Single parenting sucks!
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
Posts: 171
Single parenting sucks!
some of you may or may not know my story...XRAH is not in the picture other then sporadic phone calls, well...and child support so I guess hes not a total lop.
Our 16 yr old son has struggled through the separation, finding out about his fathers other relationship and divorce because of that. Since then his father basically dropped out of participation in parenting and we moved to another state. Even though his father is coming up on 4 years sober in a few weeks there is still no relationship between them and XRAH makes no attempts at improving that.
My son is struggling. It is breaking my heart and I just don't know what to do. Im beginning to think that every decision I make just makes it worse. Maybe moving was not the right choice. He is having a hard time making friends, is feeing very alone and just wants to "go home". We have gotten setted and I found a great job at a hospital. He got involved with a sports team right away and seemed to be doing great...that fell apart and he started having problems with the team. The have all basically alienated him and he isn't friends with any of them anymore. His grades are falling again. Yesterday he was confronted by a boy at school who pushed and punched him in front of everybody..he didn't fight back and was laughed at and no one had his back. Today he refused to go to school because he is so humiliated. I know a lot of people say you should say something but I worked at a high schoo for 10 yrs...I know what happens to those kids whos parents go in and make a huge deal out of things. It most of the time makes it worse....
I hate having to handle this on my own, this is a dad and son thing. I hate that I cant help him and that he cant turn to his dad for the guidance and support that a boy needs. I hate this period. If his dad is so well recovered and such a "changed and better man" as he claims why the hell is he not stepping up to the plate. Hes so selfishly wrapped up in his relationship and his own needs he doesn't do anything to help this boy grow. He thinks he sends his CS and he sends xmas and bday gifts...I guess he thinks that is enough. This is the man who talked endlessly about how his dad was not there for him and how he missed that....
I feel guilty because I moved away, but in reality I know that before I moved we were 4 blocks apart and he STILL never stepped up to co parent or even be involved in his day to day life.
To be honest Im past the whole alcohol thing....I feel like I don't really belong here anymore since hes been sober for so long. I don't think this has anything to do with be an alcoholic, its got everything to do with being a loser as a dad. and failing your responsibilities as a man and a father.
sorry this makes no sense Im just venting I guess.
Our 16 yr old son has struggled through the separation, finding out about his fathers other relationship and divorce because of that. Since then his father basically dropped out of participation in parenting and we moved to another state. Even though his father is coming up on 4 years sober in a few weeks there is still no relationship between them and XRAH makes no attempts at improving that.
My son is struggling. It is breaking my heart and I just don't know what to do. Im beginning to think that every decision I make just makes it worse. Maybe moving was not the right choice. He is having a hard time making friends, is feeing very alone and just wants to "go home". We have gotten setted and I found a great job at a hospital. He got involved with a sports team right away and seemed to be doing great...that fell apart and he started having problems with the team. The have all basically alienated him and he isn't friends with any of them anymore. His grades are falling again. Yesterday he was confronted by a boy at school who pushed and punched him in front of everybody..he didn't fight back and was laughed at and no one had his back. Today he refused to go to school because he is so humiliated. I know a lot of people say you should say something but I worked at a high schoo for 10 yrs...I know what happens to those kids whos parents go in and make a huge deal out of things. It most of the time makes it worse....
I hate having to handle this on my own, this is a dad and son thing. I hate that I cant help him and that he cant turn to his dad for the guidance and support that a boy needs. I hate this period. If his dad is so well recovered and such a "changed and better man" as he claims why the hell is he not stepping up to the plate. Hes so selfishly wrapped up in his relationship and his own needs he doesn't do anything to help this boy grow. He thinks he sends his CS and he sends xmas and bday gifts...I guess he thinks that is enough. This is the man who talked endlessly about how his dad was not there for him and how he missed that....
I feel guilty because I moved away, but in reality I know that before I moved we were 4 blocks apart and he STILL never stepped up to co parent or even be involved in his day to day life.
To be honest Im past the whole alcohol thing....I feel like I don't really belong here anymore since hes been sober for so long. I don't think this has anything to do with be an alcoholic, its got everything to do with being a loser as a dad. and failing your responsibilities as a man and a father.
sorry this makes no sense Im just venting I guess.
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Join Date: May 2010
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Of course you belong here! We are a support system!
I am sorry your son is going through this. I recommend a couple of things. For one, that is some serious business at school. Please make sure school knows he is being bullied. Secondly, get him in counseling, he may not want it but it will help. Third...consider moving to another school.
My daughter was going through a really rough time in the 7th grade at her school. We put her in counseling with someone we trust very much, so does she. The counselor after several sessions recommended moving her schools. We spoke w/the counselors at the new school and explained what was going on and moved her mid year. It was a great move for her. She has made so many different friends and has moved past having such a hard time. She now loves school.
Since she was a new student mid term I feel as though they watched her much more closely.
Please take bullying seriously and listen to your son.
God Bless!
I am sorry your son is going through this. I recommend a couple of things. For one, that is some serious business at school. Please make sure school knows he is being bullied. Secondly, get him in counseling, he may not want it but it will help. Third...consider moving to another school.
My daughter was going through a really rough time in the 7th grade at her school. We put her in counseling with someone we trust very much, so does she. The counselor after several sessions recommended moving her schools. We spoke w/the counselors at the new school and explained what was going on and moved her mid year. It was a great move for her. She has made so many different friends and has moved past having such a hard time. She now loves school.
Since she was a new student mid term I feel as though they watched her much more closely.
Please take bullying seriously and listen to your son.
God Bless!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
I'm so sorry you and your son are going thru this. It's a hard age for boys..I have 4 sons. My AH is "present" physically but hasn't been mentally & it has caused at least one son a lot of anguish--he's one angry kid. It has helped my son when I take him on a private outing, like to a lunch or dinner and give him that time to vent all his feelings w/o my interrupting except to say he has every right to feel the way he does and encourage him to keep speaking up whenever he needs it. I want his feelings validated and when he's done, I try to give small bits of advice on how to handle those feelings. I do this now every time it appears he is struggling. I've been a single mom even tho my Ah is present...I'm a single mom with a sugar daddy! Lol! I have to put a positive spin on that somehow.
I hope that helps..our kids are our world aren't they?!? Hugs to you!
I hope that helps..our kids are our world aren't they?!? Hugs to you!
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Vent away!!! It IS hard. And it's OK to feel that it is.
My son was 16 when I left AXH, too. We stayed in the same town, but I honestly don't know if that helped. His grades fell through the basement and were halfways to China, from being an honor student the semester before. He did have friends -- but they were not the friends he needed, the kind of friends who encouraged him to do anything other than smoke pot and skip class.
I think the big difference between your son and mine is that your son seems to be missing his dad -- mine was furious with his and by choice cut contact with him. I know my son had a myriad of questions, starting with "how could you treat us the way you did?" and those are hard questions to ask, and I think even harder when you're 16 and need things resolved and haven't yet come to the point where you realize that some questions, you're just going to have to live with going unanswered.
I also have a hard time understanding how you can NOT care about your own children. I'm not even going to speculate about what goes on in the heads of people like your ex, or mine. It's just painful to have to deal with it all as a lone parent and you feel SO damn alone.
I had bigger issues with my daughter -- almost called police a couple of times when she was throwing furniture and I actually felt threatened. By a pre-teen. Counseling was immensely helpful to her, but it took the better part of two years before she even talked in counseling, and a full three before she saw any usefulness in it.
What her counselor said to me is that when kids have been hurt as much as mine have, putting some geographical real estate between them and the person who hurt them is crucial to them healing. I did, too, and it took my daughter a good five months before she was invited to do something with someone outside of school. Her counselor pointed out to me that when you've been abandoned by a parent, that feeling of being discarded and not good enough carries over to other relationships. She said to expect that my daughter probably doesn't feel "good enough" to pursue friendships, and probably convinced that if she tries, she'll be rejected.
I didn't contact the school -- she actually did, herself -- to get her help. She simply walked out of class one day and walked into the school psychologist and vented and cried. The psychologist set her up with a couple of girls that she could have lunch with, and just that little thing helped immensely. But she was 14. I'm guessing a guy, at 16, would feel weird being "assigned friends" like that?
Anyway. I'm rambling. But I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I'm remarried, but doing the bulk of the parenting (on the thinking that a new step parent hasn't yet earned the right to parent). He's a great support for me, and a good person for the kids to reason things through with, but I had a good three years when I was IT. And being IT sometimes felt frightening. As in "what if I do the wrong thing?"
My son was 16 when I left AXH, too. We stayed in the same town, but I honestly don't know if that helped. His grades fell through the basement and were halfways to China, from being an honor student the semester before. He did have friends -- but they were not the friends he needed, the kind of friends who encouraged him to do anything other than smoke pot and skip class.
I think the big difference between your son and mine is that your son seems to be missing his dad -- mine was furious with his and by choice cut contact with him. I know my son had a myriad of questions, starting with "how could you treat us the way you did?" and those are hard questions to ask, and I think even harder when you're 16 and need things resolved and haven't yet come to the point where you realize that some questions, you're just going to have to live with going unanswered.
I also have a hard time understanding how you can NOT care about your own children. I'm not even going to speculate about what goes on in the heads of people like your ex, or mine. It's just painful to have to deal with it all as a lone parent and you feel SO damn alone.
I had bigger issues with my daughter -- almost called police a couple of times when she was throwing furniture and I actually felt threatened. By a pre-teen. Counseling was immensely helpful to her, but it took the better part of two years before she even talked in counseling, and a full three before she saw any usefulness in it.
What her counselor said to me is that when kids have been hurt as much as mine have, putting some geographical real estate between them and the person who hurt them is crucial to them healing. I did, too, and it took my daughter a good five months before she was invited to do something with someone outside of school. Her counselor pointed out to me that when you've been abandoned by a parent, that feeling of being discarded and not good enough carries over to other relationships. She said to expect that my daughter probably doesn't feel "good enough" to pursue friendships, and probably convinced that if she tries, she'll be rejected.
I didn't contact the school -- she actually did, herself -- to get her help. She simply walked out of class one day and walked into the school psychologist and vented and cried. The psychologist set her up with a couple of girls that she could have lunch with, and just that little thing helped immensely. But she was 14. I'm guessing a guy, at 16, would feel weird being "assigned friends" like that?
Anyway. I'm rambling. But I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I'm remarried, but doing the bulk of the parenting (on the thinking that a new step parent hasn't yet earned the right to parent). He's a great support for me, and a good person for the kids to reason things through with, but I had a good three years when I was IT. And being IT sometimes felt frightening. As in "what if I do the wrong thing?"
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wow. THAT sucks.
Almost easier if Dad were dead, huh? Put the Ash Urn up on the mantel in a place of honor, as an ideal, and on with life.
But this half-dead, he sucks-you suck, emotional vampire from another state is draining the emotional life-blood from your son's heart, formyboys.
I used to get in "kids" like this back when I was an LT (US Army).
Would usually try to "take them under the wing," and yeah, was even practice with newbs to "assign" them a buddy, like what you all are talking about with girls in school. But you all are correct -- I would not expect that from Public School boys.
jmho -- I would let him "drop out" (or call it Home School, wtf) for the rest of the year. Try Alateen, some Church Stuff. Guess he is a little old for Scouts? Maybe Sea Scouts/Civil Air Patrol, Martial Arts -- whatever speaks to his maybe passions/heart.
Meanwhile -- formyboys aka "Buffy" -- YOU have got a Vampire to slay.
Almost easier if Dad were dead, huh? Put the Ash Urn up on the mantel in a place of honor, as an ideal, and on with life.
But this half-dead, he sucks-you suck, emotional vampire from another state is draining the emotional life-blood from your son's heart, formyboys.
I used to get in "kids" like this back when I was an LT (US Army).
Would usually try to "take them under the wing," and yeah, was even practice with newbs to "assign" them a buddy, like what you all are talking about with girls in school. But you all are correct -- I would not expect that from Public School boys.
jmho -- I would let him "drop out" (or call it Home School, wtf) for the rest of the year. Try Alateen, some Church Stuff. Guess he is a little old for Scouts? Maybe Sea Scouts/Civil Air Patrol, Martial Arts -- whatever speaks to his maybe passions/heart.
Meanwhile -- formyboys aka "Buffy" -- YOU have got a Vampire to slay.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted by Hammer 
wow. THAT sucks.
Almost easier if Dad were dead, huh? Put the Ash Urn up on the mantel in a place of honor, as an ideal, and on with life.
But this half-dead, he sucks-you suck, emotional vampire from another state is draining the emotional life-blood from your son's heart, formyboys.
I used to get in "kids" like this back when I was an LT (US Army).
Would usually try to "take them under the wing," and yeah, was even practice with newbs to "assign" them a buddy, like what you all are talking about with girls in school. But you all are correct -- I would not expect that from Public School boys.
jmho -- I would let him "drop out" (or call it Home School, wtf) for the rest of the year. Try Alateen, some Church Stuff. Guess he is a little old for Scouts? Maybe Sea Scouts/Civil Air Patrol, Martial Arts -- whatever speaks to his maybe passions/heart.
Meanwhile -- formyboys aka "Buffy" -- YOU have got a Vampire to slay.
Almost easier if Dad were dead, huh? Put the Ash Urn up on the mantel in a place of honor, as an ideal, and on with life.
But this half-dead, he sucks-you suck, emotional vampire from another state is draining the emotional life-blood from your son's heart, formyboys.
I used to get in "kids" like this back when I was an LT (US Army).
Would usually try to "take them under the wing," and yeah, was even practice with newbs to "assign" them a buddy, like what you all are talking about with girls in school. But you all are correct -- I would not expect that from Public School boys.
jmho -- I would let him "drop out" (or call it Home School, wtf) for the rest of the year. Try Alateen, some Church Stuff. Guess he is a little old for Scouts? Maybe Sea Scouts/Civil Air Patrol, Martial Arts -- whatever speaks to his maybe passions/heart.
Meanwhile -- formyboys aka "Buffy" -- YOU have got a Vampire to slay.
Scouts is another great program. Those boys get in pretty tight with each other. My sons have all been in scouts at one time or another.
BTW, I graduated my eldest last year from our home school.
He's doing wonderfully in college.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
It does make sense. I get it. I have four boys and a now sober ex-husband that has chosen to live 8 hours away. He calls once a month and never answers his phone when they call him so they quit trying. He sees them twice a year, once at my house for 3 days and once at his house for 2 weeks in the summer (older boys two weeks, younger boys a week or less). He owes thousands of dollars in child support.
He has, for all intents and purposes, abandoned his children. Yet he is still there - reminding them that he is around, but not. There is special place in hell for people that abandon their kids. To see the ramifications of that in their young lives, on their faces, turned inward or outward depending on the kid. Their longing for a father and how innocently that plays out for my little ones. It is heartbreaking. It crushes compassion.
And it is exhausting and relentless being a parent all day, every single day, day after day, with no room to rest. 100% of the decisions and 100% worry and blame and expectations and to many 'shoulds' because there is simply not enough of me...... It is a lot. It is a big job.
You have a reason to vent. I wish I had some advice, but I got nothing. I'm listening to everyone though.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I know a girl in a similar situation. Her parents did remove her for the rest of the year to homeschool. It worked out, she gained some friends in other sittings and returned to school the next year and is doing well.
Is there any youth groups he could join? I think it is nationwide, in just a couple weeks there are churches joining all over for a teen program called Decipleship Now (or DNOW). The kids are put into groups and actually spend a couple of nights in a host home, lots of worship, it's a great thing, google it. My daughter cannot attend b/c she has another committment but I really wanted her to. I talked to lots of other parents who sent their kids last year and it was great. The kids seemed to really bond together.
When my nephew had trouble moving (they move alot due to his parent's jobs for the state, they get reassignment), they always set him up with a youth group and it seemed to help. They would make sure and tell the leader ahead of time that he was having trouble adjusting so the leaders would take special care to make sure he was included and that the others made an effort.
I do think there are options. Communication has to be #1 so you know where his head is. The therapist let my daughter give alot of input as he said it is critical and she was old enough to have some say in our decision.
Blessings!
Is there any youth groups he could join? I think it is nationwide, in just a couple weeks there are churches joining all over for a teen program called Decipleship Now (or DNOW). The kids are put into groups and actually spend a couple of nights in a host home, lots of worship, it's a great thing, google it. My daughter cannot attend b/c she has another committment but I really wanted her to. I talked to lots of other parents who sent their kids last year and it was great. The kids seemed to really bond together.
When my nephew had trouble moving (they move alot due to his parent's jobs for the state, they get reassignment), they always set him up with a youth group and it seemed to help. They would make sure and tell the leader ahead of time that he was having trouble adjusting so the leaders would take special care to make sure he was included and that the others made an effort.
I do think there are options. Communication has to be #1 so you know where his head is. The therapist let my daughter give alot of input as he said it is critical and she was old enough to have some say in our decision.
Blessings!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
Posts: 171
I am listening and praying and just processing everything I can get my hands on...all of you have some great ideas. we just went for a walk and I let him talk but he didn't say much...I just listened and don't feel like I got anything from him. I. HATE. THIS.
thank you for being there.
thank you for being there.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
Hi Formyboys,
First ((hugs)) I'm sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed. It is so tough. You know, it does not help the fact that he is just a normal teen aged boy. I don't care what you say teens struggle in school to find themselves. It is hard stuff.
My niece and her husband own a martial arts gym. His heart is for kids, mostly boys because they struggle in a whole different way. I know for a fact that most owners of the smaller schools (gyms) feel the same way. Martial Arts increasing the self esteem in boys in the most amazing way. The great thing about most of the gyms is that really put a lot of focus on the individual; teaching them to respect themselves, family and friends. It is not all about the "fighting" .
Maybe it is something you could look into or see if he is interested. Because I am so close to the both my niece and her husband I have been able to witness the transformation in some of these young men. The "tough" ones that are on a track to a bad place, become gentle giants; loving and respectful. The ones who are struggling in ways that your son is right now become confident, strong and happy young men.
I am not saying this is the solution but it might, just might ease your mind and his heart. If you are interested I would look for an individually owned one and speak with the instructor or owner and let him/her know what is going on. If your son is interested then you might just see a transformation right before your eyes.
Be well,
First ((hugs)) I'm sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed. It is so tough. You know, it does not help the fact that he is just a normal teen aged boy. I don't care what you say teens struggle in school to find themselves. It is hard stuff.
My niece and her husband own a martial arts gym. His heart is for kids, mostly boys because they struggle in a whole different way. I know for a fact that most owners of the smaller schools (gyms) feel the same way. Martial Arts increasing the self esteem in boys in the most amazing way. The great thing about most of the gyms is that really put a lot of focus on the individual; teaching them to respect themselves, family and friends. It is not all about the "fighting" .
Maybe it is something you could look into or see if he is interested. Because I am so close to the both my niece and her husband I have been able to witness the transformation in some of these young men. The "tough" ones that are on a track to a bad place, become gentle giants; loving and respectful. The ones who are struggling in ways that your son is right now become confident, strong and happy young men.
I am not saying this is the solution but it might, just might ease your mind and his heart. If you are interested I would look for an individually owned one and speak with the instructor or owner and let him/her know what is going on. If your son is interested then you might just see a transformation right before your eyes.
Be well,
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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I'm sorry he's struggling formyboys 
My 15 yr old is also struggling. He's been living with my parents for several months now after an altercation with his father. The only communication between the two of them during this time, is a handful of emails and texts. Literally. He's been in counseling this entire time.... but is not really opening up to his counselor yet. We keep going back anyway. To be honest, he's not opening up to me or oldest ds either. It's so hard Like lilamy's son, he was/is an honors student but his grades are pretty low at the moment. I'm so hoping after AH moves out in a couple weeks and ds comes home, that things will settle down. Realistically, I know we're probably in for the long haul...
On the school, I second hopeful on switching schools. My dd 14 had a horrible 7th grade year after her best friend turned on her and effectively alienated her from her remaining friends. She struggled the whole year. This year has not been much better. She is changing schools next year. Instead of the HS her jr high feeds into, she will be attending a much smaller charter school. The teaching style is very different from the traditional style and I really think/hope it will be a good fit for her. The class size is small (less than 100/grade compared to the 400/grade at her current jr high.) She took the lead in finding the school - did the research, had us take her to the open house, wrote her essay & sent her portfolio all on her own. That made her acceptance that much sweeter In retrospect, I really wish we'd changed schools sooner. Are there other options for schooling that your ds could look into?
Since he's missing positive male role models, have you looked into things like the big brothers/big sisters program? Or some other type of mentoring program? Another option is to get him involved in activities that are not based at the school he is attending to enable him to meet students from other schools. I second alateen or celebrate recovery for teens (The Landing.) It sounds like he could use both a male role model and some friends his age.
I'm sorry, formyboys. It's so hard to watch our kids struggle
My 15 yr old is also struggling. He's been living with my parents for several months now after an altercation with his father. The only communication between the two of them during this time, is a handful of emails and texts. Literally. He's been in counseling this entire time.... but is not really opening up to his counselor yet. We keep going back anyway. To be honest, he's not opening up to me or oldest ds either. It's so hard Like lilamy's son, he was/is an honors student but his grades are pretty low at the moment. I'm so hoping after AH moves out in a couple weeks and ds comes home, that things will settle down. Realistically, I know we're probably in for the long haul...On the school, I second hopeful on switching schools. My dd 14 had a horrible 7th grade year after her best friend turned on her and effectively alienated her from her remaining friends. She struggled the whole year. This year has not been much better. She is changing schools next year. Instead of the HS her jr high feeds into, she will be attending a much smaller charter school. The teaching style is very different from the traditional style and I really think/hope it will be a good fit for her. The class size is small (less than 100/grade compared to the 400/grade at her current jr high.) She took the lead in finding the school - did the research, had us take her to the open house, wrote her essay & sent her portfolio all on her own. That made her acceptance that much sweeter
In retrospect, I really wish we'd changed schools sooner. Are there other options for schooling that your ds could look into? Since he's missing positive male role models, have you looked into things like the big brothers/big sisters program? Or some other type of mentoring program? Another option is to get him involved in activities that are not based at the school he is attending to enable him to meet students from other schools. I second alateen or celebrate recovery for teens (The Landing.) It sounds like he could use both a male role model and some friends his age.
I'm sorry, formyboys. It's so hard to watch our kids struggle
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Counseling would be my most likely first step and will probably be what I use for my son if I split from AH. Luckily, for now, my son will talk to me(he's 15). I don't know if that will last or if it will change if things take a turn.
My son is quite wise at times and surprises me when he does choose to talk. I can only hope that he would do that with a counselor.
You got lots of great suggestions and if you want to look into online schooling, there are lots of great free curriculums out there. Many of the kids we know here use Connections Academy and K-12. We homeschool but I am more eclectic and I create his curriculum on my own. My son also attends a homeschool co-op that is basically run like a school but meets only twice a week. He also plays competitive tennis and has practice daily where he sees his friends and gets support from coaches and others.
He also likes being involved in church activities and goes to a Bible study once a week with me where we see other neighbors. One of his best friends is in the group and he connects with the adults and teens there, too.
I also encourage him to reach out to adult men who are part of his life: talk to his tennis coach, to the guy he hits with at the club who's 30 but can still offer support and guidance, to men in the Bible study who he can look up to, etc. If he can identify men who have something to offer, I can help him work on reaching out if the need ever arose.
My son was just telling me this AM about a conversation he had with his dad (while I wasn't home of course) where his dad called him a loser. Apparently they were talking about tennis, as usual, and my AH said that ds plays like a loser. We talked a bit more and my son said that he knew he was treading on dangerous ground bringing up the topic like he did. I asked him why he did it if he knew it would bring about a lengthy discussion with dad and dad getting mad. His response, literally word for word was, "You know when see a stove and you want to touch it to see if it's still hot?" Yep, I knew exactly where he was going. Obviously that's something we have to work on.....both of us, LOL!
My son is quite wise at times and surprises me when he does choose to talk. I can only hope that he would do that with a counselor.
You got lots of great suggestions and if you want to look into online schooling, there are lots of great free curriculums out there. Many of the kids we know here use Connections Academy and K-12. We homeschool but I am more eclectic and I create his curriculum on my own. My son also attends a homeschool co-op that is basically run like a school but meets only twice a week. He also plays competitive tennis and has practice daily where he sees his friends and gets support from coaches and others.
He also likes being involved in church activities and goes to a Bible study once a week with me where we see other neighbors. One of his best friends is in the group and he connects with the adults and teens there, too.
I also encourage him to reach out to adult men who are part of his life: talk to his tennis coach, to the guy he hits with at the club who's 30 but can still offer support and guidance, to men in the Bible study who he can look up to, etc. If he can identify men who have something to offer, I can help him work on reaching out if the need ever arose.
My son was just telling me this AM about a conversation he had with his dad (while I wasn't home of course) where his dad called him a loser. Apparently they were talking about tennis, as usual, and my AH said that ds plays like a loser. We talked a bit more and my son said that he knew he was treading on dangerous ground bringing up the topic like he did. I asked him why he did it if he knew it would bring about a lengthy discussion with dad and dad getting mad. His response, literally word for word was, "You know when see a stove and you want to touch it to see if it's still hot?" Yep, I knew exactly where he was going. Obviously that's something we have to work on.....both of us, LOL!
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There is special place in hell for people that abandon their kids.
To see the ramifications of that in their young lives, on their faces, turned inward or outward depending on the kid. Their longing for a father and how innocently that plays out for my little ones. It is heartbreaking. It crushes compassion.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
Posts: 171
I agree lillamy...theres a bench with their name on it. Im so sick of him telling me how he loves his son to death. He seems to think if he says it enough it will be so. He has no idea how to show it and really never has. When he was drinking he was so desperate with me, it was always he couldn't live with out me..the childish love like you have in high school. No matter what I did it wasn't enough according to him, to show him that I loved him. He was like a bottomless pit.
I want to say to him, if you love him so much how can you go months with out talking to him, how can you not know what his day to day is like, How can you go without hearing his amazing voice (he only texts him) and not talk to him about the stupid little things that boys think and say. How can you know from his history how sensitive and fragile he is and still repeatedly make him feel like he is totally replaceable???!!!
I want to say to him, if you love him so much how can you go months with out talking to him, how can you not know what his day to day is like, How can you go without hearing his amazing voice (he only texts him) and not talk to him about the stupid little things that boys think and say. How can you know from his history how sensitive and fragile he is and still repeatedly make him feel like he is totally replaceable???!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
Posts: 171
ok, I discussed home school with him and the option of changing schools. He didn't like either of those ideas. When we moved here he immediantly got involved with the schools baseball team through my brothers wifes son. Her son is a year older then him and very "popular" so my son was in heaven. For a couple of months he was hanging out with these boys and going places with them and working out every day with the team.
I don't know what happened but they all stopped inviting him places and eventually stopped talking to him. He continued to work out with the team every day and has gotten in amazing shape. When I would pick him up none of the boys would say good by or even look at him but he continued to go in hopes of making the team. Try outs were a few weeks ago and he did not make it but was asked to be the team manager. I was not surprised...hes a new kid, these kids have been playing ball together for years and there were not a lot of spot open. Im sure he will make the team next year for his senior year but he was disappointed. I think he tried to hard to impress the kids with the whole "Im the tough California kid" and they got sick of it. Even with all of this he does not want to give up being involved with the team. He is immature even for his age on top of being a stubborn teenager and didn't really care to listen to anything I said when I told him to kind of take it easy and just go with the flow at first, let them get to know you a bit. He has developed a habit of lying a lot and is really inappropriate with girls ...we have had problems with that a few times...he was in IC for a year after his dad told him he wanted a divorce and after he found out about the other woman. It didn't help..he refused to even talk...I wonder if I should try again , I don't know.....
We were talking the other day and he told me he saw a sign at school that they have an Alannon Alateen meeting there and I asked him if he would like to go. He went to Alateen before we moved about a year ago. I told him he had to go to 6 meetings and if he didn't like it then he didn't have to go. He stopped after the 6 and didn't want to go back so him bringing this up on his own was great!! he is going to find out when it is and Im hoping we can go ..my schedule is crazy and I work a lot of nights.
I had begun to think this alcoholic thing was a none issue...he knows his dad is sober..(althought he makes comments along the line of not believing him) and has never mentioned it or wanted to talk about it. He says he has no memory of his dad from before the age of 13. That is strange to me ...his dad and I separated when he was 13. before then we lived in the same house for 15 yrs. Had bdays his dad coached his baseball team (he says he remembers that) and I thought we had a decent life all be it his dad drank every day. but at the very least we made memories..???? The fact that he brought alateen up tells me maybe it is still an issue.
I am rambling....Ive been up since 2am worrying and trying to come up with some kind of solution. I have tried to reach out to his dad but the olive branch comes back pretty mangled every time I have tried that. Im still hurt over how this all ended. We may have had a rocking marriage the last 5 or so years before we separated but I don't think I deserved to find my husband in our bed with another woman. I was resentful and fed up but I never did anything in our entire marriage to deserve that. at the very least I am the mother of his only son...He could have ended it with a lot more respect and maybe things wouldn't be so bad now.... I don't know, seems to me a true recovered alcoholic would go through the steps and make his amends. He seemed to have stopped at step 4 and that's when he stopped going to meetings as far as I can tell. I certainly was never approached or had any kind of discussion about all the years of his drinking and how that effected myself and my boys.
ok....I obviously need some sleep...Im making no sense...thanks for listening,,,
I don't know what happened but they all stopped inviting him places and eventually stopped talking to him. He continued to work out with the team every day and has gotten in amazing shape. When I would pick him up none of the boys would say good by or even look at him but he continued to go in hopes of making the team. Try outs were a few weeks ago and he did not make it but was asked to be the team manager. I was not surprised...hes a new kid, these kids have been playing ball together for years and there were not a lot of spot open. Im sure he will make the team next year for his senior year but he was disappointed. I think he tried to hard to impress the kids with the whole "Im the tough California kid" and they got sick of it. Even with all of this he does not want to give up being involved with the team. He is immature even for his age on top of being a stubborn teenager and didn't really care to listen to anything I said when I told him to kind of take it easy and just go with the flow at first, let them get to know you a bit. He has developed a habit of lying a lot and is really inappropriate with girls ...we have had problems with that a few times...he was in IC for a year after his dad told him he wanted a divorce and after he found out about the other woman. It didn't help..he refused to even talk...I wonder if I should try again , I don't know.....
We were talking the other day and he told me he saw a sign at school that they have an Alannon Alateen meeting there and I asked him if he would like to go. He went to Alateen before we moved about a year ago. I told him he had to go to 6 meetings and if he didn't like it then he didn't have to go. He stopped after the 6 and didn't want to go back so him bringing this up on his own was great!! he is going to find out when it is and Im hoping we can go ..my schedule is crazy and I work a lot of nights.
I had begun to think this alcoholic thing was a none issue...he knows his dad is sober..(althought he makes comments along the line of not believing him) and has never mentioned it or wanted to talk about it. He says he has no memory of his dad from before the age of 13. That is strange to me ...his dad and I separated when he was 13. before then we lived in the same house for 15 yrs. Had bdays his dad coached his baseball team (he says he remembers that) and I thought we had a decent life all be it his dad drank every day. but at the very least we made memories..???? The fact that he brought alateen up tells me maybe it is still an issue.
I am rambling....Ive been up since 2am worrying and trying to come up with some kind of solution. I have tried to reach out to his dad but the olive branch comes back pretty mangled every time I have tried that. Im still hurt over how this all ended. We may have had a rocking marriage the last 5 or so years before we separated but I don't think I deserved to find my husband in our bed with another woman. I was resentful and fed up but I never did anything in our entire marriage to deserve that. at the very least I am the mother of his only son...He could have ended it with a lot more respect and maybe things wouldn't be so bad now.... I don't know, seems to me a true recovered alcoholic would go through the steps and make his amends. He seemed to have stopped at step 4 and that's when he stopped going to meetings as far as I can tell. I certainly was never approached or had any kind of discussion about all the years of his drinking and how that effected myself and my boys.
ok....I obviously need some sleep...Im making no sense...thanks for listening,,,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
Posts: 171
oh..justagirl..I meant to thank your for the martial arts suggestion..He and I actually took martial arts together for 7 years. I have been thinking of asking him if he would like to get back into that. He stopped around the time he started middle school but I continued it up until about 4 years ago. great idea!!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi
I am sorry you and your son are struggling. Some of his issues sound like new kid in high school issues. If there was an abrupt shift in the boys relationship with your son, but he was made team manager, perhaps working with them in a supporting role this spring will help to mend fences. I could see where they might shut him out if they felt threatened by him or felt he was infringing on "their" group. Making friends takes time and especially with already established team sports in small towns the dynamics are slow to shift. Does he still have a good relationship with the cousin? Do they ever do things together?
I have happy memories from when my parents were married, although it is more like I have normal family memories. Mom, dad, child. I also have crazy as hell memories mixed in with those. Your son probably has some of that too. That is great that he mentioned alateen. Just like you have folks here who had A parents, I am not sure people ever really get over it. I think it comes and goes. Lifetime management as needed.
I understand your hurt and anger towards your exh. You are so much better off without someone like that in the long run. He disrespected you and your family unit big time. His cheating really had nothing to do with you. It is all about him. Selfish. Cowardly. Immature.
As far as the amends go...I haven't received them either. I sometimes struggle with anger because of that but it gets better. The longer from it you get, the more new experiences you will have and the easier it gets to be okay without getting the amends. If he is't in his program anymore and stopped at step 4 because he felt cured, then he is very much still in his disease or in dry drunk land. So glad you and your kids are not around that.
I am sorry you and your son are struggling. Some of his issues sound like new kid in high school issues. If there was an abrupt shift in the boys relationship with your son, but he was made team manager, perhaps working with them in a supporting role this spring will help to mend fences. I could see where they might shut him out if they felt threatened by him or felt he was infringing on "their" group. Making friends takes time and especially with already established team sports in small towns the dynamics are slow to shift. Does he still have a good relationship with the cousin? Do they ever do things together?
I have happy memories from when my parents were married, although it is more like I have normal family memories. Mom, dad, child. I also have crazy as hell memories mixed in with those. Your son probably has some of that too. That is great that he mentioned alateen. Just like you have folks here who had A parents, I am not sure people ever really get over it. I think it comes and goes. Lifetime management as needed.
I understand your hurt and anger towards your exh. You are so much better off without someone like that in the long run. He disrespected you and your family unit big time. His cheating really had nothing to do with you. It is all about him. Selfish. Cowardly. Immature.
As far as the amends go...I haven't received them either. I sometimes struggle with anger because of that but it gets better. The longer from it you get, the more new experiences you will have and the easier it gets to be okay without getting the amends. If he is't in his program anymore and stopped at step 4 because he felt cured, then he is very much still in his disease or in dry drunk land. So glad you and your kids are not around that.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I am reading all of this and I feel for all the single parents and their children here. It is very hard.
I saw my domestic violence counsellor a few days ago, and she reminds me how lucky I am that my children are still seeming to be doing pretty ok. DS16 is grounded for the scary binge drinking episode, of course, but it seems an isolated (please God) incident. He has great friends, really likes his academic school and teachers, has positive plans for a career in law, and is taking up martial arts to get out the anger related to his dad and to probably feel like he can protect the children and I better.
DD13 is still tough at times but she is reaching out and getting more honest and open with me. She has piles of friends and good grades and a commitment to sports that is too much for her at times but she is hanging in there. She says she feels she should be happier than she is. I think that is true. But I think there is a lot of hope.
DS10 and DD7 also miss 'having a real dad' as they put it. I am spread so thin!!! I blew off writing my interrogatories this weekend so I could enjoy my children. My lawyer is going to kill me, but f--k her. My children and I need to be with each other. It was a beautiful, sunny day and such a treat to ice skate and admire the snowy mountains - and them.
I am rambling, too!!!
I guess what keeps things working is the following:
- the stability of our little home, village, community, friends
- safe, structured schooling with high but fair expectations
- sports
- I am the air my children breathe. When I was traumatized by Xah that might have been not so good but they know they are my first priority.
- they have each other
- xah is far away but the visitation schedule is predictable. He is manipulative and mean and alcoholic. But I worked very hard and child support is regular and he is even calling the kiddos same day same time each week.
My thinking for the OP is to give your son another place in his life - like martial arts, another sports team that suits him ( cant do the same sports all year?!), a different school, a therapist or Al-Ateen. One new group of friends or adult to talk to could do wonders.
Pay attention, be available, look for options! And know many of us really get how hard it is! You are doing good!
I saw my domestic violence counsellor a few days ago, and she reminds me how lucky I am that my children are still seeming to be doing pretty ok. DS16 is grounded for the scary binge drinking episode, of course, but it seems an isolated (please God) incident. He has great friends, really likes his academic school and teachers, has positive plans for a career in law, and is taking up martial arts to get out the anger related to his dad and to probably feel like he can protect the children and I better.
DD13 is still tough at times but she is reaching out and getting more honest and open with me. She has piles of friends and good grades and a commitment to sports that is too much for her at times but she is hanging in there. She says she feels she should be happier than she is. I think that is true. But I think there is a lot of hope.
DS10 and DD7 also miss 'having a real dad' as they put it. I am spread so thin!!! I blew off writing my interrogatories this weekend so I could enjoy my children. My lawyer is going to kill me, but f--k her. My children and I need to be with each other. It was a beautiful, sunny day and such a treat to ice skate and admire the snowy mountains - and them.
I am rambling, too!!!
I guess what keeps things working is the following:
- the stability of our little home, village, community, friends
- safe, structured schooling with high but fair expectations
- sports
- I am the air my children breathe. When I was traumatized by Xah that might have been not so good but they know they are my first priority.
- they have each other
- xah is far away but the visitation schedule is predictable. He is manipulative and mean and alcoholic. But I worked very hard and child support is regular and he is even calling the kiddos same day same time each week.
My thinking for the OP is to give your son another place in his life - like martial arts, another sports team that suits him ( cant do the same sports all year?!), a different school, a therapist or Al-Ateen. One new group of friends or adult to talk to could do wonders.
Pay attention, be available, look for options! And know many of us really get how hard it is! You are doing good!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Please consider talking to the school. Ask for a meeting so they can tell you what they are observing about your son and you can explain what is going on at home. Three reasons 1) Kids need to know that their parents will go to bat for them, not just react. 2) Your experience having worked at a high school is not universal. Give the school the chance to address this and weigh in on how you can have a collaborative approach at home and at school. 3) Your son needs to have someone model how working inside the system can work for him.
Counseling, having other adult eyes on him, and setting up reasonable boundaries around his behavior are important. He shouldn't be setting the entire agenda for his life yet. If you want him to go to Ala Teen, for example, he should go.
Counseling, having other adult eyes on him, and setting up reasonable boundaries around his behavior are important. He shouldn't be setting the entire agenda for his life yet. If you want him to go to Ala Teen, for example, he should go.
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