Confused
 

What do you say to someone who just got out of detox and realizes they have lost their job and their kids? My AB and I tried to talk about things and I just don't know what to say to him. He tells me he knows he really screwed up this time, cause he can't afford the house mortgage or his child support. So he probably is going to lose his house along with everything else. I really don't know what to say to him.:a108:

I think it's okay to admit you don't know what to say. Part of recovery is learning to live life on life's terms and you both have challenges ahead. Losing his job, house, and ability to pay child support are the kinds of things he is going to have to deal with.

What about you? How are you doing?

I'm trying hard not to be an enabler and take care of myself but its hard because we live together and if he loses the house I have to move to. I know he has to deal with these things on his own but it is so hard not to help when I can. I just pray that he can make it through without relapsing again.

Yes, that does make things very complicated, but not impossible. As long as you take care of you first, you should be okay, even if tomorrow or next year doesn't look the way you want it to or think it should. If you accept the three C's (you didn't Cause it, can't Control it, and can't Cure it) it makes it a lot easier to focus on what YOU need to do to take care of yourself, and afford him the dignity of taking care of himself.

I am I've been through the detox thing 9 times now but this time seem different . I have always worried and made myself sick. This time I promised myself that I would not do that to myself. Before he went to detox I started distancing myself and just wouldn't be around him if he was drinking. Plus I've been coming here for advising and it has helped a lot. I'm just afraid with all this happening my anxiety is going to go through the roof, worrying if the ball with drop again or if he will make it through this time.

Have you been to Al-Anon, or Celebrate Recovery? Or maybe a therapist? There are lots of ways of dealing with anxiety, but I know from personal experience the biggest hurdle is often just getting started. Eventually I got to a point where my state of well-being no longer depended on someone else's behavior or choices. You deserve that kind of freedom.

I guess losing the house will give him one less bill to pay while working on recovery?

Not such a bad thing, I suppose?

Like other folks mentioned -- Alanon for you, that is the right place, right now . . . right?

The kids are with their mom aka his X (or whatever these things are called)?

She is sober, sane, and all that?

I haven't been to Al-Anon cause the closest meeting is 35 miles away form my house and I already drive 76 mile round trip for work each day. I thought being on here would help talking to people about what is going would help and it has somewhat. I just get really lost sometimes and don't know which way to turn.

Yes his kids are with their mother. I just feel so terrible for them. I know they are just distancing themselves so they won't get hurt as bad if something happens to him.

I don't think you need to feel sorry for him.

He's being given a learning opportunity here. Sounds like he's had quite a few earlier and nothing took, but maybe losing the house and job might?

Amazing how alcoholics will always find some silly enabler to come along and help them. Help them not learn, help them not suffer the consequences.

Now back to you. Al Anon folks could help you out with this.

Alanon also offers online and telephone meetings, I believe. You could surely check into that.

You can also pick up some Alanon literature--I'd recommend "Pathways to Recovery", "How Alanon Works for Family and Friends of Alcoholics" and "Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses" for sure. You can find these and more on Amazon, and many are available used to save some $. You may also find your local library has Alanon books.

Celebrate Recovery was also mentioned. I've not tried it, but some find it very useful. Maybe you can find one of their meetings closer to you?

Hope one of these suggestions is helpful for you.

Thank you all for advice

Well it's been 5 days since ABF got out of detox. He has not hardly left the house only for AA meetings. We talk and he says he is so embarrass about doing this again. He told me last night, he is going to have to go look for a job today. I just hope he can find one. Things this time feel a lot different. I finally think he realizes he's going to have to dig himself out of the mess he has created. He asked about the kids and I told him he needs to try and talk to them cause he's the one that made this mess he needs to fix it himself.

What are you doing to help yourself? I mean if he relapses again, can't find a job, or both?
I know it's worst case scenario, and I know you don't emotionally want to consider that as a possibility, but emotions aside...! You have to put them aside and think about financially if you can take care of yourself, by yourself, if needed.

I really hope as we all do that he stays sober. But hope doesn't take care of financial emergencies and heartbreak after the fact.

So please do what you have to do to look out for yourself! Be prepared, think of the boy/girl scout motto. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

I would distance myself somewhat too! He's emotionally upset over what he has done, and if he doesn't find a job right away, he could be in a really foul mood until he is successful, that, just on that one element of his life.

I don't have to worry financially I have a really good job so I know I can take care of myself. I have been distancing myself to let him know he has to face the consequences of what he did. I spend a lot more time with my 23 year old daughter. I know things will probably get worse before they get better. I also know he will have a hard time finding a job.