest of the night! Hubby and I had a good night together and even had conversation! He hasn't had anything this week and told me this morning that he was going to make today a good day too. So, at this point I will continue with my journal, SR and research into what I can do for myself.
We don't have much here for variety of counselors, but I did inquire and will meet with one next week. The nearest town is 100 miles away, so we are limited here. But the help and encouragement I received yesterday from all of you gave me strength for the rest of the night! Hubby and I had a good night together and even had conversation! He hasn't had anything this week and told me this morning that he was going to make today a good day too. So, at this point I will continue with my journal, SR and research into what I can do for myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Montana
Posts: 33
Valentines Question
Ok, for those of you still living with your AH or ABF and still madly in love...I have a question.
My hubby and I planned this little trip for Valentines day. Nothing special, we were going to go out to a nice dinner with my sister and her hubby and my brother and his wife and then because the restaurant is so far from home, we were all going to stay at this resort and go swimming, hot tubbing, etc.
So, question is...how do I give my AH a Valentines card and spend a wonderful night with him and family without giving him the idea that we are ok and that everything between us is fine and have him think he can start drinking again?
I am still madly and absolutely in love with him and have been for 25 years.
My hubby and I planned this little trip for Valentines day. Nothing special, we were going to go out to a nice dinner with my sister and her hubby and my brother and his wife and then because the restaurant is so far from home, we were all going to stay at this resort and go swimming, hot tubbing, etc.
So, question is...how do I give my AH a Valentines card and spend a wonderful night with him and family without giving him the idea that we are ok and that everything between us is fine and have him think he can start drinking again?
I am still madly and absolutely in love with him and have been for 25 years.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
You are allowed to have a great time on Valentines day - 25 years is HUGE, and Valentines day is to celebrate that! You deserve it. You both know there are problems and everything is NOT ok - one lovely evening doesn't change that. You can tell him that if you need to.
We are supposed to take one day at a time, and detach with love. I take this to mean, if it is a good day - enjoy a good day. If it is a bad day - then we must do what we need to do to take care of ourselves and get through it - vent to a friend, read a book, take a bath, get out and away, exercise, etc.
At the end of the day - we'll decide if the good outweighs the bad, and if the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving. We'll know when the time is right, we'll know and we'll muster up the strength to do what we need to do to make our lives better. Same with them. None of that mess needs to ruin a good day.
Have fun - I hope you have a great time!!!
We are supposed to take one day at a time, and detach with love. I take this to mean, if it is a good day - enjoy a good day. If it is a bad day - then we must do what we need to do to take care of ourselves and get through it - vent to a friend, read a book, take a bath, get out and away, exercise, etc.
At the end of the day - we'll decide if the good outweighs the bad, and if the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving. We'll know when the time is right, we'll know and we'll muster up the strength to do what we need to do to make our lives better. Same with them. None of that mess needs to ruin a good day.
Have fun - I hope you have a great time!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Montana
Posts: 33
Firebolt, Thanks. I think I will try to just have fun. I would like to have a glass of wine with dinner, but I think this time I will concentrate on just being with him and my family and not drink to show him that at least I can have fun without the alcohol....because I can!!!
Thanks Montana buddy
Thanks Montana buddy
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